Since December 21,2011 I have spent my time doing something I never thought I would and I never had, couch surfing. Well one was a guest room so guest room surfing as well. I am always fascinated by what God does to teach me the most amazing lessons where my faith and courage grow. With the passings came re affirmations of what truly matters in life. Reminders in the heaviest of ways of that, which I already knew but could forget. Now is all I have, tomorrow is not promised so be present in the gift that is today! Then came the lesson about letting go of what I thought would be and allowing space for what could be. An even bigger better dream. Tough considering I was immensely passionate about the project and it showed in all my efforts to make it work until making it work meant disrespecting myself.
In letting go I realized it was also about learning to take care of myself even if that means others are going to have a very unflattering perception of me and call my actions evil to my own friends. It is in being called evil that I realize who I really am, where I came from, how hard I have worked to get to where I am and that I will not tolerate anyone disrespecting me, my work or the work of those I hired. The proof is in your own words, which you shared with me and my production saw so if you feel the need to reach out to them because I have made you look evil please have peace of mind that I don't impose my beliefs on anyone nor do I consider you evil. In a lot of pain yes, evil not at all. It is your own words that my Executive Producer and production team saw where they draw upon to create their OWN perception.
I wish you the ability to grow in a different direction where the love you desire and is best suited for you resides and awaits you. I can understand you seeking solace and love in my friends as I have the most amazing loyal friends. I have earned them as life gives to you what you give to it. I live in an infinite circle of love. I wish the same for you.
Thank you once again for being one of my greatest teachers and reminding me to be grateful for growing in a different direction than yours. Off in a new direction I grow, one where dancing takes place because we couldn't walk the same path. They crossed, winded, narrowed and I was detoured onto a different path. I will continue to love myself and my decision no matter what you still are perceiving and trying to make others perceive. What a wonderful lesson you have taught me in learning to let go of what others perceive of me. Believe me in the direction my magical life is headed I can already hear them talking and considering people see the world as they are not as it is people will speak of what they would do in the situation not what I have or will do.
That path which I arrived at by accepting the detour is currently teaching me so much. I am growing and being a gypsy is kicking my butt! I always believe whether we can see it or not life is preparing us for what is to come. It is truly out for our best interest and sometimes when we can't make the leap of faith on our own we are catapulted to do it, pushed off a cliff so to speak like I was. I have never lived out of suitcases for more than two weeks and guess what I have learned that I can. I have never taken a road trip and had to compromise making sure both parties were content at all times and guess what I did it. That trip gave me some of the greatest gifts life can. I conquered a fear I was unaware I would have to as the roads got really windy and narrow and visibility wasn't great so let's talk about a metaphor for my life. I had to put all the trust in the world in God's hands. I would love to say I did it entirely gracefully but I didn't. After all I was responsible for another human being as well and it never stopped raining. I had no option but to drive through the storm and it was amazing! Pulling over and letting others by who were more comfortable going fast taught me to accept my pace and have patience with myself as I was navigating unknown territory on these roads. When the weather got so bad at night time and visibility was practically impossible I made the call to stop and rest even if financially it would make a dent. I would rather make the drive in the morning when I could see and live to tell others about it. ;-)
It truly is amazing to see the parallels to my life. In this current journey I am learning who my true friends are and whom it's okay to let go of and grow in different directions. I have learned, as hard it may have been, that some friends can't help when you are down. I fell pretty hard yet it was in the falling that I found so much. All the things people spend a life time trying to decipher or acquire I have them. The knowledge that what matters most is who will swing open the door to their home and welcome you when you have nowhere to go is the greatest gift. It is in the fall that I have not only been stripped of a lot and been asked to return to my foundation and start a new but it also is where I learned that it all boils down to one four letter word, LOVE. Love is the way, where the answer lies and in the end what gets you by. Love for others, from others and for yourself and most of all in my case for LIFE!
I owned a lot and now I own what I feel I need but when I visit my storage I feel like I kept too much, even after five trips to Goodwill. I kept the basics and I found a new way of living. It's taken some adapting to and perhaps the biggest lesson has been love for oneself. Knowing my worth and what I deserve has made it not easy but easier to accept the circumstance and ask for help. Something I have never been big on so yes I see that God and the universe took me to a place where I had no choice but to ask for help. Some of the answers have broken my already broken yet healing heart and some have shown me that when push comes to shove some people have more love within them then they led on and some less than their words spoke of. It's so true that when people show you who they are and where they are in life you should believe them. In my opinion send them love, let them go and grow in a different direction where the love you deserve resides and awaits you perhaps it will exceed your expectations like it always does mine.
I am getting through all this one day at a time and have found a new home. It's temporary but it is in a part of Los Angeles that ironically has always felt like Austin, where my birth family is now. An easy going, no one cares what you look like or do feeling kinda town. It's close to where I take my hikes and visit the stars. Within walking distant actually and after eleven years of living alone I am about to find out what sharing space is like once again. I grew up being the youngest of seven so talk about sharing space. In meeting my new roommate who will remain anonymous I realized God is so wise and always in the details crossing my path yet again right on time with someone who is lighting the way and who informed me that I am lighting theirs.
The direction I choose to grow in while facing the circumstance is up to me. What was never an option was to shrivel up in a corner, curse life and give up. Giving up was never an option. Resting until I conjured up the energy to get up and find a way through the darkness always was and as I was resting this song surfaced to light the dark hallway I am currently residing in till the door swings open to the magical what next that is brewing. Upon hearing it I realized that once more God was speaking to me and had sent a healer my way. I see this as I won't give up on LIFE. I have been given the gift of absorbing this song so much magic is being born as I take it as a conversation between me and God. God acknowledging what it sees in my eyes and showing me exactly who I am by giving me the courage to not be a victim of circumstance but the rainbow born because of rainstorm. Hail included. Thank you for giving me my space to doubt God. I love you. I am you! I AM STILL LOOKING UP AND WITHIN. <3
To all my AMAZING healers who have reached out their hand to help lift me up while I struggle to stand like a new born calf learning the steps of life all over again I say THANK YOU! Pamela, wow, the depth of your love has astounded me, Michael you are not only one of the funniest men I know you are LOVE, Danielle, Jon and Cienna thanks for sharing your space en route to that amazing faith building roadtrip, Bev I have no words and all I can think of is I sure as hell have done something right, Areli what a way to grow in patience, taking a road trip with me, ;-) Merci! Paris awaits you young lady, Jerry our time together in the dance studio is oxygen to my tired lungs and blood pumping into my healing heart- TE ADORO!, and YOU to you Adriana wow kiddo (as Neil would call you) you freaking did it and are doing it! In gratitude you are dancing your way through the storm allowing yourself to grow in a different direction. Without my friends I know I could do it but it would have been a lot harder so this one is for you and your AMAZING ways! I WANT TO THANK YOU! God what can I say all knowing, ;-) you humble me and make me so proud to be your daughter, I AM GRATEFUL! I thank you for my current journey, its growth spurt and your unconditional LOVE for me clearly shown in so many ways. <3 You are the greatest love of all!
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