The sounds of my healing.

This past week I previewed the documentary with a few people. My friend Jennifer sent me such a beautiful raw email it compelled me to tell her all about the music that got me through the growth. I am no stranger to the ways in which God communicates with me. A timely song, a movie, the words of friend, and a perfect hike are all ways in which I can clearly hear someone I can't see communicate with me. So in 2011 when it all started to shift the moment I heard this song tears filled my eyes as I could see how God was asking me to do something we all do without a second thought. However now I would be required to work on it. To truly breathe so I could get through this. So I did just that and before I knew someone sang a song at a friend's brunch and there was God, my dad, Neil, grandpa and all my angels saying we got you. We will rescue you when you feel you need it and it's okay to feel like you need to be rescued. More than anything I felt God was telling me to let go of my superwoman complex. That everyone needs to be rescued once in a while. So I let go and allowed myself to be rescued in the words of a friend. With the seasons changing came the strength I thought I would never acquire again. It gave me the ability to pack up my place, put in storage and go home for Christmas and when I went back to Los Angeles I pounded the streets of Los Feliz with the song blaring in my ears as I took walks building up strength for what was coming. I had finally started to grow stronger. This strength that took me through four months of uncertainity in Los Angeles redirected me Austin and with it I made a drive across the states back to the place that had given me one of the greatest gifts, my art. Here I began to do what I had not been able to since Neil transitioned. I started to run again and loose myself in the beauty of town lake and I could clearly hear God telling me that I was indeed once again a strong fighter. As I struggled to keep up the good fight and not become a victim of the current circumstances and people's lack of self love being projected onto me I had to go somewhere I am not comfortable going. I had to get angry. The good kind of angry. The angry that allowed me to see that my chosen father was right with a boot pressed up against my neck I would not be able to do all of the above. That if 2011 had not made me a victim of circumstance than there was no way I would let the words of fear embodied by those I love and thrown my way on a daily basis to get the best part of me. They where not going to break my soul with their sticks and stones in form the form of fear. Knowing this led me to cross path with a man who did what no one had during this shift I and many people have been living in different forms. He looked me in the eye without an ounce of poor you and told me that I had allowed myself to become I victim and that with him I was there to push past the pain. He cuts me no slack and if he feels sorry for me doesn't show it. I needed that. The only way I could get to this place today and not be destroyed was by breathing, being rescued, growing stronger, keeping up the fight, and being ready to fight back and not let anyone or anything take the best part of me, my soul. Music is amazing! No words can truly capture my gratitude for how it always gently guides me into the light. This caterpillar will emerge on God's time when the season is right. In my heart I know the current man in my life is the final piece of the puzzle not so gently but necessarily guiding me back to myself and into the what next. I needed to be here just as I am to be able to understand and accept the crossing of my path with his. A minute to soon and I may have given up. I can clearly see how all my yesterdays where guiding me into today. May you find the meaning in your journey and the ability to...

As I prepare to rise...

I see clearly what is happening. I see how God is working, its magic, as usual, so that I can come out on the other side becoming more than I thought I could be. I kept hearing that I needed to sign up for something. There was a part of my life that had been unattended but I attributed to not having time, funds or whatever excuse I told myself to not face the fear of how weak this may prove me to be if I stepped into it. What has come up a lot and you will see in the documentary is, balance. I believe I strive to strike a balance between my spiritual side and my human being side. Sometimes as I have learned the balance gets thrown off and it takes the clear signs from God and the universe to show me that I need to even the scales to get me to the place I need to in order to work through whatever needs balance restored. This time it took some unexpected experiences and some inspiration from the most unlikely of places to focus on striking a balance. You may not picture me as a girl who would not only fall in love with Snow White and the Huntsmen but be also be inspired by it but I am. Any story that includes the light being born of the darkness is definitely for me. Not matter how long you try and hide the light up in a tower it will prevail. Or in a cell.So add the recent Batman to my inspiration. Elizabeth the Golden Age and even Katy Perry's documentary are also sources of inspiration to approach the beautifield of life after all I have been through. I never knew how powerful those words were till recently. It was in watching the leaves fall at zilker botanical gardens that I realized just how much re-telling the story had affected certain parts of my life. It became apparent how much I struggled to let go of 2011 and it wasn't till I crossed paths with a particular man that I realized I'd made myself a victim of it. Not in all ways of course as my documentary will showcase but in this particular way, which I will some day reveal and which he forms a part of. When he looked me in the eyes and said "okay so you let your _____ become a victim of it. Time to move on and push through the fears", I knew exactly what God was doing. I had felt a gut instinct recently that the rise is nearing and the signs confirmed it. Something that may only make sense to me but logically as we know by law of gravity what goes down must come up. What I know goes beyond logic. It was in watching a rough cut of my doc that I saw so clearly what I could not process as well when I lived it as I can now. The darkness as I call it, had shown up repeatedly to test me as I already knew. That is why each time no matter how defeated I may have felt or allowed my spirit to feel I got up. What I wasn't making then is a connection I can clearly see now. In order to be ready to move forward I must be ready and do what is asked of me. This time I must connect mind, body and spirit. One of which had been left out for quite a while. If I want to take flight as high as I am being asked to I must train. I can't just expect to get up and take such altitudes without preparation. So when he yells at me "Don't stop Adriana. I don't care if you have to pace yourself but don't ever stop." I can clearly connect it all. I also know that if I stopped and fell he'd be the first to catch me, which is why I secretly smile when he says, "Good I expected you to puke. Puke on them and move on. Don't stop. You are here to push past the pain. You are not a victim." I smile because I clearly see the light and hear God. So from fear I am rising. I am growing in a new direction while a connection is being made. I am rising from all I have lost to all I am have been and will continue to gain due to the loss and space created. As I ask myself "who I am living for/", I know the answer is you, me and the human spirit. Now I get that my body nor my mind will keep me from being ready for the flight. As my chosen father reminds me, retreat mija yes but only to come back stronger, and so the preparation continues.

Breaking the pattern. Let it begin with me.

Nietzsche was quoted as having said "Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one." I am very aware that I am neither a saint nor perfect, which is why I too can become a monster if I choose ego over love. My ability to stand firmly in my belief that love is the answer has been severely tested in the past few months and yet love prevailed. I grew up with verbal abuse but I was too used to it to know how to stop being the target. In my teenage years being told I was ugly was such a part of my life it became normal and ultimately my truth. I was too young to understand that people project their self talk onto others and that I shouldn't take it personal. Flash forward to today and I have the tools to break the pattern. Tools that for two months straight I chose to keep in their box. I kept telling myself that they needed me and that their attacks on my looks and character weren't personal. However the day I looked in the mirror and called myself ugly I knew I could no longer pretend their verbal abuse was water off a duck's back. What I had at thirty-five that I didn't as a child was awareness. I also have a recovery program called Al Anon and an amazing support group that understands and can genuinely identify with what I am growing through. I had made a decision to not reach out but the moment had finally come. I had to take my ten years of Al Anon and four of therapy and apply them. If I chose to stay silent I would be the only one who would pay the price. You see when someone is in denial that they have a disease they are also in denial that their way of communicating is negative and verbal abuse. I understand I can not make anyone see something from my perspective but I also know I can't stand in the crossfire and wonder how I got hit. The time had come to break the pattern and to let it begin with me. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I stood up to my bully. I want nothing more than to get along but not at the expense of my well being. Even if it breaks my heart. Yet I knew I had to be strong or they would all over again take the best part of me as I was slowly allowing them too. It's not the first and maybe not the last time someone won't accept me just as I am but I love me just as I am. As hard as I tried to not be affected by the attacks on my character calling me a looser/mooch and told to f off, it saddened me. What truly saddened wasn't the name calling but that having the ability to go there means not only that they are caught up in their disease but that they have allowed the darkness to embody them. My program has taught me that all I can do is trust that my higher power, God, is taking care of them too. I trust so much I have made a painful yet necessary decision to not speak to them till they are sober. Breaking a behavioral pattern of any kind requires faith and courage and I summoned it. This doesn't mean I don't love them. On the contrary. I don't like their actions but I love them enough to know making this decision will help them more in the long run than me standing as a willing target in the crossfire of verbal abuse. In the end I thank them because when my self love was put to the test I ended passing, even if it took longer than I hoped. There's something I have to say to you darkness. It breaks my heart that they allow you to embody them but you should know, you never win. In the end the light prevails! I love me and you can't change that no matter how hard you try. I love you for making me the woman I am today. Without I wouldn't know the value of the light. I'm lovely! Just as I am. To my chosen father thank you for reminding me that I can't breathe with a boot positioned on my neck. To my chosen brother thank you for being there the day the storm hit and to my sponsor thank you for always listening. To all of you thank you for seeing me so BEAUTIFULLY!

Finding forgiveness in being a woman of faith.

There are plenty of situations in life which test my faith and which have pushed me to the edge. At the edge when I fall I always fall into the arms of God. I wish I could give you a logical explanation like I grew up in Catholic School. I actually went for a year and got kicked out of Father Yermo for standing up to my bully. I wish I could tell you I read the bible and that is where my faith and relationship with God comes from. Truth is I tried to read it when my mom gifted me the new testament in my late teens but I felt it had too much finger pointing towards the female so I never finished it. My truth is life, its challenges and beauty have crafted the relationship I have with a God of my understanding and consequently my faith. Last week someone was upset with me and I with them. In our discussion they told me I wasn't Catholic enough and that this country had ruined me with its support of independent women. Sometimes, like this one, I hear things that hold no logic in my world words abandon me. I truly didn't know what to say. I don't believe in my heart that reading the bible often or going to church makes someone a good person. Sure it can help but for me the bottom line lies in my God instinct aka my gut. If I want to sleep peacefully at night I must always, no matter what, try as best as I can to follow its guidance. I'm not attempting perfection but I am attempting to live a life under the principle of do unto others as you would want done to you. I was gifted a family full of teachers who constantly put me to the test. I can see so clearly why I stand where I do today. Pun intended. ;-) If I don't stand for something I run the danger of falling for anything. I have also been gifted an extraordinary life full of challenges that birth miracles. I can remember as if it was yesterday being in my room crying over the fact that two of my commercials would not air, punching my pillow in anger while questioning God's will. In my whaling I recall saying "how much more can I give? I've given you all." Since 2006 those words have not come out of my mouth. Sure I haven't loved every lesson but I've stayed present enough to see their gifts and the greatest one has been my faith. Within six months of uttering those words I was nominated for the award I went on to win for The Art of Being. A production which finally saw the light after two years of contemplation because of the unaired commercials and my frustration catapulting me to go for it. As I began to reflect on all that led me there in 2006 my awareness kicked in. The signs did in fact connect and ultimately wove a pattern so beautiful, magical and beyond human comprehension that for me it had to be God. As I reflected on my past I saw clearly how faithful I'd always been and now I was aware of it. I'd wake up and go about my day never knowing I'd make it through but always having faith I would. Since there are no guarantees I exercise faith everyday, whether I am aware or not. That combined with my awareness of what God and the universe are constantly conjuring up to continue weaving an amazing life for me (and you) is what has made me such a faithFULL person. I just couldn't have imagined that one day I'd have to find forgiveness in being a woman of faith. It has been brought to my attention that my faith is scary. Considering I'm the only one whose a recovering perfectionist people often take my inventory and point out their view of my flaws. I keep reminding myself to check the source because after all people see the world as they are not as it is. I'm not waiting for one of my favorite men and my brother commonly known as the son of God, Jesus, to come and physically guide me into the what next. But I sure as heck am counting on him, our father, the saints and this scientifically magical powerful universe to conjure up something extraordinary out of all my loss and I won't sell my self unworthy till that moment comes so I guess that is what is viewed as scary. Still having faith that all that unfolded in 2011 and led to this beautiful present could still be a miracle in progress. Perhaps it's best suited that I face reality and by that I am well aware that they mean their reality. I can't face something I don't see therefore God, Jesus, Saints, and universe oh and the angels too I ask your forgiveness for having so much faith in you also known as the unseen. When it comes to this matter I'm going to not only have to side with Emerson and his belief that everything he had seen had taught him to trust the creator for everything he had not seen but with my life experience. Nothing in my book of life, which I am co-writing is in vain. If I desire to wait patiently till the present is ready to reveal its gift I know all of you magical unseen forces are going to leave me, and everyone, with our jaws wide open at your magic. Magic that could only be brewed by you. I stand by you because I know you stand by me! This I believe! I know you know but just to be clear I am aware that I am already living the what next and that every moment is precious. I AM GRATEFUL to be a woman of faith! Ready for take off when you are. Love! Your faithFULL daughter, Adri