In different directions we grow. A love letter.

Since December 21,2011 I have spent my time doing something I never thought I would and I never had, couch surfing. Well one was a guest room so guest room surfing as well. I am always fascinated by what God does to teach me the most amazing lessons where my faith and courage grow. With the passings came re affirmations of what truly matters in life. Reminders in the heaviest of ways of that, which I already knew but could forget. Now is all I have, tomorrow is not promised so be present in the gift that is today! Then came the lesson about letting go of what I thought would be and allowing space for what could be. An even bigger better dream. Tough considering I was immensely passionate about the project and it showed in all my efforts to make it work until making it work meant disrespecting myself.

In letting go I realized it was also about learning to take care of myself even if that means others are going to have a very unflattering perception of me and call my actions evil to my own friends. It is in being called evil that I realize who I really am, where I came from, how hard I have worked to get to where I am and that I will not tolerate anyone disrespecting me, my work or the work of those I hired. The proof is in your own words, which you shared with me and my production saw so if you feel the need to reach out to them because I have made you look evil please have peace of mind that I don't impose my beliefs on anyone nor do I consider you evil. In a lot of pain yes, evil not at all. It is your own words that my Executive Producer and production team saw where they draw upon to create their OWN perception.

I wish you the ability to grow in a different direction where the love you desire and is best suited for you resides and awaits you. I can understand you seeking solace and love in my friends as I have the most amazing loyal friends. I have earned them as life gives to you what you give to it. I live in an infinite circle of love. I wish the same for you.

Thank you once again for being one of my greatest teachers and reminding me to be grateful for growing in a different direction than yours. Off in a new direction I grow, one where dancing takes place because we couldn't walk the same path. They crossed, winded, narrowed and I was detoured onto a different path. I will continue to love myself and my decision no matter what you still are perceiving and trying to make others perceive. What a wonderful lesson you have taught me in learning to let go of what others perceive of me. Believe me in the direction my magical life is headed I can already hear them talking and considering people see the world as they are not as it is people will speak of what they would do in the situation not what I have or will do.

That path which I arrived at by accepting the detour is currently teaching me so much. I am growing and being a gypsy is kicking my butt! I always believe whether we can see it or not life is preparing us for what is to come. It is truly out for our best interest and sometimes when we can't make the leap of faith on our own we are catapulted to do it, pushed off a cliff so to speak like I was. I have never lived out of suitcases for more than two weeks and guess what I have learned that I can. I have never taken a road trip and had to compromise making sure both parties were content at all times and guess what I did it. That trip gave me some of the greatest gifts life can. I conquered a fear I was unaware I would have to as the roads got really windy and narrow and visibility wasn't great so let's talk about a metaphor for my life. I had to put all the trust in the world in God's hands. I would love to say I did it entirely gracefully but I didn't. After all I was responsible for another human being as well and it never stopped raining. I had no option but to drive through the storm and it was amazing! Pulling over and letting others by who were more comfortable going fast taught me to accept my pace and have patience with myself as I was navigating unknown territory on these roads. When the weather got so bad at night time and visibility was practically impossible I made the call to stop and rest even if financially it would make a dent. I would rather make the drive in the morning when I could see and live to tell others about it. ;-)

It truly is amazing to see the parallels to my life. In this current journey I am learning who my true friends are and whom it's okay to let go of and grow in different directions. I have learned, as hard it may have been, that some friends can't help when you are down. I fell pretty hard yet it was in the falling that I found so much. All the things people spend a life time trying to decipher or acquire I have them. The knowledge that what matters most is who will swing open the door to their home and welcome you when you have nowhere to go is the greatest gift. It is in the fall that I have not only been stripped of a lot and been asked to return to my foundation and start a new but it also is where I learned that it all boils down to one four letter word, LOVE. Love is the way, where the answer lies and in the end what gets you by. Love for others, from others and for yourself and most of all in my case for LIFE!

I owned a lot and now I own what I feel I need but when I visit my storage I feel like I kept too much, even after five trips to Goodwill. I kept the basics and I found a new way of living. It's taken some adapting to and perhaps the biggest lesson has been love for oneself. Knowing my worth and what I deserve has made it not easy but easier to accept the circumstance and ask for help. Something I have never been big on so yes I see that God and the universe took me to a place where I had no choice but to ask for help. Some of the answers have broken my already broken yet healing heart and some have shown me that when push comes to shove some people have more love within them then they led on and some less than their words spoke of. It's so true that when people show you who they are and where they are in life you should believe them. In my opinion send them love, let them go and grow in a different direction where the love you deserve resides and awaits you perhaps it will exceed your expectations like it always does mine.

I am getting through all this one day at a time and have found a new home. It's temporary but it is in a part of Los Angeles that ironically has always felt like Austin, where my birth family is now. An easy going, no one cares what you look like or do feeling kinda town. It's close to where I take my hikes and visit the stars. Within walking distant actually and after eleven years of living alone I am about to find out what sharing space is like once again. I grew up being the youngest of seven so talk about sharing space. In meeting my new roommate who will remain anonymous I realized God is so wise and always in the details crossing my path yet again right on time with someone who is lighting the way and who informed me that I am lighting theirs.

The direction I choose to grow in while facing the circumstance is up to me. What was never an option was to shrivel up in a corner, curse life and give up. Giving up was never an option. Resting until I conjured up the energy to get up and find a way through the darkness always was and as I was resting this song surfaced to light the dark hallway I am currently residing in till the door swings open to the magical what next that is brewing. Upon hearing it I realized that once more God was speaking to me and had sent a healer my way. I see this as I won't give up on LIFE. I have been given the gift of absorbing this song so much magic is being born as I take it as a conversation between me and God. God acknowledging what it sees in my eyes and showing me exactly who I am by giving me the courage to not be a victim of circumstance but the rainbow born because of rainstorm. Hail included. Thank you for giving me my space to doubt God. I love you. I am you! I AM STILL LOOKING UP AND WITHIN. <3


To all my AMAZING healers who have reached out their hand to help lift me up while I struggle to stand like a new born calf learning the steps of life all over again I say THANK YOU! Pamela, wow, the depth of your love has astounded me, Michael you are not only one of the funniest men I know you are LOVE, Danielle, Jon and Cienna thanks for sharing your space en route to that amazing faith building roadtrip, Bev I have no words and all I can think of is I sure as hell have done something right, Areli what a way to grow in patience, taking a road trip with me, ;-) Merci! Paris awaits you young lady, Jerry our time together in the dance studio is oxygen to my tired lungs and blood pumping into my healing heart- TE ADORO!, and YOU to you Adriana wow kiddo (as Neil would call you) you freaking did it and are doing it! In gratitude you are dancing your way through the storm allowing yourself to grow in a different direction. Without my friends I know I could do it but it would have been a lot harder so this one is for you and your AMAZING ways! I WANT TO THANK YOU! God what can I say all knowing, ;-) you humble me and make me so proud to be your daughter, I AM GRATEFUL! I thank you for my current journey, its growth spurt and your unconditional LOVE for me clearly shown in so many ways. <3 You are the greatest love of all!

The gift born of crossing paths with strangers.

I often wonder as I am sure some of you do about past lives and what we are here to do this time around to truly be of service not only to others and the planet but ourselves as well. I believe this is about not only healing others but yourself too. For me everyday it becomes more and more clear what I am to learn not only perhaps in this current journey brought upon by life changing circumstances but in my entire existence here, however long it may last. I know for sure that there are certain people I feel so connected to as if I'd known them before and some people so similar to me it feels like we were created from the same mold and sent on our way only to find ourselves here once more. Then there are the people who cross your path and for that moment are a stranger. In my case recently I've crossed paths with life changing strangers.

Exactly a month ago today I packed my bags and headed home for Texas. That day the journey began. Then I thought I knew what I was going to do. I was going to take thirty days and move away from Los Angeles. I was going to be close enough to come when I needed but far enough to heal the two deaths in the past year and loosing my home, commercial and film in one month. I tried to get to Cardiff by the Sea, Ventura and Encinitas. None of the renters were able to do a one month rental. What I wanted was about to exceeded yet again by where God needed me. Within a week I met the women who inspired "And She Danced". Crystal looked into my eyes the day I left all my important belongings at Bev's while I visited her coffee shop and asked "Do you believe in God?" I replied "Yes" and then began a conversation which started with her mentioning the light in my eyes. As we proceeded to speak I could clearly hear God. In that moment I thought nothing other than God is reaffirming my belief in its existence.

However when I crossed paths with a woman who would like to remain anonymous but who was one of the renters it became clear. Another "strangers" story too similar to mine. I began buying what I needed and listening to no one other than these two women, a few others and my gut. I heard people say, "do you have the right lighting?", "do you have a crew/audio/etc...." and all I heard was follow your heart. This can be told with passion. It made it easier to ignore the comments of what film school and other methods have told people is necessary to achieve a dream and further propelling them into the SOMEDAY phase simply because I had been here before and now it was time to trust with the tools I began to acquire six years ago when I did my first production.

My life is not only my teacher it is also my art. It's what gives birth to my productions and if I don't pay attention and follow signs I miss out. So no matter how hard some days are I put one foot in front of the other and head towards the life of my dreams as it SLOWLY but SURELY unfolds before my eyes. This current birthing of art was inspired by all the loss, these two women, the light and many others however everyday it is up to me to follow the inspiration. Some days I cry a lot. More than I'd like to because yet again I am sacrificing a lot and yet in those tears I find solace as I know that those tears are because I am gifted the strength to move forward. A gift I choose to open everyday as best as I can. Some days I just take the bow off but not the wrapping paper and on those days I allow myself to relax into the space where I need to be in that moment and so I cry some more.

Yesterday was one of those days and it was on my hike that I was reassured I am on the right path for me in ways that truly can only make sense to me. It is hard for me right now to talk to some people, which is why I have chosen to keep this current journey as close to my heart as possible. Love guides me there simply because what I want for myself I want for others, dreams unfolding before their eyes for them too. Though these days what some envisioned for me and what happened is nowhere near what they hoped for and so it is best for me to keep their worries at bay. I am grateful for the timing of many things which assure me of my path and guide me through the unknown. Calls like the one today from Crystal calling to see how I am coming along. Songs like the ones that accompany in my car lighting the dark roads of the California Highway. Who knew up north it got that narrow. Thank God I didn't or I wouldn't have gone. There are the fears I set out to do and then there are the fears I had no idea I would have to conquer.

I am grateful for the journey crossing paths with strangers has taken me on. Most of all I am grateful for the push I got when I lost three things in one month. I am learning just how ready I am to face circumstances beyond my control and for all the years of my life that have led me here I am grateful. The tools of circumstance are really the most amazing thing to have in reserve for moments like the ones I am living. Some days can be quite sad and full of emotions and I step into them knowing that as I do they are passing and time will bring the light once more. To these talented brothers below I say THANK YOU for lighting my way and helping me find solace in your words and voices. I know lady light is always with me. I know you help me stay above the ground through so many and in so many ways and for my awareness I am grateful!

And She Danced. Life after loss.

There are the dreams I hold in my heart and then there are the dreams God has in store for me, which come quickly into my life and unfold before my eyes. Quickly because it is born a lot faster than the ones I've kept for years but a dream that would not be born without detours and because of adversity. For years I wanted to do a documentary and held all the research and books in my office. What I didn't know is that the day would come when the documentary would be born but not on the subject matter I had researched. I found the files while I moved and boxed them up putting yet another dream away and into storage. However I kept the book I had read on documentaries with me. As I began to cross paths with people who shared similar stories of loss the dream God had intended for me began to become clear.

I was to tell a story but not the one I tried so hard for two years to tell from the heart of another. I was to tell the story that was born because I could not make that one work. I was to share my loss with others and in the process unite humanity once more through art. I am not ready to share all the details but I am ready to share the gratitude. You told me that until I respected the Bearer of the fruit I would do nothing original and would always seek the work of others as mine. You either denied yourself the truth or failed to do the research on my past work as my first production was something I conceived from an all too familiar detoured route reminiscent of this one which taught me that sometimes God has to push me off the cliff, in this case through loss, to allow me to see that my wings can spread farther than I dreamt and I can soar far beyond my imagination which was confined to bear fruit.

I have you to thank for the height of my soaring and the ability to find gratitude in all my loss and turn it into art. Perhaps if you hadn't told me all you did I wouldn't have allowed the detour and the road it led to, to unfold its magic before my eyes. I have a dream. A new one. One born perhaps not overnight but whose clear signs made it seem quick. Once understood I began to dance once more with God and the universe as I always intend to. I thank you for voicing your opinion on my work, the concerns about three actors not having credit and our dp not having any credits that you liked. I thank you for dissecting my work in such a way that allowed me to accept my worth and to know when to draw a boundary and walk away. I thank you most of all for allowing me to let go of the rhythm you desired I danced to. Therefore gifting me with the ability to take the loss of the film, my commercial, my home, Neil and my dad and allow myself the courage to dance in the rain because in that rain I discovered the dream God had intended for me. In the storm laid the answer to the what next I tried so hard for two years to make happen. In surrendering came the gift of returning to my foundation and learning once more to hear the music of my heart.

I lost my dad, Neil, my home, my Honda commercial, and the film all in a little over a year and yet I danced. I ventured into new territory where the steps I have always counted on to guide me to the tempo I memorized for years no longer worked. A new dance is being born. A dance so beautiful I can not wait till the time comes when the healing is not only seen by me and those involved but you too. I thank you for giving me the greatest gift of all while you tried to destroy me with your words, A VOICE. A voice so loud and clear it's the voice of many and so I DANCE!

This is where the road led and continues to unfold.


For now I must go and continue working on a dream. With all the love in the world sent your way I hope you are working on your dream too. Life is too short for anything else! Never forgetting these words, "I am the MASTER of my fate. I am the CAPTAIN of my soul, I partner with God and the universe once more to allow them to gift me with the courage to soldier on and dance my way into a life after loss that exceeds my expectations. I thank you for making me the woman I choose to be. Most of all I thank you for giving me my wings back and allowing me to fly towards my destiny.