On God's time.

There are so many valuable lessons that I am grateful to be aware of everyday but the most significant one these days is that of the magic born in allowing things to unfold on God's time. Unlike my sibling and other family members, whose decision I respect, I chose to mourn the loss of my father. Part of the process was coming face to face with a lot of information. The "truth" was revealed in his passing. When I was little I was haunted by these lyrics, "a man can tell a thousand lies", and everytime I saw the video I thought of my father. Reading the lyrics as an adult was truly eerie as it is my father as I perceived him.

"I was not ready for the fall. I know where beauty lives. I've seen it once, I know the warm she gives. The light that you could never see. It shines inside, you can't take that from me." "If I ran away I wouldn't have the strength to go very far." So I didn't. I faced my reality instead.


I believe it a waste of time to sit here and tell you about all the lies and his mistakes so I have no secrets to tell. Quite frankly we'd be here all day and into the next. He was a soul who no matter how he tried he just couldn't get it right. I am not even sure he tried. Only he knows that. He led a very complicated life, which was a reflection of his very complicated childhood. One I wish upon no one and one unfortunately he passed on as he journeyed through life. People are what they know and do as they know if they don't find a way to break a pattern. This is the part where I am usually reminded by someone that he was the evil. I will give you this, the man was sick and needed help. Help he did not get but he still needed to exist in order for me to exist this time around as Adriana Garza. I am after all my father's daughter. It took more than just one person and God and the universe for me to come into existence. While I am well aware of this I am also well aware of the pain he caused many. He had twelve children and died alone with only one speaking to him at the time so as you can see he did unto himself as he had done to others.

While he was not in my life I had forgiven him and had a lovely chat with him about it. One of the most difficult things in my life yet a definite answered prayer. Little did I know that conversation would pale in comparison to what I choose to do this past weekend. It had taken me twenty-four years to be able to GENUINELY forgive him. When he passed in January I tried to get to his funeral. To go see his other kids. To find some sort of closure. None of it was unfolding. I pushed and eventually surrendered to God and the ways of the universe trusting that it just wasn't time.

This past weekend as I visited family in Mexico effortlessly a dream I held in my heart came to life. I met his daughter, the only one speaking to him, at his old apartment where he passed and she gave me some of his ashes. Holding my father in my hand that way was one of the most surreal experiences ever. I never really truly knew if I'd see him again but when I dreamt that I would it was never as ashes in my hand and yet I trust God's plan. I starred at him and asked her questions. I asked her if he had shared delight with her about speaking to me a few years back. I asked when he was born. How he was found dead. What he wore. Where my three younger sisters are. How old their mom is and in all these questions I confirmed rumors and finally got to see my father through his daughter's eyes. One that had been a part of his life.

Some truth is harsh and holds no comfort so for me it all came down to what I truly believe is so crucial in this existence, FORGIVENESS. I simply can not be angry. It just isn't part of me organically so why force myself to feel that which I don;t and that which consumes those I care for deeply whose words try to sway me into their anger. Only he will know the "truth" to a lot but I will always be grateful that he chose my mom and that together they gave me the gift of life. I am grateful that aside from some physical resemblance, my eyes, I am nothing like him. I am in awe of what a miracle that is. I truly am nothing like him. Yet I love him. I wish deeply that I could have loved him back to health but if my thirty-five years have taught me anything it's that you can't help those who don't want to help themselves. Some things simply are what they are.

I shall seek no more. I have been led to the destination of this journey that for thirty-five years I held within, the search for my father. All is as it should be. I will let him go be light wherever he is now and I will go on and shine mine here with you. I will tell his grandchildren the truth about him as I perceive it. He did not receive love and therefore could not be love. That he chose to be a victim of circumstance and that I did not which is why I crossed paths with their father but that it took a lot of work. I will marry the man I know my father, his life and the journey it led me on prepared me for. I will marry unconditional love that is present and available to create and guide ours. I will join in union with what I deserve and all that my father could not give, on God's time. Till God's time arrives I will reside in the heart of the matter, Forgiveness. "You keep carrying that anger it will eat you up inside."
Dios te acompane siempre papa, Te quiero! Nana. ;-)

P.S. Dad I know it wasn't personal. Thanks for what is unfolding. MAGIC. May God hold you close now. Goodbye. It's time to let go. It's time to LIVE in LOVE and RESIDE there, where I deserve to. It's time to wake up to my life again and break my pattern! I trust you understand.