"You think you got the best of me. You think you got the last laugh. Bet you think that everything good is gone. Think you left me broken down. Think that I'd come running back. Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong." "You didn't think that I'd come back. I'd come back swinging." I'd hate to admit it but for a while you had me doubting not if I'd come back but just how powerful my swing could be and if I could stop telling myself the story of last year, other than in the edit bay for the documentary, and LIVE in the now, life AFTER loss.
As you witnessed this morning I finally deciphered the signs! Yet again I feel like I am dreaming just like I did the first time GLAMOUR called me to tell me I was a finalist for the Toyota Moving Forward Award. The same way I felt again when I saw my name just as I had envisioned for months as it appeared when I was named the winner of Paulo Coelh's The Experimental Witch International Film Competition. And of course the way I felt as I was getting ready to walk the red carpet in Rome with Paulo Coelho at our film's premiere and I looked up and said to God, "You, you did it again." And well God did it again and you dearest darkness have got to go.
It's time to watch the storm clouds that descend with your arrival, ascend with your departure and it's time to showcase the light the sun brings on God's time with this END (Entirely New Direction) and to welcome the new beginning I have deciphered the END of my documentary will birth. You have served your purpose and without you I wouldn't be able to call the miracle unfolding before my eyes a miracle, so THANK YOU for showing me the way back to my inner light and gifting me with the willingness to choose it over you.
As you know these past few days we met in the battlefield and you came heavily armed when I was most vulnerable, at night, and attacked. I would wake and remind you of my faith while I clutched my LOVE pillow tightly. The light aka God will let us both know it's got it and when I woke up today and deciphered the signs, lack of clarity did not afford me during your stay, I got what all the signs peaced (intended) together meant. It became very clear.
As it did I am sure to your dismay you heard the OMG!!!!, and witnessed my countless smile followed by my dance to magic. Yes this is the part of the relationship that is always hard to do but in my case easy to accept, it's time to part ways. Before we do I would like to say thank you for showing me once again, who I am, what I am made of, who I am not and just how much I can bend without breaking. Most of all how beautiful it is to arrive at this journey's destination, the sunshine conviction brings and watch the storm clouds of doubt become a thing of the past.
It's time once again to part ways so as I bid you farewell I thank you for teaching me how not to give up!
I thank you for teaching me how live beyond my fears!
And accept the magic that can only be born from learning that life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain. I've done that and NOW it's time to dance in the magic of "God's gifts putting dreams to shame." YOU know exactly what I mean.
Yesterday was an amazing day for me. I got to try something new that scared me immensely but given all I have lived this past year I know there isn't much I can't handle when it comes to overcoming fear. Sometimes it takes me longer than I would like but in that I learn patience. I don't just get patience magically, I am put in scenarios, which help me acquire it. It seems to be happening a lot lately. Yesterday I had to be really patient with myself and I was in awe of how patient my teacher was.
This young man once upon a time used to hold my hand and I would take him to get hot chocolate and skateboard in the neighborhood. He was eleven and I was nineteen. While he has an amazing mom I felt very protective of him like a mom would. Always making sure he wouldn't hurt himself or others. I could have never imagined that one day he would make a living at skateboarding professionally or that I would ask him to teach me how. Once upon a time I got on a skateboard and fell right off as it took off without me. I vowed never to get on one again. Same thing happened with skiing. I fell. Pretty hard. My brother played the ski right by me tough love game and yelled at me to get up. Needless to say I got up, made it down, and never skied again. That is why yesterday's lesson will remain with me forever in the best of ways.
I fell and I fell hard. The kind of falling that scares you and others. So much so that my teacher, PRod (as he goes by now), thought I wouldn't continue. However this time when I fell not only had I already fallen a lot in a lot of ways in the last year, my teacher got me back up with love. I laid there until I felt like I could move. Once I did I slowly got up and got back on the board. To be honest I kinda don't want to watch the playback of the fall. If it looks like how it felt it wasn't pretty. I am blessed to say the least. It has been years since I had fallen skiing and years since any sort of fear has paralyzed me and kept me from moving forward. So as everyone patiently waited I made my way back on the board and kept going at it for two more hours. I fell, got back up, rested, got frustrated, fell again, ran from the board as it chased me (which looks as funny as it sounds) and in the end I mastered the tricks Paulie, as I have called him since he was a kid, taught me.
It took effort and in the end I smelled of my conquered fear as I informed Paulie as he went to hug me for my accomplishments. He told me that after the fall, which took place right away, he didn't think I'd get back on the board and that I had done more than he expected. You are talking about someone who rode a skateboard for the first time in her life not only at thirty-five but a professional's skate park. Ramps and all. How far did I go and just what did I accomplish? Well for that you will have to see "And She Danced, Life after loss." I will tell you this, the entire experience was a metaphor for my life and especially my past year.
As Paulie told me "skateboarding is all about allowing your body to guide you not your mind", just as it is in dancing. If you get ahead of the tempo you will leave the board behind like I did or you will force yourself to lead instead of allowing your teacher to do so. Valuable lessons I have learned first hand. I did master the art of falling gracefully. I would have taught Paulie that but he would have needed to go backwards in his training. ;-) This is the same guidance I must listen to when it comes to life. Yes I will fall but if my heart is open to what my intuition is saying to me in the soft whispers that are stronger than the loud sounds of the negative committee (False Evidence Appearing Real) I will surely stand once again on time, God's time, armed with enough faith to feel the fear and do it anyway. I did it and I lived to tell about it. GRATEFUL I conquered the fear of falling! In that fall came the biggest lesson of all, standing is a choice I can make if I can truly trust beyond what I can see.
I chose not to see his work before skating with him, although his mom and dad have told me about it, as to not scare myself more. After I road with him and saw his videos tonight I can honestly say skateboarding is an art! I have so much respect for anyone who can just get on the board and stay on it. For me it was mostly about balance. Just like in my life. Please do not skate without protective gear. It saved my life. Enjoy PRod's amazing work!
The falls. ;-) "It's the experience paid by all the mistakes. It's the heart to get up and try again."
As for me I will keep going beyond the fear through the unknown and into the i'mpossible! I will keep dancing to the rhythm God and the universe provide me with in their beautiful piece written just for me, falls and all. It's worth repeating that "what doesn't KILL you makes you STRONGER!"
I am finally home again. I've been back in Los Angeles for two months now but had not slept in my own bed. The idea of crashing at my storage wasn't appealing. So I set out on a journey that took less than it felt to lead me to where I rest today but in that brief time brought amazing lessons.
There were definitely more moments of doubt than I would like to recall but they were outdone by the people who crossed my path to shed light on the darkness doubt carries. That which I allowed into my life and I grateful I did. Upon reflecting I can tell you that doubt's visits become shorter and shorter as I grown in and towards the light. In simple terms for me the light is love. It can show up in many ways and conditionally or unconditionally. Both are beautiful and for me it has become about being okay with which one I want to be surrounded with constantly.
I was having a conversation with someone and they said when you are creative and you aren't famous or rich you sacrifice things. I think that in actuality you understand things hold no true meaning of depth on this journey. Not for me at least. That is the biggest lesson I acquired in the past year. I thought I knew this clearly but it became more clear. I chose to downgrade apartment size and I now have one fourth of what I had. This means that a lot of things had to go.
Someone told me they were surprised at how easily I let it all go in December when I had to be out of my apartment. I may like things, I may want my place nicely decorated but nothing owns me. It's like my mom taught us growing up. It's not about the thing but about the person who owns the thing. Things being car, home, clothes etc. So when the time came to let go of most of my possessions I did. I had no problem. I stored only the basics and as I move into my new place more boxes sit by the front door waiting to be released.
Life has taught me to value my opinion the most and I am proud of myself for how I see all this. To me in order to get to grand things I must come from a place of simplicity where there is a genuine understanding that the home, car, job, and partner are not my happiness. That how I choose to live with or without those things and what I derive from them is up to me but happiness is my ability to be grateful for what is and not what I wish. I am grateful that my journey is about understanding this because now as grand things descend once more and I have grown, I will let them in and out of my life with ease knowing that when I seize to exist all that will matter will be the experiences I shared with you. Not the car I drove in, the job we worked together, the things we shared but simply the space we lived in while we crossed paths.
I am humbled, I am grateful, and once more as God and the universe know I am genuinely ready! Genuinely part is pretty big as I have learned and the spiritual path takes work. Work I am more than happy to oblige to. Here I grow again and as I do it's not hard for me to love you God and universe! Through each lesson, through each crossed path, through every synchronicity I see the love I feel and trust is there come to life. Grandness is in how we see things. I see you.
Yesterday as I walked down the aisle at Wal Mart, a store I discovered was in the area that day and which puts me in El Paso as soon as I enter bringing beautiful memories of my youth rushing back, a man started talking to me. He started by asking me how far along I was. Considering how hot it has been in LA these past few days I have been sporting my favorite outfit, leggings sandals and a loose preggers looking dress. Did I fault him? No. I simply pulled my dress tight and replied I am not but I am looking forward to it someday. Creating life that is and watching my temple perform a miracle right before my eyes. He smiled and as our conversation continued he asked if I was trying to conceive. I was able to stand there with a stranger and have a personal conversation because of the work I have been doing lately with Ryan Weiss, my spiritual counselor, who oh so gently is reminding me of the woman/spirit I am. Helping me get stronger through love.
The "stranger" Peter, who informed me he was no saint or angel so please don't call him Saint Peter, must have been in his seventies. He told me of all the countries he had visited and all the languages he spoke. As we began to speak Spanish he asked me about my lover. "Is he fluent like you?", he asked. I replied no, well actually yes. This is where it got tricky for me. I then began to answer questions as if he existed and while I am sure he does he is not romantically in my life. I chose to see my belief in his existence as part of the manifestation. Just like with my productions I have begun to apply those beliefs and principles to my love life. Peter told me it was a pleasure speaking and that it was sad how nowadays people didn't talk to eachother anymore. I agreed but what I didn't say was that at first I was briefly hesitant towards his kindness allowing my ego to confuse it with wanting something from me other than connection through words. Returning to love I was made aware that it was simply a child of God wanting to converse.
He made me realize that with this home change happening in the spring I can also feel a new season of love in my life happening, all kinds of love. Peter taught me that I have to remain open to it like I did him in order to receive it. I am blessed to have Mr. Weiss to guide me when I can't see that I may not be as open as I think. I can see the love I feel in the air in so many ways and it's in the loss that I am rediscovering it. When it comes to love between two lovers I am old fashioned and it's a part of me I embrace. Letters sent in calligraphy pen through snail mail and sealed with wax are my favorite. I also love to make the paper look old by burning it. A trick my friend Areli passed on. I am no stranger to romance, it's who I am. "Say I'm a bird. Say it." ;-) So it's not that I try to be but I realize that when someone introduces themselves with "hey baby girl I can take care of both you and me if you know what I mean?", perhaps I shut down. That encounter was followed by today's following me around the store till he had the courage to hand me a piece of paper with all his info. Very brave I may say. I know what it takes I did a similar thing not too long ago. It takes courage to show your love. Yet in all this I can clearly see LOVE telling me it's okay to LOVE again. That all my heart is, is open as it's broken and therefore all that can occur are rays of light shining through with endless possibilities.
I shouldn't say never but rarely have I encountered such opportunities like I have in the last few weeks or maybe I have but I wasn't open. I see the change within me and my trust opening my heart slowly but surely towards these endless possibilities. I know a love so pure and unconditional I was guided by God and the universe to set it and all my hopes free and in doing so I opened the door once more. Doesn't mean I no longer love it simply means I trust the plan. God's plan. That is what letting go means to me. Being faith in action and trusting that God has my back and is always preparing for the best no matter the journey. Quite frankly I see the beauty in mine, past year and all. The love I deserve is always unfolding before my eyes and surrounding me. Something made very apparent to me while putting together the credits of my documentary. I AM LOVED! IMMENSELY!
Lots of change is happening and the shift is occurring. Who I once was, where I lived and what I believed is all growing towards the light into a new dawn and onto the next level where the stories that held me back are as Ryan constantly reminds me "in the past". I am open to this new dawn crossing my path with a letter writing gent who can express himself while looking into my eyes. Internet is easy and practical but there is nothing like an eye to eye connection as I consider it the window to the soul, so no online dating for me. A gent who is guided by God and the universe and carefully woven into the tapestry of my life and into my heart with authenticity. Till then I feel the love in the air in so MANY ways! A love, which is slowly descending itself into my life blossoming with the flowers spring brings. There is no coincidence that I move into my new place next month in the spring. I am no stranger to a new dawn, a new day or how good it feels to stop telling myself a story of the past and start LIVING in this moment. God you know how I feel. ;-) Here's one of my favorite, classy gents. "It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a NEW LIFE AND I AM FEELING GOOD."
This past with all this loss as usual was for a reason and guided me back to myself since I was never gone. As Ryan reminds me "you weren't because spirit is always present." I was just tired and yet I found it in me to get up everyday and oh so gently put one foot in front of the other and try my best. One thing I knew for sure is God was and is always with me. How else would I know all the love I know? From Saint, don't call me Saint, Peter to you to my AMAZING friends, to most recently Ryan. Thank God I had a longing for the Makepeace Brothers soul healing sounds and made it out to the show where my path crossed with Ryan's. Timing is everything!
As lost as my ego may want to make me feel sometimes I trust that I am always exactly where I am in order to grow towards the light. That is always the direction I grow in. Just like a tree I need it in order to breathe and exist in this magical place called Planet Earth. I am so grateful for getting "lost" in the loss as it took me once again in an entirely new direction to my oasis of love as I have dubbed my new home. A journey which as usual is birthing my art. My new home is founded on the principle of unconditional love and based on the lessons of the past year, WHAT TRULY MATTERS. Trust me when I say it isn't things that possess you so you can be possessed by a job in order to be possessed by those things and seen in the way we are taught we need to be seen. Since this existence is temporary there really is no need for things. All I need to get stronger is love. I am on my way. I am in no rush. The trailer of my documentary, which depicts this journey springs into my life in March along with everything else. For my ability to weather the storm and dance in the rain towards the light I AM GRATEFUL. As well as for all the loves you helped me weather it and even danced with me in the rain.
This song is for you darkness. You didn't really think I'd ever reside with you for long did you? Didn't intend to all but some loss carries pain with it that can trick my ego into believing that which is never gone, love aka the light, is gone. One step at a day one day at a time I'm getting stronger. It's all coming back to me and I am coming back, stronger. I love you for leading to towards the light without you I wouldn't know how AMAZING it feels to be surrounded and filled with light. To all of you, may your loss allow you see the love that is always in the air. Happy SPRING! It's a new season and with comes what I am living proof of, "what doesn't kill you makes you STRONGER!"
P.S. Here is a sneak peek at all our "hard work" for the dance that accompanies "And She Danced, Life after loss", maybe. You be the judge. What this is for sure is one of my greatest loves!
Tomorrow is the day that makes some people so excited to receive it and unwrap its gifts and the same day that causes some stress. My sister owns a flower shop,Mercedes Flowers, in Austin. I assume she may be one of the stressed ones. ;-) I am a sucker for love. Always have been. I was the little girl that watched Beauty and the Beast and dreamt of the day I would wear that yellow dress and dance with my beast. If you have seen the film you know once he let his light shine he wasn't a beast at all. I mean pre end transformation. Things are never quite what they seem. ;-) Yes I saw it when it was re released this year. ;-)
You could say I was born to love. I believe we all are. From the moment we arrive we receive it as we are held with love in the arms of our parents. I do realize not everyone has that gift upon arrival and that certain upbringings can make love confusing. What it is, how to give it, receive it etc.? I have been on a journey to understand love as I see it since then and continue to be on it now. What I saw growing up and assumed was love is not my understanding of love now. I have so much faith in there being a plan for all of us if we can have the patience to let it unfold that I have come to clearly understand that what is meant to happen no one can stop from happening and what is not you can't for the life of you force to happen. Quite frankly who wants to force love? Let's face it at one point or another we all may have. ;-) That is what I believe can cause confusion of what love is. Advertisers, movies and songs can have you believing that love should be fought for. That you should make someone see you and that it should hurt.
If that was love then I would sit it out but I have had the fortune of living a life full of wonderful journeys that have taught me otherwise. I had been thinking about my ex a lot yesterday as he broke up with me two days before Valentine's a few years back. We tried to stay friends but there was too much pain still present. We aren't friends now as we were before we were a couple but I did reach out to him to let him know how grateful I was that he had loved me enough to let me go. Whether he was aware of that or not that is ultimately what he did. He set me free so I could find the love I deserved and in the process gifted himself the same. There's no point in hashing the past but it was clear how incompatible we were. It was like MTV dating PBS. ;-) Whether he knew it or not he did what one of my favorite love songs (when you love a woman) suggests, "Give her wings when she needs to fly," and that is what I see as love. The ability to let someone go and wish them well.
Is it always what you want or easy? Maybe not but for me if you love someone, anyone- friend, family, lover and you want their happiness you set them free and in doing so you allow so much for yourself. You allow the ultimate kind of love to exist, unconditional. Tomorrow may be sold as a couple's day but I don't believe that for one bit. If we are love, were created in love and born to love then why would we limit it to love between two people in a romantic sense? To me tomorrow and everyday for that matter is about love for yourself and therefore everyone. Don't get me wrong. I am a sucker for a great love song and I happen to be hooked on my pandora Celine Dion station where all the best love songs play. Yes of course I dream of the day someone can look into my eyes see me and love me as this song says "Just they way you are." Everyone deserves to have someone see that in them. Life is too short to be asked to be someone else. Hold out for this and you will live no conditions in love.
But if like me tomorrow no one is sending you roses, candy or cards may I suggest opening your eyes to all the love that is already around instead of focusing on what is not in your life. Cheryl Richardson suggested buying cards and writing "you are loved" on them and putting them on strangers cars on their windshield, in a book at the library etc. When I go to my p.o. box I will try to insert some there. Get creative! Like me I hope you are able to see that yes while having someone hold you close that loves you just the way you are is an AMAZING feeling it is not the only way to love. Love is all around. You have friends? You are loved! That is just one example and the ways to see it are endless. I hope tomorrow and always you can open your heart to the possibilities of how it can and does show up in your life! I hope you love yourself enough to accept only unconditional love and nothing else. I hope when you look up, outside, within and all around you see it in you, in the sunrise, in your breath, a strangers timely helping hand, a friend's smile, a child laughter, your car that takes you places, the roof over your head and then some. Love as I see it is your ability to be grateful for what is and now what we are sold should be. A new day is always waiting to shine light into the darkness if you allow it to. I hope you do! Happy LOVE day...and year! <3
I am fascinated by my body's ability to communicate with me. It was in doing this morning's yoga workout dvd that I realized how off balance I am. I wasn't completely shocked. I have been in the dance studio non-stop dancing my way through the storm of loss while preparing the closing of my documentary and it's not the pirouettes or split in the air I can't do, it's keeping my balance. When I began to practice the Russian split as soon as I came down from it I would fall to my knees. Lack of balance. Within a week I stopped falling. When I began doing the complicated quick turns that have me going in and out of God's (my teacher's- you'll see) arms I would loose my balance entirely. I would get very frustrated with myself and the lessons began to show themselves.
I remember after one rehearsal turning the camera off and apologizing to my teacher for being a disappointment, his expression reminded me that if it's "hysterical" it's historical, meaning nothing to do with the present. I never forgot the ridicule my American of Dramatic Arts teacher put me through in the middle of the entire class as she grabbed my chair in the middle of the room slammed it down and said "I can't hear you." Pre-therapy and Al Anon of course. I was twenty-one. I remember leaving the room shocked and calling my private acting coach crying saying this wasn't how she was going to get the best out of me. I passed the final exam in that class with flying colors. She had paired me up with the shyest girl in class and I was shy too so she doomed us. So she thought. When the exam took place and the titanic began to sink I strapped on my life vest, what little tools I had then, jumped ship and swam to shore. Basically I improvised my way through the scene saving both her and I as best as I could then. In part thanks to my classmate John Schaffer whose words after the ridicule in class I will never forget, "If she didn't see potential in you she wouldn't talk to you that way."
That's what is happening now and when I apologized to my teacher he looked at me in disbelief. I told him I was disappointed in myself and that was when I saw another lesson reveal itself once again. I am learning to be less hard on myself...yet again. It was in that apology that I realized as I spoke those words that I was speaking from the committee. Everyone but me who has ever been hard on my acting, dancing, producing etc. Honestly how could I expect myself to have perfect balance after years of not dancing this way but simply keeping a dance class routine schedule. Nothing outside the ordinary. Did I think I would dance the way I did when I was in training full time as a child? That would be a pretty high expectation! After all aren't I the one who tells others an expectation is a pre meditated resentment? It applies to me too.
Ahhhh...and breathe. The answer lies in the balancing. I haven't for a while been balancing in my life like I would like to think I have and it's okay. The most important thing is awareness and the ability to make a change. This yoga workout this morning from my friend Mandy's dvd, Yogalosophy, which I highly recommend if you want your body to grow, kicked my butt. Why? Lack of balance. I threw myself back into it and dancing without the proper breathing to help me balance. Lack of proper breathing in my life lets me forget that all this loss takes time to heal and all the emotions it brought shouldn't be gone overnight. By the way I should mention her yoga philosophy is toning and breathing so it is not your typical class. Although I do feel no yoga class is easy as people may think. My teacher Patrice at Creekside Wellness in Topanga Canyon also kicks my body's butt. Why? Again, balance. I can't throw myself into things without working my way slowly into them and epxect perfection. Yes I have the main tool, a body with willingness and flexibility but I can't expect myself to be Mandy, Patrice or Jerry (my dance teacher) when it comes my capabilities as I am starting all over again. I am not in constant practice like them.
Why? Well you guessed it. I was off balance and God and the universe saw it and catapulted me into a change in my life where every action is a metaphor for the balance I have had to learn to strike. My life went from being an independent woman who lived alone for eleven years to having to share space with different friends and finally a roommate overnight. In every scenario I got to practice the art of balance. When to give them their space, when to have a voice and claim mine so I am not a doormat and when to let go. Same goes for my body. When do I push it beyond what I believe it can do, when do I rest and when do I let go? I am learning all this and will always be a work in progress. My life is about progress not perfection.
I have my moments when I forget that but when I make the choice I return to my center by taking a hike, going to a meeting or seeking solace in dance I remember it all. All my tools are there for me to not only learn the art of balancing with but to learn letting go, trusting, forgiving, believing in the unseen and many more things as long as I can keep my heart open to the signals my body sends, which I am seeing are metaphors for my life. I will go into the dance studio today hoping for and working for balance by centering myself in my core and enlongating my spine. I will expect nothing but what I can give today seeking progress not perfection. I will take that as a blessing realizing that where I am is exactly where I should be in order to GROW in the direction of the miracle my body, my core, my faith in conjunction with God and the universe are producing through my body for my life. I will do as Emerson suggested, "Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience" and patiently live my way from off balance to balance through the lessons I am receiving right on time. God's time, because as I am learning, I AM WORTH IT! Should life cross our paths I hope you can dance with me to whatever rhythm we both embody and I hope we can learn to from each other the art of balance and where happiness truly stems from, within.
And when we are done dancing won't you breathe with me? It's just the beginning of a magical year!
I've had a rough past couple of days, which actually consisted of me getting sick. Sick in a way I hadn't been in a long time and something that I am blessed enough to know was due to the fact that I wasn't taking care of myself. When some sort of boundary isn't being drawn by me and I allow myself to be in a situation that is not the best for me my body lets me know. I have been able to make the connection thanks to a program that as of January, I have been a member of for ten years. A program which through out the years has given me the tools to face all I have been facing.
It was in walking into the room on Sunday where this program meeting takes place and after throwing up repeatedly Saturday night and having to go to a friend's to have her take care of me that I realized how blessed I am to a member of Al Anon. Ten years ago I walked into those rooms because a bad relationship where I put myself last led me there. Ten years later after not being consistent with my meetings for the past couple of months and after forgetting to take care of myself by not drawing a boundary I walked in to find myself grateful for the past ten years and my growth. Most of all for my ability to recognize when I am not taking care of myself. While sitting there I was able to see how much I have grown thanks to this program.
Ten years ago I walked in devastated because I couldn't make a man and relationship what I wanted it and him to be. Ten years later I walked in sad at my circumstance but not devastated. I walked in with a knowledge I didn't have then, all is as it should be. As I sat there Sunday I not only saw how much I've grown but how much I continue to learn. When I was twenty-five not making a man what I wanted seemed like the end of the world and now at thirty-five loosing my dad, friend, home, film and commercial are a very sad circumstance but all part of the plan as I see it. A plan that yes sometimes I wish I could change but a plan these rooms have taught me to trust. In that trust lies the magic that is born of the unknown by choosing to stay present.
It was in coming here and being told about a God of my understanding that my relationship with God became what is today. Like most people who believe I have no definite answer on what God is or where it is but what I do know is that I have come to understand that God is within me, with me at all times and whatever I believe it to be. So for me God is unconditional love, life, everything beautiful and what helps me get through everything that is not so beautiful and yet still in some ways beautiful because out of that darkness comes an appreciation for light. Being raised Catholic introduced me to God. Becoming a member of al anon gave me a God of my understanding.
Having a God of my understanding is one of the greatest gifts ever! One that as I trace back I see what I have come to have a clear understanding of, in due time of all my circumstances, death aside, lead to something and are as they should be. If that man I had wanted to change had not called glued to his car window after another drunk night for me to come get him and if I had not gone to get him I wouldn't have hit the rock bottom I did while I washed his dirty boxers at the hospital. A moment that made me realize that I deserved more and a moment that led to me finally accepting I needed help. I needed to walk back into the room I had walked into once before at nineteen guided by a friend but, which I left as it left me feeling confused and I was unwilling to admit I had a problem. So I left after one meeting. My "problem" is labeled as perfectionism and co dependency to such an extent you put yourself in the situation I did just to feel love, any kind of love. Oh my what time and the winds of change bring. The woman I am today is so not the young girl I once was willing to look everywhere but within for love and yet I owe the woman I have become to her.
I was able to reflect upon all that today and sit in gratitude for my road to recovery. A place where I currently reside and where God is not only unconditional love for myself and others but my constant companion. This God of my understanding is the light shed in many ways through songs, a timed phrase, others, a stunning sunrise, rainbow etc. on this planet. Recovery allowed me to see that and many other great things like how to let go and let God and how to draw a circle around myself and know that anything outside of that is none of my business. A tool I am currently using to forgive myself. I am realizing that while I express sadness and joy among other emotions I struggle with anger and guilt.
That is where I am today. A recovered perfectionist no longer co dependent but still growing through guilt and anger. I have immense gratitude for everyone I sit alongside in those rooms wherever I may find myself from Malibu to Silverlake. In them I found myself. In being able to lean on them when I was a newcomer I was able to find my voice. A voice that had always been there but that had been silenced by the committee, i.e. anyone and everyone but me. I consider all the beautiful souls I share that sacred space with the healers who helped make me the woman I am today and I am eternally grateful to Lois and Bill for being so brave in a time when image was everything.
I am not perfect. I do not want to be. I just want to be me. I hope you find someone (s) who allow you to lean on them and in the process grant you the art of being YOU!
P.S. the healers of the past year and then some are some of the most extraordinary people I have ever crossed paths with. Can't wait for you to see them dance in the storm with me. They have SHOWN me LOVE. Talk about it, be it and above all LOVE YOURSELF! You are God's UNIQUE creation, need more reason than that? I didn't think so. Love is all around! Open your heart! <3
HAPPY TENTH AL ANON BIRTHDAY TO ME! As we say in our closing prayer, "keep coming back, it works if you work it and YOU ARE WORTH IT!"
