A conversation this past weekend left me pondering how much our choices affect our life. I have heard repeatedly in my lifetime that everything comes at a cost and nothing is for free. As I heard it yet again this weekend I realized I have made a conscious decision to be part of an industry in a city whose main focus is selling illusions so I had to decide early on how I would navigate those waters. I decided that no matter what I would never make a decision that went against my true self so therefore yes I have paid a price. My dignity and self worth don't have a for sale price so the price I have paid is having things take a little longer to come to fruition. That is what I mean when I say have consciously taken the Long Way Around.
While at times it can be frustrating since I am stubborn and sometimes want things to happen right away I've come to realize the Long Way Around does indeed have a much more beautiful scenery. Perhaps it's because it's the road less traveled. Recently I read the following, "We live in a society of instant gratification; instant coffee, instant breakfast, instant money from our local ready bank machine. It's everywhere we look. When we stop expecting INSTANT relief we come to believe that today is exactly where we are meant to be". In that lies the key for me these days. Trusting that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I feel like the roulette is constantly spinning and I am patiently awaiting for the ball to land on God. Where I have CHOSEN to place all my bets. ;-) I consider my leaps of faith in my work like playing roulette and waiting for God to come through when the time is right. Some days like today I get news I'd rather not but my immediate thought is that door closed can't wait to see which one opens.
Yes I could have "made life easier" for myself but in reality all I've been offered has had quite the price tag on it and it includes my self worth, self respect and dignity so I've chosen to continue to play roulette on my terms. I just can't follow and I can't live a life that goes against what I believe in no matter what instant result is promised in exchange. Living this way has taught me to find comfort in the discomfort of not knowing when the roulette will stop spinning and produce the results I want. I have so much pending in the next few months but I've been here before and I've found that for every ten no's there is one extraordinary beyond belief YES. I am banking on that YES once again. I have a pretty good idea of where it is coming from and it really blows me away. In time you'll know what I already know, once it becomes a reality. ;-)
For now as I have told the few who know exactly all that is going on in my life, I choose to move forward. Sitting in a corner pondering why somethings go my way and some don't paralyzed by fear is not how I choose to live. I may make it sound simple but it's not. It's just a choice that has become easier with time simply because I choose to trust in my beautiful mess, its lessons, and my compass aka God. Some days bring great results and some bring great disappointments but at the end of the day I see a BEAUTIFUL mess. Why? Well because life is messy and yet beautiful. My reality is I choose to see the beauty in uncertainty and feel comfort in discomfort because it comes with LIVING life.
I've had some great conversations these past few days with my family who are visiting and they made me realize how truly blessed I am to have their listening ears which allowed me to see how much I have lived in the past fourteen years since I left El Paso. I have known love, almost married too young, was betrayed became his friend again and by leaving the past in the past I learned to love again trusting that I will no longer choose men who don't believe in monogamy but not judge them. I've fallen in and out of love with my work finally witnessing my career, love life, and family life come full circle. The unknown has lead me back to my true self and what it is that I really deserve and I will make a conscious decision to continue to choose it. It's not easy. It really isn't. I don't say it to discourage you. I say it simply because we are in a society where instant gratification has become the expectation and when it is not achieved it is assumed that something is wrong or that not now means not ever. I lived enough to know not now means wait a little, grow through the lessons and you'll receive something better than the satisfaction of instant gratification you thought you wanted.
Time. It all lies in time. I am grateful for where time has lead me! On October 20,2010 it will be time to move beyond April 20,2010 and I don't think it's coincidence that it landed a year to the day since my last project premiered in Rome. I'd like to believe in chance but synchronicity has taught me about seeing things in a whole new way where I choose to believe I am being guided by signs, which some interpret as coincidence. I wish I believed in coincidence too but I just don't. ;-) Like I've said I don't wish the beautiful mess that April 20th was for me on anyone but that my friends was the price I chose to pay by not putting a price tag on my self worth, self respect and dignity. The most important lesson that came from it all is if I had to do over I would do it all just the same!
With it time brings perfect timing and the ability to see that things happen for a reason, are in your best interest and can produce a life beyond your expectations as long as you can have the patience to find comfort in the discomfort of instability and uncertainty and navigate the waters of the unknown consciously. I wish you a lifetime full of patience with yourself so you can LIVE what life has in store for you. We all have dark times in our lives but if we stay in them and work our way of out of the dark, light will bring with it the life you are intended to live. Activist Corrie ten Boom put it best, "When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer".
May your journey give you the ability to see that happiness comes from trusting and knowing that you too deserve what is there for all of us in abundance in due time! ;-) May your beautiful mess give you what mine has given me LOVE for the work I do, LOVE in my home life and LOVE within me, GRATITUDE for you, my family, my friends and everyone I encounter. “Life is all about timing. The unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable, attainable. Have the patience, wait it out. It's all about timing.” While you wait it out I hope your hours are spent creating the life you dream for yourself!
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