Breaking the pattern. Let it begin with me.

Nietzsche was quoted as having said "Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one." I am very aware that I am neither a saint nor perfect, which is why I too can become a monster if I choose ego over love. My ability to stand firmly in my belief that love is the answer has been severely tested in the past few months and yet love prevailed. I grew up with verbal abuse but I was too used to it to know how to stop being the target. In my teenage years being told I was ugly was such a part of my life it became normal and ultimately my truth. I was too young to understand that people project their self talk onto others and that I shouldn't take it personal. Flash forward to today and I have the tools to break the pattern. Tools that for two months straight I chose to keep in their box. I kept telling myself that they needed me and that their attacks on my looks and character weren't personal. However the day I looked in the mirror and called myself ugly I knew I could no longer pretend their verbal abuse was water off a duck's back. What I had at thirty-five that I didn't as a child was awareness. I also have a recovery program called Al Anon and an amazing support group that understands and can genuinely identify with what I am growing through. I had made a decision to not reach out but the moment had finally come. I had to take my ten years of Al Anon and four of therapy and apply them. If I chose to stay silent I would be the only one who would pay the price. You see when someone is in denial that they have a disease they are also in denial that their way of communicating is negative and verbal abuse. I understand I can not make anyone see something from my perspective but I also know I can't stand in the crossfire and wonder how I got hit. The time had come to break the pattern and to let it begin with me. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I stood up to my bully. I want nothing more than to get along but not at the expense of my well being. Even if it breaks my heart. Yet I knew I had to be strong or they would all over again take the best part of me as I was slowly allowing them too. It's not the first and maybe not the last time someone won't accept me just as I am but I love me just as I am. As hard as I tried to not be affected by the attacks on my character calling me a looser/mooch and told to f off, it saddened me. What truly saddened wasn't the name calling but that having the ability to go there means not only that they are caught up in their disease but that they have allowed the darkness to embody them. My program has taught me that all I can do is trust that my higher power, God, is taking care of them too. I trust so much I have made a painful yet necessary decision to not speak to them till they are sober. Breaking a behavioral pattern of any kind requires faith and courage and I summoned it. This doesn't mean I don't love them. On the contrary. I don't like their actions but I love them enough to know making this decision will help them more in the long run than me standing as a willing target in the crossfire of verbal abuse. In the end I thank them because when my self love was put to the test I ended passing, even if it took longer than I hoped. There's something I have to say to you darkness. It breaks my heart that they allow you to embody them but you should know, you never win. In the end the light prevails! I love me and you can't change that no matter how hard you try. I love you for making me the woman I am today. Without I wouldn't know the value of the light. I'm lovely! Just as I am. To my chosen father thank you for reminding me that I can't breathe with a boot positioned on my neck. To my chosen brother thank you for being there the day the storm hit and to my sponsor thank you for always listening. To all of you thank you for seeing me so BEAUTIFULLY!