Finding forgiveness in being a woman of faith.

There are plenty of situations in life which test my faith and which have pushed me to the edge. At the edge when I fall I always fall into the arms of God. I wish I could give you a logical explanation like I grew up in Catholic School. I actually went for a year and got kicked out of Father Yermo for standing up to my bully. I wish I could tell you I read the bible and that is where my faith and relationship with God comes from. Truth is I tried to read it when my mom gifted me the new testament in my late teens but I felt it had too much finger pointing towards the female so I never finished it. My truth is life, its challenges and beauty have crafted the relationship I have with a God of my understanding and consequently my faith. Last week someone was upset with me and I with them. In our discussion they told me I wasn't Catholic enough and that this country had ruined me with its support of independent women. Sometimes, like this one, I hear things that hold no logic in my world words abandon me. I truly didn't know what to say. I don't believe in my heart that reading the bible often or going to church makes someone a good person. Sure it can help but for me the bottom line lies in my God instinct aka my gut. If I want to sleep peacefully at night I must always, no matter what, try as best as I can to follow its guidance. I'm not attempting perfection but I am attempting to live a life under the principle of do unto others as you would want done to you. I was gifted a family full of teachers who constantly put me to the test. I can see so clearly why I stand where I do today. Pun intended. ;-) If I don't stand for something I run the danger of falling for anything. I have also been gifted an extraordinary life full of challenges that birth miracles. I can remember as if it was yesterday being in my room crying over the fact that two of my commercials would not air, punching my pillow in anger while questioning God's will. In my whaling I recall saying "how much more can I give? I've given you all." Since 2006 those words have not come out of my mouth. Sure I haven't loved every lesson but I've stayed present enough to see their gifts and the greatest one has been my faith. Within six months of uttering those words I was nominated for the award I went on to win for The Art of Being. A production which finally saw the light after two years of contemplation because of the unaired commercials and my frustration catapulting me to go for it. As I began to reflect on all that led me there in 2006 my awareness kicked in. The signs did in fact connect and ultimately wove a pattern so beautiful, magical and beyond human comprehension that for me it had to be God. As I reflected on my past I saw clearly how faithful I'd always been and now I was aware of it. I'd wake up and go about my day never knowing I'd make it through but always having faith I would. Since there are no guarantees I exercise faith everyday, whether I am aware or not. That combined with my awareness of what God and the universe are constantly conjuring up to continue weaving an amazing life for me (and you) is what has made me such a faithFULL person. I just couldn't have imagined that one day I'd have to find forgiveness in being a woman of faith. It has been brought to my attention that my faith is scary. Considering I'm the only one whose a recovering perfectionist people often take my inventory and point out their view of my flaws. I keep reminding myself to check the source because after all people see the world as they are not as it is. I'm not waiting for one of my favorite men and my brother commonly known as the son of God, Jesus, to come and physically guide me into the what next. But I sure as heck am counting on him, our father, the saints and this scientifically magical powerful universe to conjure up something extraordinary out of all my loss and I won't sell my self unworthy till that moment comes so I guess that is what is viewed as scary. Still having faith that all that unfolded in 2011 and led to this beautiful present could still be a miracle in progress. Perhaps it's best suited that I face reality and by that I am well aware that they mean their reality. I can't face something I don't see therefore God, Jesus, Saints, and universe oh and the angels too I ask your forgiveness for having so much faith in you also known as the unseen. When it comes to this matter I'm going to not only have to side with Emerson and his belief that everything he had seen had taught him to trust the creator for everything he had not seen but with my life experience. Nothing in my book of life, which I am co-writing is in vain. If I desire to wait patiently till the present is ready to reveal its gift I know all of you magical unseen forces are going to leave me, and everyone, with our jaws wide open at your magic. Magic that could only be brewed by you. I stand by you because I know you stand by me! This I believe! I know you know but just to be clear I am aware that I am already living the what next and that every moment is precious. I AM GRATEFUL to be a woman of faith! Ready for take off when you are. Love! Your faithFULL daughter, Adri