My heart is breaking right now for so many reasons. Obvious ones like Neil's family being without him tomorrow, Father's day, for the first time. All my dad's children, twelve to be exact, without him for the first time tomorrow and me coming to terms with everything. However right now a certain subject matter has resided over the sadness that resides in me today. It is not a debilitating sadness that won't allow me to move. On the contrary it is a sadness that makes me want to be me more and express myself more so today I choose to take this sadness and turn into words I hope will speak to your heart as well.
I have since I can recall never been a fan of labels or degrading people and always uncomfortable around gossip struggling to find the words to tell the person speaking that if that person they speak of wanted me to know they would have told me themselves. Thanks to this journey of mine, which has created me as a Mexican American woman I even went on to produce a play about humanity for humanity and the importance of equality. I am blessed to be surrounded by open minded people with good hearts no wait AMAZING hearts! It is rare that I hear remarks against my race and since people can't tell what I am the times I have heard them they have been without people knowing a Mexican was in the room. Using the word that describes my ethnicity as it were an insult. Something so far from the truth for me. I feel blessed to be fortunate enough to be from two countries and speak to languages. Grateful for what each one has taught me. When I won the award for my play I was interviewed by Mexicans and Americans Thinking Together.
SPANISH VERSION
ENGLISH VERSION
If life has taught me anything it's that I should use my voice not to speak against that which goes against what I believe but simply speak my belief. So when I ran across a junior high school friend's post on Facebook this week titled Awesome and linked to, “Why Aren’t You Speaking English?”
, my heart broke to say the least when I went to the link and read the article. It continued to break as I read people's comments. Thinking I would find my sadness echoed by those online reading it and posting comments proved wrong as everyone on there was making harsh comments to say the least. However I believe they are entitled to their opinion as well so I read as much as I could and then I had to come and do what I can do. Not get angry and blast them on that same page but simply share with you, whoever you may be, my belief.
I am under the belief that I reside in the land of God. I don't think I own it, I don't think I own anything for that matter. I am here as a visitor passing through experiencing the magic that is called planet Earth. With that knowledge comes the desire to experience all things and all situations as they are. Working hard everyday to accept what is. When I see a person I see a soul and if their essence goes against me I slide into compassion for I know NOTHING absolutely NOTHING about what it is like to walk in their shoes. Not something I perfect but something I work hard everyday to do. While I believe Senator Chris Harris is allowed to voice his thoughts of what this person should be doing in what he considers his country I would just like to state my belief.
I live in the land of God and to me that means tolerance for everyone regardless of where you stand literally and metaphorically. Tolerance. Hmm.....always a gift bestowed by God. More commonly known to me as the Grace of God. I am using a word that can sometimes upset people, God, but let me take a moment to clarify that it is a God of my understanding. A God who created all of us just as we are. A God who gave us lives that will take us on a journey, which only the individual living it will know the depth of it and their reason for being. So Senator Harris only you know the depth of your importance for wanting Antolin Aguirre to speak English and only Antonlin Aguirre knows the depth of importance why he desired to speak Spanish. If we play this card everywhere we go, the card of expectation, than I fear for all of us as a human race. I fear that imposing your beliefs on others is what keeps separating us as a race. I believe that the less we look at life through the eyes of God with love and tolerance and more through the eyes of fear the less we will grow as a race.
Lucky for me for every person on that article's comment page I believe there are ten like me wanting LOVE to be the way of the world. Spreading compassion through actions and words. I see it around me. Last weekend as I went to see my friend Michael's one man show, The Sum of my Parts,
at the Los Angeles Fringe Festival I sat through a ride of emotions that made me grateful to know such a beautiful soul. In his show he took his monologue which he performed in my play and turned it into a one man show taking you on the journey of what is like growing up being a gay man. Here's a sample.
I encourage everyone to see this show. It's worth more than the ten bucks it costs to get in. Don't just take my word for it read this review.
When he shares his story about Libby, his only real friend while attending school in Santa Fe, my heart broke for all he went through. Why, I question do we still live in a time when something that doesn't fit the box we want to put it in have to be attacked and destroyed with actions and words. Why would anyone want to hurt such a beautiful soul? It pains me to know there are people out there struggling to be themselves because of our egos. I believe ego is what allows us to act out in fear and use words or actions to belittle that, which a society conditioned mind can not comprehend. So I ask you to see his show not only to support the arts but most of all to open your heart. My dream for the world is tolerance and compassion. What a wonderful world it would be if we could all look at each other through the eyes of God. Eyes that are part of such a BIG no HUGE heart they carry through them love, compassion, and tolerance.
Perhaps I am a fool or naive to others as people will see the world as they are not as it is but to me I am a proud Mexican American woman hopeful that someday people will see me and others for who I am and not what I am. I will continue to imagine that this day will come and while it may not happen while I exist here on Earth I hope that I can plant the seed for others to keep voicing beliefs that support equality, tolerance and compassion. In a way that time is now for me since after all I reside in the land of God, a God of my understanding, and a land where my choices make all the difference.
P.S. This week I also witnessed an act of domestic violence in public. I couldn't stand by and do nothing. So I stood by her side until he left, asked her to sit and waited for the store manager to come help her. Things happen all around us everyday that require we use our voice. Please take a look at what GLAMOUR is doing to help this kind of situation and please lend a hand when you can!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Stumbling gracefully towards the light.
I believe that stumbling gracefully is a contradiction but according to my amazingly sweet and beautiful friends it is not. Apparently their perception is that it is a quality I possess. An ability to gracefully grow through this breakthrough not to be confused with what is more commonly labeled as a breakdown, even as I stumble. If you turn off the lights it gets dark and you can't see where you are going but if you follow your heart you find your way through, each time, it never fails. This I know from experience. I am not falling apart unable to get up again I am gracefully stumbling my way towards the light, which means I am choosing to stay in the darkness carefully making my way through this process. A process I trust will allow me to see the light when it is time. It's like I told those who have become my grief family aka group therapy, I feel like that quote from Mother Teresa these days, "I know God doesn't give me anything I can't handle I just wish God didn't trust me so much". Not that I have always been so calm about it all as I've had three different occasions where I tried to Eat Pray Love my way out of this. First stop Hawaii, where I hope to elope someday, second stop Paris and finally ending in my favorite city Rome. ;-) Instead I've stayed put dealing with what life has asked of me these days.
It's been a rough couple of weeks but particularly the last. I am not a stranger to the fact that a particular upcoming day, father's day, may be to blame for the non-stop roller coaster of emotions I am currently on. Like I said tonight in therapy, some days it just comes out of nowhere. Not only am I dealing with the loss of a father who was never able to be a father but everything in my life seems to be unraveling all at once. Each day with each new string come undone I say a prayer first of gratitude for being alive to see the moment and then I ask for courage to continue on. Today for the first time I asked God for forgiveness. Maybe not for the first time but definitely for the first time in a long time. I asked God to forgive me for allowing the pain I am in to overwhelm me. Things have happened that show me just how much pain I am in and I momentarily loose balance. God has told me I have no need to apologize in case you're wondering. ;-)
While making a commitment to take better care of myself has meant once again to eliminate soda from my diet, which I believe contributed to my weakness, I also believe the emotions I am experiencing caused me to not be able to finish dance class for the first time in a long time and not finish spin class for the first time since I went back. Gather I only had one song left in spin but my body was asking me very clearly to stop. I didn't want to because as long as I keep moving I can keep the thoughts from coming and the pain from taking over. As soon as I slowed down in spin my mind had time to instill fear in me by asking me "what if I am dying and that is why I can not finish class?" Yes sadly death, even though it's been five months since my father's passing and a few days shy from nine months since Neil passed, is still a constant companion. I was able to laugh at myself well because I've been dying since the day I was born so duh the answer is yes you are dying but I highly doubt that is why you can't finish class. Try more along the lines of processing the emotions means slowing down and allowing them to make their way through and out of your system. That is why you are weak. You are processing A LOT! Things I know and things fear can always temporarily make me forget.
With every ounce of my being I believe that just as this caterpillar begins to feel the world is over I will become a butterfly. It's just not time and that I have to accept, for in time lies the answer. I know that if I try to make things happen on my time everything will blow up in my face. As much as I wish the strings that are my life were being woven in to a beautiful pattern NOW I know that the past has to come undone first for the entirely new beginning/pattern that I am being guided to through this entirely new direction, can arrive. Like Po I have some battles to endure before I win the war by making my way through it, facing the past and achieving inner peace. The biggest one being coming to terms with being my father's daughter. Meaning being the daughter of a father who was not able to be what is defined as a father. "Remember dragon warrior when you follow the noble path anything is possible." Kung Fu Panda
Who knew Kung Fu Panda would be part of my recovery through this journey? Trust me this one and the first one carry deep beautiful messages. Films I hope my kids can see someday as they are released as classics. At the speed technology moves these days it's to be expected. ;-)
So as I continue stumbling my way through these current circumstances, which are out of my control and to be honest quite painful I continue to see what a beautiful planet we inhabit and how magical each breath is. I am blessed to have learned to live as I believe and in doing so I create a reality, which allows me to not be devoured by these current circumstances and deprive me of the gift of the present, LIFE. A life I choose to live as each day. As I see it I can choose to give up or I can choose to go on. I will go on as best as I can each day trusting this process because every part of me holds the desire to trust in the beauty of the unknown. Dad this is between you and me and only you will get this. Thank you for the light you are sending. It's stunning. It's eyes show me just how beautiful life is about to get! See you in my dreams as I continue to stumble gracefully towards the light I trust I have this light to look forward to among many other things. Thanks for allowing this hurricane to land in his arms. Mahalo!
P.S. Dad please say hi to Neil and grandpa and please tell Neil I miss him and I am praying for Liz and Millie as they spend their first father's day without him. Sending them all the love in the universe!
It's been a rough couple of weeks but particularly the last. I am not a stranger to the fact that a particular upcoming day, father's day, may be to blame for the non-stop roller coaster of emotions I am currently on. Like I said tonight in therapy, some days it just comes out of nowhere. Not only am I dealing with the loss of a father who was never able to be a father but everything in my life seems to be unraveling all at once. Each day with each new string come undone I say a prayer first of gratitude for being alive to see the moment and then I ask for courage to continue on. Today for the first time I asked God for forgiveness. Maybe not for the first time but definitely for the first time in a long time. I asked God to forgive me for allowing the pain I am in to overwhelm me. Things have happened that show me just how much pain I am in and I momentarily loose balance. God has told me I have no need to apologize in case you're wondering. ;-)
While making a commitment to take better care of myself has meant once again to eliminate soda from my diet, which I believe contributed to my weakness, I also believe the emotions I am experiencing caused me to not be able to finish dance class for the first time in a long time and not finish spin class for the first time since I went back. Gather I only had one song left in spin but my body was asking me very clearly to stop. I didn't want to because as long as I keep moving I can keep the thoughts from coming and the pain from taking over. As soon as I slowed down in spin my mind had time to instill fear in me by asking me "what if I am dying and that is why I can not finish class?" Yes sadly death, even though it's been five months since my father's passing and a few days shy from nine months since Neil passed, is still a constant companion. I was able to laugh at myself well because I've been dying since the day I was born so duh the answer is yes you are dying but I highly doubt that is why you can't finish class. Try more along the lines of processing the emotions means slowing down and allowing them to make their way through and out of your system. That is why you are weak. You are processing A LOT! Things I know and things fear can always temporarily make me forget.
With every ounce of my being I believe that just as this caterpillar begins to feel the world is over I will become a butterfly. It's just not time and that I have to accept, for in time lies the answer. I know that if I try to make things happen on my time everything will blow up in my face. As much as I wish the strings that are my life were being woven in to a beautiful pattern NOW I know that the past has to come undone first for the entirely new beginning/pattern that I am being guided to through this entirely new direction, can arrive. Like Po I have some battles to endure before I win the war by making my way through it, facing the past and achieving inner peace. The biggest one being coming to terms with being my father's daughter. Meaning being the daughter of a father who was not able to be what is defined as a father. "Remember dragon warrior when you follow the noble path anything is possible." Kung Fu Panda
Who knew Kung Fu Panda would be part of my recovery through this journey? Trust me this one and the first one carry deep beautiful messages. Films I hope my kids can see someday as they are released as classics. At the speed technology moves these days it's to be expected. ;-)
So as I continue stumbling my way through these current circumstances, which are out of my control and to be honest quite painful I continue to see what a beautiful planet we inhabit and how magical each breath is. I am blessed to have learned to live as I believe and in doing so I create a reality, which allows me to not be devoured by these current circumstances and deprive me of the gift of the present, LIFE. A life I choose to live as each day. As I see it I can choose to give up or I can choose to go on. I will go on as best as I can each day trusting this process because every part of me holds the desire to trust in the beauty of the unknown. Dad this is between you and me and only you will get this. Thank you for the light you are sending. It's stunning. It's eyes show me just how beautiful life is about to get! See you in my dreams as I continue to stumble gracefully towards the light I trust I have this light to look forward to among many other things. Thanks for allowing this hurricane to land in his arms. Mahalo!
P.S. Dad please say hi to Neil and grandpa and please tell Neil I miss him and I am praying for Liz and Millie as they spend their first father's day without him. Sending them all the love in the universe!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
The tie that binds us.
I have learned from all my experiences in the past years since my late twenties when awareness opened my eyes through my heart and my life changed in the best of ways that the tie that binds us and that none of us can escape is being human. I don't care how much society tries to impose separation on us with their opinions on our economic status, their imposed ideas of what beautiful is, and the supposed importance of a job title. The bottom line is you cut all of us we all bleed. Carrying this belief in my heart is what allows me to see through to the soul of any being often arriving at compassion for them even if sometimes it takes me longer than I would like. After all in my view of the world we are all God's children regardless of whether we value it or not. We are made from the same source whatever you choose to call it.
I've grown so much in my belief that God can be one of my understanding and not the only the one imposed by the beliefs that reared me in childhood that I have no problem saying God. I also realize whatever you believe God to be is how you will take the mention of God in my words and if there is one thing I know is that people see the world as they are not as it is. No changing that for them. If change is ever to come about it has to be voluntarily. Thank God for all the dark tunnels that have allowed me to travel through them granting me the ability to arrive at such a conclusion.
I've arrived at many conclusions thanks to the darkness I've endured of such journies, which I get detoured to travel through when I least expect it. With this knowledge in my heart I was able to turn to the stranger I crossed paths with on Friday and ask her what was wrong as she cried while trying to eat her meal. The best part of this is that I had no intention of going to such place but at the last minute thought to myself I haven't been in a while, why not? As usual it turns out what compelled me to head in that direction held a bigger purpose than I could have imagined. She turned to me, this woman of about early fifties, and said I'm okay. I didn't reply I just looked at her hoping she would feel a presence that would allow her to open up as it was clear she was not okay. Within minutes she began to tell me her story and all I could think of was, wow wise all knowing you did it again. ;-) You brought me exactly to where you needed me to be to serve a purpose.
She told me they had found a lump in her daughter's breast and that she was only 31, a single mom and did not deserve this. She told me that if her daughter had been a bad person she would understand but this what not fair. I could see and feel the presence of the agonizing fear that was consuming her. It was not lecture time nor my place to do so, so I avoided telling her one of my strongest beliefs, life happens on its terms and it's how we react to it that matters. I didn't think her daughter was a victim of circumstance. I believed her daughter was just about to learn the depth of her faith, possibly grow in it. Instead I shared with her what I realized had caused our paths to cross, my story. I told her I had just come from my third breast exam as there was something that kept bothering me. I told her how the doctor advised me to come at certain times and do certain things just to be sure and in conclusion I was fine. As she mentioned that her daughter's lump may be a cyst I told her that was what mine turned out to be. I looked her straight in the eye and told her it would be okay. I don't know what the outcome will be but I know no matter what we endure we are always okay and in moments like these I realize how valuable we are to one another as we walk on growing through life.
I didn't share with her that since the loss of Neil and my dad I had self diagnosed myself with breast cancer and a potential heart problem due to pre-existing conditions in myself and family. That immediately after Neil's passing I had a heart test done to reassure me that the stress induced premature heartbeat I had in 2008 was no longer a part of me nor was there anything else there I was unaware of. Neil died of heart disease at thirty-eight and my dad of a heart attack in his sleep. I didn't share that the cancer thoughts crept in after witnessing it in someone else close to me and living through the radiation treatments with them last year. More than anything the knowledge that things can change drastically at any moment was what was engulfing my mind and producing such worry. I also knew that was what she may be going through. Her world as she knew it could change and perhaps it was this change that was producing her mind to take over and give way to her sad eyes and tears. This was the tie the was binding us, the one of potential change in a way that would test our faith as we knew it. One that I have been enduring for a while now and I feel blessed to say has only brought me closer to my understanding of God.
This I know all to well as I feel I have been growing through some pretty intense things, which I choose to believe are leading me to a breakthrough like they have in the past. As we continued to converse she began to calm down and I asked her daughter's name. I told her I would pray for her. Then I asked her name so I could pray for the both of them. As I gathered my things to leave I went over to her table and asked her if I could hug her. She smiled and said she was going to ask me the same thing. I held her tight and told her it would all be okay. She looked me in the eyes asked my name and said she would be praying for me to. Little did she know how much I need those prayers too and that in my view of the world our crossing of paths was no coincidence. To me this was a reminder of the wonderful ways the universe guides us to realize how tied we are by the experiences being human entail.
This crossing of paths made my day because I can see so clearly what the universe is allowing me to live by slowing me down to heal. I would like to be in Austin now shooting my film and just as one piece falls into place, another falls out. I can smile at it now because my relationship with timing, the universe and most of all God is the strongest it's ever been due to all I've been blessed to live. Dark and full of light moments, tunnel or end of the tunnel ride, I take them both as I need them both. They ultimately are a link of the chain of events that are carefully guiding me into the what next that I am being prepared for. Slowly but surely continues to be the pace I am being asked to take. Somedays I don't want to but then I swing my chair around look at everything that fills my office and I am reminded of the miracles that are born of faith when I choose to listen to my God compass and nothing or no one else that tries to make me believe my carefully guided path is wrong.
I am being prepared to become Esperanza in "Bearing Fruit" at a much slower pace than I anticipated but it is in moments like crossing paths with this woman Friday that reassure me everything and I mean everything thing to the smallest detail has a purpose in my life and is making me Esperanza if I choose to see it. The one thing that stands out, which the character of Esperanza and I share in common and is the tie that binds us is loss. For now I am feeling my way through the loss, enduring the constant detours and once again taking care of myself. I had forgotten what it was like to make sure I came first so I could deal with all that I am being guided to grow through. Luckily for me God and the universe saw this and starting guiding me back to me. Luckily for them I saw the signs and acted upon them.
I am back in spin classes, which about five years ago where a regular part of my life to keep me heart healthy. I am back in dance three times a week, which make my soul happy! Most of all I am staying for the full twelve weeks of group therapy for those who lost loved ones and then continuing with my journey to Bear Fruit. For every dark day I experience as thoughts of all the loss take over me, I have twenty- eight bright ones! It is getting better and better. God continues to allow me to cross paths with people who in one way or another inspire me to keep moving forward!
Today in spin class a song came over me that reminded me of the importance of living for today. Something thoughts of Neil and my dad constantly remind me of. As the song suggested I lost myself in it, closed my eyes and visualized myself making it through the darkness to light once again. I lost myself in the music the rhythm of my heart is playing these days. Music whose sounds exude gratitude for the ability to be bound to all of you through this beautiful journey called LIFE where we get one shot to LIVE! It's not a dress rehearsal folks so may you allow your current link to be a part of the chain of events that are leading you to the magnificent destiny that awaits you, which can only be fulfilled by you. LOOSE YOURSELF IN YOUR MUSIC OF THIS BEAUTIFUL MYSTERIOUS GIFT CALLED LIFE!
I've grown so much in my belief that God can be one of my understanding and not the only the one imposed by the beliefs that reared me in childhood that I have no problem saying God. I also realize whatever you believe God to be is how you will take the mention of God in my words and if there is one thing I know is that people see the world as they are not as it is. No changing that for them. If change is ever to come about it has to be voluntarily. Thank God for all the dark tunnels that have allowed me to travel through them granting me the ability to arrive at such a conclusion.
I've arrived at many conclusions thanks to the darkness I've endured of such journies, which I get detoured to travel through when I least expect it. With this knowledge in my heart I was able to turn to the stranger I crossed paths with on Friday and ask her what was wrong as she cried while trying to eat her meal. The best part of this is that I had no intention of going to such place but at the last minute thought to myself I haven't been in a while, why not? As usual it turns out what compelled me to head in that direction held a bigger purpose than I could have imagined. She turned to me, this woman of about early fifties, and said I'm okay. I didn't reply I just looked at her hoping she would feel a presence that would allow her to open up as it was clear she was not okay. Within minutes she began to tell me her story and all I could think of was, wow wise all knowing you did it again. ;-) You brought me exactly to where you needed me to be to serve a purpose.
She told me they had found a lump in her daughter's breast and that she was only 31, a single mom and did not deserve this. She told me that if her daughter had been a bad person she would understand but this what not fair. I could see and feel the presence of the agonizing fear that was consuming her. It was not lecture time nor my place to do so, so I avoided telling her one of my strongest beliefs, life happens on its terms and it's how we react to it that matters. I didn't think her daughter was a victim of circumstance. I believed her daughter was just about to learn the depth of her faith, possibly grow in it. Instead I shared with her what I realized had caused our paths to cross, my story. I told her I had just come from my third breast exam as there was something that kept bothering me. I told her how the doctor advised me to come at certain times and do certain things just to be sure and in conclusion I was fine. As she mentioned that her daughter's lump may be a cyst I told her that was what mine turned out to be. I looked her straight in the eye and told her it would be okay. I don't know what the outcome will be but I know no matter what we endure we are always okay and in moments like these I realize how valuable we are to one another as we walk on growing through life.
I didn't share with her that since the loss of Neil and my dad I had self diagnosed myself with breast cancer and a potential heart problem due to pre-existing conditions in myself and family. That immediately after Neil's passing I had a heart test done to reassure me that the stress induced premature heartbeat I had in 2008 was no longer a part of me nor was there anything else there I was unaware of. Neil died of heart disease at thirty-eight and my dad of a heart attack in his sleep. I didn't share that the cancer thoughts crept in after witnessing it in someone else close to me and living through the radiation treatments with them last year. More than anything the knowledge that things can change drastically at any moment was what was engulfing my mind and producing such worry. I also knew that was what she may be going through. Her world as she knew it could change and perhaps it was this change that was producing her mind to take over and give way to her sad eyes and tears. This was the tie the was binding us, the one of potential change in a way that would test our faith as we knew it. One that I have been enduring for a while now and I feel blessed to say has only brought me closer to my understanding of God.
This I know all to well as I feel I have been growing through some pretty intense things, which I choose to believe are leading me to a breakthrough like they have in the past. As we continued to converse she began to calm down and I asked her daughter's name. I told her I would pray for her. Then I asked her name so I could pray for the both of them. As I gathered my things to leave I went over to her table and asked her if I could hug her. She smiled and said she was going to ask me the same thing. I held her tight and told her it would all be okay. She looked me in the eyes asked my name and said she would be praying for me to. Little did she know how much I need those prayers too and that in my view of the world our crossing of paths was no coincidence. To me this was a reminder of the wonderful ways the universe guides us to realize how tied we are by the experiences being human entail.
This crossing of paths made my day because I can see so clearly what the universe is allowing me to live by slowing me down to heal. I would like to be in Austin now shooting my film and just as one piece falls into place, another falls out. I can smile at it now because my relationship with timing, the universe and most of all God is the strongest it's ever been due to all I've been blessed to live. Dark and full of light moments, tunnel or end of the tunnel ride, I take them both as I need them both. They ultimately are a link of the chain of events that are carefully guiding me into the what next that I am being prepared for. Slowly but surely continues to be the pace I am being asked to take. Somedays I don't want to but then I swing my chair around look at everything that fills my office and I am reminded of the miracles that are born of faith when I choose to listen to my God compass and nothing or no one else that tries to make me believe my carefully guided path is wrong.
I am being prepared to become Esperanza in "Bearing Fruit" at a much slower pace than I anticipated but it is in moments like crossing paths with this woman Friday that reassure me everything and I mean everything thing to the smallest detail has a purpose in my life and is making me Esperanza if I choose to see it. The one thing that stands out, which the character of Esperanza and I share in common and is the tie that binds us is loss. For now I am feeling my way through the loss, enduring the constant detours and once again taking care of myself. I had forgotten what it was like to make sure I came first so I could deal with all that I am being guided to grow through. Luckily for me God and the universe saw this and starting guiding me back to me. Luckily for them I saw the signs and acted upon them.
I am back in spin classes, which about five years ago where a regular part of my life to keep me heart healthy. I am back in dance three times a week, which make my soul happy! Most of all I am staying for the full twelve weeks of group therapy for those who lost loved ones and then continuing with my journey to Bear Fruit. For every dark day I experience as thoughts of all the loss take over me, I have twenty- eight bright ones! It is getting better and better. God continues to allow me to cross paths with people who in one way or another inspire me to keep moving forward!
Today in spin class a song came over me that reminded me of the importance of living for today. Something thoughts of Neil and my dad constantly remind me of. As the song suggested I lost myself in it, closed my eyes and visualized myself making it through the darkness to light once again. I lost myself in the music the rhythm of my heart is playing these days. Music whose sounds exude gratitude for the ability to be bound to all of you through this beautiful journey called LIFE where we get one shot to LIVE! It's not a dress rehearsal folks so may you allow your current link to be a part of the chain of events that are leading you to the magnificent destiny that awaits you, which can only be fulfilled by you. LOOSE YOURSELF IN YOUR MUSIC OF THIS BEAUTIFUL MYSTERIOUS GIFT CALLED LIFE!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Coming closer to God as life seemingly falls apart.
Yesterday I decided to get back to work on something that I spoke about with a publisher in January. I had not felt that what I needed to do for that specific creative venture was ready. I am a big believer that if you will your way into living moments instead of allowing them to organically unfold you end up not truly living what you wanted. So one of my biggest lessons in life has been learning to decipher between when I am giving up and when I am letting things organically unfold, letting go and letting God. For a recovering perfectionist learning to differentiate is crucial for progress and in that process I've learned that progress not perfection is key for my way of life and to be able to strike a balance allowing me to learn when to let go.
I believe there is a yearning inside all of us, which I call my God compass, guiding us towards our purpose. Along the way to that purpose a road is paved filled with situations which I call life on life's terms. On that road many things appear which I have learned are there to give me the strength, courage, will, tenacity, faith and passion among other things I pray for. Perhaps the biggest lesson that has come from following my God compass which has led me to my own road paved for me and my purpose or destiny is that choosing to go on is solely up to me. Not following this road I am on is always and will always be an option. One I have yet to choose solely because that yearning inside all of us doesn't leave some just choose to ignore it. Mine is too loud to ignore and it becomes ever more present as I bid farewell to people I once knew and watch them become part of the other side of this earth.
Which brings me to today and why I have chosen to go back to this creative venture I had put to rest temporarily awaiting for it to organically find its way out of my being and into the world. Yesterday in the midst of things seemingly continuing to fall apart around me I heard that it was time to finish this venture and turn it in as I had agreed to do so back in January. So I got back to work on it. To do so I chose to make a list of all the rejections and challenges I have endured in the past year which was kicked off by April 20,2010 and topped off by the event of May 14, 2011. I told a friend after compiling this list that based on all these rejections I wished I could believe I was wrong on this path but I didn't. That even when doubt befriended me trying to make me think I perhaps was my God compass aka intuition quietly but firmly chimed in saying you are not, be still and be patient. Prompting me to recall words I had run across not too long ago, "It is the still, small voice that the soul heeds, not the deafening blasts of doom" and perhaps that is why I kept being told to be still so I could hear in the silence the voice of certainty which has yet to stir me wrong.
I trust that more than anything because since running across Emerson's words in 2008,"Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience", as I was diagnosed with a stress induced premature heart beat I have learned what can come of patience, timing, and faith. While I was talking to my friend the following arrived in an email and in awe of it's timing I read it to her, "Trying to distract yourself won't work. Your option? Understand that if you weren't right here, right now, the next link in the chain of events that will make up the story of your life wouldn't be forged. There. Makes it easier to be patient, doesn't it?" She immediately suggested I save it and it was then that informed her I had done it like I do with all things I consider signs or God communicating with me through the universe. Why was I in such awe? Well what I am working on happens to be the story of my life. ;-)
Not only do I find solace in trying moments in my God compass but it's the arrival of such perfectly written words that reassures me I am not wrong as circumstances may sometimes try and make me feel. I refuse to be a victim of circumstance. On my path to recovery from being a perfectionist I have learned that rejection is God's protection. I used believe that if I was truly perfect I wouldn't be rejected. I am so in love with the woman I am at thirty-four and the beliefs I have chosen to adapt, which are far from those in my twenties yet I am grateful the insecure perfectionist mess I was in my twenties led me here. Without those years I would not be getting ready to rise once again after a brief rest period and turn this venture in. It's ironic how when I was a mess I would bend over backwards to please others in my line of work and be the actor they wanted me to be so I booked more work then. Now I honor only what feels right to my essence and being and while work may not flow as easily as it once did now I get to be behind the work I put out into the world and take responsibility for how I contribute to the planet while I am here and the feeling that comes with that is something no paycheck could make me feel! The only finger I get to point now for my work and its quality is at me and I love it that way.
Reflecting on that long list of challenges and rejections the answer I am longing for these days I found myself living my way into by choosing to focus on my project. That old saying that sometimes annoys us when it is said to us, time heals all wounds, has repeatedly proven true for me. Time is healing the pain of all these things on the list. While some like the passing of Neil and my father I would rather not denote on the list but they are realities and I trust they are part of what is making me the woman I am choosing to be. Time has slowly allowed me to not only heal these wounds and make my way through the challenges but most of all understand the dance of life. Doors have seemingly been closing non-stop for me since last April and one big one was closed this past Saturday the 14th. I say seemingly because if I truly believe that rejection is God's protection than between the adopting the pace of nature, trusting in timing and that pretty amazing horoscope that arrived yesterday I can see clearly beyond the darkness into the light of the my destiny being whispered to me through these signs. Signs that can only truly be understood by me. It is my choice to believe in them over the doubt the presence of challenges brings that allows me to in time be ready to move forward as I am today.
In my heart I know based on experience and beliefs that have risen from those experiences that God must really love me. You see if rejection is God's protection and for a little over a year I have been in transition constantly having doors of rejection shut in my face then I believe I am just where I meant to be. After all I see all those doors closing as God saying "Nope Adriana not yet. What I have for you and what you are worthy of lies behind one of the most unique doors with a big yes on it and you won't have to kick it down you will simply turn with ease the lock on it and behind it find everything you dreamt of and more." After all someone very wise said God can dream bigger dreams than we can dream for ourselves and I whole heartily believe that is what I am being led to. That in time, God's time, I will arrive at that door and unlock it with ease. For now the trick is to never stop trying to unlock doors and to never be discouraged as life seemingly falls apart
around me for it is all bringing me closer to God, my understanding of God.
I believe there is a yearning inside all of us, which I call my God compass, guiding us towards our purpose. Along the way to that purpose a road is paved filled with situations which I call life on life's terms. On that road many things appear which I have learned are there to give me the strength, courage, will, tenacity, faith and passion among other things I pray for. Perhaps the biggest lesson that has come from following my God compass which has led me to my own road paved for me and my purpose or destiny is that choosing to go on is solely up to me. Not following this road I am on is always and will always be an option. One I have yet to choose solely because that yearning inside all of us doesn't leave some just choose to ignore it. Mine is too loud to ignore and it becomes ever more present as I bid farewell to people I once knew and watch them become part of the other side of this earth.
Which brings me to today and why I have chosen to go back to this creative venture I had put to rest temporarily awaiting for it to organically find its way out of my being and into the world. Yesterday in the midst of things seemingly continuing to fall apart around me I heard that it was time to finish this venture and turn it in as I had agreed to do so back in January. So I got back to work on it. To do so I chose to make a list of all the rejections and challenges I have endured in the past year which was kicked off by April 20,2010 and topped off by the event of May 14, 2011. I told a friend after compiling this list that based on all these rejections I wished I could believe I was wrong on this path but I didn't. That even when doubt befriended me trying to make me think I perhaps was my God compass aka intuition quietly but firmly chimed in saying you are not, be still and be patient. Prompting me to recall words I had run across not too long ago, "It is the still, small voice that the soul heeds, not the deafening blasts of doom" and perhaps that is why I kept being told to be still so I could hear in the silence the voice of certainty which has yet to stir me wrong.
I trust that more than anything because since running across Emerson's words in 2008,"Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience", as I was diagnosed with a stress induced premature heart beat I have learned what can come of patience, timing, and faith. While I was talking to my friend the following arrived in an email and in awe of it's timing I read it to her, "Trying to distract yourself won't work. Your option? Understand that if you weren't right here, right now, the next link in the chain of events that will make up the story of your life wouldn't be forged. There. Makes it easier to be patient, doesn't it?" She immediately suggested I save it and it was then that informed her I had done it like I do with all things I consider signs or God communicating with me through the universe. Why was I in such awe? Well what I am working on happens to be the story of my life. ;-)
Not only do I find solace in trying moments in my God compass but it's the arrival of such perfectly written words that reassures me I am not wrong as circumstances may sometimes try and make me feel. I refuse to be a victim of circumstance. On my path to recovery from being a perfectionist I have learned that rejection is God's protection. I used believe that if I was truly perfect I wouldn't be rejected. I am so in love with the woman I am at thirty-four and the beliefs I have chosen to adapt, which are far from those in my twenties yet I am grateful the insecure perfectionist mess I was in my twenties led me here. Without those years I would not be getting ready to rise once again after a brief rest period and turn this venture in. It's ironic how when I was a mess I would bend over backwards to please others in my line of work and be the actor they wanted me to be so I booked more work then. Now I honor only what feels right to my essence and being and while work may not flow as easily as it once did now I get to be behind the work I put out into the world and take responsibility for how I contribute to the planet while I am here and the feeling that comes with that is something no paycheck could make me feel! The only finger I get to point now for my work and its quality is at me and I love it that way.
Reflecting on that long list of challenges and rejections the answer I am longing for these days I found myself living my way into by choosing to focus on my project. That old saying that sometimes annoys us when it is said to us, time heals all wounds, has repeatedly proven true for me. Time is healing the pain of all these things on the list. While some like the passing of Neil and my father I would rather not denote on the list but they are realities and I trust they are part of what is making me the woman I am choosing to be. Time has slowly allowed me to not only heal these wounds and make my way through the challenges but most of all understand the dance of life. Doors have seemingly been closing non-stop for me since last April and one big one was closed this past Saturday the 14th. I say seemingly because if I truly believe that rejection is God's protection than between the adopting the pace of nature, trusting in timing and that pretty amazing horoscope that arrived yesterday I can see clearly beyond the darkness into the light of the my destiny being whispered to me through these signs. Signs that can only truly be understood by me. It is my choice to believe in them over the doubt the presence of challenges brings that allows me to in time be ready to move forward as I am today.
In my heart I know based on experience and beliefs that have risen from those experiences that God must really love me. You see if rejection is God's protection and for a little over a year I have been in transition constantly having doors of rejection shut in my face then I believe I am just where I meant to be. After all I see all those doors closing as God saying "Nope Adriana not yet. What I have for you and what you are worthy of lies behind one of the most unique doors with a big yes on it and you won't have to kick it down you will simply turn with ease the lock on it and behind it find everything you dreamt of and more." After all someone very wise said God can dream bigger dreams than we can dream for ourselves and I whole heartily believe that is what I am being led to. That in time, God's time, I will arrive at that door and unlock it with ease. For now the trick is to never stop trying to unlock doors and to never be discouraged as life seemingly falls apart
around me for it is all bringing me closer to God, my understanding of God.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
The depth of my gratitude.
Lately I've been constantly hearing "I am going to hold on cause what I believe is so strong." It's from a Shania Twain song whose true meaning I can't relate to since I wasn't pregnant as a teenager but that one sentence always seems to comfort me when I am making my way through the unknown. A place I journey through often since no matter how many plans I make and how much effort I put into making those plans a reality the road there usually requires me to grow through never before walked on territory and expand my horizons to arrive at a destination exceeding my expectations. This time around the road to my current destination has had more detours and taken longer than I could have ever anticipated but just like the line suggest I am holding on for dear life because what I believe is so strong and as the song continues to say "no matter how long no one can tell I am wrong, I AIN'T GOIN DOWN!" This feeling is a knowing from my gut and where I connect to God for answers not a stubborn I want to be right and not fail feeling. Those are two different feelings and if we listen to ourselves we know which one we are receiving as one comes from ego and one comes from an inexplicable place that aligns in this place with signs and well maybe that is something only I can comprehend. It's worth typing in case you do too. ;-)
I heard a friend recently say nothing lights a fire under your butt like death. I could so relate to that. I walked in this week turned on the TV and found Oprah telling Shania that death is a wake up call at the precise moment I turned it on. The thing about that wake up call is that only those close to the person who passed have their world rocked in a way few can comprehend. I make mistakes and I choose to look at them as lessons I need to grow through. I am no longer a person who likes to reprimand myself for being human and sometimes learning the hard way. I let go of the idea that perfection exists and I wish with all my heart that people realize perfection is not something we should long for or I believe we'd stop being human and growing when perfection was achieved. My humble opinion. Now I simply realize when I make a mistake, take it's lesson and move on because I now more than ever know it's just a mistake not a life altering situation with no solution like death. In my mistakes I learn the depth of my gratitude for life and everything about it.
I can genuinely say that after emotions surface and I face them and deal with them I arrive at a place of gratitude. This week coming from a place of naivete I sent a picture to people that I thought would make them happy only to be told the opposite. I was told in a way that made me angry and enough explicit words came out of my mouth in one morning to last me a lifetime, I hardly ever use them, ;-) and when I was done saying those aloud to my four walls I took a walk with a friend and her baby. In that walk I realized how grateful I am for learning the power of forgiveness. Some of us walk this world with heavy dark shadows looming over us reminding us of how we were wronged at one point or another either in adulthood or childhood. I have lived through things I do not wish upon anyone and yet I have found gratitude for even the darkest harshest of things because being able to face them and forgive them led me to be grateful for choosing to be the opposite of them as having been on the receiving end allowed me a perspective that showed me what I don't want to give or receive. For me seeking vengeance of any sort on any scale is simply not an option. My road and my journey have taught me that FORGIVENESS as hard as it may be to give it in some situations holds far more beautiful power and light than holding on to the negative energy of an unjust situation. I can guarantee you I am beyond grateful I forgave my father which allowed me to speak to him for the first time in twenty-four years. I am grateful I can write that sentence and not the alternative which would have been he left when I was seven and I never saw him or spoke to him again. Trust me forgiveness has more closure than anger ever could.
Why we live certain unjust things may be a question to be pondered with no answer in sight but if like me you are able to see that it lead you to the road you are currently on allowing you to eventually live your way into that answer than perhaps also like me gratitude for everything and everyone becomes your way of life. I am grateful beyond measure because all I have lived and all I see the world growing through teaches me to be. It doesn't take much in this media driven existence to find out that on a daily basis people are suffering and that the human race needs eachother. I am living through somethings these days that I believe are preparing me for something extraordinary something only God and the universe know the outcome of and something only they can make my reality.
I know in my business or in a lot of businesses for that matter egos can sometimes make people believe they hold power over someone and that without them they are nothing. Wait that goes for relationships too. I've crossed paths with people like that in both my personal and professional life and while the heavy energy of their belief may have knocked me down for a little bit when I rose again I rose with gratitude for having learned exactly what I don't want to be to others and how I don't want to be remembered. I also walked away with the very valuable lesson that no one is as powerful as my understanding of God and that no one gets to define me. Trust me on this one because I've seen what God can do when I put all my faith in God even as some people cross my path to remind me that I will fail. I know they are saying they have failed when they took a huge risk and therefore perceive any huge risk as failure. It's not about me. It never is and for learning that I am beyond grateful too. No one has power over me, no one can destroy me and I know this because no matter how challenging the road gets or has been I have always been comforted by my constant companion. One I know can take the weight of my worries and shoulder them like no human being can, God.
Not that friends aren't great listeners because they are. I believe the quality of friends we attract not only says a lot about where we are in life and the lessons we are growing through but if you are as blessed as I am it's definitely God saying God has got your back. I wish I could tell the world my in depth story and that you could see that who you came from and what you learned does not define you. You define you and the ability to break patterns is something I feel necessary in some cases in order to live a life of gratitude. However it can not be done alone. I have read countless books, attended therapy sessions for four years straight something I returned to with the passing of my friend Neil and my birth father, continue to attend Al Anon meetings, and attend a brunch with like minded INDIVIDUALS. I don't shy away from what it takes to lead a life of forgiveness, compassion, love and gratitude but the kind of work you do to live this life in my humble opinion comes organically. At least it does for me because it's the kind of life I want to create for those in my life and those precious angels God has chosen to come through me someday and be of this world and of course their father.
Not having that yet like I had planned has taught me gratitude for when it all comes together on God's time I will be extremely grateful for many reasons but most of all for not giving up my belief that magic can arrive at any moment of any day and that no statistic can stop it from doing so when it's part of God's plan. So my life has become not only about having the faith to trust God's will for me and the ability to carry it out but with that faith allowing my life to teach me about a depth of gratitude no words can describe. A knowing only I can comprehend that this transition I am in will sooner than later come to pass and I will move beyond it. So savoring even what seems like too much to grow through somedays is what I am working on doing these days.
I am grateful I have learned to be grateful for what seems like the simplest things as I continue to risk all I know for a shot at living things only God can dream of for me. A bigger dream than the one I have. After all that is precisely what I believe I am being prepared for right now which is why I have learned to be grateful for how my body knows to function on its own, how my fingers based on memory can type away finding the right letters to compose a word which composes a sentence which eventually becomes this blog! Gratitude for being able to put food on my table with what I love to do even if it's not always one hundred percent the kind I would like to feed my body it is food and this understanding allows me to think of all the people who are struggling or can't food on their table and send them all the love in the world that their faith carries them like it has me. I can't fix the world's problems but I can be of service in many ways locally, which I choose to do. I believe that small things done by a lot of people lead to great accomplishments. Look around with your heart open and using it as your eyes and you will not only find reasons to be grateful but hopefully also reasons to be of service.
To those who have "wronged" me and been part of my unjust destination I thank you for the person I am today I would not be without you reminding me of who I don't want to be. For those who have loved me and left and allowed me to continue a pattern in that moment I thank you for you have walked a road with me whose experiences taught me I needed to find my way to another road where I learned what a friend has so beautifully written that "I am worth the adoration" and I couldn't have done it without knowing the opposite. To everyone who chooses to not believe in me I thank you because you taught me the amazing value those who do hold. To my angels on the other side I thank you for you taught me how precious life and EACH breath is, how precious each angel on this side is and how much I should treasure them. Thank you for sending them my way.
Lastly in the spirit of Mother's day I say to you mama Mercedes Cortazar Ferguson thank you for your beautiful example. You were a single mother of seven and with your example you taught me that with faith anything is possible. I never went without a thing and it is only as an adult that I can comprehend the depth of your bravery, faith, and most of all SACRIFICES for all of us. You worry about me often but I hope someday you can see that I am doing the same thing you did, following your example. The only difference is that the risk I am taking and sacrifices I am making are in regards to the music my heart sings for a dream I am being guided to bring to life in my career not with seven children so like you "I AM GOING TO HOLD ON CAUSE WHAT I BELIEVE IS SO STRONG. NO MATTER HOW LONG NO ONE CAN TELL ME I'M WRONG! I AIN'T GOIN' DOWN!" Like mother like daughter. ;-) Thank you for teaching me by example to trust a God of my understanding. We all have our own individual destiny to fulfill so thank you for allowing all seven of us to be yours. Happy Mother's Day!!
To anyone facing a tough time I send you all the love in the world and may your road lead you to a place where the depth of your gratitude allows compassion, faith, and forgiveness to become your constant companions. May love reign in your heart and triumph over anything that makes you feel anything other than what you are, a BEAUTIFUL child of God.
I heard a friend recently say nothing lights a fire under your butt like death. I could so relate to that. I walked in this week turned on the TV and found Oprah telling Shania that death is a wake up call at the precise moment I turned it on. The thing about that wake up call is that only those close to the person who passed have their world rocked in a way few can comprehend. I make mistakes and I choose to look at them as lessons I need to grow through. I am no longer a person who likes to reprimand myself for being human and sometimes learning the hard way. I let go of the idea that perfection exists and I wish with all my heart that people realize perfection is not something we should long for or I believe we'd stop being human and growing when perfection was achieved. My humble opinion. Now I simply realize when I make a mistake, take it's lesson and move on because I now more than ever know it's just a mistake not a life altering situation with no solution like death. In my mistakes I learn the depth of my gratitude for life and everything about it.
I can genuinely say that after emotions surface and I face them and deal with them I arrive at a place of gratitude. This week coming from a place of naivete I sent a picture to people that I thought would make them happy only to be told the opposite. I was told in a way that made me angry and enough explicit words came out of my mouth in one morning to last me a lifetime, I hardly ever use them, ;-) and when I was done saying those aloud to my four walls I took a walk with a friend and her baby. In that walk I realized how grateful I am for learning the power of forgiveness. Some of us walk this world with heavy dark shadows looming over us reminding us of how we were wronged at one point or another either in adulthood or childhood. I have lived through things I do not wish upon anyone and yet I have found gratitude for even the darkest harshest of things because being able to face them and forgive them led me to be grateful for choosing to be the opposite of them as having been on the receiving end allowed me a perspective that showed me what I don't want to give or receive. For me seeking vengeance of any sort on any scale is simply not an option. My road and my journey have taught me that FORGIVENESS as hard as it may be to give it in some situations holds far more beautiful power and light than holding on to the negative energy of an unjust situation. I can guarantee you I am beyond grateful I forgave my father which allowed me to speak to him for the first time in twenty-four years. I am grateful I can write that sentence and not the alternative which would have been he left when I was seven and I never saw him or spoke to him again. Trust me forgiveness has more closure than anger ever could.
Why we live certain unjust things may be a question to be pondered with no answer in sight but if like me you are able to see that it lead you to the road you are currently on allowing you to eventually live your way into that answer than perhaps also like me gratitude for everything and everyone becomes your way of life. I am grateful beyond measure because all I have lived and all I see the world growing through teaches me to be. It doesn't take much in this media driven existence to find out that on a daily basis people are suffering and that the human race needs eachother. I am living through somethings these days that I believe are preparing me for something extraordinary something only God and the universe know the outcome of and something only they can make my reality.
I know in my business or in a lot of businesses for that matter egos can sometimes make people believe they hold power over someone and that without them they are nothing. Wait that goes for relationships too. I've crossed paths with people like that in both my personal and professional life and while the heavy energy of their belief may have knocked me down for a little bit when I rose again I rose with gratitude for having learned exactly what I don't want to be to others and how I don't want to be remembered. I also walked away with the very valuable lesson that no one is as powerful as my understanding of God and that no one gets to define me. Trust me on this one because I've seen what God can do when I put all my faith in God even as some people cross my path to remind me that I will fail. I know they are saying they have failed when they took a huge risk and therefore perceive any huge risk as failure. It's not about me. It never is and for learning that I am beyond grateful too. No one has power over me, no one can destroy me and I know this because no matter how challenging the road gets or has been I have always been comforted by my constant companion. One I know can take the weight of my worries and shoulder them like no human being can, God.
Not that friends aren't great listeners because they are. I believe the quality of friends we attract not only says a lot about where we are in life and the lessons we are growing through but if you are as blessed as I am it's definitely God saying God has got your back. I wish I could tell the world my in depth story and that you could see that who you came from and what you learned does not define you. You define you and the ability to break patterns is something I feel necessary in some cases in order to live a life of gratitude. However it can not be done alone. I have read countless books, attended therapy sessions for four years straight something I returned to with the passing of my friend Neil and my birth father, continue to attend Al Anon meetings, and attend a brunch with like minded INDIVIDUALS. I don't shy away from what it takes to lead a life of forgiveness, compassion, love and gratitude but the kind of work you do to live this life in my humble opinion comes organically. At least it does for me because it's the kind of life I want to create for those in my life and those precious angels God has chosen to come through me someday and be of this world and of course their father.
Not having that yet like I had planned has taught me gratitude for when it all comes together on God's time I will be extremely grateful for many reasons but most of all for not giving up my belief that magic can arrive at any moment of any day and that no statistic can stop it from doing so when it's part of God's plan. So my life has become not only about having the faith to trust God's will for me and the ability to carry it out but with that faith allowing my life to teach me about a depth of gratitude no words can describe. A knowing only I can comprehend that this transition I am in will sooner than later come to pass and I will move beyond it. So savoring even what seems like too much to grow through somedays is what I am working on doing these days.
I am grateful I have learned to be grateful for what seems like the simplest things as I continue to risk all I know for a shot at living things only God can dream of for me. A bigger dream than the one I have. After all that is precisely what I believe I am being prepared for right now which is why I have learned to be grateful for how my body knows to function on its own, how my fingers based on memory can type away finding the right letters to compose a word which composes a sentence which eventually becomes this blog! Gratitude for being able to put food on my table with what I love to do even if it's not always one hundred percent the kind I would like to feed my body it is food and this understanding allows me to think of all the people who are struggling or can't food on their table and send them all the love in the world that their faith carries them like it has me. I can't fix the world's problems but I can be of service in many ways locally, which I choose to do. I believe that small things done by a lot of people lead to great accomplishments. Look around with your heart open and using it as your eyes and you will not only find reasons to be grateful but hopefully also reasons to be of service.
To those who have "wronged" me and been part of my unjust destination I thank you for the person I am today I would not be without you reminding me of who I don't want to be. For those who have loved me and left and allowed me to continue a pattern in that moment I thank you for you have walked a road with me whose experiences taught me I needed to find my way to another road where I learned what a friend has so beautifully written that "I am worth the adoration" and I couldn't have done it without knowing the opposite. To everyone who chooses to not believe in me I thank you because you taught me the amazing value those who do hold. To my angels on the other side I thank you for you taught me how precious life and EACH breath is, how precious each angel on this side is and how much I should treasure them. Thank you for sending them my way.
Lastly in the spirit of Mother's day I say to you mama Mercedes Cortazar Ferguson thank you for your beautiful example. You were a single mother of seven and with your example you taught me that with faith anything is possible. I never went without a thing and it is only as an adult that I can comprehend the depth of your bravery, faith, and most of all SACRIFICES for all of us. You worry about me often but I hope someday you can see that I am doing the same thing you did, following your example. The only difference is that the risk I am taking and sacrifices I am making are in regards to the music my heart sings for a dream I am being guided to bring to life in my career not with seven children so like you "I AM GOING TO HOLD ON CAUSE WHAT I BELIEVE IS SO STRONG. NO MATTER HOW LONG NO ONE CAN TELL ME I'M WRONG! I AIN'T GOIN' DOWN!" Like mother like daughter. ;-) Thank you for teaching me by example to trust a God of my understanding. We all have our own individual destiny to fulfill so thank you for allowing all seven of us to be yours. Happy Mother's Day!!
To anyone facing a tough time I send you all the love in the world and may your road lead you to a place where the depth of your gratitude allows compassion, faith, and forgiveness to become your constant companions. May love reign in your heart and triumph over anything that makes you feel anything other than what you are, a BEAUTIFUL child of God.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Taking a walk with my father.
Since my father's passing I have been unable to do something that truly feeds my soul, hike. I've been a few times but I can count them on one hand and I used to go at least four times a week. Some people go to church, I hike. I am most connected to my understanding of God when I hike. When Neil passed I was going with a friend to watch the sunrise but when that stopped it became easy for me to find excuses not to go. The truth is that is the only way I can see and speak to Neil and my dad now, in the spiritual realm. Going meant admitting that I wouldn't physically see them again.
Inspired by the most beautiful of brunches Sunday with the most beautiful of people I decided I needed to head back, no excuses. So when I rose Monday morning to find myself feeling ill I was so bummed. I decided to do something I rarely do, which not doing used to cause fights with my ex because he couldn't believe I just wouldn't take medicine when in pain, I took two advil and headed for my hike. As I began I heard myself saying take the road less traveled you will be fine. I had avoided a certain trail because I had rarely gone and I needed or so I felt, be in better shape to hike it. As I began I told myself slowly but surely stop when you need to. I promised myself I would and so I did.
When I would stop I would look out to the gorgeous LA day and realize how grateful I was for being there and how much I missed it! I began to cry and I knew exactly why. I thought what if anyone sees me and than I thought who cares! Then I did something very unexpected I asked my dad to come take a walk with me. As I continued upwards I imagined his arm around me and I leaned my head on his shoulder. Something I never did when he was alive. I continue to believe he can now be a part of my life in ways he never could before. This walk would explain why he was in my dream last night. He was alive, very alive in my dream and for some reason that scared me and woke me. Maybe next time I will stick around past the fear to see what he has to say.
As I reached the top and looked out onto Los Angeles I was grateful for what I was feeling and I let the tears flow. It felt right. The rest of the way I told myself to take it in and be present. Again slowly but surely. I met some great teachers along my hike. Two young men were shouting their conversation and it included talk of drugs etc. taking me completely out of where I was. So they came to teach me to stay in the moment and be still. Most of all, patience! ;-) As I made my way to the end of the trail I stopped where I always do. There is a cliff where I stop and chat with God. As I began to apologize with guilt for my recent lack of trust and being lost and unable to see the signs I heard the following.
"You are not lost, you are exactly where you are supposed to be in faith and trust which is why doubt befriends you less these days. You are trusting that the unknown is leading you towards all the good that awaits you like it has in the past even if the road there has poor visibility. That once again when you are ready, FAITH will meet your FATE. Getting lost is the best thing that can happen because all that means is you are following the signs and allowing the detours to guide you to the road you are meant to be on."
As you can imagine I cried and was grateful my apology was interrupted! As I accepted my truth which had just been reaffirmed to me the winds began to pick up. That is how I feel God and the universe communicate with me. That is how I believe they let me know they hear me but most of all they SEE me. As I made my way down I learned yet again another valuable lesson. Feeling inspired and forgetting how long it had been since I had run my way down the trail, I ran. As I got close to the exit my right thigh began to shout stop, please stop. So I did. My ego would have wanted me to believe that I had failed and would not succeed at finishing like I longed to but I stopped because I knew better. Based on past experiences I had learned that when you will something the road you create brings about frustration as you don't end up where you wanted to, you end up where you willed on your time instead of waiting for God's time.
So I walked, in pain to say the least, the rest of the way down and got to my car right on time and continued about my day right on time, God's time. The most important thing I took from my hike yesterday was my walk with my father, which brings me to this. At the brunch Sunday Jason sang a song that had me in tears. I looked at my friend Nicole and she was in tears too. While he sang the opening verse I thought wouldn't it have been great if my dad could have rescued me. Then that is when the guilt and sternness came in to remind me that is not the kind of father I had, one I hadn't seen since I was seven was what I had. Then I reminded myself that no matter my past, all that matters is now. I deserve to be rescued, which to me means not coming in and fixing things for me but simply coming into my life to hold my hand while I grow through these situations I call life on life's terms.
I was inspired by Jason's song, Josh's words, "you are worth the adoration"
, the couples who expressed their love for one another, and everyone in that room! As I chatted with Jason we spoke of many things but what I remember most is when we spoke of love and how inspired my chat with him left me and how that poured over into the next day leading me to my hike. I told him all the love in that room had renewed my hope. It's true friends. Every detour, no matter how hard the road on that detour is, is leading me to the road I am meant to be on! Being here instead of Texas like I planned is the detour, which became the road that led me to Sunday, which to me is proof that God, the universe, Neil, and my father are coming to my rescue. They are showing me I am worthy by guiding me to a room filled with more love than one can imagine! Thank you Vince and Nicole for taking my hand and leading me there and everyone there thank you for unknowingly coming to my rescue!
Inspired by the most beautiful of brunches Sunday with the most beautiful of people I decided I needed to head back, no excuses. So when I rose Monday morning to find myself feeling ill I was so bummed. I decided to do something I rarely do, which not doing used to cause fights with my ex because he couldn't believe I just wouldn't take medicine when in pain, I took two advil and headed for my hike. As I began I heard myself saying take the road less traveled you will be fine. I had avoided a certain trail because I had rarely gone and I needed or so I felt, be in better shape to hike it. As I began I told myself slowly but surely stop when you need to. I promised myself I would and so I did.
When I would stop I would look out to the gorgeous LA day and realize how grateful I was for being there and how much I missed it! I began to cry and I knew exactly why. I thought what if anyone sees me and than I thought who cares! Then I did something very unexpected I asked my dad to come take a walk with me. As I continued upwards I imagined his arm around me and I leaned my head on his shoulder. Something I never did when he was alive. I continue to believe he can now be a part of my life in ways he never could before. This walk would explain why he was in my dream last night. He was alive, very alive in my dream and for some reason that scared me and woke me. Maybe next time I will stick around past the fear to see what he has to say.
As I reached the top and looked out onto Los Angeles I was grateful for what I was feeling and I let the tears flow. It felt right. The rest of the way I told myself to take it in and be present. Again slowly but surely. I met some great teachers along my hike. Two young men were shouting their conversation and it included talk of drugs etc. taking me completely out of where I was. So they came to teach me to stay in the moment and be still. Most of all, patience! ;-) As I made my way to the end of the trail I stopped where I always do. There is a cliff where I stop and chat with God. As I began to apologize with guilt for my recent lack of trust and being lost and unable to see the signs I heard the following.
"You are not lost, you are exactly where you are supposed to be in faith and trust which is why doubt befriends you less these days. You are trusting that the unknown is leading you towards all the good that awaits you like it has in the past even if the road there has poor visibility. That once again when you are ready, FAITH will meet your FATE. Getting lost is the best thing that can happen because all that means is you are following the signs and allowing the detours to guide you to the road you are meant to be on."
As you can imagine I cried and was grateful my apology was interrupted! As I accepted my truth which had just been reaffirmed to me the winds began to pick up. That is how I feel God and the universe communicate with me. That is how I believe they let me know they hear me but most of all they SEE me. As I made my way down I learned yet again another valuable lesson. Feeling inspired and forgetting how long it had been since I had run my way down the trail, I ran. As I got close to the exit my right thigh began to shout stop, please stop. So I did. My ego would have wanted me to believe that I had failed and would not succeed at finishing like I longed to but I stopped because I knew better. Based on past experiences I had learned that when you will something the road you create brings about frustration as you don't end up where you wanted to, you end up where you willed on your time instead of waiting for God's time.
So I walked, in pain to say the least, the rest of the way down and got to my car right on time and continued about my day right on time, God's time. The most important thing I took from my hike yesterday was my walk with my father, which brings me to this. At the brunch Sunday Jason sang a song that had me in tears. I looked at my friend Nicole and she was in tears too. While he sang the opening verse I thought wouldn't it have been great if my dad could have rescued me. Then that is when the guilt and sternness came in to remind me that is not the kind of father I had, one I hadn't seen since I was seven was what I had. Then I reminded myself that no matter my past, all that matters is now. I deserve to be rescued, which to me means not coming in and fixing things for me but simply coming into my life to hold my hand while I grow through these situations I call life on life's terms.
I was inspired by Jason's song, Josh's words, "you are worth the adoration"
, the couples who expressed their love for one another, and everyone in that room! As I chatted with Jason we spoke of many things but what I remember most is when we spoke of love and how inspired my chat with him left me and how that poured over into the next day leading me to my hike. I told him all the love in that room had renewed my hope. It's true friends. Every detour, no matter how hard the road on that detour is, is leading me to the road I am meant to be on! Being here instead of Texas like I planned is the detour, which became the road that led me to Sunday, which to me is proof that God, the universe, Neil, and my father are coming to my rescue. They are showing me I am worthy by guiding me to a room filled with more love than one can imagine! Thank you Vince and Nicole for taking my hand and leading me there and everyone there thank you for unknowingly coming to my rescue!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Letting the grief be.
When my six week therapy session ended last week Kate mentioned once again that I should come to group therapy. I stayed away from group therapy because after seeing the trailer for Rabbit Hole I felt like the last thing I could handle was a room of people feeling the same pain I did. All grieving the loss of loved ones. How depressing! However at her request I had tried one session only to find no one there the prior week. I had forgotten it was every two weeks. So as our session ended last week she asked me to try again this week and so tonight I did.
I took last week as a sign that maybe I couldn't commit to twelve weeks right now as my work needs my attention but as usual something kept nagging at me to go today. I know myself well enough to know that if I don't listen to myself I regret it. I have learned to trust myself and my gut instinct. While the fear of too much sadness and pain in one room tried to keep me away my gut knew I needed to be there for what I gained tonight was far more precious than I could have imagined.
Kate concluded at the end of our session last week that what was very present for me was the need to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally. Most of all to be accepted for who I am. Without getting too personal of course it was traced back to my father leaving when I was young. Something I thought I'd dealt with in my first go at therapy in 2002 only to find it resurface with his passing. With Neil the only friend I had in common was no longer a friend when Neil passed so I was left to mourn alone. When my dad passed because of the circumstances I was left to mourn him alone as well. I had been the only one to speak to him in the family two years ago and twenty-four years after he left. No one in my family could identify with what I was feeling. While some of my friends got to know Neil on our last shoot no one knew him like I did therefore making it difficult for them to comprehend my pain. All my friends have done an AMAZING job at being there for me but not one could look me in the eye and see what people saw tonight.
As you may know I don't believe in coincidences. All of us in the group tonight who had lost our fathers, had seen them pass in January. Some January of last year, some of this year like me but all of them in January. Sitting there in the circle I understood why Kate had asked me to go and why I had felt the urge to overcome my fear of the room being depressing and just show up and let it be. That is what I received the most tonight. A place to just let it be, where all of us could comprehend each other's anger, sadness, and fears. Someone would speak of denial and we would all shake our heads in agreement. Someone would speak of still being able to feel the person's presence and we would shake our heads in agreement. I was finally getting what I longed for, a place to let myself be and others in the room knew exactly what I felt and why I felt it.
The thought of it sounds crazy with all that lies ahead for me in the coming months but I've decided to commit to the twelve week session. Only God knows what lies ahead but Kate was right went she told me last week as our sessions ended, "Your grief won't be gone Adriana, it will now take a different form". While it no longer overwhelms me I am beyond grateful that I now have a place where I can go and just let it be.
This was our closing poem tonight and I thought you should see it. I've reached the second half of the poem since it's been six months since Neil's passing and three months since my father's. Some days I do feel extremely guilty that I am still here LIVING but sometimes I wonder if they aren't the lucky ones. Maybe they are in a place far more magical than this one. For now I am just grateful that slowly I am learning that, It's alright to LOVE AGAIN! I know my heart will break again but I also know there isn't anything I can't grow through as life is constantly teaching me.
For those of you who can't read tiny writing see below. ;-)
WHEN YOU ARE BEREAVED, IT IS ALRIGHT TO ...
Scream in the shower; yell in the car;
Howl at the moon; cry anywhere you like;
Misplace your glasses; lose the car;
Forget your own name;
Put milk in the cupboard, toilet paper in the refrigerator and ice cream in the oven;
Beat up a pillow; stomp on the ground;
Throw stones in a lake; change grocery stores if it hurts;
Wear one black shoe and one navy; have tear stains on your tie;
Eat French fries for breakfast, toast for lunch and peanut butter for dinner (as long as you can eat);
Write her a letter or bake him a cake.
Celebrate her life on her birthday;
Talk to your pets (they understand);
Leave his room the way it is for as long as you like;
Say her name just to hear the sound;
Talk about him to others. Tell loved ones what you need;
Say no when you feel like it; cancel plans if you want,
and Have a bad day.
AND ONE DAY WHEN YOU'RE READY, IT'S ALRIGHT TO ...
Laugh again; Dance and feel good;
Have a good time;
Look forward to tomorrow
Sing in the shower;
Smile at a friend's new baby;
Wear make-up once more;
Go for a day, a week - and even a month without crying;
Celebrate the holidays;
Forgive those who failed you;
Learn something new;
Look at her pictures and remember with happiness, no pain;
Go on with your life;
And cherish the memories.
And one day when it's time,
it's all right to love again.
- Vicki Tushingham
I took last week as a sign that maybe I couldn't commit to twelve weeks right now as my work needs my attention but as usual something kept nagging at me to go today. I know myself well enough to know that if I don't listen to myself I regret it. I have learned to trust myself and my gut instinct. While the fear of too much sadness and pain in one room tried to keep me away my gut knew I needed to be there for what I gained tonight was far more precious than I could have imagined.
Kate concluded at the end of our session last week that what was very present for me was the need to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally. Most of all to be accepted for who I am. Without getting too personal of course it was traced back to my father leaving when I was young. Something I thought I'd dealt with in my first go at therapy in 2002 only to find it resurface with his passing. With Neil the only friend I had in common was no longer a friend when Neil passed so I was left to mourn alone. When my dad passed because of the circumstances I was left to mourn him alone as well. I had been the only one to speak to him in the family two years ago and twenty-four years after he left. No one in my family could identify with what I was feeling. While some of my friends got to know Neil on our last shoot no one knew him like I did therefore making it difficult for them to comprehend my pain. All my friends have done an AMAZING job at being there for me but not one could look me in the eye and see what people saw tonight.
As you may know I don't believe in coincidences. All of us in the group tonight who had lost our fathers, had seen them pass in January. Some January of last year, some of this year like me but all of them in January. Sitting there in the circle I understood why Kate had asked me to go and why I had felt the urge to overcome my fear of the room being depressing and just show up and let it be. That is what I received the most tonight. A place to just let it be, where all of us could comprehend each other's anger, sadness, and fears. Someone would speak of denial and we would all shake our heads in agreement. Someone would speak of still being able to feel the person's presence and we would shake our heads in agreement. I was finally getting what I longed for, a place to let myself be and others in the room knew exactly what I felt and why I felt it.
The thought of it sounds crazy with all that lies ahead for me in the coming months but I've decided to commit to the twelve week session. Only God knows what lies ahead but Kate was right went she told me last week as our sessions ended, "Your grief won't be gone Adriana, it will now take a different form". While it no longer overwhelms me I am beyond grateful that I now have a place where I can go and just let it be.
This was our closing poem tonight and I thought you should see it. I've reached the second half of the poem since it's been six months since Neil's passing and three months since my father's. Some days I do feel extremely guilty that I am still here LIVING but sometimes I wonder if they aren't the lucky ones. Maybe they are in a place far more magical than this one. For now I am just grateful that slowly I am learning that, It's alright to LOVE AGAIN! I know my heart will break again but I also know there isn't anything I can't grow through as life is constantly teaching me.
For those of you who can't read tiny writing see below. ;-)WHEN YOU ARE BEREAVED, IT IS ALRIGHT TO ...
Scream in the shower; yell in the car;
Howl at the moon; cry anywhere you like;
Misplace your glasses; lose the car;
Forget your own name;
Put milk in the cupboard, toilet paper in the refrigerator and ice cream in the oven;
Beat up a pillow; stomp on the ground;
Throw stones in a lake; change grocery stores if it hurts;
Wear one black shoe and one navy; have tear stains on your tie;
Eat French fries for breakfast, toast for lunch and peanut butter for dinner (as long as you can eat);
Write her a letter or bake him a cake.
Celebrate her life on her birthday;
Talk to your pets (they understand);
Leave his room the way it is for as long as you like;
Say her name just to hear the sound;
Talk about him to others. Tell loved ones what you need;
Say no when you feel like it; cancel plans if you want,
and Have a bad day.
AND ONE DAY WHEN YOU'RE READY, IT'S ALRIGHT TO ...
Laugh again; Dance and feel good;
Have a good time;
Look forward to tomorrow
Sing in the shower;
Smile at a friend's new baby;
Wear make-up once more;
Go for a day, a week - and even a month without crying;
Celebrate the holidays;
Forgive those who failed you;
Learn something new;
Look at her pictures and remember with happiness, no pain;
Go on with your life;
And cherish the memories.
And one day when it's time,
it's all right to love again.
- Vicki Tushingham
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