the art of being: From the darkness into the light.

This past week has truly been quite surreal. I keep thinking I am going to wake up and the bad dream will be over. Millie will have her dad back and Liz will have her bestfriend back. My reality is not that and so every night I have struggled to sleep and have fallen into a dark place. The great thing for me is that wherever I go God is with me so from the darkness I will eventually make my way back into the light. I am not afraid of getting sad and angry because I know it is all part of coming to terms with not being able to see someone again in human form. However if there is one thing life has taught me it's that when someone passes and goes home we may not be able to see them again but they're still here. I'm of the belief that while we may not understand eachother's beliefs we should respect them. I know a lot of people have reasons to not believe in organized religion and to be honest organized anything including spirituality can be too much. By organized I mean anyplace that makes you feel like you have to have certain beliefs as opposed to a place that just lets you express what you believe based on how you view your journey. I feel like if something isn't organic to you than you shouldn't have that be your belief. If your belief is that there is nothing guiding us or no God I respect that too.

I believe what I do because it comes naturally to me. It is who I am and while I am certain that God is with all of us during this difficult time I also feel that is it very unfair and just doesn't seem right. I'm not angry at anyone or anything because I know that one of the biggest mysteries of life is our existence and mortality. No one has the answer to it and that's what makes life magical yet sometimes difficult. We take for granted what a gift existence is until someone has their life come to an abrupt end as Neil's did. All of a sudden our perspective is shifted and we get that every moment of everyday is a precious gift never guaranteed. Sadly sometimes that knowing disappears. I've been living with this understanding since I saw five friends/relatives go home within the span of two years a while back. I'm not perfect at anything so sometimes I too forget how precious each day is but for the most part I get that I am living in a magical kingdom called Mother Nature/Planet Earth which abides by rules sometimes hard to comprehend. In this case very hard but in time I'll come to terms with this. I may never fully grasp it or understand why such a beautiful soul lived such a short life but in time I know what I will focus more on is having gratitude for having known such a man. For now all I can do is continue my friendship with Neil the only way I know how.

I've been talking to him a lot these days and while his humor would lead me to believe that he'd be saying "A, give me a rest" I've actually heard repeatedly, especially when I get my bouts of crying, "Hey A, I'm okay". I choose to believe he is and he is watching over all of us who are tremendously saddened and shocked by his abrupt passing. Last night for the first time in the past week I began to realize it was not a dream and while I am no longer able to call him, text him or see him I am certain he had a hand in what Los Angeles witnessed last night.

In my last blog I mentioned in the end that I knew wherever he was I was certain he was making the scenery look stunning and that I trusted that God needed his help so he could only call on the best. Yesterday was a week exactly since he passed and I think that is why it no longer felt like a dream although the reality still felt very surreal. So it is without a doubt for me, and no one is asked to share my belief, that what I witnessed on September 29, 2010 over the Los Angeles skies was definitely Neil's work of art. He was indeed making the scenery look stunning wherever he was and because of what I saw my belief that we all remain here in spirit was confirmed last night when I looked up at the sky.

I love to photograph nature and I feel very at peace when I am with nature. So as I got ready to take my evening walk I witnessed one the most amazing unique works of art over the Los Angeles skies I have ever seen and it was then that I knew. He was letting us all know he was still doing his thing and very present. I am grateful for what my eyes saw last night! It was a very metaphorical walk that led me from the light into the darkness back into the light topped off with a rainbow. The best way to describe it is magical! That is all I can say and I hope you too are able to see the beauty in the unknown and the magic in everyday life. Thank you Neil for continuing to share your talent with us. It was truly breathtaking as your work always is.

This is how my evening began and the transitions you are about see all happened in the course of a half hour or so.