The lessons of leaving.

Swimming against the current is a fine thing in my book considering I hold Thomas Jefferson's words in my heart, "In matters of style swim with the current. In matters of principle stand like a rock." I abide by them except in matters of style I stand like a rock as well rooted in individuality, which allows me to express my art of being girlie. In a phone conversation last night a lot of light was shed on my swimming. A dear friend also left Los Angeles ten years before I did. We discussed the freedom that came with leaving behind the dense energy of the city. Being that we are both born and raised Texas girls the energy combined with our natural energy was a tough combo. It is a BEAUTIFUL city with so much to offer but in my experience rooted in superficiality turning truly talented people into people who question their God given talents and sell their individuality for a chance at stardom. We discussed how I had managed to live my way into my late twenties letting go of the tight grip the city's rules/energy had once held on this growing twenty something. How I had learned to swim against the current not fearing but embracing going in the opposite direction. Something I loved to do but, which 2011 proved to be a difficult task as that year I did not swim against the current, I swam against high tides desperately coming up for air whenever I could. What I learned was that sometimes life will take everything from you to get your attention. I thought I had let go, surrendered and was open to the possibilities. That wasn't the case. At least not to the level God and the universe needed me to be or life as I knew it would not had been stripped from me little by little and enough to get my attention. I embraced each detour as it came remaining hopeful that magic was on its way yet again learning that the arrival of it is on God's time. As I get ready to celebrate my mom's Suprise 70th birthday party, which she thinks is my sister's engagement party, I smile because I could have never imagined this. That I'd be here with all my siblings celebrating her. I am stubborn so I refused to leave LA as a bitter divorcee without a settlement, my residuals. But after my Microsoft avail n(being on hold for commercial) did not turn into a booking and two intense weeks followed it I could see clearly what God wanted from me. I guess the Texas plates I saw all over LA where a sign too. ;-) So here I am in Austin living a simple life. A life rooted in individuality in a city that encourages not only that but for you to help keep it weird. I knew I wanted to end up here someday but I never dreamt so soon or under the circumstances, which I came here. Ones you'll see soon as my documentary's trailer is finished and will be up online soon. And ones I wouldn't wish upon anyone and yet I am grateful for them as they were just what I needed in order to get it. Sometimes life will give more than we think we can handle yet I think Mother Teresa said it best, "I know God doesn't give me anything I can't handle I just wish he didn't trust me so much." For me it's I wish it didn't trust me so much as I think assigning this mysterious powerful source in the vast unknown of the universe would limit my thinking. ;-) So in leaving LA so many lessons came as you will soon see for yourself soon but most of all yet again a bond grew. The bond with God, the universe and all the magic of the unseen grew as I drove past Arizona, New Mexico and breathed my way into Texas. Breaths that became effortless! In leaving I learned that swimming against the current and knowing how to can definitely come in handy but swimming in high tides, barely breathing and hoping not to drown can truly affect your health. I've learned that in being able to barely breathe I found appreciation for my breath, its importance and what matters most is what I think of me not what others think of me or my circumstances. In leaving I learned that letting go is the path to magic only God and the universe will provide, once again, on their time. After all for me magic just like pain is a choice that can be-li(e)ved in over and over again. The choice to surrender and follow the signs is yours! I'll try to remember as best as I can that " Life is a journey not a destination, there are no mistakes, just chances we take." I took a chance on leaving!

The gifts of humility.

I have been fortunate enough to have lived the kind of life whose experiences have allowed me to see both ends of the spectrum. I have lived in the huge three story home growing up and I lived in the trailer home growing up. I have friends who bus dishes for a living and friends who never have to pick up their own dishes. I have been surrounded by people whose fame effects their life the bare minimum and people who would feel they were worth nothing without fame. I myself have set up the cords, taped them down on stages and learned to run sound and lighting boards so that my play, The Art of Being, could reach audiences. I have catered for the cast, carried all our product and props for the play from El Paso to Chicago to San Antonio and back to Los Angeles. Due to my willingness to not be the label of the job and just do it I have also sat at Carnegie Hall in NYC with Sandra Bullock, David Bowie, Iman, Barbara Walters and Catherine Zeta Jones present as the President of GLAMOUR Magazine announced to everyone that evening at the Women of the Year Awards that this little girl from El Paso was the winner of the Toyota Moving Forward Award. After I returned to the task of no job is too big or too small and produced my first short film which led to the Rome Film Festival. Then I continued on to Bear Fruit wearing all hats once again and that journey led to my move to Austin and my continued growth. It's detour path has as usual led me to a life better than I dreamt or was living. Between you and me that coarse gray hair that stood up on head and made me look like alfafa has not resurfaced since my move to Austin. So following the signs is also helping my health. In my industry in front and behind the camera the ratio of jobs to people seeking them is small so I must remain open at all times to putting that gaffer tape down and open to those experiences leading to the magic only humility can bring. In being able to be both the actor portraying the character or the producer, crew etc. I am afforded the ability to not only learn birth the gifts of humility. I often have people say to me that I am lucky because of some of my accomplishments or people I know etc. and while I may just smile I do not believe in luck. To me if there is such a thing I make it by being able to follow the path the signs lead me on, having an open heart and being humble about what God and the universe ask of me in order to grow in this existence. One of the greatest gifts ever came from my first production and having to wear all and I mean all hats. Ask anyone who knew me then just how thin I got and tired I was from lack of sleep. After that I experience I walked onto every million dollar set with a new found appreciation for every person there having done their job on my extremely low budget productions, which allowed to truly understand the importance of team work. This weekend I was part of the production team that Univision brought together to be able to give birth to the bilingual music festival H2O. It was a experience that I have no doubt all my past experiences allowed me to not only endure but to face with absolute humility choosing to see yet again that no job is too small or too big. If a runner wasn't around to help I had no problem carrying crates, poles etc. all so that the people paying their savings, weekly paycheck etc. could get what they came for. In my view a day of music they found solace in which they were willing to spend their hard earned money on. I was getting paid well so there was no reason for me to not do my job and then some. I chose to be a part of that extraordinary team because of what I saw the event did. It brought all those artists together to feed people's souls through their music and afford them solace and to unite humanity through one the most beautiful artforms, music. Not everyone there shared my view on humility and while it broke my heart I understand that we are all on different journies with different lessons to be learned. As for me my view has given me the privilege to be part of the team that brings H2O to Los Angeles, which made me realize even more how blessed I am as my dream of being based in Austin and travel for work has become my reality. While my career in production grows beyond indie I will always hold true to my roots and the gifts it gave me. Always finding a way to put out into the world, passion and love. So don't worry my documentary will see the light of day. As a matter of fact by July latest the trailer for, "And She Danced, life after loss", will hit the internet. For now and as usual I am truly humbled by God and the universe's magic and their willingness to continue to trust me as I do them. May the unseen guide your heart to your passion and along the way may you find yourself in the eyes of another as you humbly walk this existence knowing we all come from the same place and will go to the same place when we wake up. Whatever this dream is truly about, this man made social ladder will not define it for me and therefore I intend to LIVE all kinds of experiences. See you on the path, as a good friend once told me. May humility allow me to see myself in your eyes and may we see the gifts of our paths crossing! May we grow in LOVE together for a beautiful TODAY! To all the extraordinary hundreds of people who made H2O possible, I bow to you! And everyone working hard for a better today. To everyone I met I am honored to know you. See you in LA!

Being present in a mid life realization.

In 2008 I started making a plan to move to Austin. I had come three times that year to visit. I fell in love more and more each visit. It is known for being weird yet I consider it a unique town with the ability to possess a growing entertainment industry but not a growing overload of billboards telling you who to be, what to watch and basically pushing you into their idea of you. On the contrary this city possesses the ability to support individuality in many art forms from music to dance to theatre and of course film.  My plan began in the pages of my journal in 2008 as I sat at Flipnotics contemplating the loss of a relationship and the gaining of self love. At the time my boyfriend broke up with stating reasons that were all I loved about myself therefore leading me down a path of self love. Something that till this day I thank him for. A path which led to coming to Austin and sitting in the corner of my sister's apartment starring out the window at trees while reading "The Witch of Portobello" followed by taking my journal and walking to Flipnotics down the street. In case you don't frequent my blog the journey of reading that novel led to me adapting it, producing a short film I starred in based on it and premiering it at the Rome Film Festival. Proving to me that every detour has a purpose no matter how dark the road en route. So when 2011 kept constantly detouring me I knew God and the universe were up to something magical that wouldn't necessarily top all I had lived but would continue to help me grow in faith and in awe of what is born of being able to navigate the darkness. A darkness that came as quick as it left. Just as I would feel the sunlight on my face again lighting the way it would disappear. First Neil transitioned, then my father, then my agency dropped me (this had a fast resolve as I signed with CESD shortly after but was about the only detour whose destination came quickly), then I walked away from my film's extended option terms loosing two years of work but gaining an obscene amount of knowledge, colleagues and support because of those two years, which was followed by loosing my apartment and then getting hired and let go from a Honda commercial all in one week because the client changed their mind after one audition and two callbacks. I was let go the eve of my 35th birthday. Happy birthday to me! Time would prove it to be, minus sarcasm, the greatest birthday gift. You see the thing for me is that when I set a plan in motion aka journal it God and the universe set the wheels in motion and start preparing me for its arrival. What rarely happens is arrival on my time but what always happens with the arrival of God's time is a revelation of magic beyond sight and my faith growing in a way words can't capture nor would do it justice. At my new beginning party in Los Angeles the month I decided to pack up and head to Austin the words mid life crisis came up to describe what I was growing through and being detoured to. It got me thinking and while I am not a fan of labels of any sort, otherwise according to some I am too much of a girlie girl to think they way I do and I should look more like a hippie and do drugs to explain my belief in the unseen, this particular label on my circumstances made me realize that I was able to take the leap of faith, pack up and leave because I had stayed present in a mid life realization. Often confused with a crisis. This was not a crisis! To me a crisis seems like there is no solution or it's too overwhelming to move forward because you are in crisis mode. Sure someways had me laying in bed but most days had me encouraging myself to move through the darkness trying to understand the signs listening to my God instinct so I could read my God compass and follow its direction. As it turns out all 2011 detours were leading to the 2008 dream, Austin. So here I am LIVING the dream four years after my journal received acknowledgement of its desire. Was the road here what I envisioned? Not at all! But guess what, the destination just like NY and Glamour, Rome and the red carpet is quite stunning. People are so kind, willing to open their hearts to me and not even twenty four hours after my road trip here I had my first free lance production job as part of the production team launching the H2O Univision bilingual music festival in Dallas in a few weeks. And Adriana Garza Productions not only has a documentary in post but a project in development already whose introduction into my life could have not been more timely and could have only happened here. Proving once again that God is in the details. So I leave you with these thoughts as my new beginning commences. Sometimes life is guiding somewhere more magical than you can dream. Our mind can only conjure up so much, which is why I go beyond the unseen often. Yes the journey there may get dark but would I appreciate the light and its value without knowing the complete opposite? Highly unlikely. This isn't a mid life crisis be that thirty five is no where near mid life. To me this is a life changing realization. A realization that no matter where I am I can be and do what I love. That no particular city holds the key to my success that key is safely guarded in my heart, soul and found with my God instinct. Turns out LA was giving birth to Austin and for having my heart open so I could see the signs that led me here I am grateful! I am about to break all the rules on how my industry works. Rules we've been sold for decades now. I know this is why God wanted me here. We are all pioneers, some of us just step up when the calling comes to be the change we are guided to be. Hope you stay for the ride! One thing is for sure, my shadow days are over! Goodbye 2011 hello 2012!!! The year of life changing, faith growing, awe struck miracles I can only give birth to by staying out of my own shadow.

Dearest Los Angeles. A Love letter.

Dearest Los Angeles, It is hard to believe it has been sixteen years since I first fell in love with you. When I lived in Texas and Mexico and I had heard of you, you seemed like such a distant place where only special people lived. A place so magical it took so much courage for me to believe I could belong in its beauty. At the time you were the new and desired adventure. A break from routine where even more magical things could be born. For years you and I had a love hate relationship but as I type this I can definitely say I am GRATEFUL for all the gifts born in the challenges birthed in the curves of your canyons, offices of seeming Gods or at least humans with egos allowing them to believe they are a God and can control my Fate, and in the arms of those European cities our work took me to that held within them the biggest test of all, my test of character. You and I have come to an agreement to divorce amicabily. No ill words, just a simple understanding that the time has come for a new beginning and that our mutual love has taken us to where we needed to get to embark on this new beginning. I still remember getting off the one way ticket plane ride with four hundred dollars, two suitcases, one with clothes and one with shoes, and a dream like it was yesterday. A dream that all your challenges helped me exceed. As you well know I never dreamt of fame or money but simply of acting. You however being such a loving, caring partner wanted more from me and pushed me in every possible way to make the I'MPOSSIBLE my reality. Sometimes you begged, pleaded and pushed me into a corner ultimately because you had my best interest at hand and because I was too stubborn then to be open to the signs. In that corner I found my voice, I fell in love ( a lot in a lot of ways), and ultimately learned that the road less traveled does indeed birth dreams beyond my imagination. As I traveled to Paris and London alone, as I had always wanted to before getting married and having kids, you patiently awaited my return so I could share my growth. Then off to New York I went more than a few times because of you, The Art of Being and fate. I posed for a national magazine for the first time and came back elated to share the experience with you, the award it led to and continued to stay in it with you till our next journey took us to Rome. Again you awaited my return anxiously so I could tell you all about Paulo Coelho, my experience on the red carpet and all the magic of staying true to myself in your arms. All that was born of being with you but still being me. You also gave me the greatest gift a woman could ever wish for, friends who proved family is not only found in blood, but in being love. You always found a way to help me wonder your streets into the arms of the BEST and I kid not when I say BEST people you held in your streets and as a result I fell in love. At one point or another they all were a flashlight that illuminated the sometimes darkened streets ego's power can create in your beauty. Beauty that is like nothing I have ever seen. In Griffith and Runyon I came to understand the signs and learn how to follow them through my gut. In Malibu I found LOVE in a magical way! Well honestly I don't have to tell you, as you know, you bent yourself and exposed yourself in every way possible to give me the best life and you did. You so did. But as the song says "I've been afraid of changing cause I build my life around you!" I had become so enamored with all you gave me and all your promises I fell into the arms of routine because after the past couple of years my nerves were shot. As you know through the grace of God I faced everyday as best as I could in that moment but it was becoming apparent, we no longer belonged together. Something that became so clear when I was in the waiting room for the Honda audition I booked and I wanted to be anything but love and tell the girls conversing about how great it was to be skinny and how they accomplished it, that death was knocking at their door too and would greet them one day, maybe too soon like it had Neil, so they should shut the fuck up and find a more productive way to spend their waiting room time. I was loosing myself in you. Your hold on me and its routine was making me angry and it took another six months but as you know I finally did it. I finally let you go. As I type this I await the morning anxiously as the movers will arrive and return me to the place I so anxiously fled at nineteen. You more than anyone know I am so grateful for our sixteen years, all you gave me and the woman I became BECAUSE OF YOU! However now that I genuinely feel the winds of change guiding me without fear of them knocking me down again I can leave you. I can leave you and give birth to my new dream. One I have shared with you for almost four years. I can go there now and you know why I can? Because of what YOU gifted me. It will open doors or close them as I am still that woman certain that the only way to her dream and the I'MPOSSIBLE is with my dignity in tact. I should thank you for all the men whose art I fell in love with and for having them teach me about unconditional love as most of them thought it okay to put their banana in every fruit bowl available and you taught me to love them even with our differences and YET TO LOVE ME MORE. You know whose in Austin, you know what is in Austin and I know you know it's time to go claim the life I can only claim thanks to you. I LOVE YOU, I WILL MISS YOU, AND I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU. THANK YOU FOR MY NEW BEGINNING! With immense gratitude, Adri

Dearest Darkness,

"You think you got the best of me. You think you got the last laugh. Bet you think that everything good is gone. Think you left me broken down. Think that I'd come running back.
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong." "You didn't think that I'd come back. I'd come back swinging." I'd hate to admit it but for a while you had me doubting not if I'd come back but just how powerful my swing could be and if I could stop telling myself the story of last year, other than in the edit bay for the documentary, and LIVE in the now, life AFTER loss.

As you witnessed this morning I finally deciphered the signs! Yet again I feel like I am dreaming just like I did the first time GLAMOUR called me to tell me I was a finalist for the Toyota Moving Forward Award. The same way I felt again when I saw my name just as I had envisioned for months as it appeared when I was named the winner of Paulo Coelh's The Experimental Witch International Film Competition. And of course the way I felt as I was getting ready to walk the red carpet in Rome with Paulo Coelho at our film's premiere and I looked up and said to God, "You, you did it again." And well God did it again and you dearest darkness have got to go.

It's time to watch the storm clouds that descend with your arrival, ascend with your departure and it's time to showcase the light the sun brings on God's time with this END (Entirely New Direction) and to welcome the new beginning I have deciphered the END of my documentary will birth. You have served your purpose and without you I wouldn't be able to call the miracle unfolding before my eyes a miracle, so THANK YOU for showing me the way back to my inner light and gifting me with the willingness to choose it over you.

As you know these past few days we met in the battlefield and you came heavily armed when I was most vulnerable, at night, and attacked. I would wake and remind you of my faith while I clutched my LOVE pillow tightly. The light aka God will let us both know it's got it and when I woke up today and deciphered the signs, lack of clarity did not afford me during your stay, I got what all the signs peaced (intended) together meant. It became very clear.

As it did I am sure to your dismay you heard the OMG!!!!, and witnessed my countless smile followed by my dance to magic. Yes this is the part of the relationship that is always hard to do but in my case easy to accept, it's time to part ways. Before we do I would like to say thank you for showing me once again, who I am, what I am made of, who I am not and just how much I can bend without breaking. Most of all how beautiful it is to arrive at this journey's destination, the sunshine conviction brings and watch the storm clouds of doubt become a thing of the past.

It's time once again to part ways so as I bid you farewell I thank you for teaching me how not to give up!

I thank you for teaching me how live beyond my fears!

Skateboarding with PRod for "And She Danced, Life after loss" from Adriana Garza on Vimeo.

And accept the magic that can only be born from learning that life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain. I've done that and NOW it's time to dance in the magic of "God's gifts putting dreams to shame." YOU know exactly what I mean.

"You're getting hot! Steaming hot! Really HOT!! Ouch, you're so hot! Smoking, red-hot-chili-pepper, volcano, extremely, DOUBLE-HOT! HOT! HOT! NOW, Adri, NOW-W-W-W-W-W-W!"

I $l%o^v1e you,
The Universe"

I've been signaled, I've got the magic in me! Time to reveal it.

Warm regards,
The light embodied in Adri

The lessons in falling.

Yesterday was an amazing day for me. I got to try something new that scared me immensely but given all I have lived this past year I know there isn't much I can't handle when it comes to overcoming fear. Sometimes it takes me longer than I would like but in that I learn patience. I don't just get patience magically, I am put in scenarios, which help me acquire it. It seems to be happening a lot lately. Yesterday I had to be really patient with myself and I was in awe of how patient my teacher was.

This young man once upon a time used to hold my hand and I would take him to get hot chocolate and skateboard in the neighborhood. He was eleven and I was nineteen. While he has an amazing mom I felt very protective of him like a mom would. Always making sure he wouldn't hurt himself or others. I could have never imagined that one day he would make a living at skateboarding professionally or that I would ask him to teach me how. Once upon a time I got on a skateboard and fell right off as it took off without me. I vowed never to get on one again. Same thing happened with skiing. I fell. Pretty hard. My brother played the ski right by me tough love game and yelled at me to get up. Needless to say I got up, made it down, and never skied again. That is why yesterday's lesson will remain with me forever in the best of ways.

I fell and I fell hard. The kind of falling that scares you and others. So much so that my teacher, PRod (as he goes by now), thought I wouldn't continue. However this time when I fell not only had I already fallen a lot in a lot of ways in the last year, my teacher got me back up with love. I laid there until I felt like I could move. Once I did I slowly got up and got back on the board. To be honest I kinda don't want to watch the playback of the fall. If it looks like how it felt it wasn't pretty. I am blessed to say the least. It has been years since I had fallen skiing and years since any sort of fear has paralyzed me and kept me from moving forward. So as everyone patiently waited I made my way back on the board and kept going at it for two more hours. I fell, got back up, rested, got frustrated, fell again, ran from the board as it chased me (which looks as funny as it sounds) and in the end I mastered the tricks Paulie, as I have called him since he was a kid, taught me.

It took effort and in the end I smelled of my conquered fear as I informed Paulie as he went to hug me for my accomplishments. He told me that after the fall, which took place right away, he didn't think I'd get back on the board and that I had done more than he expected. You are talking about someone who rode a skateboard for the first time in her life not only at thirty-five but a professional's skate park. Ramps and all. How far did I go and just what did I accomplish? Well for that you will have to see "And She Danced, Life after loss." I will tell you this, the entire experience was a metaphor for my life and especially my past year.

As Paulie told me "skateboarding is all about allowing your body to guide you not your mind", just as it is in dancing. If you get ahead of the tempo you will leave the board behind like I did or you will force yourself to lead instead of allowing your teacher to do so. Valuable lessons I have learned first hand. I did master the art of falling gracefully. I would have taught Paulie that but he would have needed to go backwards in his training. ;-) This is the same guidance I must listen to when it comes to life. Yes I will fall but if my heart is open to what my intuition is saying to me in the soft whispers that are stronger than the loud sounds of the negative committee (False Evidence Appearing Real) I will surely stand once again on time, God's time, armed with enough faith to feel the fear and do it anyway. I did it and I lived to tell about it. GRATEFUL I conquered the fear of falling! In that fall came the biggest lesson of all, standing is a choice I can make if I can truly trust beyond what I can see.



I chose not to see his work before skating with him, although his mom and dad have told me about it, as to not scare myself more. After I road with him and saw his videos tonight I can honestly say skateboarding is an art! I have so much respect for anyone who can just get on the board and stay on it. For me it was mostly about balance. Just like in my life. Please do not skate without protective gear. It saved my life. Enjoy PRod's amazing work!

The falls. ;-) "It's the experience paid by all the mistakes. It's the heart to get up and try again."

As for me I will keep going beyond the fear through the unknown and into the i'mpossible! I will keep dancing to the rhythm God and the universe provide me with in their beautiful piece written just for me, falls and all.

It's worth repeating that "what doesn't KILL you makes you STRONGER!"

From a place of simplicity grand things are born.

I am finally home again. I've been back in Los Angeles for two months now but had not slept in my own bed. The idea of crashing at my storage wasn't appealing. So I set out on a journey that took less than it felt to lead me to where I rest today but in that brief time brought amazing lessons.

There were definitely more moments of doubt than I would like to recall but they were outdone by the people who crossed my path to shed light on the darkness doubt carries. That which I allowed into my life and I grateful I did. Upon reflecting I can tell you that doubt's visits become shorter and shorter as I grown in and towards the light. In simple terms for me the light is love. It can show up in many ways and conditionally or unconditionally. Both are beautiful and for me it has become about being okay with which one I want to be surrounded with constantly.

I was having a conversation with someone and they said when you are creative and you aren't famous or rich you sacrifice things. I think that in actuality you understand things hold no true meaning of depth on this journey. Not for me at least. That is the biggest lesson I acquired in the past year. I thought I knew this clearly but it became more clear. I chose to downgrade apartment size and I now have one fourth of what I had. This means that a lot of things had to go.

Someone told me they were surprised at how easily I let it all go in December when I had to be out of my apartment. I may like things, I may want my place nicely decorated but nothing owns me. It's like my mom taught us growing up. It's not about the thing but about the person who owns the thing. Things being car, home, clothes etc. So when the time came to let go of most of my possessions I did. I had no problem. I stored only the basics and as I move into my new place more boxes sit by the front door waiting to be released.

Life has taught me to value my opinion the most and I am proud of myself for how I see all this. To me in order to get to grand things I must come from a place of simplicity where there is a genuine understanding that the home, car, job, and partner are not my happiness. That how I choose to live with or without those things and what I derive from them is up to me but happiness is my ability to be grateful for what is and not what I wish. I am grateful that my journey is about understanding this because now as grand things descend once more and I have grown, I will let them in and out of my life with ease knowing that when I seize to exist all that will matter will be the experiences I shared with you. Not the car I drove in, the job we worked together, the things we shared but simply the space we lived in while we crossed paths.

I am humbled, I am grateful, and once more as God and the universe know I am genuinely ready! Genuinely part is pretty big as I have learned and the spiritual path takes work. Work I am more than happy to oblige to. Here I grow again and as I do it's not hard for me to love you God and universe! Through each lesson, through each crossed path, through every synchronicity I see the love I feel and trust is there come to life. Grandness is in how we see things. I see you.