I've had a rough past couple of days, which actually consisted of me getting sick. Sick in a way I hadn't been in a long time and something that I am blessed enough to know was due to the fact that I wasn't taking care of myself. When some sort of boundary isn't being drawn by me and I allow myself to be in a situation that is not the best for me my body lets me know. I have been able to make the connection thanks to a program that as of January, I have been a member of for ten years. A program which through out the years has given me the tools to face all I have been facing.
It was in walking into the room on Sunday where this program meeting takes place and after throwing up repeatedly Saturday night and having to go to a friend's to have her take care of me that I realized how blessed I am to a member of Al Anon. Ten years ago I walked into those rooms because a bad relationship where I put myself last led me there. Ten years later after not being consistent with my meetings for the past couple of months and after forgetting to take care of myself by not drawing a boundary I walked in to find myself grateful for the past ten years and my growth. Most of all for my ability to recognize when I am not taking care of myself. While sitting there I was able to see how much I have grown thanks to this program.
Ten years ago I walked in devastated because I couldn't make a man and relationship what I wanted it and him to be. Ten years later I walked in sad at my circumstance but not devastated. I walked in with a knowledge I didn't have then, all is as it should be. As I sat there Sunday I not only saw how much I've grown but how much I continue to learn. When I was twenty-five not making a man what I wanted seemed like the end of the world and now at thirty-five loosing my dad, friend, home, film and commercial are a very sad circumstance but all part of the plan as I see it. A plan that yes sometimes I wish I could change but a plan these rooms have taught me to trust. In that trust lies the magic that is born of the unknown by choosing to stay present.
It was in coming here and being told about a God of my understanding that my relationship with God became what is today. Like most people who believe I have no definite answer on what God is or where it is but what I do know is that I have come to understand that God is within me, with me at all times and whatever I believe it to be. So for me God is unconditional love, life, everything beautiful and what helps me get through everything that is not so beautiful and yet still in some ways beautiful because out of that darkness comes an appreciation for light. Being raised Catholic introduced me to God. Becoming a member of al anon gave me a God of my understanding.
Having a God of my understanding is one of the greatest gifts ever! One that as I trace back I see what I have come to have a clear understanding of, in due time of all my circumstances, death aside, lead to something and are as they should be. If that man I had wanted to change had not called glued to his car window after another drunk night for me to come get him and if I had not gone to get him I wouldn't have hit the rock bottom I did while I washed his dirty boxers at the hospital. A moment that made me realize that I deserved more and a moment that led to me finally accepting I needed help. I needed to walk back into the room I had walked into once before at nineteen guided by a friend but, which I left as it left me feeling confused and I was unwilling to admit I had a problem. So I left after one meeting. My "problem" is labeled as perfectionism and co dependency to such an extent you put yourself in the situation I did just to feel love, any kind of love. Oh my what time and the winds of change bring. The woman I am today is so not the young girl I once was willing to look everywhere but within for love and yet I owe the woman I have become to her.
I was able to reflect upon all that today and sit in gratitude for my road to recovery. A place where I currently reside and where God is not only unconditional love for myself and others but my constant companion. This God of my understanding is the light shed in many ways through songs, a timed phrase, others, a stunning sunrise, rainbow etc. on this planet. Recovery allowed me to see that and many other great things like how to let go and let God and how to draw a circle around myself and know that anything outside of that is none of my business. A tool I am currently using to forgive myself. I am realizing that while I express sadness and joy among other emotions I struggle with anger and guilt.
That is where I am today. A recovered perfectionist no longer co dependent but still growing through guilt and anger. I have immense gratitude for everyone I sit alongside in those rooms wherever I may find myself from Malibu to Silverlake. In them I found myself. In being able to lean on them when I was a newcomer I was able to find my voice. A voice that had always been there but that had been silenced by the committee, i.e. anyone and everyone but me. I consider all the beautiful souls I share that sacred space with the healers who helped make me the woman I am today and I am eternally grateful to Lois and Bill for being so brave in a time when image was everything.
I am not perfect. I do not want to be. I just want to be me. I hope you find someone (s) who allow you to lean on them and in the process grant you the art of being YOU!
P.S. the healers of the past year and then some are some of the most extraordinary people I have ever crossed paths with. Can't wait for you to see them dance in the storm with me. They have SHOWN me LOVE. Talk about it, be it and above all LOVE YOURSELF! You are God's UNIQUE creation, need more reason than that? I didn't think so. Love is all around! Open your heart! <3
HAPPY TENTH AL ANON BIRTHDAY TO ME! As we say in our closing prayer, "keep coming back, it works if you work it and YOU ARE WORTH IT!"
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