As I type this I am staring at my passport and airline ticket, which are sitting on my desk. Monday Lisa was here and we were working to get everything together for today's meeting so I could leave it with her and board a flight to Mexico via Texas the following day. By that evening my dad's service had been postponed. His oldest daughter notified me that she needed to finish taking care of some business he left unattended and then would figure out what to do. This was to be the second ceremony for the entire family as the first one had been done very quickly and not everyone was notified. It was done that way because sadly he was found two days later and had to be cremated. What I am grateful for is that he died in his bed. Probably went to sleep and never woke up again. Something I wish for all of us.
I've always been an emotional person guided by my heart and while I have been told on several occasions these emotions are too much or best left for use in my acting all I keep thinking is that they show me I am alive. Thank God for that. I've been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions in the past week to say the least. One moment I laugh and the next I can't move from the couch and my tears turn into a slumber that calms the pain. Processing the death of my father has been so different than Neil's because with the sadness also came this great comfort and peace trusting that he was finally at peace. I try not to but it's hard not to imagine his final days or inner dialogue during his times alone. He lived in an apartment by himself and continued to work even though he had managed to have three wives and twelve kids. I want to believe that he believed that no matter what heaven, God's arms, here in a different way, or wherever we go held a place for him. Some people seem to believe he may not have gotten into heaven and all I can say to that is God has an ability to forgive that is far more grand than we know and we are barely learning to do so here.
It has been suggested to me that I am taking this too hard for a man I barely knew and in that lies the answer. The sadness stems from living a life knowing he existed but life kept us apart. It wasn't like he died while I was young. He was here all my life and for twenty-seven of my thirty-four I never saw him. I believe that entitles me to be sad and as the reality of no possible face to face re-encounter hits me I faced even more sadness. I kept going back and forth with my travel plans. Michael, Lisa and Randy kept telling me to follow my heart and for one of the few times in my life it was hard to listen to it as it was silenced by all the sounds of sadness and fear. Southwest Airlines granting me a free must fly on any flight at any time ticket to help me get to Mexico fast was a sign I should go and just as I was finally prepared mentally and physically to do so the universe changed my direction.
The closure I imagined I would get from meeting my siblings and picking up a photo album of us that was found in his apartment would be postponed. As usual I trusted that yet again God knew why things needed to unfold this way even if I didn't. In mourning my dad's physical existence I've pushed people aside (so I've been told), unloaded my emotional instability on others, and plain and simply been a mess. I do not apologize for where I have been this past week but if I hurt anyone please know it was unintentional. I am in the midst of grasping a lot while a lot continues to be expected of me from my work and others. I've learned that for everyone whose tried to correct my process of mourning in the last week I have ten people listening, letting me cry and who are able and willing to be present with me in the midst of this beautiful mess. Armando was kind enough to let me sob uncontrobally and by the end of the phone conversation we were laughing. He understands my pain as he shared a similar loss in the past year. He told me he admired my ability to laugh through the pain and his words helped relief some of my guilt.
While the possibility of not seeing my father again is flat out sad I am grateful for that fated day in July of 2008 where we crossed paths again via our phone conversation. I am beyond grateful he was able to take that with him. Thinking that he saw all I had been up to via my website makes it bittersweet but more sweet because as he told me I made him proud. My sister Ivonne told me that for all the mistakes he made I was one of his greatest accomplishements. Sweet words that gave me great hope that perhaps he may have thought the same and made me cry like a baby.
What I am left with today is the present and the constant reminder of what a gift it is! So after receiving work news yesterday that I did not want to hear and going to bed terribly sad I woke up with the sun shining genuinely in my heart for the first time in the last week. This prompted me to summon the courage to move forward. A sense of hope was beginning to replace the overwhelming sadness. As I woke and laid in bed I told myself I had to get back out on my hike and reminded myself it was okay to move slow so I did just that. I got to my hike at 10 or so and took over an hour doing it. I usually get there at 6am and finish in an hour. I stood at my favorite corner overlooking Los Angeles and conversed with a God of my understanding. All that could come out of my mouth was "God I need you, God I need you, God I need you and I know you are here now". I felt its presence like I was always do as the winds picked up speed and in a way only I could understand.
Papa I am moving on but don't be afraid you are now with me in a way you weren't able to be before so we are moving on together. You, my mom's dad, Neil, Janet (my first therapist), and Paula (my first agent) are now my guardian angels who along with God allowed me today to summon the courage to move on and continue to trust in God and the universe and their divine plan, far more magical than I can comprehend, for me and my life. I know that any miracles and magic that take place now all of you have a part in. As I am sure you see I am in need of a miracle right now.
Regardless of what anyone chooses to believe I know God, the one I choose to believe in, has a capacity for forgiveness we humans are learning to achieve as part of our lessons here. I know you are safe dad. I just do. I know you will understand that I have a life to live and would encourage me to face it everyday with all the hope, faith, courage and strength that I can. So I am doing just that. Today's calendar of the day quote was "Everyday brings a chance to start over" and I took that and the stunning butterfly on my hike as signs that you understand my need to move forward and LIVE. Perhaps even encourage me to continue to make you proud. As you may now know I am in the midst of some major storms. Just when I can see clearly where I am headed life changes my route and I suffer some heavy losses in that change of direction. Regardless I move forward with a deep understanding that there are no guarantees, that I have a calling I must tend to and that God is not only guiding me but carrying me when I can't walk anymore. It's my belief that something magical and unknown far beyond my comprehension helps me trust that I am now and will always be taken care of. That Ewa hears me. ;-)
Dad, life didn't allow you to witness it but I turned out just like that AMAZING one time wife of yours and mother of mine who raised seven kids alone, a fighter. So in case you are, don't worry about me. I know when to rest and when to stand again and when I am not listening to myself life sends someone to remind me of the importance of knowing when to fight and when to rest my sword. ;-) For the record God I don't believe you turn us on eachother. I believe that when we forget to listen to our hearts and choose to listen to fear and ego we get in trouble. Regardless I will stand for what I believe in! After all the only thing to fear is fear itself and you and I both know I face that beast everyday and I'm still standing. I've met the craken and it's not as scary when you stand in your faith and by your convictions. It actually becomes scared of you. ;-)
I am in for quite the year and lots of great things are coming my way. One thing you should know about me is that when life sends more than enough adversity my way I take it as a sign that the diamond is almost ready. I've witnessed that my ability to endure the darkness is what leads me through the madness into the graceful gift God has prepared for me. Hopefully you'll be able to see it too and maybe someday understand why when people try to impose their fears on me I simply reply "it will all work out". Maybe not how you envisioned but if you let go and surrender to the flow of the universe you may find that the destination you were guided to was far better than the one you were trying to get yourself too. And maybe just maybe you'll see that there are more than just your way of doing things. May the cracks that darkness in your life cause on your soul give way to your light. In 2011 I know my destination will exceed my expectation. So bring on the rain because I look forward to dancing my way through the storm until the rainbow appears.
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