The journey continues! Meet the Bearing Fruit production team.

As I make my way through these recent transitions I can tell you one thing is certain for me, the loss of my dad and friend have taught me that I must go on because what we all know becomes more evident, there are no guarantees. I trusted myself enough to know that I would be able to move forward and continue my journey for this current project that consumes me with passion when it felt right and that time has come. Someday I will chrononicle the entire journey of the project whose title can not be more fitting, Bearing Fruit. The signs that kept my hope alive, Esperanza Spalding, the things I choose to walk away from, investors,while trusting God that putting principle before profit would pay off. Most of all the way I was able to see how every detour, where it felt like it in the moment or not, was indeed leading me to the road that I was meant to be on. I trust the detours are leading to a destination far beyond what I can dream, which is why delays sometimes take place in order to make sure all of us journeying together are ready.

I believe universal conspiracies usually require that we be ready to step into the big shoes aka a big moment life presents us with. That we be ready for the grandiose destination we are being guided to is crucial as any negative feelings can make you believe you aren't deserving when in reality I believe you are guided to exactly what you have worked hard for and more. On this journey I am accompanied by some extraordinary teachers who everyday show me what passion, dreams and tenacity can create. I present to you with great honor the production team behind Bearing Fruit. Without them my journey would be incomplete and very different. For their ability to weather the storm with me with such grace I am beyond grateful. I can't not wait to see where all this is taking us. We appreciate your support as we continue to move forward and Bear Fruit.

Bearing Fruit is a dramatic narrative that explores the depth and complexity of our familial relationships. The story is a character study into some of the pertinent philosophical questions that have emerged from Man’s use of modern technology. The interpersonal struggles of the Rodriguez family will allow the audience to ponder and experience the relationship between science and ethics, causing us to contemplate and define the parameters between human individuality and the collective units that structure our society. (Website coming soon)


EXECUTIVE PRODUCER PAUL RODRIGUEZ

Comedian/Actor Paul Rodriguez was born in Culiacán, Sinaloa, Mexico to parents who were migrant farm laborers. He was raised in East Los Angeles and served in the military, where he was stationed in Iceland and Duluth, Minnesota. Rodriguez considered becoming a lawyer, but instead went into comedy. His first shot at national fame was the ABC sitcom a.k.a. Pablo. Rodriguez has starred in several feature films including, D.C. Cab, Born in East L.A., Tortilla Soup, Rat Race, and Ali. He directed and starred in the film A Million to Juan. Rodriguez has also performed voice-over roles on King of the Hill, Dora the Explorer and Beverly Hills Chihuahua. In 2011 he will return to theaters alongside Eva Longoria and Christian Slater in Without Men, in which Rodriguez plays a guerrilla leader. Rodriguez currently stars in the comedy-reality series 'Mis Videos Locos' on MTV Tr3s. He is glad to be a part of the Bearing Fruit team and annoy, we mean support long time friend Adriana Garza.


EXECUTIVE PRODUCER/ACTOR ADRIANA GARZA
"Adriana Garza is a talented actress, producer, and above all a human being who is capable of following her dreams." Paulo Coelho- Latin Star Magazine Oct. 09’

Adriana was born to Mexican parents in Brownsville, Texas. As a result her childhood consisted of traveling between Mexico and the United States making her fluent in both languages. Her ballerina mother, Mercedes Cortazar, who put Adriana in dance classes at the age of three and theater at the age of ten, influenced her career choice.

As an actor she has appeared in several commercials for Dodge, Burger King, and Reddi Wip to name a few. In 2009 she appeared in a commercial for Unicef’s Tap Project, which prompted her to become a volunteer with the 2010 Tap Project and produce the Los Angeles fundraiser for Unicef’s Tap Project. She is passionate about the cause because it provides children in underdeveloped countries their basic human right, clean water. Her Unicef commercial, "Desperate", has gone on to win eight awards in 2009 and 2010, most recently the NY Festival Award awarded in Shanghai. In 2009 it was one of ten finalists at the Cannes Lions Awards from over 4,000 International entries. She also appeared as the lead character Athena in "The Experimental Witch" as well as produced the film. In May of 2010 Adriana was awarded the President’s Volunteer Service Award for her commitment to community service.

Since its inception in 2006 her production company’s work has been featured in GLAMOUR magazine, won her the Toyota Moving Forward Award, won the Paulo Coelho International Film competition, premiered at the Rome Film Festival and helped create awareness of the Global Water Crisis.


DIRECTOR RANDY KENT

Randy’s feature work includes Life, Death & Mini-Golf, starring SNL’s Kristen Wiig; The Lempke Brothers; the current festival touring indie drama Life Of Lemon, starring Dan Lauria and Beth Grant; and the horror anthology The Perfect House, that is soon start a multi-city tour campaign.

His short film, Timmy the Bag Boy, is an award winning festival hit that played throughout the United States, along with schools across the country of India.

Additional awards Kent has received throughout his career include “Best Comedy Short”, “Best Commercial” and “Best Music Video” at The Hollywood Film Look Festival.

With one feature film currently in post-production, two projects touring the country and another in pre-production, this award winning director continues to push boundaries with his off-the-cuff sense of humor, style and his keen eye for taking stories from the written page to the screen.


WRITER JOHN A. RINCON

John Andrew Rincon was born in Corpus Christi, Texas (a.k.a. "The Sparkling City by the Sea"); birthplace of Farah Fawcett, legendary Tejano singer Selena and, most prominently, the world famous Whataburger.

From a young age, John's writing ability was recognised by teachers; however, at the age of 10, John turned down entry into a magnet school for gifted students in order to stay at public school with "his bros". His subsequent youth was spent either on the beach or in trouble and sometimes a colorful combination of both. As the story goes, it wasn't until John reached 28 years of age that he finally picked up his pen again. With a multitude of diverse life experiences under his belt, he has since graduated from The University of Texas RTF program and is now living in Sydney, Australia with his lovely new wife and daughter, where he is currently working on his next script: Mucho Garcia: Operation Garden The Prequel; a comedic satire that is a modern day version of Don Quixote meets Austin Powers.

CO-PRODUCER LISA SKARVELES

Lisa was born in sunny south Florida and gained a passion for film at a very young age. She enjoyed countless movie marathons and became captivated with storytelling and the movie-making process. Her original career plan involved Law School but after high school, she decided that life was to short and she wanted to pursue her passion of film. She graduated from the University of Central Florida at the age of 20 with a Bachelor of Science in Business Administration and a minor in Cinema Studies. A few months after graduation, she packed up her bags and moved to Los Angeles to start her career. This is where her journey begins and will continue to grow.

CASTING DIRECTOR BLANCA VALDEZ

Blanca Valdez Casting Inc. is a leading provider of talent casting services to production companies and advertising agencies. Services include: casting in English, casting in Spanish, multi language casting, accent specific casting, real people for any market, celebrities of all types, voice over casting, print AD/Photo talent search, special abilities, hard to fill roles. BVC offers coordinated multi location casting services via it’s network of partners in Las Vegas, New York, Miami, Vancouver B.C., Toronto, Mexico City, Madrid, Paris, Rio de Janeiro, and Buenos Aires. The busiest dedicated and independent casting facility in Los Angeles is also among the most technologically advanced. Each of their young and energetic casting associates is bilingual and all have experience in both the English and Spanish markets. They specialize in saving their clients time and money by providing a single stop talent source no matter what market, vector, language, or accent. Blanca Valdez has done it all, more than once, and she has the credits and the reputation to prove it. We are honored to have her onboard.



WARDROBE STYLIST MICHAEL MULLEN

Michael originally hails from San Antonio, Texas and currently lives in Hollywood with his two dogs Wally and Lulu (a.k.a. his children) and loves to eat, perform, design clothes and costumes, eat, write, watch GENERAL HOSPITAL, and oh yeah-eat. He has a degree in theatre from The University of Southern California and a fashion design degree from The Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising. Michael has performed in and costume designed several productions both on stage and on film throughout Los Angeles. Some of the plays that he has performed in recently are: ALEXANDRA (East L.A. Rep.), SEVEN AT WEST 70TH (Little Fish Theatre), DON GIOVANNI TONIGHT, DON CARLO TOMORROW (Sacred Fools Theatre), SOPHISTICATED BROADWAY (The Blank Theatre Company), TOOTH AND NAIL (Little Fish Theatre), SYLVIA (Hermosa Beach Playhouse), WAIT UNTIL DARK (Hermosa Beach Playhouse), CHICO'S ANGELS (Cavern Club Theatre), PORCELAIN (Celebration Theatre), OOOOOGY GREEN AND OTHER FABLES (Celebration Theatre, Geffen Playhouse, and Magic Theatre), AMERICA’S NEXT TOP BOTTOM (Celebration Theatre and The Actor's Playhouse), DEAR HARVEY (Celebration Theatre), THE ART OF BEING (Artworks Theatre Los Angeles and The Bailiwick Chicago).

He is currently costuming BEARING FRUIT (Adriana Garza Productions) and CABARET (Doma Productions). You can also check out some of his fashion design escapades on Craigslist TV (Youtube.Com/Craigslist) which is produced by Brownstone Entertainment. He hopes to one day have an evening and bridal wear clothing line.

For futher information on Bearing Fruit and Adriana Garza Productions please visit
Adriana Garza Productions

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This blog wouldn't be complete if I didn't end it the way I always do. Everyone mentioned in this blog at one point or another in the past few months held me up and helped me through the unknown. They were my flashlight in the darkness that appeared as all doors seemed to close at once and leave me in the dark hallway. Most of all their actions showed that they had faith in me trusting that when I was ready the light inside of me, which has been dimmed by what the unknown has brought, would again become a firework and that time has come. For their faith in me there really are no words as I do not need that faith when GLAMOUR, Toyota, Paulo Coelho and Rome come calling, on the contrary I need it when they are not and while I live my way into the what next. May you be blessed to be surrounded by people whose faith guides you back to your light and may an explosion of fireworks occur when all your lights come together too!

Waiting for the end, Entirely New Direction, to come.

Twenty days ago I was sitting here expressing all I was feeling and while I did that the call I was hoping for arrived right as I finished typing my last blog and right on time. It's been three weeks since I've sat across from the woman whose voice I heard on the other end of the line and who at the time was a complete stranger to me. I had contacted her office because as I grow through different journeys in this lifetime I keep learning what is in my best interest and gratefully I've learned to act upon those lessons. What I realized this time was that I couldn't wait for the pain I was feeling to devour me and launch me into a deep sea of fear. I had to take action because I knew that I couldn't avoid life on life's terms. I couldn't change Neil's passing or my father's passing. No matter how magical I believe the universe to be I knew that was one thing the universe could not grant me and I was being met with an END. A journey full of hope to be able to know my dad someday had come to an end and would not be. A journey full of hope of working with Neil again and watching him gracefully and kindly guide his crew through a film set had also met its end and would not come to be. Both of the those journeys had arrived at a literal end and so I knew what would have to come next for me. My end with them would be an opportunity to take an Entirely New Direction as I live on.

I knew I had to move on but I also knew I had to walk through the fire that was now my reality. I prayed to not be consumed by the fire of fears that constantly plagued me. I was in a reality so far from the one I knew but what I had learned the most in the past few years was that if I refused to face this reality head on and face my biggest fear, being consumed by the flames of these fears I was living and the unbalance my life was currently in, I would pay an even bigger price and someday down the line when I least expected I would come undone. I would fall apart out of nowhere because all I refuse to face now would eventually catch up to me and remind me that what I resisted persisted, as many things have in my past. So that fateful day I told the complete stranger on the other end of the line that I would see her the following week and that I was grateful for the six weeks I would be spending sitting across from her.

After our first session I told her why I cried the way I did on our first phone call. I mentioned my blog and how I had just finished typing it when her call came through. Coincidence? Wish I believed in those but I don't. I believe there are no accidents and what she told me next reassured me in my belief! This therapy six week session is free but you have to qualify based on need for therapy. When I applied I was told there was a waiting list and it would be a few months. I thought fine I'll go when the universe thinks it's time for me to go, as with everything in my life. Do I always agree with the timing? Maybe not right away but eventually I come to see that timing is everything and that I have no control over timing. ;-) She told me she had a stack of applications she was looking through and one session available. She said when she ran across mine she knew to call me. Accident? Not in my eyes. I had just had a really rough day and had blogged about it and asked for help and there she was. A timely heaven sent angel because God and the universe saw my pain and wanted to help me face the fires of fears I was tempted to be consumed by.

While I may realize that these fears I was facing are indeed false evidence appearing real some days they felt more real than false and were accompanied with an array of emotions. Emotions I did not long to hide or run from but emotions I also did not want to be consumed by. I wanted to restore my balance and in order for that to happen I knew I would have to walk through the fears, face them get to the brink of insanity and come back to my essence. I have been working on that for three weeks and have another three to go. Today as I left her office I realized that I like her a lot and that are paths crossing is no coincidence. While things are coming up again that I dealt with last time in therapy, which are bound to resurface when you are grieving not only the loss of your father but also the loss of what could have been, I actually feel lighter when I leave her office and not drained like I often did the last time I was in therapy in 2005. It feels like I am letting go and letting God a lot more than I ever have. That while a sadness underlines the acceptance of my current reality I am still able to accept it.

The balance I completely lost in the weeks after my father's passing which caused me to act out in fear is being restored. Everyday one day at a time I put one foot in front of the other and move forward as best as I can. Most days I laugh and everyday I am grateful for my existence and the fact that it allows me to be here to grow through this journey. A journey which I trust, whether it is clear right now or not, is taking me in an Entirely New Direction. I believe it is not a coincidence that my six week session ends as spring begins. That perhaps the universe timed it so that this butterfly can shed her cocoon when the flowers bloom once again and the sun will hopefully not only shine in the skies over Los Angeles but God willing genuinely in my heart once more.

Today in session when speaking of ways I block myself in receiving love from those I am interested in we laughed as we concluded I am not perfect and should forgive myself for actions taken based on fear immediately following the passing of my father which ended up alienating someone I wanted close by. Oh and that whole not perfect thing is up for debate. I kid of course it's all about progress not perfection for me. In that progress not perfection mindset I decided to keep working on my film because life is short but to not throw myself into work so much I lost balance again. I opted to stay away from any action that stemmed from fear and denied me the ability to process the process and eventually take me in an entirely new direction. I decided to face my fears and comfort myself with music like this song whose appearance and timing in my life was no coincidence and whose lyrics I found complete solace in. As the song says, "This is not what I had planned. It’s out of my control. I know what it takes to move on" and since I do I sit here and share with you my journey towards my Entirely New Direction and my only hope is that you may find your way through yours too!

Finding forgiveness in being the daughter of a con artist.

The week my father passed almost a month ago I received a lot of calls and emails. I got to a point where I couldn't focus anymore on what I was reading or listening to. I opted to make a folder in my email and place all the emails there so that when I was ready to process them and reply I would. Few things stick out about the weeks that followed the call. I recall my emotions being terribly heightened and since so many things came undone, personally and professionally, within the following week of the call I tried to control everything I knew I couldn't to try and stop the process of what I was catapulted into growing through. I can see now that my behavior actually pushed people away from me and as time has gone on I have held hope that given the circumstance all of them know it has nothing to do with them.

Few things stand out like the following two. Ruben who was slated, and I am still hoping for a miracle so it can be so, to portray my character's dad in my film called me. We had a lovely conversation but what stood out the most was when he told me I had given my dad a great gift by being able to forgive him and that perhaps that forgiveness had allowed him to cling on to life for two more years. When I had spoken to my father, after twenty-four years of not doing so, he had mentioned he was in remission from cancer. Whether my forgiveness allowed him to live on or not I will never hear it from my father's lips but I have a gut feeling it may have as I know what a great feeling it is not only to forgive but be forgiven. Recent years have shown me how powerful it is to forgive oneself as well.

The second thing that stood out for me was said by my sister Ivonne. I found her quite courageous in being able to speak such beautiful words as being the oldest of the seven afforded her the ability to process all the pain my dad's choices caused. The day after I had found out I laid on one couch crying and Lisa laid on the other keeping watch over me. I wasn't really answering the phone much but when I saw unknown on the caller id, which tends to be Mexico, I knew I should. My sister spoke with me for a while and then said the words that will stay with me forever, "For all the mistakes your father made you were one of his greatest accomplishments." I cried and cried at the possibility that he may have felt that too. That reconnecting with me and getting a glimpse into the woman I had become may have made him proud that I was nothing like him.

I've been told he was a con artist and that is why it was best we not have him in our lives. Being in therapy for four years allowed me to see many things. One is that people are what they know and from what I know of his childhood it was very difficult for someone like him having lived what he did without any help from a therapist or of some sort to have been fit to raise another human being. As he showed me by example it was very difficult. All of us I believe have stuff we have come here to work out, the reasons for it and what it all leads to beyond this existence I know nothing of but I have learned that accepting circumstances can make life a beautiful mess because within all the hardships, battles, challenges or whatever you wish to call them you will find yourself with the ability to see how beautiful it is to be here to LIVE them. Of course I wish some days were easier but I also know from experience that easy comes at a cost and that is not really LIVING.

He lived as best as he could as best as he knew how. My sister's words have kept me thinking about how I turned out nothing like him. Maybe I have some of his traits of which I am unaware of, good ones I hope, but ultimately I am the complete opposite of him. While my mom has something to do with that I also believe who I was born to be is just so different than who he was born to be and yet I am and will forever be my father's daughter. I will forever be the daughter of a con artist and I am so okay with that. Who he was and how he chose to live does not lay my path before me. I think being able to forgive him and his choices has allowed me to pave my own path and perhaps pushed me in the direction of choosing the extreme opposite of what he did. His example taught me what I didn't want to be and what I didn't want for my children. Maybe without that I wouldn't work so hard to be who I am and make the choices I make.

I've been labeled picky but perhaps now people will see why it is of utmost importance to me to not only bring life into this world with someone who regards it with as much responsibility as I do but also with someone who longs for the experience and lessons parenthood will bring. It is no small feat and I will never treat it as such. Ironically I believe my dad is out there making sure whoever he is is fit for his daughter. I believe he is out taking care of me in ways he never could while he was here. I hear him comfort me in my time of sorrow and I trust all is as it should be even if today I can't comprehend it.

I will never know the truth about who my dad was or what he did. I will always carry with me the perception of what everyone who shared life with him thought. However because of my choices I will also now carry with me the knowledge that I have forgiven myself for being the daughter of a con artist, I have forgiven him for being a con artist, and I am in the process of forgiving all those who can not seem to forgive him. Con Artist was just a label dad. You could have been so much more but at the same time I trust everything is as it should be. Thinking of you a lot today. Mostly grateful that you gave me the gift of life. Hopefully you forgave me for not having the courage to see you in person since our call. I didn't feel ready and if there is one thing life has taught me it's that if you pry the butterfly out of its cocoon before it's ready its wings won't be able to spread and it won't fly. I wasn't ready to fly your way and I am sorry. "You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well." Lewis B. Smedes


Timing is everything dad. Life keeps showing me that over and over. As I grow through these changes, which appear to have insurmountable challenges please give me strength to carry on and the ability to forgive myself on the days I can't. Therefore allowing me to work my way into the what next TRUSTING that you, grandpa, Neil, Janet, Paula, and all my other angels along with God are ensuring that my TIME to move beyond this and into an extraordinary what next will come right on time. Thanks for watching over my dreams and guiding me to them. WOW! Just as I was finishing this blog the call came and proved timing is everything. I got the call that I am no longer on a waiting list and my first session starts next week. Thank you! I have someone to talk to again. If there is ever proof that I am not just taking to myself or my beliefs are crazy as my ex called them it's in moments like this phone call. Grateful to be able to see the beauty in such a hard day and the timing is indeed everything!

Thank you God, dad, grandpa and Neil for hearing my cries. ;-)

Allowing my friends to lead the way home.

I once read a quote that stayed with me, "Surround yourself with people who uplift you." I can't remember where or who said it but I took it to heart. I am feeling okay today but yesterday and the day before were very good days. I know it's a one day at a time thing for me and I am blessed to have had the ability to surround myself with people who not only uplift me but let me be. It is in going through challenges, like loosing a friend and my father in three months, that you realize what people around you are made of. Challenges like these show people's true characters and I have chosen well. After all I believe seeing how a person handles these kind of life on life terms situations is important.

I've been getting by not only because of my love for life and the mystery of existence but because on days when I don't feel one hundred percent me my friends are there. Lately I've been asking them all to take a picture with me and uploading it to facebook so it wouldn't give away what I was actually doing. ;-) A lot of my time these days is spent online listening to country music and other music but mostly country so I guess you could say I miss Texas and Country Strong reminded me of home. This got me thinking about the two homes I love. The one I have here which my friends have helped make feel like home and the one I was born into back in Texas. I am a part of both worlds and sometimes torn between them but recent events have shown me that I need them both.

I am being called back to Texas and while I have known I am going home to film my current project for a while recent circumstances keep showing me that everything is happening as it should and yet again leading me down the path that was specifically paved for me. HOME. Home is where the heart is and my heart is split between Austin and Los Angeles. Has been for a while now and thanks to what I do I can be a part of both of them. But what I am seeing clearly now is how everything that is happening in my life is actually happening in correlation with my film. Too many similarities to deny that life is imitating art. So of course it hits me. I am being prepared for one of the most challenging jobs of my life. Some people invest money in schools to learn how to act or as I see it feel. Well being that life has been quite challenging for me I can clearly see now that it is simply preparing me to be the best I can be at what I do. It is my teacher of my art. After all aren't we all on screen becoming someone who has LIVED what we are portraying? So all I am LIVING is simply preparation for my trip home to become Esperanza.

The journey through these current circumstances would not be possible without my friends. It simply wouldn't. They come over and listen to me. Take walks with me. Meet me at coffeehouses and make me laugh when it seems impossible to do so. Okay and make me work although Lisa and Randy don't really make me work. They allow me to be my type A self and make myself work as they know what it means to me these days. It is beyond beautiful to have awareness this time around. Last time I went through some pretty deep stuff I didn't have the awareness to understand what the school of life was helping me achieve which I came to see in time. Now I do. So everyday I get up see how I feel and go with the flow of the universe trusting that when the time is right we will all be headed back to my home to bring this beautiful dream I have been working on since July of 2009 to LIFE.

While it may appear like the world is trying to break me I know and most of all trust that is not the case at all. I don't have psychic abilities but I do have the awareness to see, even if it's not just with my eyes, that life is simply guiding me to where I belong, where I have always belonged, HOME. Austin I am a coming and what better way to have the road lead back home then for my passion. I will be in the city that gives me great peace and inspires me bringing my passion to life. That is a great gift I am grateful for even if the road there was not what I envisioned at all. I know that when I am ready, my expectations will be surpassed by my reality and for the patience to see that day come I am grateful. Most of all I am grateful for my friends who have walked me home by holding my hand in the most difficult of times. Can't wait to share in the light this darkness is giving way to with them! "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly."


Here they are in no particular order but simply living with me these past three weeks. "Friends are God's way of taking care of you." I am very taken care of!
With Eric (aka Smooth-E) at one of my favorite cafes in LA.

A brunch with Nicole turned into an impromptu party of four.

With Jake catching Eric's show and getting some dinner.

Jerry my dance teacher lets me dance and dance and dance slowly allowing my soul come back to life.

Slowly getting my mojo back. ;-)

With my Experimental Witch mom. She came over to just listen.

Enjoying the beautiful weekend in LA with Nicole.

Thanks to this coconut (Paul) Nicole, Hayley and I lounged by the pool.

These two people are my sunshine! Lisa and Lawrence. Hee hee. Michael to you. Wearing one of his designs for kicks on our way to an impromptu dinner.

Lots of coffeehouses have been visited these past few weeks. This is Pamela lending her ears to me.

Lastly a woman whose name could not be more fitting meeting me for coffee and lending her ears as well, Mary Queen ANGEL. ;-)

If you have just one friend like any of these you are truly blessed. The journey continues and for the ability to be here to walk on I am grateful.

A Change is gonna come.

These days are fairly simple for me and I make it through them because I am taking it one day at a time. Some days like today require me to take it one hour at a time. As Lisa and I drove into Malibu today I turned to her to ask her a question and I started to sob as all the memories came rushing back as we headed towards the place I had received the call at two weeks earlier. Two weeks have gone by and I am getting by. Some days are better than others but I have no doubt am I fumbling my way through them because of my friends.

Michael makes me laugh just by being Michael. Man can he talk and as I learned this week over dinner man can he listen. Randy and Lisa meet with me and allow me to work at a ridiculously slow pace, which is so not me, but by allowing me that they allow me to immerse myself in the distraction that work is for me these days. Mary Queen will get up at any random hour of any random day stop what she is doing and take a walk with me. These people are crucial in my survival these days. It's tempting, very tempting to fall into the arms of darkness when I think of all I have been through in the last year and a half and then I think about how blessed I am to be here and that darkness starts to appear less relevant and frightening and more of a reminder of what lies ahead. A reminder that the storm will give way to a rainbow as the only thing constant is change.

Two days ago I tried hard to conjure up the energy to work to no avail so I decided to listen to my body and lay on the couch. I watched I heart Huckabees and cried and laughed and as the end of the film came as I was left with gratitude. Watching it seven years after I had been in therapy and living an existential crisis made me realize that yes the only thing constant is change. I am so not the person I was then. This was how I felt last time around at twenty-seven.

You'd have to see the movie to understand the reference. To me now it's so funny but back then it was no laughing matter. Between her character and Jason Schwartzman's character I felt so understood. I cared so much about what others thought and my main goal in life was to please others. If you know me now you know how far from me that is these days. Back then I was discovering that I had a right to be me and not who I was expected to be. That meant finding a way to stay in the industry I love to be a part of without letting it tear me apart.

I found a way and it lead to this blog. It was a long journey and the way it impacted my life and changed me is astounding. I came to understand I had choices. Back then I didn't know I could say no to people. I didn't know I could set boundaries and I had no idea how powerful I was or that my voice had a right to be heard. Things I know now and things, which made watching this film a delight in the midst of the sadness. It was almost as if I needed to watch it so I could see that eventually I will make it to the other side of this pain even if it feels years away. I genuinely believe that everything happens for a reason and I can already see what this journey and processing it all is doing for me as far as preparing to portray Esperanza. It's a little eerie how much my life is imitating the film these days. I can see clearly what God is doing and where this is leading. It's scary in so many ways because it's going to challenge me to grow in many ways and go outside my comfort zone yet again. It is outside my comfort zone where I find the courage to be more than I know I can. It's there where God shows me what I am capable of.

For those days that it feels like too much I have the awareness to be able to see God communicate with me. I want to run from this pain. I've been trying to get out of town since the day that fateful call came and nothing has panned out. I couldn't even get myself to Sundance for my friend's film premiere. As the realization hit me that I can't run from this pain and that I have to make my way through it at a realistic pace the following song came on the radio. It was my first time hearing it and word for word I knew God was trying to get through to me and God did.

Look at those lyrics! If that is not God talking to me than I don't know what is. It will be alright again. Maybe not today but someday.

I have repeatedly asked God for faith, and I know because I have lived it, that when you ask for faith you aren't just given a big helping of it. Nope. You are given lessons, which will allow you to acquire it or loose it. The CHOICE is mine! I am learning once again that, "Faith is a process of leaping into the abyss not on the basis of any certainty about "where" we shall land, but rather on the belief that we "shall" land." Carter Heyward

I don't know exactly where all this is leading but I do trust that everything is happening as it should and if I resist it, it will persist. So as best as I can today and everyday I go with the flow of the guidance of God and the universe and the beat of my heart. Trusting that when the time is right the winds of change will smile upon me once more and I will have made my way through the journey, taken its lessons with me, and learned to live once more. The point as I have read before is to LIVE and the answers I seek now I know will not come now because the point is to live them and I can not live now what I am not ready for. I read somewhere that "Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.” I am once again becoming who I ought to be and the only way I can discover what lies within me is by surrendering to the journey. Emerson was quoted as having said, "What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within." I am finding that to be true once more. Change is the wind blowing me in the direction of my dreams and who I ought to be while living life on its terms. For the ability to allow myself to be carried, especially on days I can not stand, I am grateful. It's been a long time coming but I know a change is gonna come!

P.S. This blog is dedicated to Lisa, Michael, Randy, Mary Queen, Jake, and Paul R. who are my sunshine these days.

Surviving an existential crisis. A chapter in my book called Life.

I've been here before dealing with exactly everything I am dealing with these days. I don't know that accepting you won't see someone ever again gets easier but perhaps gratitude for everything you lived with them comes in abundance. Along with many other feelings. Last time I was surviving an existential crisis I was in therapy trying to decipher all I had lived and had made me the way I was. I remember sitting across from my therapist asking her "what am I really here to do in this lifetime?" A question that haunted me for a very long time since at the time nothing in my career seemed to be going my way. I wanted answers and I was in a lot of pain as life began to show me it was in control and I began to accept it. In the span of two years and in the midst of my first ever existential crisis my grandfather, first therapist, and first agent passed. I remember feeling like I couldn't live anymore and would never get past those feelings. In that lies the answer to surviving my current existential crisis. Those feelings did come to pass and when the time was right I got up, got out of bed and lived again with the same passion I once had before.

The one thing I have now that I didn't have back then when I was twenty-seven is awareness. Awareness that I can choose to not be a victim of my circumstance and to enjoy the ride while also allowing myself to feel everything I am feeling. With my father's passing it has been quite different than Neil's and to be honest it's timing did suck. I was just getting over the hump and accepting Neil's non-existence in human form when I got the call about my father. While I was extremely sad as well I had a very different reaction since like I said before, I truly believe my dad is finally at peace. A peace living could not afford him. With Neil, well he loved living and was so good at it that his passing was very sad and frightening. All of us left behind to grieve can do one of two things, we can shut down and pretend everything is okay, which I am witnessing some people do, or we can make our way out of it. If life has taught me anything it is that the only way out of something is by going through it or as I like to say GROWING through it. ;-)

These constant reminders that I am on borrowed time and that I truly have no idea what today will bring make me LIVE. I choose happiness in spite of all I am growing through right now because I realize one day I won't have choices. I choose to give today my all even when it's not the my all I am used to because again one day I won't get to give my all. My crisis this time has a different feel to it. A sense of peace comes with it because there's so much more acceptance. Seven years have passed since my last one and I have grown into such a different person. Don't get me wrong I am still human and I still fear ceasing to exist before I feel I have LIVED all I want to but I know that I have no control over that and all I truly have control over is what I do today to live my way into my dreams. Acceptance of what is not what I wish was plays a big part in feeling peace. When fear creeps in trying to make me feel terrified at the thought of being gone sooner than I'd like I can hear myself going, "I have no control over that". Something I know I was barely learning last time around.

I speak openly of this because I can only imagine what all of Neil's friends were feeling when he passed. All like him young with precious families all of sudden thrust into a fear that like him they could leave sooner than they ever dreamt. I think that is what makes people not know what to say to you when you loose someone dear. I don't think it's not only not knowing what to say but you have also brought them a reminder that something we all feel can not or will not happen to us will. Yet all I see, even as people tell me I have bad luck or poor Adriana so much is happening to her etc., is life happening on it's terms and God reminding me I am right in following my heart.

It simply is a reminder that life is too short to do anything other than what your heart asks of you even if that means, for me at least, enduring this current detour that has lead me on a road I did not envision at all. This was not how I envisioned 2011 kicking off. However if I allow my awareness to be present than I can recall how I also did not envision 2008 to be kicked off by being dumped for being who I am two days before Valentine's only to find that the detour and the road it led me on had me within three months shooting a film on my favorite author's work, and within another three I won an international film competition for that film and three months after that I met the author of the novel. So within nine months of a rocky start to a year and having life give me a detour, as this man had told me the week before he loved me and could see himself starting a family with me, my awareness allowed me to be grateful for being able to take the road less traveled.

That is all I see happening again. It has been said that "Rejection is God's protection" and I solely believe that because I have lived it. If it is in my best interest to succeed with my morals and principals intact than along the way I will be detouring a lot as life will take care of showing me people for who they really are as it did last week. Timing again perhaps didn't seem like the best and that is why people find themselves uttering the words poor Adriana look at all she is going through. All I can say to that is don't poor me. I am living in spite of all of that and as I see it because of all that. If I didn't have these "challenges" sent my way and I was just doing anything to get by instead of living my way into my dream and the answers, than yeah poor Adriana life is going to pass her by she is going to wake up and realize she didn't follow her heart but if you know me you know that is far from the truth. So please don't feel bad for me. Send me love but don't pity me. I am living as best as I can taking it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. ;-) Like Jen Marie tells me, "you have lived more already than some people do in a lifetime."

Stick around, watch me muddle my way through this existential crisis and perhaps stumble more than I care too but have no doubt I was born to stand. I was born to stand for all my heart longs to know and I won't stop until I am asked to. That is all that is happening right now. A not so gentle reminder to continue on even if the people traveling the road with me are a lot less than when I began. I trust that I have lots of living yet to do and I trust that timing while it may seem off to me is probably fine tuning itself to allow me to arrive into the what next not a minute too soon or a minute to late. Just on time, God's time, because as I believe if we arrive too early by our own will forcing things to happen when we want on our terms, that is when we suffer, for organic will doesn't happen without the help of a universal conspiracy and a lot of hard work on my end. In my book at least since I co-write the chapters. ;-)

Until that moment comes on its own I encourage you to fall apart, surround yourself with people who can just hold you while you sob, make you smile when you don't think you can, laugh when it feels wrong to- laugh through the guilt, listen to you and before you know it one day like that fateful day for me in the fall of 05' after a summer in bed morning the loss of my grandfather, you will wake with a genuine love for life again. You will see the sun in all its glory, you will love again, you will move beyond fear into the what next trusting that the time has come to live again.

I write this inspired to but most of all hoping that you, whoever you may be, is meant to stumble upon this will come to see that while we may feel alone as we survive an existential crisis we are together in that feeling too which means you can't be alone after all. ;-) Perhaps I write this to remind myself where I have been and how far I've come and that it is okay to be where I am today. Most of all I believe life is telling me that while so much appears to the eye to be heading down a road leading nowhere I know better. I know I am not traveling towards a dead end. I am going to meet my destiny, so the road on the way there won't have many travelers as it's a road being paved just for me with detours that have seen many decide to take a different road. For that I am grateful because as I've said before I don't mind people not believing in my dream or my beliefs but under no circumstance will I tolerate anyone standing in the way of them. And that is all I believe life to be showing me through all I am living lately, it's too short to stop now. I've come too far and when I let go, truly let go and allow myself to be led I will go exactly where I am meant to make the most of my existence and learn from the teachers life is sending on this journey and perhaps be a teacher to. I will survive this existence in question and find great comfort in the proof that I am not alone as David O' Russell film based on his own existential crisis proves. To existence and all the beauty its mystery provides. I've got falling apart and most of all LIVING to do while allowing the chapters of this book called life to be written into existence. ;-)

Summoning the courage to move forward.

As I type this I am staring at my passport and airline ticket, which are sitting on my desk. Monday Lisa was here and we were working to get everything together for today's meeting so I could leave it with her and board a flight to Mexico via Texas the following day. By that evening my dad's service had been postponed. His oldest daughter notified me that she needed to finish taking care of some business he left unattended and then would figure out what to do. This was to be the second ceremony for the entire family as the first one had been done very quickly and not everyone was notified. It was done that way because sadly he was found two days later and had to be cremated. What I am grateful for is that he died in his bed. Probably went to sleep and never woke up again. Something I wish for all of us.

I've always been an emotional person guided by my heart and while I have been told on several occasions these emotions are too much or best left for use in my acting all I keep thinking is that they show me I am alive. Thank God for that. I've been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions in the past week to say the least. One moment I laugh and the next I can't move from the couch and my tears turn into a slumber that calms the pain. Processing the death of my father has been so different than Neil's because with the sadness also came this great comfort and peace trusting that he was finally at peace. I try not to but it's hard not to imagine his final days or inner dialogue during his times alone. He lived in an apartment by himself and continued to work even though he had managed to have three wives and twelve kids. I want to believe that he believed that no matter what heaven, God's arms, here in a different way, or wherever we go held a place for him. Some people seem to believe he may not have gotten into heaven and all I can say to that is God has an ability to forgive that is far more grand than we know and we are barely learning to do so here.

It has been suggested to me that I am taking this too hard for a man I barely knew and in that lies the answer. The sadness stems from living a life knowing he existed but life kept us apart. It wasn't like he died while I was young. He was here all my life and for twenty-seven of my thirty-four I never saw him. I believe that entitles me to be sad and as the reality of no possible face to face re-encounter hits me I faced even more sadness. I kept going back and forth with my travel plans. Michael, Lisa and Randy kept telling me to follow my heart and for one of the few times in my life it was hard to listen to it as it was silenced by all the sounds of sadness and fear. Southwest Airlines granting me a free must fly on any flight at any time ticket to help me get to Mexico fast was a sign I should go and just as I was finally prepared mentally and physically to do so the universe changed my direction.

The closure I imagined I would get from meeting my siblings and picking up a photo album of us that was found in his apartment would be postponed. As usual I trusted that yet again God knew why things needed to unfold this way even if I didn't. In mourning my dad's physical existence I've pushed people aside (so I've been told), unloaded my emotional instability on others, and plain and simply been a mess. I do not apologize for where I have been this past week but if I hurt anyone please know it was unintentional. I am in the midst of grasping a lot while a lot continues to be expected of me from my work and others. I've learned that for everyone whose tried to correct my process of mourning in the last week I have ten people listening, letting me cry and who are able and willing to be present with me in the midst of this beautiful mess. Armando was kind enough to let me sob uncontrobally and by the end of the phone conversation we were laughing. He understands my pain as he shared a similar loss in the past year. He told me he admired my ability to laugh through the pain and his words helped relief some of my guilt.

While the possibility of not seeing my father again is flat out sad I am grateful for that fated day in July of 2008 where we crossed paths again via our phone conversation. I am beyond grateful he was able to take that with him. Thinking that he saw all I had been up to via my website makes it bittersweet but more sweet because as he told me I made him proud. My sister Ivonne told me that for all the mistakes he made I was one of his greatest accomplishements. Sweet words that gave me great hope that perhaps he may have thought the same and made me cry like a baby.

What I am left with today is the present and the constant reminder of what a gift it is! So after receiving work news yesterday that I did not want to hear and going to bed terribly sad I woke up with the sun shining genuinely in my heart for the first time in the last week. This prompted me to summon the courage to move forward. A sense of hope was beginning to replace the overwhelming sadness. As I woke and laid in bed I told myself I had to get back out on my hike and reminded myself it was okay to move slow so I did just that. I got to my hike at 10 or so and took over an hour doing it. I usually get there at 6am and finish in an hour. I stood at my favorite corner overlooking Los Angeles and conversed with a God of my understanding. All that could come out of my mouth was "God I need you, God I need you, God I need you and I know you are here now". I felt its presence like I was always do as the winds picked up speed and in a way only I could understand.

Papa I am moving on but don't be afraid you are now with me in a way you weren't able to be before so we are moving on together. You, my mom's dad, Neil, Janet (my first therapist), and Paula (my first agent) are now my guardian angels who along with God allowed me today to summon the courage to move on and continue to trust in God and the universe and their divine plan, far more magical than I can comprehend, for me and my life. I know that any miracles and magic that take place now all of you have a part in. As I am sure you see I am in need of a miracle right now.


Regardless of what anyone chooses to believe I know God, the one I choose to believe in, has a capacity for forgiveness we humans are learning to achieve as part of our lessons here. I know you are safe dad. I just do. I know you will understand that I have a life to live and would encourage me to face it everyday with all the hope, faith, courage and strength that I can. So I am doing just that. Today's calendar of the day quote was "Everyday brings a chance to start over" and I took that and the stunning butterfly on my hike as signs that you understand my need to move forward and LIVE. Perhaps even encourage me to continue to make you proud. As you may now know I am in the midst of some major storms. Just when I can see clearly where I am headed life changes my route and I suffer some heavy losses in that change of direction. Regardless I move forward with a deep understanding that there are no guarantees, that I have a calling I must tend to and that God is not only guiding me but carrying me when I can't walk anymore. It's my belief that something magical and unknown far beyond my comprehension helps me trust that I am now and will always be taken care of. That Ewa hears me. ;-)


Dad, life didn't allow you to witness it but I turned out just like that AMAZING one time wife of yours and mother of mine who raised seven kids alone, a fighter. So in case you are, don't worry about me. I know when to rest and when to stand again and when I am not listening to myself life sends someone to remind me of the importance of knowing when to fight and when to rest my sword. ;-) For the record God I don't believe you turn us on eachother. I believe that when we forget to listen to our hearts and choose to listen to fear and ego we get in trouble. Regardless I will stand for what I believe in! After all the only thing to fear is fear itself and you and I both know I face that beast everyday and I'm still standing. I've met the craken and it's not as scary when you stand in your faith and by your convictions. It actually becomes scared of you. ;-)


I am in for quite the year and lots of great things are coming my way. One thing you should know about me is that when life sends more than enough adversity my way I take it as a sign that the diamond is almost ready. I've witnessed that my ability to endure the darkness is what leads me through the madness into the graceful gift God has prepared for me. Hopefully you'll be able to see it too and maybe someday understand why when people try to impose their fears on me I simply reply "it will all work out". Maybe not how you envisioned but if you let go and surrender to the flow of the universe you may find that the destination you were guided to was far better than the one you were trying to get yourself too. And maybe just maybe you'll see that there are more than just your way of doing things. May the cracks that darkness in your life cause on your soul give way to your light. In 2011 I know my destination will exceed my expectation. So bring on the rain because I look forward to dancing my way through the storm until the rainbow appears.