Allowing my friends to lead the way home.

I once read a quote that stayed with me, "Surround yourself with people who uplift you." I can't remember where or who said it but I took it to heart. I am feeling okay today but yesterday and the day before were very good days. I know it's a one day at a time thing for me and I am blessed to have had the ability to surround myself with people who not only uplift me but let me be. It is in going through challenges, like loosing a friend and my father in three months, that you realize what people around you are made of. Challenges like these show people's true characters and I have chosen well. After all I believe seeing how a person handles these kind of life on life terms situations is important.

I've been getting by not only because of my love for life and the mystery of existence but because on days when I don't feel one hundred percent me my friends are there. Lately I've been asking them all to take a picture with me and uploading it to facebook so it wouldn't give away what I was actually doing. ;-) A lot of my time these days is spent online listening to country music and other music but mostly country so I guess you could say I miss Texas and Country Strong reminded me of home. This got me thinking about the two homes I love. The one I have here which my friends have helped make feel like home and the one I was born into back in Texas. I am a part of both worlds and sometimes torn between them but recent events have shown me that I need them both.

I am being called back to Texas and while I have known I am going home to film my current project for a while recent circumstances keep showing me that everything is happening as it should and yet again leading me down the path that was specifically paved for me. HOME. Home is where the heart is and my heart is split between Austin and Los Angeles. Has been for a while now and thanks to what I do I can be a part of both of them. But what I am seeing clearly now is how everything that is happening in my life is actually happening in correlation with my film. Too many similarities to deny that life is imitating art. So of course it hits me. I am being prepared for one of the most challenging jobs of my life. Some people invest money in schools to learn how to act or as I see it feel. Well being that life has been quite challenging for me I can clearly see now that it is simply preparing me to be the best I can be at what I do. It is my teacher of my art. After all aren't we all on screen becoming someone who has LIVED what we are portraying? So all I am LIVING is simply preparation for my trip home to become Esperanza.

The journey through these current circumstances would not be possible without my friends. It simply wouldn't. They come over and listen to me. Take walks with me. Meet me at coffeehouses and make me laugh when it seems impossible to do so. Okay and make me work although Lisa and Randy don't really make me work. They allow me to be my type A self and make myself work as they know what it means to me these days. It is beyond beautiful to have awareness this time around. Last time I went through some pretty deep stuff I didn't have the awareness to understand what the school of life was helping me achieve which I came to see in time. Now I do. So everyday I get up see how I feel and go with the flow of the universe trusting that when the time is right we will all be headed back to my home to bring this beautiful dream I have been working on since July of 2009 to LIFE.

While it may appear like the world is trying to break me I know and most of all trust that is not the case at all. I don't have psychic abilities but I do have the awareness to see, even if it's not just with my eyes, that life is simply guiding me to where I belong, where I have always belonged, HOME. Austin I am a coming and what better way to have the road lead back home then for my passion. I will be in the city that gives me great peace and inspires me bringing my passion to life. That is a great gift I am grateful for even if the road there was not what I envisioned at all. I know that when I am ready, my expectations will be surpassed by my reality and for the patience to see that day come I am grateful. Most of all I am grateful for my friends who have walked me home by holding my hand in the most difficult of times. Can't wait to share in the light this darkness is giving way to with them! "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly."


Here they are in no particular order but simply living with me these past three weeks. "Friends are God's way of taking care of you." I am very taken care of!
With Eric (aka Smooth-E) at one of my favorite cafes in LA.

A brunch with Nicole turned into an impromptu party of four.

With Jake catching Eric's show and getting some dinner.

Jerry my dance teacher lets me dance and dance and dance slowly allowing my soul come back to life.

Slowly getting my mojo back. ;-)

With my Experimental Witch mom. She came over to just listen.

Enjoying the beautiful weekend in LA with Nicole.

Thanks to this coconut (Paul) Nicole, Hayley and I lounged by the pool.

These two people are my sunshine! Lisa and Lawrence. Hee hee. Michael to you. Wearing one of his designs for kicks on our way to an impromptu dinner.

Lots of coffeehouses have been visited these past few weeks. This is Pamela lending her ears to me.

Lastly a woman whose name could not be more fitting meeting me for coffee and lending her ears as well, Mary Queen ANGEL. ;-)

If you have just one friend like any of these you are truly blessed. The journey continues and for the ability to be here to walk on I am grateful.

A Change is gonna come.

These days are fairly simple for me and I make it through them because I am taking it one day at a time. Some days like today require me to take it one hour at a time. As Lisa and I drove into Malibu today I turned to her to ask her a question and I started to sob as all the memories came rushing back as we headed towards the place I had received the call at two weeks earlier. Two weeks have gone by and I am getting by. Some days are better than others but I have no doubt am I fumbling my way through them because of my friends.

Michael makes me laugh just by being Michael. Man can he talk and as I learned this week over dinner man can he listen. Randy and Lisa meet with me and allow me to work at a ridiculously slow pace, which is so not me, but by allowing me that they allow me to immerse myself in the distraction that work is for me these days. Mary Queen will get up at any random hour of any random day stop what she is doing and take a walk with me. These people are crucial in my survival these days. It's tempting, very tempting to fall into the arms of darkness when I think of all I have been through in the last year and a half and then I think about how blessed I am to be here and that darkness starts to appear less relevant and frightening and more of a reminder of what lies ahead. A reminder that the storm will give way to a rainbow as the only thing constant is change.

Two days ago I tried hard to conjure up the energy to work to no avail so I decided to listen to my body and lay on the couch. I watched I heart Huckabees and cried and laughed and as the end of the film came as I was left with gratitude. Watching it seven years after I had been in therapy and living an existential crisis made me realize that yes the only thing constant is change. I am so not the person I was then. This was how I felt last time around at twenty-seven.

You'd have to see the movie to understand the reference. To me now it's so funny but back then it was no laughing matter. Between her character and Jason Schwartzman's character I felt so understood. I cared so much about what others thought and my main goal in life was to please others. If you know me now you know how far from me that is these days. Back then I was discovering that I had a right to be me and not who I was expected to be. That meant finding a way to stay in the industry I love to be a part of without letting it tear me apart.

I found a way and it lead to this blog. It was a long journey and the way it impacted my life and changed me is astounding. I came to understand I had choices. Back then I didn't know I could say no to people. I didn't know I could set boundaries and I had no idea how powerful I was or that my voice had a right to be heard. Things I know now and things, which made watching this film a delight in the midst of the sadness. It was almost as if I needed to watch it so I could see that eventually I will make it to the other side of this pain even if it feels years away. I genuinely believe that everything happens for a reason and I can already see what this journey and processing it all is doing for me as far as preparing to portray Esperanza. It's a little eerie how much my life is imitating the film these days. I can see clearly what God is doing and where this is leading. It's scary in so many ways because it's going to challenge me to grow in many ways and go outside my comfort zone yet again. It is outside my comfort zone where I find the courage to be more than I know I can. It's there where God shows me what I am capable of.

For those days that it feels like too much I have the awareness to be able to see God communicate with me. I want to run from this pain. I've been trying to get out of town since the day that fateful call came and nothing has panned out. I couldn't even get myself to Sundance for my friend's film premiere. As the realization hit me that I can't run from this pain and that I have to make my way through it at a realistic pace the following song came on the radio. It was my first time hearing it and word for word I knew God was trying to get through to me and God did.

Look at those lyrics! If that is not God talking to me than I don't know what is. It will be alright again. Maybe not today but someday.

I have repeatedly asked God for faith, and I know because I have lived it, that when you ask for faith you aren't just given a big helping of it. Nope. You are given lessons, which will allow you to acquire it or loose it. The CHOICE is mine! I am learning once again that, "Faith is a process of leaping into the abyss not on the basis of any certainty about "where" we shall land, but rather on the belief that we "shall" land." Carter Heyward

I don't know exactly where all this is leading but I do trust that everything is happening as it should and if I resist it, it will persist. So as best as I can today and everyday I go with the flow of the guidance of God and the universe and the beat of my heart. Trusting that when the time is right the winds of change will smile upon me once more and I will have made my way through the journey, taken its lessons with me, and learned to live once more. The point as I have read before is to LIVE and the answers I seek now I know will not come now because the point is to live them and I can not live now what I am not ready for. I read somewhere that "Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.” I am once again becoming who I ought to be and the only way I can discover what lies within me is by surrendering to the journey. Emerson was quoted as having said, "What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within." I am finding that to be true once more. Change is the wind blowing me in the direction of my dreams and who I ought to be while living life on its terms. For the ability to allow myself to be carried, especially on days I can not stand, I am grateful. It's been a long time coming but I know a change is gonna come!

P.S. This blog is dedicated to Lisa, Michael, Randy, Mary Queen, Jake, and Paul R. who are my sunshine these days.

Surviving an existential crisis. A chapter in my book called Life.

I've been here before dealing with exactly everything I am dealing with these days. I don't know that accepting you won't see someone ever again gets easier but perhaps gratitude for everything you lived with them comes in abundance. Along with many other feelings. Last time I was surviving an existential crisis I was in therapy trying to decipher all I had lived and had made me the way I was. I remember sitting across from my therapist asking her "what am I really here to do in this lifetime?" A question that haunted me for a very long time since at the time nothing in my career seemed to be going my way. I wanted answers and I was in a lot of pain as life began to show me it was in control and I began to accept it. In the span of two years and in the midst of my first ever existential crisis my grandfather, first therapist, and first agent passed. I remember feeling like I couldn't live anymore and would never get past those feelings. In that lies the answer to surviving my current existential crisis. Those feelings did come to pass and when the time was right I got up, got out of bed and lived again with the same passion I once had before.

The one thing I have now that I didn't have back then when I was twenty-seven is awareness. Awareness that I can choose to not be a victim of my circumstance and to enjoy the ride while also allowing myself to feel everything I am feeling. With my father's passing it has been quite different than Neil's and to be honest it's timing did suck. I was just getting over the hump and accepting Neil's non-existence in human form when I got the call about my father. While I was extremely sad as well I had a very different reaction since like I said before, I truly believe my dad is finally at peace. A peace living could not afford him. With Neil, well he loved living and was so good at it that his passing was very sad and frightening. All of us left behind to grieve can do one of two things, we can shut down and pretend everything is okay, which I am witnessing some people do, or we can make our way out of it. If life has taught me anything it is that the only way out of something is by going through it or as I like to say GROWING through it. ;-)

These constant reminders that I am on borrowed time and that I truly have no idea what today will bring make me LIVE. I choose happiness in spite of all I am growing through right now because I realize one day I won't have choices. I choose to give today my all even when it's not the my all I am used to because again one day I won't get to give my all. My crisis this time has a different feel to it. A sense of peace comes with it because there's so much more acceptance. Seven years have passed since my last one and I have grown into such a different person. Don't get me wrong I am still human and I still fear ceasing to exist before I feel I have LIVED all I want to but I know that I have no control over that and all I truly have control over is what I do today to live my way into my dreams. Acceptance of what is not what I wish was plays a big part in feeling peace. When fear creeps in trying to make me feel terrified at the thought of being gone sooner than I'd like I can hear myself going, "I have no control over that". Something I know I was barely learning last time around.

I speak openly of this because I can only imagine what all of Neil's friends were feeling when he passed. All like him young with precious families all of sudden thrust into a fear that like him they could leave sooner than they ever dreamt. I think that is what makes people not know what to say to you when you loose someone dear. I don't think it's not only not knowing what to say but you have also brought them a reminder that something we all feel can not or will not happen to us will. Yet all I see, even as people tell me I have bad luck or poor Adriana so much is happening to her etc., is life happening on it's terms and God reminding me I am right in following my heart.

It simply is a reminder that life is too short to do anything other than what your heart asks of you even if that means, for me at least, enduring this current detour that has lead me on a road I did not envision at all. This was not how I envisioned 2011 kicking off. However if I allow my awareness to be present than I can recall how I also did not envision 2008 to be kicked off by being dumped for being who I am two days before Valentine's only to find that the detour and the road it led me on had me within three months shooting a film on my favorite author's work, and within another three I won an international film competition for that film and three months after that I met the author of the novel. So within nine months of a rocky start to a year and having life give me a detour, as this man had told me the week before he loved me and could see himself starting a family with me, my awareness allowed me to be grateful for being able to take the road less traveled.

That is all I see happening again. It has been said that "Rejection is God's protection" and I solely believe that because I have lived it. If it is in my best interest to succeed with my morals and principals intact than along the way I will be detouring a lot as life will take care of showing me people for who they really are as it did last week. Timing again perhaps didn't seem like the best and that is why people find themselves uttering the words poor Adriana look at all she is going through. All I can say to that is don't poor me. I am living in spite of all of that and as I see it because of all that. If I didn't have these "challenges" sent my way and I was just doing anything to get by instead of living my way into my dream and the answers, than yeah poor Adriana life is going to pass her by she is going to wake up and realize she didn't follow her heart but if you know me you know that is far from the truth. So please don't feel bad for me. Send me love but don't pity me. I am living as best as I can taking it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. ;-) Like Jen Marie tells me, "you have lived more already than some people do in a lifetime."

Stick around, watch me muddle my way through this existential crisis and perhaps stumble more than I care too but have no doubt I was born to stand. I was born to stand for all my heart longs to know and I won't stop until I am asked to. That is all that is happening right now. A not so gentle reminder to continue on even if the people traveling the road with me are a lot less than when I began. I trust that I have lots of living yet to do and I trust that timing while it may seem off to me is probably fine tuning itself to allow me to arrive into the what next not a minute too soon or a minute to late. Just on time, God's time, because as I believe if we arrive too early by our own will forcing things to happen when we want on our terms, that is when we suffer, for organic will doesn't happen without the help of a universal conspiracy and a lot of hard work on my end. In my book at least since I co-write the chapters. ;-)

Until that moment comes on its own I encourage you to fall apart, surround yourself with people who can just hold you while you sob, make you smile when you don't think you can, laugh when it feels wrong to- laugh through the guilt, listen to you and before you know it one day like that fateful day for me in the fall of 05' after a summer in bed morning the loss of my grandfather, you will wake with a genuine love for life again. You will see the sun in all its glory, you will love again, you will move beyond fear into the what next trusting that the time has come to live again.

I write this inspired to but most of all hoping that you, whoever you may be, is meant to stumble upon this will come to see that while we may feel alone as we survive an existential crisis we are together in that feeling too which means you can't be alone after all. ;-) Perhaps I write this to remind myself where I have been and how far I've come and that it is okay to be where I am today. Most of all I believe life is telling me that while so much appears to the eye to be heading down a road leading nowhere I know better. I know I am not traveling towards a dead end. I am going to meet my destiny, so the road on the way there won't have many travelers as it's a road being paved just for me with detours that have seen many decide to take a different road. For that I am grateful because as I've said before I don't mind people not believing in my dream or my beliefs but under no circumstance will I tolerate anyone standing in the way of them. And that is all I believe life to be showing me through all I am living lately, it's too short to stop now. I've come too far and when I let go, truly let go and allow myself to be led I will go exactly where I am meant to make the most of my existence and learn from the teachers life is sending on this journey and perhaps be a teacher to. I will survive this existence in question and find great comfort in the proof that I am not alone as David O' Russell film based on his own existential crisis proves. To existence and all the beauty its mystery provides. I've got falling apart and most of all LIVING to do while allowing the chapters of this book called life to be written into existence. ;-)

Summoning the courage to move forward.

As I type this I am staring at my passport and airline ticket, which are sitting on my desk. Monday Lisa was here and we were working to get everything together for today's meeting so I could leave it with her and board a flight to Mexico via Texas the following day. By that evening my dad's service had been postponed. His oldest daughter notified me that she needed to finish taking care of some business he left unattended and then would figure out what to do. This was to be the second ceremony for the entire family as the first one had been done very quickly and not everyone was notified. It was done that way because sadly he was found two days later and had to be cremated. What I am grateful for is that he died in his bed. Probably went to sleep and never woke up again. Something I wish for all of us.

I've always been an emotional person guided by my heart and while I have been told on several occasions these emotions are too much or best left for use in my acting all I keep thinking is that they show me I am alive. Thank God for that. I've been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions in the past week to say the least. One moment I laugh and the next I can't move from the couch and my tears turn into a slumber that calms the pain. Processing the death of my father has been so different than Neil's because with the sadness also came this great comfort and peace trusting that he was finally at peace. I try not to but it's hard not to imagine his final days or inner dialogue during his times alone. He lived in an apartment by himself and continued to work even though he had managed to have three wives and twelve kids. I want to believe that he believed that no matter what heaven, God's arms, here in a different way, or wherever we go held a place for him. Some people seem to believe he may not have gotten into heaven and all I can say to that is God has an ability to forgive that is far more grand than we know and we are barely learning to do so here.

It has been suggested to me that I am taking this too hard for a man I barely knew and in that lies the answer. The sadness stems from living a life knowing he existed but life kept us apart. It wasn't like he died while I was young. He was here all my life and for twenty-seven of my thirty-four I never saw him. I believe that entitles me to be sad and as the reality of no possible face to face re-encounter hits me I faced even more sadness. I kept going back and forth with my travel plans. Michael, Lisa and Randy kept telling me to follow my heart and for one of the few times in my life it was hard to listen to it as it was silenced by all the sounds of sadness and fear. Southwest Airlines granting me a free must fly on any flight at any time ticket to help me get to Mexico fast was a sign I should go and just as I was finally prepared mentally and physically to do so the universe changed my direction.

The closure I imagined I would get from meeting my siblings and picking up a photo album of us that was found in his apartment would be postponed. As usual I trusted that yet again God knew why things needed to unfold this way even if I didn't. In mourning my dad's physical existence I've pushed people aside (so I've been told), unloaded my emotional instability on others, and plain and simply been a mess. I do not apologize for where I have been this past week but if I hurt anyone please know it was unintentional. I am in the midst of grasping a lot while a lot continues to be expected of me from my work and others. I've learned that for everyone whose tried to correct my process of mourning in the last week I have ten people listening, letting me cry and who are able and willing to be present with me in the midst of this beautiful mess. Armando was kind enough to let me sob uncontrobally and by the end of the phone conversation we were laughing. He understands my pain as he shared a similar loss in the past year. He told me he admired my ability to laugh through the pain and his words helped relief some of my guilt.

While the possibility of not seeing my father again is flat out sad I am grateful for that fated day in July of 2008 where we crossed paths again via our phone conversation. I am beyond grateful he was able to take that with him. Thinking that he saw all I had been up to via my website makes it bittersweet but more sweet because as he told me I made him proud. My sister Ivonne told me that for all the mistakes he made I was one of his greatest accomplishements. Sweet words that gave me great hope that perhaps he may have thought the same and made me cry like a baby.

What I am left with today is the present and the constant reminder of what a gift it is! So after receiving work news yesterday that I did not want to hear and going to bed terribly sad I woke up with the sun shining genuinely in my heart for the first time in the last week. This prompted me to summon the courage to move forward. A sense of hope was beginning to replace the overwhelming sadness. As I woke and laid in bed I told myself I had to get back out on my hike and reminded myself it was okay to move slow so I did just that. I got to my hike at 10 or so and took over an hour doing it. I usually get there at 6am and finish in an hour. I stood at my favorite corner overlooking Los Angeles and conversed with a God of my understanding. All that could come out of my mouth was "God I need you, God I need you, God I need you and I know you are here now". I felt its presence like I was always do as the winds picked up speed and in a way only I could understand.

Papa I am moving on but don't be afraid you are now with me in a way you weren't able to be before so we are moving on together. You, my mom's dad, Neil, Janet (my first therapist), and Paula (my first agent) are now my guardian angels who along with God allowed me today to summon the courage to move on and continue to trust in God and the universe and their divine plan, far more magical than I can comprehend, for me and my life. I know that any miracles and magic that take place now all of you have a part in. As I am sure you see I am in need of a miracle right now.


Regardless of what anyone chooses to believe I know God, the one I choose to believe in, has a capacity for forgiveness we humans are learning to achieve as part of our lessons here. I know you are safe dad. I just do. I know you will understand that I have a life to live and would encourage me to face it everyday with all the hope, faith, courage and strength that I can. So I am doing just that. Today's calendar of the day quote was "Everyday brings a chance to start over" and I took that and the stunning butterfly on my hike as signs that you understand my need to move forward and LIVE. Perhaps even encourage me to continue to make you proud. As you may now know I am in the midst of some major storms. Just when I can see clearly where I am headed life changes my route and I suffer some heavy losses in that change of direction. Regardless I move forward with a deep understanding that there are no guarantees, that I have a calling I must tend to and that God is not only guiding me but carrying me when I can't walk anymore. It's my belief that something magical and unknown far beyond my comprehension helps me trust that I am now and will always be taken care of. That Ewa hears me. ;-)


Dad, life didn't allow you to witness it but I turned out just like that AMAZING one time wife of yours and mother of mine who raised seven kids alone, a fighter. So in case you are, don't worry about me. I know when to rest and when to stand again and when I am not listening to myself life sends someone to remind me of the importance of knowing when to fight and when to rest my sword. ;-) For the record God I don't believe you turn us on eachother. I believe that when we forget to listen to our hearts and choose to listen to fear and ego we get in trouble. Regardless I will stand for what I believe in! After all the only thing to fear is fear itself and you and I both know I face that beast everyday and I'm still standing. I've met the craken and it's not as scary when you stand in your faith and by your convictions. It actually becomes scared of you. ;-)


I am in for quite the year and lots of great things are coming my way. One thing you should know about me is that when life sends more than enough adversity my way I take it as a sign that the diamond is almost ready. I've witnessed that my ability to endure the darkness is what leads me through the madness into the graceful gift God has prepared for me. Hopefully you'll be able to see it too and maybe someday understand why when people try to impose their fears on me I simply reply "it will all work out". Maybe not how you envisioned but if you let go and surrender to the flow of the universe you may find that the destination you were guided to was far better than the one you were trying to get yourself too. And maybe just maybe you'll see that there are more than just your way of doing things. May the cracks that darkness in your life cause on your soul give way to your light. In 2011 I know my destination will exceed my expectation. So bring on the rain because I look forward to dancing my way through the storm until the rainbow appears.

Saying goodbye to my father.

It's truly amazing what a difference a day makes. Yesterday I sat at a coffee shop with Ryan and Lisa full of hope for what the future would bring all of us no matter our chosen paths and one day later I am trying as best as I can to say goodbye to my father. Ismael Garza Galindo co-created my sister Mercedes and I with my mom. The last time I saw him I was seven years old. In my heart I never thought I would never seen him again. I believed one day God would conspire to cross our paths again. For years I looked for him and was always met with a dead end like the last time I tried with the help of my sister in law Anabella. After that day I decided to let go and let God after finding that the number we had was no longer his. I remember thinking in the moment if it's meant to be it will be.

In July of 2008 I got a call from my agent saying she had received a call from a man claiming to be my father who had asked for my number. She explained to him she could not give out my personal information but would pass his number on to me. I can recall like it was yesterday the shock that took over my body when she mentioned his name. A name I barely mentioned to people who weren't close to me. Few knew of him but those close to me did know I longed to speak with him again. You see I grew up telling myself I was okay without him and when I told people the story of how my parents split up I would follow it with I'm okay as they gave me their sorry look. I was so out of touch with my feelings I had actually tricked myself into believing that I was okay.

After witnessing my bestfriend's relationship with her dad it dawned on me that I was not okay and I admitted it to my therapist at the time. For months I cried finally allowing myself to be in touch with what I truly felt, it sucked! Not having my dad around really had left a huge gap in my life and hole in my heart. The one thing I was able to share with my therapist that I never dared to share with my family for fear of hurting them was that I had a very different perspective of my father than the rest of my family. I was the youngest of the seven so I didn't live what they lived and had been too young to comprehend the hurt he caused my family. I longed for my dad. I longed to know what it was like to ask him for his opinion. To share my fears, hopes and dreams with him. To know what the person who had helped give me the gift of life was like. Who he was.

I never got that opportunity and after meeting the continous dead ends I trusted all was as it should be and in my best interest even if it hurt. After getting that call from my agent I knew the time had come. Not knowing how to tell my family I opted to only tell my friend Bev. She suggested I take twenty-four hours to think about it and then call him. I had waited TWENTY-FOUR YEARS for this moment so there was no way I could wait another minute. I had no idea what I would say but I trusted that if God had brought me to it God would bring me through it. So I picked up the phone and dialed his number. A woman answered the phone and I asked for him. When he came to the phone the first word to come out of my mouth was, papa (father). I had not spoken to him in twenty-four years but the most natural thing for me was to call him by what he was to me.

I was amazed at how calm I was. We spoke of my family. He asked if I was married or engaged. He told me he had always thought of me, something I often wondered about, and that I was his favorite and would always be. He told me he saw all my accomplishments online and was very proud of me. After chatting for a few minutes I told him there was something I wanted to say. I was finally able to tell him I forgave him and wished God accompanied him on the rest of his journey. He said I would never know how much my words meant to him and that resentment hurt only the person who held it. A belief I share with him. He asked if he could have my number and I said no. I told him it didn't feel right for now but that he knew how to get a hold of me through my agent. As I got off the phone my voice finally started to give way to the feelings of what I had just lived. I was left thinking that when you let go and trust things will happen when they are supposed to.

Slowly I began to share with some of my family what had occured. Some actually found out late last year. To my surprise all thought it was great. I had asked one of my brothers to accompany me to see him when the time felt right. Now I will never be able to see that day come to be as today I got the call that he had passed away Tuesday. He had shared with me that he had cancer but was in remission. In my heart I believed I would see him someday but today I found out God had other plans. As I sat across from Denise as my brother told me the news I didn't know what to feel. Sadness took over me but immediately I told myself to be strong. To suck it up. I played the part for as long as I could until my body gave way to what I was feeling on the way back from my production meeting in Malibu. It gave way so much I had to stop and ask Lisa to drive as my reality hit me. It hit me pretty hard. The man I called dad would no longer exist in human form. The only option now was to carry him with me in my heart as I always had.

He had made some pretty huge mistakes and hurt my family tremendously but above all he was my father. Since my phone conversation with him I had always pictured myself holding him in my arms kissing his forehead telling him all I told him over the phone giving him the love his childhood never afforded him. In my heart I know he knows that if I could I would hold him close and tell him I trust he is finally at peace. A peace his choices in life and circumstances never afforded him. I know God has you in his arms now and he is kissing your forehead the way I always thought I would dad. Please know that I will always remember sitting next to you for breakfast at the Carrows off the ten in El Paso. Just you and your little girl. Please dad know that no matter what I always loved you and I am glad I got to tell you all I wanted to say. My prayers are with all of your twelve kids, your spouse and anyone else who is finding out they will never hear your voice again. You gave me the gift of life and for that I am eternally grateful. I will see you in my children and I know you are watching out for me. Please tell Neil, my grandfather, and God hello. I'll see you when the universe conspires, one sweet day. God speed papa.


After getting the call I went to be with nature and bid him farewell. This is what the sky did while I spoke with him. As soon as I walked away the sun left. Clearly he was telling me he heard me and he was okay. If this is merely a glimpse I can only begin to imagine the beauty of where you are now.

In 2011 I resolve to love, hold your hand, and stand by you.

It is hard to believe it's January 1, 2011. The year truly flew by. It feels like it was just yesterday that I was writing about my 2010 resolutions and producing the UNICEF benefit all while preparing for April 20,2010 and now all of it is a thing of the past. It's interesting how all those moments we desperately long for truly do come and go quickly. The older I get the quicker time goes and the more important it is for me to focus on being present. I remember the day when I packed up my belongings in two suitcases, took my savings ($400), and bought a one way ticket to Los Angeles like it was yesterday yet that was fifteen years ago this month! I was nineteen and after my boss Elaine, at the Black Eyed Pea, told me I was meant for more in the kitchen of the restaurant I decided to pack up and leave. Even after I had registered at the University of Texas El Paso. She saw in my eyes what I knew in my heart, I wanted to persue a career in the arts. Something I feel really shouldn't of shocked people as much as it did as I had spent one of my years in high school at a Televisa Fine Arts School after spending all my life raised in the arts.

I remember returning from Televisa in Mexico City at the end of 1994 feeling like Los Angeles was such a distant world but yearning to discover it. After graduating from High School in 95' I finally made the leap in 96' partially thanks to Elaine. I think back on these past fifteen years and I am in awe of how everything I feared would not come to pass not only came to pass but the reality exceeded my dream. I remember thinking I will never be SAG and it's been almost eleven years since I became a SAG member. I remember thinking I will never book a National commercial and I will always be stuck in regional land. I booked my first National in Janaury of 2001. Ten years ago! Same goes with my play, my Paulo Coelho film and now my current project. All the career accomplishments that felt so distant eventually came to pass and so does life. It passes you by if you aren't present in it. I have tried so hard after getting diagnosed with a STRESS induced premature heart beat in 2008 to be present and go with the flow of the universe and God's guidance while accepting that what is meant to happen will, just not always on my time or my way. In the process I've learned that speeding up the journey on my end will accomplish nothing but an inabilty to recall the moments or enjoy them. It's something I have to work on everyday and sometimes I fail but I am grateful for my awareness.

While I am always driven by my dreams and my calling this past year has taught me the importance of fulfilling all dreams and not just career dreams. Since I don't like keeping up with appearances or lies I will say that at thirty-four I definitely saw myself married with a bun in the oven creating a family of my own. Well...SUPRISE!!! Just kidding. ;-) I trust in the wisdom of the universe and God's guidance but I also know that when something comes into our lives we can sabotage it if we feel inadequate, unworthy, or let our minds trick us into believing we aren't ready by taking the other person apart. I don't struggle work wise with that but when it comes to love, while I have believed and continue to do so that timing is everything, I can also see how I have hurt myself by sabotaging things by repeating a pattern when someone who is willing, open, ready, and most importantly AVAILABLE shows up.

So this year I resolve to truly make every effort possible to stop sabotaging my love life in order to live in the comfort of the known. To truly step out on the edge of the plank and jump in when the opportunity presents itself again. I resolve to stop listening to everyone else and their thoughts on what that jump could cost my work and listen to my heart instead. This way I won't be going against my heart and actually following it in personal matters as well. Sorry guys I love you but come on Adriana, you who gives the life is too short speech is letting others sway you into believing work comes before love?! No more. I resolve to hold his hand and his heart too if he allows it. I resolve to be open and ready and to stop finding ways to make him think otherwise or that I am indifferent. I resolve to show up and be me. Afterall the worst that could happen is I fall flat on my face but let's face it I've done that before and I'm still standing so it's time to LIVE my way into what I fear may never come to pass. It's time to stop worrying that someone who will take me just as I am will ever come along, stop sabotaging it when he shows up and just be present. That is my resolution!

This year I will not just resolve to be open to love and its endless possibilities like I have in the past but to be present and ready to receive the gift of LOVE! Finally trusting what my therapist told me years ago, "there is no wrong with the right man", so I will be me and hope he shows up as himself too. No more getting in my own way! I resolve to let the flow of the universe guide me and to allow God to bless me with the love I deserve! Most of all I resolve to have fun and stop thinking so much, to just let things be. I resolve to give birth to the most beautiful miracle of existing in human form, LOVE! 2011 IS MY YEAR OF LOVE AND I AM READY TO ALLOW THE UNIVERSE TO CONSPIRE!

P.S. I also resolve to love you, my family and my friends as best as I can everyday and to give everyday my all while allowing myself to rest and make mistakes too. I resolve to continue to do unseen things everyday that can impact the planet, you, and me in the best of ways. I resolve to continue to see what a gift the present is and I resolve to BE ME! Lastly I resolve to hold your hand should you need one to hold even if I don't know you, I promise to reach out and help you up if you allow me to. ;-) Here's to all the magical miracles 2011 will bring us all!

Oh and as far as everything 2010 brought including April 20,2010 if I had to do over again I would do it the exact same way. Make every choice I made all over again for every choice led me on a journey to making me the woman I am today. So I resolve to not regret the past but be grateful for its lessons for it showed me how AMAZING my friends and family are as they stood by me and helped me not be consumed by the fire I stood in. Oh and hopefully by now he's caught on that when I say dumb things it's my fear speaking and maybe just maybe he has compassion for me. So I resolve to have commpassion for myself and nerves around him. ;-) Hopefully he'll be willing, open, and most of all READY to join my friends, become my friend and stand by me too.

The END is here! Time for an Entirely New Direction! Welcome 2011!!! I'll leave you with some inspiration that the lovely Jessica shared with me reminding me that my time has come to rise again and so I shall. Hope that in 2011 you rise to the challenge too and in the process find out exactly what you are made of!