Uncovering my roots.

In a sense you could say I am the chosen one because as the dance continues the music being played requires me to be very attentive to the rhythm so I can follow the steps into the light and uncover my roots. I believe I am the one willing to heal the past and unload the weight of it. Is it my calling? Is that what I came to Austin to do? It is and this week it became clear. I have been helping my sister out at her flower shop but I haven't really been working here. Yes and no, which is something that could only make sense to me. Just like miyagi's wax on wax off proved a great fighting skill for when the time arrived so shall this. It has been made clear to me the depth of the work I came to do here and out of respect for those I love I will not disclose details. All I will say is there is mending that has to take place with two young women who were raised to compete. Unwillingly. Never wanted to. There are severe consequences to constantly being compared to someone, which caused a distance greater than the states that used to separate us. The mending has just begun and a long journey lies ahead but love will prevail. This I sensed as I drove across state lines and could feel the weight slowly start to dissapate and continued to do so as I wax on and wax off to the rhythm of the music orchestrated by God and the universe. ;-) What I never knew was that I was coming to Austin to discover where I come from. I know the facts. I was born in Brownsville, never been, as we left to Monterrey Mexico where my birth father is from shortly after and then was raised in El Paso. On my own I left to study fine arts at fifteen in Monterrey, at seventeen in Mexico City and finally spread my wings wide and headed out west far from it all when I was nineteen. I had been raised in the arts with an uncle who always ran cultural institues in different cities which allowed me to grow up around writes like Carlos Fuentes and painters like Jose Luis Cuevas. My uncle himself is a published poet. My mom was a ballet dancer at Bellas Artes in Mexico City but as the oldest of her siblings was forced to leave her passion to raise them. As life unfolded she became a florist and interior decorator following in her mother's footsteps. Her sister was a model who had traveled the world and an actor whose time acting was mostly spent in Mexico City in the same place I would study years later and make my television debut. By all acounts this would help me understand why poetry steals my heart and longs to be written, why acting felt like I had been doing it my whole life the first time I performed as Snow White in my elemetary classroom play and why I have kicked my leg to the top of my head as far as I can remember while always being drawn to move when music comes on. Any kind of music. It is in my blood would always be my response. My mother's side. By all acoounts I could never imagined it was something I longed to do, all of it, consistently whether paid or not because not only did it speak to my soul, but suprisingly because it's in father's family as well. I don't know my grandparents or aunts and uncles etc. Barely knew my father so how could I know them. Till this day I am the only one in my family who acknowledges him as my father and acknowledges his passing. I have my reasons for doing so and my family has their reasons for doing as they wish. Neither one of us right or wrong just on different journeys. A journey which led me home to Austin as I mentioned earlier to heal a very damaged, strained relationship and unbeknownst to me to discover where I came from. Here I met friends of the family and found out one of them was my father's nephew. I remember thinking my birth father? I felt an instant connection and a desire to know more from people who actually knew him. It turns out him and his wife were as drawn to me as I was to them. Last week we sat and chatted for four hours straight and clarity hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't just come home to heal one relationship. I came to heal so many. It is said in certain traditions that one family member is chosen to heal the past of the family so that love can enter and replace the weight of all that is being carried. As we spoke about that it made complete sense to me but something that made a lot of sense as well was my longing to continue to folow my heART no matter where life guides me to. To never stop dancing, literally. Or acting or producing or being out spoken about my connection to God and the universe no matter who that disspells from my life. As it turns out I come from a long line of artists on my dad's side too! They spoke of the bohemian cousin who was a lawyer by day, one of the most respected in Monterrey, but by a night an afficionado of the guitar, which led him to playing for days straight. Then came the story that shed light on why I continue to dance. Why without dance I feel like mother nature without rain or seasons or air. A man by the name of Xavier Garza Galindo.
I knew of my mother and her passion for it which led to me starting classes at three years old. I am so beyond grateful for that. However it was amazing to discover that the beat goes on because of a man who danced in NY and Chicago, LA and had his own dance academy in Monterrey for nine years where my dad's nephew's wife was his student. The beauty undfolded before my eyes and I can tell this is just the beginning and that this will not only help me, whoever in my family is open to it but most of all me and my future family. My husband and children and the fanmily we create together on God's time will indeed greatly benefit from all this healing as well and it is in tha knowledge that I came to understand the profoundness of these words, "Hold on to me as we go as we roll down this unfamiliar road. And although this wave is stringing us along. Just know you’re not alone cause I’m going to make this place your home. Settle down, it'll all be clear. Don't pay no mind to the demons. They fill you with fear. The trouble it might drag you down. If you get lost, you can always be found." HOME! I AM FOUND! I AM HOME! I AM YOU! Lets let the weight that may sometimes string us along be the waters that carry us home. ;-)

God and the universe this $150 dance is for you!

Before I give you the wrong idea let me just say I am not declaring to God and the universe that they can have my $150 from my pole dancing. All of our journeys are different and all require respect because none of us walk in the shoes of other therefore can't afford to know why certain decisions are made however this $150 dance is more of a dance of instruction and guidance. Meaning it was directed by God and instructed through signs delivered by the universe. By the time I made it home for Christmas in 2011 I had done as Mr. Rothman requested when he issued me a thirty day notice to vacate by December 21, 2011. Merry Christmas! At this point I had also had a Happy F You bday Adriana from my latest commercial gig as I was let go and replaced since the client changed their mind. The odds of that are one in a million but so are the odds of winning a car. Get my drift? Having had both things happen to me, Yes I've also won a car, (On merit as Damion likes to remind people), I knew where this was leading. I've been aware of the signs and following their guidance long enough to know what was happening. I wasn't thrilled about the all in one year factor but I kept my faith that as much as was being taken all at once so would I receive, as so much space had been cleared. My father and Neil aside. So when Crystal Pouriad at Seattles Best on Ventura Blvd. asked me "if I believed in God?" as I ordered a cup of coffee I knew something was up. When my phone rang as I cried in the shower at my parent's house not asking but begging for mercy and forgiveness as the darkness was preying on my weakness and it was Crystal on the other end, yet again I knew something was unfolding. It all became clear when emails where exchanged by a woman who wishes to remain anonymous. I will call her Cardiff by the Sea because you see when I wanted anonymity to go heal and finish my book I spoke to her about renting her Cardiff by the sea apartment. Sadly she couldn't do just one month but she gave me more than she imagined or perhaps her rental could have. When I explained why I could only do a month she felt the connection and shared her loss. A sister, hit with cancer twice in one year and concluded I had been truly tossed about by the universe. It was then that it all became clear. Two angels had shared similar loss. The news had covered plenty of loss since the economy collapsed. Ondrea had also lost her home of ten years when I lost mine of eleven. People are dying everyday, loss. Concluding that change is the ONLY CONSTANT, and taxes as Avenue Q reminds us , I set out to buy the best camera $150 could afford. In a sense I was fearless because at this point I had nothing to loose! Being able to see my dad someday after twenty-six years of not seeing him, gone. Dream over. Being able to see Neil work his magic on raising precious Millie, being a loving husband and make a digital movie look like film, making it win a 6000 entry international film competition but in a different more brighter way, gone. Dream over! Laying my head in my room, changing in my dressing area, working in my home office, dancing on the couch with Zoey to Katy Perry or Taylor Swift, gone! Dream over as eleven years of memories and 1,200 sq ft. became living our of my car. I saw two years worth of work on my latest production gone overnight because I couldn't agree to extension terms or being bullied. I was called a fraud, liar and many other names all after saying one word, NO. I stand by what I said in defense of myself because yes I have learned how to take care of me and my team. So while this dream ended I had a hand in this dream being over and I would do it again. Most of all I had trust that God knew there was reason to its end and it would reveal itself in time as it has. Loosing my home, commercial and film all in one month was just as it was meant to be. It became apparent in final negotiations of film option, that God shun a light on the darkness to reveal things I had to see. That clarity made it possible to decipher Crystal and Cardiff by the sea as they entered my life. They gave me the courage to do one of the most brave things I have ever done, not give a fuck. Please truly pardon my French Monseuir and Mademoiselle but when the storm hits like it did in my life and you are left in the aftermath like I was, the last thing on my mind was to play by filmmaking rules. $150 bought me the Nikon L105 and life was gifting me the art. I would have to rely on Mother Nature for lighting as well as set decorations. God would do the directing and this time there would be no acting from me. Simply living life on its terms and trusting with all my heart COME WHAT MAY that I was following the signs. Which allowed me to pick up the camera and DP aka be my own director of photography. In simplest terms camera woman for the first time. A camera I handed to whoever was present when possible. While I avoided telling most what I was doing so no one would act for the camera of those that did know some were quick to tell me how I was missing important elements to filmmaking and could not do it without them forgetting there is no amount of heart equipment or film school can gift you greater than what's already in me. All I had to do was summon the courage to reveal my heart and passion. Remembering that the you can't do it usually means I can't so I will tell you can't either and we will live in the world of someday when we can together. A companionship I do not wish to be afforded so I continued channelling God, remembering the words of Cotter after seeing my first production, The Art of Being, "Well done. I implore you to carry on and see where this takes you." Most of all I continued summoning the courage to decipher and follow the signs. I made a conscious decision to dance through the storm instead of waiting for it to pass because I held a deep understanding in my God compass aka gut that this was not just a dance for me. It was for all of us, for humanity. Loss is a part of life that is usually lived in company of the darkness aka lucifer, negative energy etc. but more than anything it is something all of us WILL experience unlike fame and riches, which society has chosen to place high above all and value the most. I danced, literally, for ME and YOU. I left all worries behind trusting that it was up to me to show that yes I lost but that the only true way to loosing overall would be to not get up and dance, to give up on life. Trust me on a lot of days, like when I was living out of my car and my tire popped on the 101, giving up seemed like the obvious but because I didn't I can now hand over to my greatest teacher my homework assignmment. God and the universe, here it is! I hope you are proud but most of all I hope together we can shine a light on loss and healing. I am beyond humbled that you would truust me to such an extent to carry out the assignment. This $150 dance is yours and miracle is ours! Let the magic of the healing begin! Your most humbled daughter, Adri

"And She Danced, Life after loss" Documentary Trailer from Adriana Garza on Vimeo.

P.S. more can be found at www.facebook.com/adrianagarzaproductions
but here's a taste of the journey. Love at first sight. Borrowing words from a friend. I see you! I know you. I am you. I love you! More magic! My vision on my journal dated January 6, 2012 An accidental outcome. We were shooting one of me doing the splitz in the air that day to be the artwork for the doc and during a dance break I handed my Denise, who was photographing, my iphone and spread my wings. I guess God and the universe had another idea for the artwork. Exceeded my expectation like things do when I leave them in their hands. Once we saw what happened I handed it over to Jonathan Sanhueza for his magical touch. So thanks to Steve Jobs, his invention, Jonathan and of course Mother Nature and God and the universe I have the final artwork. The dream from the pages of my journal has come to life. So the dance continues....

Here comes a fighter.

By society's standards I should or could have amounted to nothing. A Latina raised by a single mother in a country that was not my Mother's with a father who left when I was seven and no college education. If I played by the rules society affords me I might as well have thrown in the towel the day I saw my father leave in his station wagon. But it's those very moments that can define us in the best of ways. I may not have had the easiest of lives but what would I know of my most powerful always present companions, God and the universe, had everything always gone right. I woke up contemplating this because I am still dancing through the tail end of the storm seeing where this tornado is leading once it fully decides to stop. Even once it does life with all it's beauty will still happen on its terms. I choose life because it chooses me. Everyday that I wake up and take my first breath there is wow factor to it for me. I'm here!! It's a miracle. To me it is and if you had walked in my shoes you 'd understand but let's just say Neil waking up as I see death now and transitioning into existence on another realm impacts my view. Somedays I am exhausted like I was last night. It happens when the signs aren't ready to reveal their meaning and I try to decipher them before it's time. So basically when I try to rush the magic. I won't lie. I'm tired! But in all honesty I'm done being so and my conviction solely but surely returned. It was a road you'll see in my documentary because while 2011 may have been the straw that broke LA's back and detoured me to Austin a lot had to happen for me to be ready. Years of preparation. In those years I had to keep up a good fight. I had to know what only I could know because God and the universe where whispering to only me. I am not the labels given to me by society based on my circumstances, which are out my control. I am indeed who I choose to become not in spite of those circumstances but because of them. I choose the labels as I define me and will always keep up a good fight and redefine all that has been defined for me. Even if that means that I have to surround my most beloved bound by blood journey companion who is now closer in distance with love to help dis spell their fear of their supposed journey of demise I am on. It surely hurts when darkness prevails in those you love the most and comes after you, but like I told it, you WILL NOT take them or me down on my watch. Thank you light for showing yourself to counter attack in Ruben's words. I second all he said. "AND THE TYPE OF ARMOR THAT WILL NEVER TAKE DEFEAT AS COMPROMISE. RETREAT, MAYBE BUT, ONLY TO GATHER YOURSELF UP FOR A BIG CHARGE INTO THE BREACH. WE LOVE YOU." I'm back because I was reminded to breathe and then rescued which in the process led to me growing stronger and in the end I became a fighter once more. Do you know why I will succeed darkness? God and the universe know what your ego fails to allow you to see. My fight is not solely for me. It's for humanity as we are all bound by ties that existence gifts us and the biggest one is the light. But I'm preaching to the choir. You already know, after all this isn't the first time you loose. If that means everyday I have to blast this song on my walks to remind you darkness and me than so be it as its words could not be more true. I am coming back because I am ready to reveal the gifts of my circumstances and be the label I choose to be, a loving fighter most of all child of God and the universe. That title carries enough brightness to brighten even the darkest of souls. Shame on you for preying on the weak. Pick on someone your own size. Yes I see you and I am no longer scared of you. Dear reader, I am the chosen one which means so are you. Let's keep up the fight for eachother! See you on the battlefield aka this precious gift called life! This fighter has brought to life these words "Give em hell, turn their heads. Gonna live life 'til we're dead. Give me scars, give me pain. Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me there goes the fighter, there goes the fighter. Here comes the fighter. That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me, THIS ONE'S A FIGHTER." P.S. (c) Cheryl Richardson

I'm not here to entertain fear I am here to shine a light....

Therefore now when I think of you I am not sad. I smile and think of when it was brighter than the sun and I am grateful I got to know what that is like. When I think of the past I am grateful for it gifted me the present. When I miss my LA family I find solace in gratitude for them as their friendship gave birth to my being able to endure 2011 which ultimately birthed, "And She Danced, Life after loss." When I think of the darkness I am grateful as it reminds me of the importance of the light and what it gifts me when I look past its temporary visit. What didn't kill me made me stronger and because I am here to shine light as of this very moment I can no longer be your host and entertain you. Dearest Fear I won't let you linger. I have my wings again, my conviction is back and to you I say see you in the battlefield I'll be the one shinning brightly from within! Thanks for reminding me just how far away from you I must be in order to shine brighter than the sun. My only wish is others like me can find the strength to not host or entertain you as life is brighther than you make it appear but things aren't always what they seem. I'm back and it's almost time. I can genuinely feel it and for that I AM GRATEFUL because who am I to tell fate where its supposed to go. All I simply do is navigate the winds of change and this change, oh my, this change is birthing magic! This blog was inspired by the picture above taken at Town Lake in Austin, July 2, 2012.