To say my life is busy right now is an understatement. I am being pulled in so many directions while challenges arise having to choose between moving forward or stopping. I have chosen repeatedly to move forward. It is this choice that inspired a friend of mine from Germany to send me an email and suggest that I write a book based on all I am living and have lived in 2010. His email came after my friend Silke also from Germany emailed earlier this year after reading my blog and suggested I turn my blog into a book. To me it is synchronicity to say the least because I have been wanting to finish a book I wrote in 2008 for a while now but just haven't had the time. I've trusted that when the time was right I would have the time to sit down and finish. In living this year I realized that the book wasn't ready to be continued until this journey I am currently on comes full circle.
I can say without a doubt that the past year of my life has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I have been continuously stripped of something or someone I thought I needed simply by believing in myself, my dreams, and my choices. It is in choosing to honor my individuality and my calling that people have walked out of my life or I have chosen to walk away. I have also been stripped in many areas of life and yet I trust with all my heart and soul that everything is exactly as it should be as it is leading me to where my journey needs to take me in life in order to fulfill my calling. So while you may see my website or my pictures of fun being had while casting my film, or doing wardrobe with the cast, or hanging out with them I see what it takes to live those moments.
There is a saying that behind every great man stands a strong woman. Well beside, not behind as I believe in equality, this woman stand the family and friends who have not only found a way to let me be but have also encouraged me to follow my dreams. If I am to speak in all honesty than I have to say that this production has had a constant revolving door like no other before. We've had to cast repeatedly to replace people, I've had to let people go who thought their job was secure and stopped making an effort to do their job and life has also simply changed things in ways that did not allow people to stay on the production. I believe in life we have to risk to reap rewards and with that thought in mind I have to thank Randy Kent, Jodi Scott Elliot, and Ryan Caldwell for not letting the constant in and out of others take their faith in me and the film from them. I don't even know if they've realized it but by standing firmly with me they've given me the courage to continue to move forward. Three people can make a bigger impact on me than a hundred challenges!
Those challenges are daily occurrences and the most important thing for me to remember is that my contribution to the world and humanity can not be deterred by occurrences which are out of my control. The most important thing for me is to be able to rise to the challenge and once again in the process realize just what I am capable of. What continues to happen, which should be of no shock to anyone who knows me is that my faith in God, the universe, and their plan for me continues to grow! The way I see it is by allowing to let things be what they are and not trying to fight the guidance of God I allow the journey to become more magical. People are being added to the mix right now that are making this journey even more meaningful and special as I was stripped of people my mind was tricking me into believing I needed. For me it's somewhat easy to continue forward because I believe in God and the universe as much as they believe in me therefore I know and trust I will live things that only this journey lived the way it's meant to could bring to life.
Everyone who CHOOSES to stand beside me is here because they are meant to be and together we will contribute to film making in a unique, impactful way that allows others to relate not escape. I don't produce to create an escape. My calling is to produce work that allows people to relate and creates a bridging of the gap society has imposed repeatedly on us with false advertisements only to make money and really in the end not with one care of how it affects the human race and our evolution. I am not out to make a buck and sell images so I believe firmly that everyone God sends my way ultimately has to support a collective dream or it won't work. Anyone in it just for their benefit can not be in this with us. Why? Simple, indie film making does not allow us the luxury of egos with a budget so small. It allows us the luxury of telling a story with passion and faith that it will impact the lives of others in a powerful way and in the process lead us to wherever life wants us to go.
For me to be able to help make some one's dream come true along with mine, whether it be the musician whose song will be heard by audiences watching our film, or the actor who will finally be seen after years of being unseen in this city of dreams called Hollywood which can actually destroy them more than help nourish them, for me that is part of what fuels me and allows me to move forward. To be able to tell a story and have so many people's voices heard drives me! I whole heartily believe that because my dream is not just about helping myself the universe conspires. While the journey to the conspiring may strip me of things, places, or people I thought I needed my reality based on my journey, which I've been paying close attention to, is that life is simply making room for what I truly need and not what I thought I needed.
My reality now brought a young woman with a dream into my life this past week. A woman who I have to admit reminds me a lot of me when I first got here. She's very young and very brave. Lisa has stepped in to fill some big shoes in our production and the more I get to know her the more I know it was no coincidence that the universe crossed our paths. Like I told her after a long day of wardrobe and after she said some very nice things to me, "I have no doubt that we were brought into each other's lives because we both NEEDED each other." It is in her that I see the face of God and it is those "coincidences" of life where I find the courage to move forward. I had to be stripped of someone to be led to her so I yet again can see that having my reality continuously stripped of the way I see it is ultimately God's way of helping me along the journey. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I AM AFFECTED BY THE INITIAL SHOCK OF YET ANOTHER CHALLENGE. Tell your mom I've got your back Lisa. ;-)
So Alex and Silke to answer your question, I have no doubt that when the time is right I will be guided to finish that book and until then I will continue to be grateful for people like you who help my dreams along the way. I'd be here forever if I told everyone who has helped thus far but I would like to say that people like Michael Mullen and Blanca Valdez who did not receive a dime for their services to my production and jumped in when I was stripped of others have the utmost respect in my heart for they believed in me when it seemed like so many where living in constant questioning. THANK YOU!!
My bottom line is this if you strip it all away from me you will find courage and faith backing my voice which refuses to be silenced simply because while life has chosen to take me through some pretty harsh roads to show me how precious each day is and how temporary this life is, it has taught me worthy of acquiring the knowledge that life is too short to abide by anyone else's voice but my own. Serelda G. Wallace was quoted as saying "The highest form of development is to govern one's self" and the only way to do that for me is to trust the engineer at the helm of this train ride called life. It is for me in its guidance that I have not only found my voice but I have found the courage to not allow anyone even those I love dearly to silence it. "when a train ride goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off, you still still and trust the engineer." C.T. Boom
Seems I found my theme for 2010. ;-) "If you strip me strip it all away what would you find? Take what you want, steal my pride, build me up or cut me down to size, shut me out but I'll just scream. I AM ONLY ONE VOICE IN A MILLION BUT YOU AIN'T TAKING THAT FROM ME. SOMETIMES ALL IT TAKES IS ONE VOICE"
Turns out that in order for my voice to be heard and become stronger I have to be stripped. May you allow the challenges of life that strip you of what you thought you needed fill you with courage and faith to allow what you truly need to live your dreams to enter your life! To all who choose to stand beside me I am deeply and eternally grateful. God thank you for the team/teachers ;-) you have chosen me worthy of traveling this journey with and thank you for letting them trust the engineer of this train ride. ;-)
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