These days are fairly simple for me and I make it through them because I am taking it one day at a time. Some days like today require me to take it one hour at a time. As Lisa and I drove into Malibu today I turned to her to ask her a question and I started to sob as all the memories came rushing back as we headed towards the place I had received the call at two weeks earlier. Two weeks have gone by and I am getting by. Some days are better than others but I have no doubt am I fumbling my way through them because of my friends.
Michael makes me laugh just by being Michael. Man can he talk and as I learned this week over dinner man can he listen. Randy and Lisa meet with me and allow me to work at a ridiculously slow pace, which is so not me, but by allowing me that they allow me to immerse myself in the distraction that work is for me these days. Mary Queen will get up at any random hour of any random day stop what she is doing and take a walk with me. These people are crucial in my survival these days. It's tempting, very tempting to fall into the arms of darkness when I think of all I have been through in the last year and a half and then I think about how blessed I am to be here and that darkness starts to appear less relevant and frightening and more of a reminder of what lies ahead. A reminder that the storm will give way to a rainbow as the only thing constant is change.
Two days ago I tried hard to conjure up the energy to work to no avail so I decided to listen to my body and lay on the couch. I watched I heart Huckabees and cried and laughed and as the end of the film came as I was left with gratitude. Watching it seven years after I had been in therapy and living an existential crisis made me realize that yes the only thing constant is change. I am so not the person I was then. This was how I felt last time around at twenty-seven.
You'd have to see the movie to understand the reference. To me now it's so funny but back then it was no laughing matter. Between her character and Jason Schwartzman's character I felt so understood. I cared so much about what others thought and my main goal in life was to please others. If you know me now you know how far from me that is these days. Back then I was discovering that I had a right to be me and not who I was expected to be. That meant finding a way to stay in the industry I love to be a part of without letting it tear me apart.
I found a way and it lead to this blog. It was a long journey and the way it impacted my life and changed me is astounding. I came to understand I had choices. Back then I didn't know I could say no to people. I didn't know I could set boundaries and I had no idea how powerful I was or that my voice had a right to be heard. Things I know now and things, which made watching this film a delight in the midst of the sadness. It was almost as if I needed to watch it so I could see that eventually I will make it to the other side of this pain even if it feels years away. I genuinely believe that everything happens for a reason and I can already see what this journey and processing it all is doing for me as far as preparing to portray Esperanza. It's a little eerie how much my life is imitating the film these days. I can see clearly what God is doing and where this is leading. It's scary in so many ways because it's going to challenge me to grow in many ways and go outside my comfort zone yet again. It is outside my comfort zone where I find the courage to be more than I know I can. It's there where God shows me what I am capable of.
For those days that it feels like too much I have the awareness to be able to see God communicate with me. I want to run from this pain. I've been trying to get out of town since the day that fateful call came and nothing has panned out. I couldn't even get myself to Sundance for my friend's film premiere. As the realization hit me that I can't run from this pain and that I have to make my way through it at a realistic pace the following song came on the radio. It was my first time hearing it and word for word I knew God was trying to get through to me and God did.
Look at those lyrics! If that is not God talking to me than I don't know what is. It will be alright again. Maybe not today but someday.
I have repeatedly asked God for faith, and I know because I have lived it, that when you ask for faith you aren't just given a big helping of it. Nope. You are given lessons, which will allow you to acquire it or loose it. The CHOICE is mine! I am learning once again that, "Faith is a process of leaping into the abyss not on the basis of any certainty about "where" we shall land, but rather on the belief that we "shall" land." Carter Heyward
I don't know exactly where all this is leading but I do trust that everything is happening as it should and if I resist it, it will persist. So as best as I can today and everyday I go with the flow of the guidance of God and the universe and the beat of my heart. Trusting that when the time is right the winds of change will smile upon me once more and I will have made my way through the journey, taken its lessons with me, and learned to live once more. The point as I have read before is to LIVE and the answers I seek now I know will not come now because the point is to live them and I can not live now what I am not ready for. I read somewhere that "Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.” I am once again becoming who I ought to be and the only way I can discover what lies within me is by surrendering to the journey. Emerson was quoted as having said, "What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within." I am finding that to be true once more. Change is the wind blowing me in the direction of my dreams and who I ought to be while living life on its terms. For the ability to allow myself to be carried, especially on days I can not stand, I am grateful. It's been a long time coming but I know a change is gonna come!
P.S. This blog is dedicated to Lisa, Michael, Randy, Mary Queen, Jake, and Paul R. who are my sunshine these days.
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