The Lessons of 2010.

I don't know where to begin as I feel the lessons of this year are endless. Perhaps the one that stands out the most is acceptance of what is and letting go of what I wish was. The more I live the more I come to understand that the key to happiness is accepting our circumstances and not being victims of them. My happiness doesn't depend on an accomplishment or waiting for something or someone to bring it into my life. Happiness is a choice. One I consciously choose.

A lot has happened this year that I never imagined would and not in the the follow your heart, live your passion and win an award with a car way but in the life brought me down to my knees way and allowed me to find out who could genuinely kneel by my side, hold my hand and help me up way. I found out who could be there when the awards or red carpet, aka known as proof that I am not throwing my life away, weren't. While the people who couldn't don't even make up the count on one hand they still stand out because for years they stood by me and I loved them and lived amazing experiences with them. I will be eternally grateful for them but I learned that I can't keep anyone in my life at the expense of being me or living my dreams because life is too short.

The lesson of life being short came again in the most abrupt of ways and turned my world upside down. I hit the lowest of bottoms and fell into a deep sea of fear only to be eventually found by a tremendously huge rescue boat of faith after what felt like too long. The amount of fear and horrible thoughts of dying caught me by surprise as I have spent years in therapy and al anon working very hard to overcome the fears that come with being aware of how powerless I am over a lot. While the lesson in that fear was that I am human like everyone else perhaps the biggest one was that while fear and worry are sometimes inevitable it is ultimately faith that is a necessity in order to LIVE.

My faith was temporarily taken from me and sometimes I still struggle but at the end of the day I share a sentiment with Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Everything I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen." Somethings in life like Neil's abrupt departure will shake my faith but ultimately I trust in a plan even if it's one that came with what feels like to me TOO HIGH A PRICE, as he was one of the utmost character driven men I have ever crossed paths with whose family was his first love. Three months since he collapsed in his backyard while gardening and left us I still feel terribly sad but immensely grateful I was thought worthy of crossing paths with him and learning from him.

My mom jokingly got "annoyed" with my life is short speech and as I lay on the living room floor by the Christmas tree looking up at her I realized this year had yet again brought a lesson I have lived before. The best things in life aren't things, they are moments. The moments we take to stop and look at our lives and see how blessed we are just to exist and have one more day to give it our all and be able to accept that giving it our all is ultimately all we are in control of.

I tried desperately to avoid April 20, 2010 yet God and the universe decided that lesson was necessary for me. While I don't feel ready to share the details of that lesson, which I know someday I will (timing), I will say this. Cher sings "I've been brought down to my knees and I've been pushed way past the point of the breaking but I can take it. I'll be back, back on my feet. This is far from over, you haven't seen the last of me. You don't know me you don't know who I am, don't count me out so fast." What this lesson taught me the most about myself is that I am capable of standing up again even when challenges knock me down so hard it feels like they will not allow me to stand again and move forward.

What you should know is that because of my mom, Bev, Mary Queen, Paul Rodriguez, Lisa Skarveles, Randy Kent, Jennifer Marie, Neil, Michael Mullen, Shari and countless other friends I found the strength to stand again. Nothing is ever accomplished alone. NOTHING! Don't ever let anyone's ego make you believe otherwise. It just isn't. To me if there was ever proof of a God or higher power existing it would lie in the way everyday "angels" come to your rescue just when you need it the most and as usual right on time, God's time, not a minute too soon or a minute too late. ;-)

So as I take this plane ride back to the place I've chosen to make my home and leave my family and birthplace behind I walk away grateful for the moments I shared with them once again. Even when I was finally pushed over the edge by one of my brothers and I responded in a not so kind way (@#%$#***) for him to leave me alone, I am grateful I was there to be his target and that he was there to annoy me. I am glad I got to wake up under the same roof as my parents, sisters, niece, and cries of my youngest nephew. While my mom began her days hurriedly as she always has and I believe always will I realized acceptance of who she is and who all of my family is, is crucial in order for me to see the beauty in my time with them. I hope they can see past my "flaws" and into my beauty too. ;-)

As 2010 comes to an end I prepare myself to continue navigating the uncharted waters of this sea I call my life. I do not know what 2011 will bring but I hold all hope that Esperanza will help me bear fruit. Something only those involved in my latest production can understand. ;-) And while I may not understand a lot of what 2010 brought me I continue to believe that all of it is leading exactly to where I need to go in order to answer this calling of mine. So if that means I may be pushed down to my knees again with challenges then while I am down there I will pray for the strength to know what to do when I am ready to stand again and most of all to have the COURAGE to do it because it is in standing again that I am able to LIVE the MIRACLES God and the universe have been guiding me to. Trust me this is far from over for me. It has just begun.

As I move forward I will continue to live by the words of Thomas Jefferson, "In matters of style swim with the current, in matters of principle stand like a rock." Although I must admit in matters of style I stand like a rock in my individuality too. My passion allows me to live by this, "No matter what you say this show is ending our (my) way. We're (I'm) gonna stand our (my) ground for FREEDOM, BEAUTY, TRUTH, and LOVE." Those are the principles I live by when it comes to my work and no duke/maharasha could ever entice me otherwise, never. Believe me I've lived it, more than once. ;-) At the time I was terribly saddened by meeting the people behind the image and realizing how they believed everything has a price. Once the sadness left I realized God had chosen that my path cross with these men so I could get one of the biggest lessons of my life, I am not for sale. I choose to be a child of revolution so come what may I will love myself and my principles first even if that means things will take a little longer to come to fruition because ultimately it will give birth to my gift, my song.

I crossed paths with the wizard, saw behind the curtain and stood firmly in my principles! By continuing to do so I trust that in due time I will once again DEFY GRAVITY! May your lessons allow you to live your life guided by your one true compass and voice, your gut, while remembering that the most important things in life can not be seen or touched but MUST BE FELT WITH THE HEART! Here's to an amazing 2011 for all of us! May your lessons allow your dreams to become your reality and may you find someone to fly the broom with you and navigate the skies of life with you! <3

This blog is dedicated to my family who helped me finish 2010 in the most beautiful of ways, in their presence.

Finding my way through a life uncommon.

Anyone who knows me knows I don't believe in coincidences. I believe everything happens for a reason even when in the moment it feels like wrong timing for what is happening. Everyday is an opportunity for me to fight or accept the flow of the universe and guidance of God. While I may not always do it perfectly, I prefer to do the latter. There is something to be said for accepting that a lot is out of our control but also that it's very important that we are aware of what is in our control and handle that as best as we can. A lot has happened this past year as I have mentioned in previous blogs and as the year is coming to an end a lot continues to happen. I don't have the ability to lie nor would I ever want to so I must be truthful and say that somethings I wish did not happen but continue to trust that whether I can see it or not they are ultimately in my best interest. The road I am on these days keeps constantly changing and just when I know where I am headed I get a detour.

Some days because my body and mind are tired I want it to just be easier. It's like I told Lisa the other day after she asked if I was okay after getting some not so great news, "I realize my faith is what it is because of situations like this but sometimes I wish it was easier." However based on what I have lived I have come to believe and understand that anything worth while and brought into our lives to help us grow and find out exactly what we are made of will take time and throw us plenty of curve balls. At least that has been my case. Lately an old Jewel song has been on my mind a lot. Particularly the following verse, "I've heard your anguish. I've heard your hearts cry out. We are tired, we are weary, but we aren't worn out. Set down your chains until only faith remains. Set down your chains and lend your voices only to sounds of freedom. No longer lend your strength to that, which you wish to be free from. Fill your lives with love and bravery and we shall lead a life uncommon." That dear friends is what I feel it takes to be able to move forward in this sometimes inexplicable yet beautiful magical gift called life. A lot of faith and an ability to set down our chains while opening our hearts allowing them to take us beyond logic.

In matters of the heart is precisely where my latest teacher has been sent to me by the universe at God's request. ;-) This teacher has revealed a lot about myself that I had denied myself for the sake of not doing the work to grow in that part of my life. I have always had the capacity to have it together when driven by the passion of my work and what it could mean to humanity and their hearts but when it has come to matters of my own heart I have stumbled with my faith. Seeing that written is just weird. I've come to realize that I have taken such a beating in my personal life, one which I of course contributed to by allowing it, that my heart shut down again. It wasn't until "nameless" came into my life that I realized yet again how shut down I was.

I have to admit that it would feel a bit awkward to expose all "nameless" has taught me but I will say that I am beyond grateful. I don't really know him well at all but I do know that I have tried to make him someone he is not to allow myself to remain closed off to the part of my life. Every man I have crossed paths with romantically except one ex-boyfriend has either cheated on me or asked me to have an affair with them. The latter I refused to do so because it went against everything that felt right to me. I still and will forever believe that regardless of monogamy issues all these men were meant to cross paths with me and teach me about myself and my faith. A faith I am struggling with in matters of the heart but one that is beginning to find its way back into my life one day at a time. I do realize "nameless" is not all the things I tease him he is in order to keep him at arm's length. For all the stupid mean things I have said I am sorry. What I do know is that when he is in the room I am happy and when he leaves I don't want him to. That is it. That is all I know and for today I trust that, that is all I need to know. I can see why the universe crossed our paths. As more is revealed I will live my way into the what next and if anything is meant to be he will be in that what next and if not I am grateful for what he has already taught me. I forgot how great it felt to smile at the thought of someone. All I know now is I am very very happy to know such a fun, goofy, free spirited soul whose striking beauty is just icing on the cake. ;-)

As I move forward into the what next I am excited about the possibilities and what life is bringing into fruition for me. I know that what is yet to come must be felt with the heart and not the mind. I have been here repeatedly and it doesn't get easy just easier. Something is brewing for me in this vast universe. Something far beyond what I can imagine and all I can do is prepare myself, my teachers, and students to be open to the miracle that God and the universe are preparing us for and TRUST in the wisdom of a universe that has shown me repeatedly it can handle far more than I can ever imagine. For now my heart remains open to this very moment and every moment because I know that in order to LIVE experiences that hold no true logic or explanation I must continue to dance to the rhythm of my heart and its song, which only I can hear and it is then that I will live A LIFE UNCOMMON. "Come on you unbelievers, move out of the way! There is a new army coming and we are armed with faith! To live, we must give." May you find it in you to be able to GIVE your all in order to LIVE your life uncommon.

Born a child of gratitude, grateful for an extremely humbling year.

The more time goes by the more I realize it is no coincidence I was born Thanksgiving weekend because what you don't know is that I arrived a month early but I believe I arrived right on time. My mom tells me she was terrified at how tiny I was and she would hold me so close to keep me warm because I was all shades of purple. Well mom now I'm almost thirty-four and all shades of red as I have a crush which I am grateful for as it is proof that my heart has healed from all the lessons of this past year and then some breathing life into me again! I am filled with the colors of love, life, hope and gratitude! ;-)

This past year has brought so many lessons with it and my heart has broken and healed repeatedly showing me how beautifully complex we are and how amazingly we can recover from anything if we choose to. I believe that in time depending on how we see things we can also have gratitude for life and its lessons. While I may not always agree or understand the expense of what it took for some of those lessons I still eventually without a doubt arrive into gratitude. I have come to realize it is how I was born. Thinking back on my life as thirty-four arrives on Monday I am able to see that no matter what has happened I have eventually been grateful for the journey and the lessons it brought. Most of all I am grateful for the people those lessons and roads less traveled have brought into my life.

I have met the man whose work I read for over ten years, which inspired me to keep up the good fight eventually collaborating creatively with him. The people who are going to make my next dream a reality have come into my life and become my "family". I have crossed paths with women who do anything to help my dream come to life and who selflessly give asking nothing in return. I have shared a road with a man, left that road and returned to it to find two adults able to be friends and support eachother. These days it feels like he is supporting my dream more than I am his but in time I know the tables will turn. I have walked all my years with six brothers and sisters, an amazing mom, and a lovely step dad. All have been great teachers and all have led me on the road I am on today whether they knew it or not. Life gave me the gift of knowing what it's like to have a man believe in you when no one else does. Even if some of that journey's timing felt incredibly off in many ways, in one particular way it's timing was perfect. This was the first man to not only support me and my dreams but show up and show his support for my work and because of that I am eternally grateful to know what having someone GENUINELY believe in you asking nothing in return is like. Especially in my industry. Someone who just wants to see you succeed and is rooting for you even if our time together was brief the impact of the journey is forever.

I have said before that perhaps the biggest risk I take in my life is believing in a God and its guidance. I believe in its existence not because I have been taught to but because what I have lived has taught me to. Everything that happens in my life, harsh or beautiful, eventually leads me to an understanding of how truly magical each day is if our eyes our open to it. How precious each breathe is and how wonderful life can be if we make it about more than just ourselves. If we share our journey and allow others to share theirs we see how connected we are and what a small world it really is and how powerful it is to be of service to others.

Perhaps that is one of the biggest lesson life has brought this past year. I have had to be the receiver instead of the giver and have had to allow others to be of service to me. Something I originally fought with my Sagitarrius fire and stubborness and a lesson so constant that it reminded me that resistence is persistence so eventually I left myself be taken care of by others. From colds to production stuff to bigger things friends and family have stepped in to be of service to me. For them and their giving hearts I am eternally grateful and I am grateful to myself and my stubborness for learning when to let go and let God. ;-)

If I listed everyone that has impacted my life in this past year or past thirty-four we would be here for a good ten blogs. They know who they are and they know what they have done and best of all they have expected nothing in return. Tomorrow I will visit one of them in a way I NEVER EVER could have expected to. The last time I saw him he was walking backwards out of Portos with a big smile on his face, holding a bag and saying thank you A. Tomorrow I will pay him a visit and tell him like I did when he was here how GRATEFUL I was to have crossed paths with him, after all it's the day of gratefulness. If God ever showed its face to me it was definitely by allowing me to cross paths with Neil. He set the bar high as he was such a man of character and I am honored to have known of the existence of such a man.

Dear friends, treasure every moment, forgive yourself and others often, hold yourself in the same respect and high regard you have for others and you will not allow others to belittle you, give and expect nothing in return, believe yourself powerful and unique because YOU ARE, and accept nothing is guaranteed and you will LIVE!LOVE-LOVE-LOVE no matter how hard it may seem somedays to believe you ever will again, believe me in due time or as I say right on time you will again. Most of all have no doubt that just because you can't see someone anymore doesn't mean they aren't with you. Next time that crazy coincidence happens to you, look up, look within, smile and be grateful as I believe your friend, lover, mother, father or whomever you have lost has just crossed paths with you again. They are protecting you now and forever! For that protection, you, life, every breath, the sun, the moon, the smell of decaf coffee, my christmas tree (that is already up), my family, my friends, every part of body, my journey and its lessons and the ability to have thirty- four years of all this I am GRATEFUL. For this humbling year I am grateful because I was born a child of gratitude.

May you allow life to show you how magical it truly is and may everything and everyone make you grateful to have crossed paths with them. May they inspire you to thank them like I did earlier to all those who had stood by me this past year, via email, with the song below. Most of all may you be grateful no matter your circumstances and not be a victim of them trusting that everything is leading you somewhere or to someone. "A journey is best measured in friends rather than miles”. Tim Cahill

Thank you God, family, friends, and everything in this magical universe that makes this sometimes challenging journey a beautiful mess! Thank you for the gift of life GOD and the universe!!! Thank you!!! Happy Thanksgiving everyday! If you open your eyes you will find something to be grateful for everyday. I am grateful for your eyes which you have leant to my blog and spent some time with my thoughts. I thank you!



A glimpse of the people I am grateful for. This is just of sample of the beautiful souls who make my journey magical!

Neil and Millie Lisk- a lot of people have questioned the character David in my film and why he is so almost perfect. Good guys exist and the inspiration of keeping him as he is written is Neil. Never doubt that men of character whose love for their family exceeds life's temptations, exist. Neil is proof! He here is with one of his two favorite ladies and the reason he worked so hard. Words can not express how much you are missed.

My mentor, confidant, supporter and forever friend Paul.

Good times in LA this year with one of my six siblings.

The woman who made my existence possible, my lovely mom, and me in one of my FAVORITE pictures!

A weekend of work turned out to be a weekend of words my soul needed to be fed with. Here with the two people who are responsible for them, Michael and Lisa. Having wardrobe fun!

Bearing Fruit Family FUN! Love my "family". Couldn't have asked for more talented people to join me on the journey!



Once again thank you GOD for all the beautiful souls you have sent my way!

Striping it all away- the reality behind the dream.

To say my life is busy right now is an understatement. I am being pulled in so many directions while challenges arise having to choose between moving forward or stopping. I have chosen repeatedly to move forward. It is this choice that inspired a friend of mine from Germany to send me an email and suggest that I write a book based on all I am living and have lived in 2010. His email came after my friend Silke also from Germany emailed earlier this year after reading my blog and suggested I turn my blog into a book. To me it is synchronicity to say the least because I have been wanting to finish a book I wrote in 2008 for a while now but just haven't had the time. I've trusted that when the time was right I would have the time to sit down and finish. In living this year I realized that the book wasn't ready to be continued until this journey I am currently on comes full circle.

I can say without a doubt that the past year of my life has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I have been continuously stripped of something or someone I thought I needed simply by believing in myself, my dreams, and my choices. It is in choosing to honor my individuality and my calling that people have walked out of my life or I have chosen to walk away. I have also been stripped in many areas of life and yet I trust with all my heart and soul that everything is exactly as it should be as it is leading me to where my journey needs to take me in life in order to fulfill my calling. So while you may see my website or my pictures of fun being had while casting my film, or doing wardrobe with the cast, or hanging out with them I see what it takes to live those moments.

There is a saying that behind every great man stands a strong woman. Well beside, not behind as I believe in equality, this woman stand the family and friends who have not only found a way to let me be but have also encouraged me to follow my dreams. If I am to speak in all honesty than I have to say that this production has had a constant revolving door like no other before. We've had to cast repeatedly to replace people, I've had to let people go who thought their job was secure and stopped making an effort to do their job and life has also simply changed things in ways that did not allow people to stay on the production. I believe in life we have to risk to reap rewards and with that thought in mind I have to thank Randy Kent, Jodi Scott Elliot, and Ryan Caldwell for not letting the constant in and out of others take their faith in me and the film from them. I don't even know if they've realized it but by standing firmly with me they've given me the courage to continue to move forward. Three people can make a bigger impact on me than a hundred challenges!

Those challenges are daily occurrences and the most important thing for me to remember is that my contribution to the world and humanity can not be deterred by occurrences which are out of my control. The most important thing for me is to be able to rise to the challenge and once again in the process realize just what I am capable of. What continues to happen, which should be of no shock to anyone who knows me is that my faith in God, the universe, and their plan for me continues to grow! The way I see it is by allowing to let things be what they are and not trying to fight the guidance of God I allow the journey to become more magical. People are being added to the mix right now that are making this journey even more meaningful and special as I was stripped of people my mind was tricking me into believing I needed. For me it's somewhat easy to continue forward because I believe in God and the universe as much as they believe in me therefore I know and trust I will live things that only this journey lived the way it's meant to could bring to life.

Everyone who CHOOSES to stand beside me is here because they are meant to be and together we will contribute to film making in a unique, impactful way that allows others to relate not escape. I don't produce to create an escape. My calling is to produce work that allows people to relate and creates a bridging of the gap society has imposed repeatedly on us with false advertisements only to make money and really in the end not with one care of how it affects the human race and our evolution. I am not out to make a buck and sell images so I believe firmly that everyone God sends my way ultimately has to support a collective dream or it won't work. Anyone in it just for their benefit can not be in this with us. Why? Simple, indie film making does not allow us the luxury of egos with a budget so small. It allows us the luxury of telling a story with passion and faith that it will impact the lives of others in a powerful way and in the process lead us to wherever life wants us to go.

For me to be able to help make some one's dream come true along with mine, whether it be the musician whose song will be heard by audiences watching our film, or the actor who will finally be seen after years of being unseen in this city of dreams called Hollywood which can actually destroy them more than help nourish them, for me that is part of what fuels me and allows me to move forward. To be able to tell a story and have so many people's voices heard drives me! I whole heartily believe that because my dream is not just about helping myself the universe conspires. While the journey to the conspiring may strip me of things, places, or people I thought I needed my reality based on my journey, which I've been paying close attention to, is that life is simply making room for what I truly need and not what I thought I needed.

My reality now brought a young woman with a dream into my life this past week. A woman who I have to admit reminds me a lot of me when I first got here. She's very young and very brave. Lisa has stepped in to fill some big shoes in our production and the more I get to know her the more I know it was no coincidence that the universe crossed our paths. Like I told her after a long day of wardrobe and after she said some very nice things to me, "I have no doubt that we were brought into each other's lives because we both NEEDED each other." It is in her that I see the face of God and it is those "coincidences" of life where I find the courage to move forward. I had to be stripped of someone to be led to her so I yet again can see that having my reality continuously stripped of the way I see it is ultimately God's way of helping me along the journey. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I AM AFFECTED BY THE INITIAL SHOCK OF YET ANOTHER CHALLENGE. Tell your mom I've got your back Lisa. ;-)

So Alex and Silke to answer your question, I have no doubt that when the time is right I will be guided to finish that book and until then I will continue to be grateful for people like you who help my dreams along the way. I'd be here forever if I told everyone who has helped thus far but I would like to say that people like Michael Mullen and Blanca Valdez who did not receive a dime for their services to my production and jumped in when I was stripped of others have the utmost respect in my heart for they believed in me when it seemed like so many where living in constant questioning. THANK YOU!!

My bottom line is this if you strip it all away from me you will find courage and faith backing my voice which refuses to be silenced simply because while life has chosen to take me through some pretty harsh roads to show me how precious each day is and how temporary this life is, it has taught me worthy of acquiring the knowledge that life is too short to abide by anyone else's voice but my own. Serelda G. Wallace was quoted as saying "The highest form of development is to govern one's self" and the only way to do that for me is to trust the engineer at the helm of this train ride called life. It is for me in its guidance that I have not only found my voice but I have found the courage to not allow anyone even those I love dearly to silence it. "when a train ride goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off, you still still and trust the engineer." C.T. Boom

Seems I found my theme for 2010. ;-) "If you strip me strip it all away what would you find? Take what you want, steal my pride, build me up or cut me down to size, shut me out but I'll just scream. I AM ONLY ONE VOICE IN A MILLION BUT YOU AIN'T TAKING THAT FROM ME. SOMETIMES ALL IT TAKES IS ONE VOICE"

Turns out that in order for my voice to be heard and become stronger I have to be stripped. May you allow the challenges of life that strip you of what you thought you needed fill you with courage and faith to allow what you truly need to live your dreams to enter your life! To all who choose to stand beside me I am deeply and eternally grateful. God thank you for the team/teachers ;-) you have chosen me worthy of traveling this journey with and thank you for letting them trust the engineer of this train ride. ;-)

Seeking rewards without taking a risk.

I find myself in a lot of situations these days that bring with them the lesson that society has perhaps taught us that things should be easy and handed to us and that if there is any sort of struggle then we should just give up and walk away and call it not meant to be. While sometimes that can be true and there will be obvious signs that will demonstrate that sometimes detours are there to lead you to a more extraordinary journey than the one you envision. Roadblocks to me are God's way of showing itself. Accepting them gives me the ability to know what to do with them, which comes from paying attention to my life and the lesson is has brought repeatedly. Roadblocks just happen to be the way I co-create my life with what I believe is my creator and meet my destiny. A creator I have no problem calling God simply because it's a God of my understanding not anyone else's idea of God or what we've been sold to believe God is. No punishing God for me. God is what is with me when life happens on its terms and it happens everyday of every year and some years, like this one for me, more than others.

I know that the media is constantly reminding us these days what terrible times these are so much so that I have had to make a conscious decision to not watch the news. Yes I agree these are definitely interesting times like I have never seen in my thirty three years of existence but I will hold onto my belief quite firmly that everything happens as it should. There are no accidents. There are plenty of times along the way I have wished that wasn't the case but in time have come to understand that for me there is a plan taking place in my life. That plan aka destiny aka my calling will not unfold unless I consciously choose to risk and plant seeds in the winter in the middle of the snow in Denver. Yes it sounds ludicrous but I believe in miracles and following my heart and that means that sometimes my heart asks such request of me. Have no doubt when I am initially given the direction I must head to next and it sounds as crazy as planting seeds in the middle of the snow in Denver I think to myself "Seriously, wow this just keeps getting more interesting" but I do it because I have trust in what is to follow.

This past year has asked A LOT of me. Perhaps more than any other year or at least it seems like it. I've seen the man I thought I would marry wed someone else, I've seen my production company grow smaller than it was which seems almost impossible, I lost tremendously on some gambles and finally was dealt with another blow of this already tumultuous year, seeing Neil leave this planet. As if everything hadn't already been a lot. However this was also the year I continued to help raise Zoey, got a humongous crush on someone just so my heart could show me it was still possible, raised awareness of the global water crisis, continued to watch my commercial for such a cause take home awards including one in Shanghai, chose to volunteer six months as a UNICEF Tap Project coordinator in order to produce their fundraiser, moved forward with my dreams in spite of what I see before me and accomplished what I long for the most, growth in my beliefs and faith.

I've been here before. A place where life has shown you how precious and delicate it is that you find yourself realizing yet again it can end in an instant. So the questions have been pouring in. Am I doing what I truly believe to be my calling? Yes. Do I show love as best as I can everyday? Yes. Do I trust in the wisdom of the universe? Yes, while it's been tested severely this year the answer is still yes. Do I believe there is a plan ordained by something far more magical and powerful than I can understand and may never truly comprehend in this existence I chose to call God? Yes, while it's also been severely tested the answer is still yes. Do I believe I am doing everything I can to create my own family and live in unconditional love? Yes, everyday as best as I can. So what does this all mean to me? That I can't sit here and spill my thoughts out to whoever is meant to read this and not be genuinely me. That means I have to admit my truth. I am struggling but I will see the light again and I will shine brightly once again when the lesson has made its way through. I can not ask this to go away or run from it and trust me the thought of throwing my clothes, awards, and pictures in boxes and selling everything else and then just driving away from all this pain has crossed my mind more than once. It is then that I know I must do what is the toughest thing for me right now BE STILL AND BE IN THE DISCOMFORT OF FEAR AND SADNESS because that is the only way I will make my way THROUGH IT AND INTO ACCEPTANCE OF MY REALITY, which will allow the fog to lift and the light to shine again. So I will risk everyday not feeling well so that I can eventually be my GENUINE happy soul/self again.

In the midst of all this darkness I have not lost the feeling that God is with me at all times and it's what helps me make it through these times. I know that the light of God, Neil, my grandfather, my first therapist, and others is a shield of bright light that surrounds me and while these days the shield is cracking and darkness creeps in taking advantage of my fragile vulnerability I TRUST WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY HEART AND SOUL that I am exactly where I am supposed to be learning and growing and preparing for what is yet to come. I am stronger at the end of each day and at the end of each lesson not because I am different and have been blessed to be that way but because I CHOOSE to be that way. I choose love and anything else that allows the light in me to shine. A friend of Neil's told me that the best she could do in his honor was be IN love like he was. The best I can do in his honor is LIVE! I know he's helping me through all this. Yes I do believe he is an angel now, maybe not with wings etc. or maybe so- who knows, but what I don't doubt is that if all of us who miss him are getting through this it's because he is guiding us. He knows I want my light to shine again so I believe he is part of what reminds me everyday that it's okay to be where I am and that eventually I will shine brighter than ever when I've made my way through the feelings.

As I make my way through these feelings I choose to be faith in action by taking action and moving forward in this constantly changing life and production of mine. I can not ask people to be willing to RISK to see REWARDS like life has shown me repeatedly is the case but what I can do is make sure all the dead weight on the ship I am steering through unknown stormy waters is off my ship, which lightens the load and allows me to make my way to the brightly lit shores sooner. That light will come soon too and everything will come together even as everything continues to constantly change. I trust that the changes, which seem to be taking place weekly these days and make my work load heavier are also as they should be and leading me exactly to where I should be while gifting me with countless teachers of lessons God and the universe know I need. So I will continue to take one of the biggest risks ever, believing that something is out there and it's guiding me, and have no doubt the rewards will arrive on time if I continue to risk. Another choice I make.

I believe that seeking rewards without taking a risk is like asking a plant to grow without planting a seed and watering it. I've witnessed a lot of people this year want such a thing. All I can do is continue to lead by example and be me which means be in this beautiful mess of a life that has chosen me, all of us for that matter, and which I have chosen back. My bottom line is best expressed in these words spoken by Diana Nyad, "I am willing to put myself through anything; temporary pain or discomfort means nothing to me as long as I can see that the experience will take me to a new level. I am interested in the unknown, and the only path to the unknown is through breaking barriers, an often-painful process."

All that means in simple terms is I choose to LIVE. May you choose LIFE and allow it to choose you and most of all like me I hope that no matter what your eyes see or your heart feels I pray that you trust that when the time is right your LIGHT will shine! I have faith that when you are ready and the universe asks you to RISK you will and you will reap the REWARDS you deserve in order to SHINE, SHINE, SHINE how only you can!!! May you have the courage to let us all see the gift only you can give us! Let us see your destiny! THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

This blog is dedicated to my friend Paul Rodriguez. Life has given us the gift of coming full circle and this has allowed him to be a friend to me when I needed him most. He knows what he's done and why he deserves this dedication. He too is helping my light shine again.;-)

Spreading my wings and learning to fly again.

Today is a very special day. Exactly one year ago today I was standing on the red carpet in Rome for the first time in my life for a production I had created based on my favorite author’s work. It was definitely one of the most surreal yet beautiful moments in my life. I remember like it was yesterday looking up at the night sky and smiling at God thinking to myself “you did it again”. As I see it God guides me by sending me signs through the universe and they lead to amazing experiences, which can only be achieved by chartering the waters of the unknown. The most commonly asked questions when I am doing any project is “Where did you get the money?” or “How do you know what you are doing?” I don’t want to frighten anyone but the truth is if I had the answers to any of those questions I’d have to know God’s plan and I don’t.

People tend to think I am overprotective refusing to talk about what I am working on which is true to a certain extent but the whole truth is I don’t know how I am doing it I just am, the money will come for one of the investors the universe via God’s guidance will guide me to, and no I don’t know what I am doing because I didn’t go to film school so I just have to learn as I go. There you have it. So if you happen to be one of the people who constantly bombards me with questions wanting to know how etc., I will let you in on my secret, I follow the signs. ;-) If you read my blogs you know what that means but if you don’t I have lost you so let me explain.

A few years ago, almost five actually, I decided to stop listening to the chatter of all the voices in my head, which were compiled from everyone I had ever encountered. For whatever reason mostly everyone’s fears of what you can’t accomplish in life. So I opened up Adriana Garza Productions, my indie production company, with no set plans other than what was before me at the time, a play titled “The Art of Being”. From there I won an award for being the woman behind the play and when all that came to an end including the tour of the play in 07’ I knew the journey had come with a HUGE lesson, “follow your heart and the rest will follow”. So when my ex questioned what I would do next and I would tell him I was waiting for a sign and it became too much for him it actually was because he was the sign! His constant pressure to try and make me someone else caused us to fall apart and in the falling apart he left my life and I lived my way into the what next, which led me to Austin with a novel in hand titled The Witch of Portobello. God was using him to let me know in a not so easy or great way that the best love is self-love and that self-love leads to following your heart. Every journey comes with a price but the highest price I could ever pay is disrespecting myself or changing my beliefs to please someone else.

So I would go on to adapt that novel, enter the author’s International Film Competition and end up on the red carpet in Rome walking with him exactly a year ago today and a year and a half after breaking up with my ex. That is why I was smiling at God. In utter and complete gratitude for giving me the courage to follow the signs and honor my calling. Anyone who knows me knows I long for love and to be able to create my own family. I tell you this because I feel like reading this can sometimes make my choices sound easy but they aren’t. Leaving my ex meant leaving my dream of a family behind but it also meant continuing to grow in faith because it is only when my life comes undone of how I imagined it that I allow God and the universe to come in and bring magical miracles to life. Like you I get lonely and sad about not having a family of my own yet but I think I would definitely be more sad if I had created one with my ex because our reality was that we were too different. It would have been like MTV marrying PBS. ;-)

So here I am today back in the place I escaped to when my ex decided to tell me that all he had loved about me when we began dating was everything that scared him about me, Austin. It is my last day here and I am sitting at one of my favorite places, Walton’s downtown, typing away while enjoying my morning coffee. I am taking in all that I have lived these past ten days. A lot is about to happen in the coming months and that is what brought me here. Yet again I followed the signs and they led me home to Austin. For those of you who don’t know I was born and raised in Texas. Always have been a Texas girl at heart so I have never really been able to adapt to the superficiality of LA, as things are quite simple here in Texas. ;-)

Like I mentioned earlier it is a year to the day that I was in Rome at my film’s premiere and it is also freedom day! Someday a blog will explain Freedom day but it’s just not quite time yet. ;-) It is time to move forward beyond a difficult year. One of the most difficult years of my life, which was so mixed with beauty and messes that I can’t help but call it a beautiful mess. To me life happens on its terms and some of those terms, like a friend being taken in what I consider to be too soon, will never hold logic and others will bring answers with them in time like October 20, 2010 does for me. The day I blog about it all candidly some of you may question how I can stand or even be able to move forward which brings me to today.

Today I am ready to spread my wings and fly again, which can only happen because I walk by faith not by sight. Trust me if I walked by sight I wouldn't move. I am not plan person, I am a dreamer so what I plan is to continue to dream carrying with me they only baggage necessary as my dreams take flight, a suitcase full of faith. I do not know what each day will bring but what I do know is what I dream it will bring to life when I am ready. If life has taught me anything in the last five years is that if you truly do want to make God laugh make a plan of exactly how you see your life and try to make it happen ONLY THAT WAY. The other lesson has been that if you truly want to make God smile dream of how you see your life, work hard to make it your reality, let go of control, surrender to the circumstances, cry your way through disappointments, get back up when you are ready, be open to the ENDLESS possibilities exceeding the reality you dreamt of for yourself, realize that the END of something means life wants to take you in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION if you allow it to, never let go of faith no matter how hard it gets, and soon before you know it you will fly again just on time and just when you thought you couldn’t anymore. Life has shown me that like a season changing or a butterfly emerging from its cocoon I too had to be taken through some strong winds, fires, etc. to prepare me for my destiny.

In the past five years I’ve had my heart broken by lovers, broken hearts, lost dreams, dreamt up new ones, lost friends, gained new ones, was on the brink of losing hope only to be reminded by my faith that hope is never gone as long as I can accept that a lot is out of my control, angered family members and been angry at some, I’ve been caught by the arms of my friends and been fortunate enough to be able to catch some of them as they fall, seen someone I admire deeply transition into the new world, after life, hereafter or whatever comes next and fell so deeply into the darkness of it that the arms of fear caught me but I was quickly picked up by the hand of God and taken back into the arms of faith. While I move forward through my beautiful mess I know one thing is certain you will want to stay tuned because its about to get good, real good and I have NO DOUBT Neil is now guiding me along with my grandpa and others and that means it can only exceed my dreams yet again.

A lot lies in the unknown for me today but the reality is a lot lies in the unknown for all of us everyday. You see no one of us really know if we will make it through the day today but we have faith we will. You may not be aware of it but you’re living in faith just by waking up today and I hope that the awareness of that allows you to LIVE. I have faith that you will find your wings once again through this beautiful mess called life like I have. When you are ready to fly again I hope that like me you fly to the rhythm of the song only you can hear, the one in your heart that God along with your guardian angels provides. Like me I hope you do yourself the honor of honoring your individuality and in the process allow all of us to be gifted with that which only you can bring to life as there is only one you. I have faith that you can do it your way! I have and as life keeps coming at me with lessons of how PRECIOUS each day is I will continue to fly as high as each day allows me to. I am a butterfly just emerging from its cocoon after my metamorphisis and once again I am spreading my wings and I AM READY TO FLY!


Quote of the day calendar October 20,2010 (SINCHRONICITY!)
"If a life can have a theme song, and I believe that every worthwhile one has, mine is best expressed in one word: individualism." Ayn Rand

A question of faith.

I've always considered myself a pretty emotional person. One thing I am not is detached from my feelings. Since I can recall I have always easily felt pain as well as happiness. I've been called too emotional and it has been suggested that my emotions, while they serve me a purpose as an actor, may be best left for just acting as they may just be too much for life. To that I say THANK GOD I FEEL!! In the past few weeks I've realized I have more emotions that I ever thought possible. I can go from sadness to denial to outright confusion to acceptance in 60 seconds. I've been living through something all of us will face in life eventually. The loss of someone close to us. That my dear friends is all of ours destiny. In the process I've learned so many things.

I've learned that death scares some people so much they haven't been able to be my friend in the past few weeks while others have constantly checked in to make sure I am okay. Some, like Pamela, have gone as far as repeatedly asked me to join them on their outings to make sure I don't spend too much time alone and lost in the constant questioning going on these days. Eric sat with me at a cafe after the memorial to let me talk and try to make me smile. Mary Queen listens and listens and listens and has since the day I confirmed Neil's passing. Bev who knew Neil lets me cry and talk and then cry talk which I am certain she doesn't understand literally but tries too. My mom listens to me as I constantly ask her "You guys get that despite some of my words, my actions should show you I love you. My actions do show you I love you? Right? Right? I show you. Do I?" And then there's been the strangers who caught me in my building elevator and made the mistake of asking me how I was while being caught in one of my moments of deep sadness. Some have listened to me, some have asked me over for coffee, and some have called to check that I'm okay. Overall I've seen how much God shows it loves you when you live alone and feel so alone because life happened on life's terms.

In the process of living through Neil's passing I've come to understand that while I am not entirely ready to stop existing in human form I am not terrified of death. I am actually terrified of what it could do to my mom. :-( I can recall when my car spun across the ten freeway out of control as my tire popped and I hit the brakes and all I thought of was "God please help my mom understand this", believing it was not going to end well. I was twenty-two at the time. Thinking of that made me realize that I am majorly struggling to understand why someone would be taken back home at a young age and in the process come to understand that the possibilities are endless and that is why it is important to live as I believe Neil did, with PASSION. I have endless questions why now, why him, how come he didn't get to see Millie grow up, why, how, why, how,....you get the picture. Then comes the sadness followed by a moment of acceptance back to denial and anger followed by the certainty that it's a dream only to find it's not.

I was giving myself a really hard time this week for not having it together and it was then that it hit me. I won't and how can I really expect myself to as I am currently making my way through the questions. Some which may never have answers but what I have learned already is how important it is to live a life of service to others, a life where you actively pursue your dream and therefore a life that makes your dreams your reality. A life full of love, anger, sadness, happiness, bliss, gratitude and all the emotions that come with being alive in this unpredictable beautiful mess called life. Something I am grateful I am already doing.

Something or should I say someone has told me this is but a dream, my current reality and Neil's current reality, both dreams in different dimensions and I have to say it provided great comfort. Both of us living dreams in different ways. Is that the truth? Neither him nor I know. Actually he may have more info than me now. ;-) What I do know is that I want to live just as I had been before this. While this has rocked my world and made me question a lot it is because of my faith that I will make it through this and through my own transition whenever that arrives. I want unconditional LOVE that gives way to kids, I want to experience what my UNICEF commercial and my play accomplished again in different ways and I want to continue to live knowing that how I impact people's lives everyday is much more important than my job and that my belongings do not make me! That money does not define me! I want to give, I want to forgive, I want to be forgiven, I want to be angry, I want to be happy, frustrated and okay with all my emotions.

What helps me make it through these days while fear (false evidence appearing real) tries to get the best of me while my world is rocked, is my faith. I know I will not understand everything that happens in my life. I know somethings like a dear beautiful soul leaving in what I consider to be too soon I will not understand. I get that somethings will hurt immensely while some will cause great joy but most of all I know that a lot of what my journey brings is out of my control so what I need to get me through is my faith.

Faith that no matter what happens I will eventually see the beauty in life again when the time feels right. That no matter what happens I will eventually feel alive again because of my faith. Faith that this unpredictable ride I am on will take me exactly where I need to go even when some of the stops require me to fall apart because it is in that falling apart that I am able to see what a gift every second of every minute of every hour of everyday is. I may not have global answers but I am definitely living my way into mine. My future is now, as the present is the only guarantee I have. How I choose to live is coming back to me now. I will not rush because fear wants me to. I will not stop because fear wants me to. I will continue to live as I've learned to, like nature adapting its patience and knowing that while nothing is hurried in its process of seasons changing yet everything is accomplished. I will accomplish what my destiny allows me to, I will live what I believe I can, and I will question my faith during dark times with the certainty that I am never alone and while God is always with me now I feel the presence of an angel in my everyday life. "You don't have to see something to know it's there." Neil Lisk

I must soldier on, get myself to Austin and continue living because that is what he would want. I believe he wouldn't want any of us to waste time paralyzed by fear and he wouldn't want his abrupt passing to be in vain. I hope we all get that life is indeed short. I dedicate my current production to him and will work in his honor. I will keep up the good fight trusting that God and the universe accompanied by one very special angel will work with me to make this film art that touches, changes, and impacts lives for the better to help soothe some of the uncertainty brought by the unknown of everyday life. I will follow my heart, march to the beat of the song only I can hear, question myself, question life, you, everything and eventually LIVE my way into the answer. If God has a name in my book it's FAITH.

From the darkness into the light.

This past week has truly been quite surreal. I keep thinking I am going to wake up and the bad dream will be over. Millie will have her dad back and Liz will have her bestfriend back. My reality is not that and so every night I have struggled to sleep and have fallen into a dark place. The great thing for me is that wherever I go God is with me so from the darkness I will eventually make my way back into the light. I am not afraid of getting sad and angry because I know it is all part of coming to terms with not being able to see someone again in human form. However if there is one thing life has taught me it's that when someone passes and goes home we may not be able to see them again but they're still here. I'm of the belief that while we may not understand eachother's beliefs we should respect them. I know a lot of people have reasons to not believe in organized religion and to be honest organized anything including spirituality can be too much. By organized I mean anyplace that makes you feel like you have to have certain beliefs as opposed to a place that just lets you express what you believe based on how you view your journey. I feel like if something isn't organic to you than you shouldn't have that be your belief. If your belief is that there is nothing guiding us or no God I respect that too.

I believe what I do because it comes naturally to me. It is who I am and while I am certain that God is with all of us during this difficult time I also feel that is it very unfair and just doesn't seem right. I'm not angry at anyone or anything because I know that one of the biggest mysteries of life is our existence and mortality. No one has the answer to it and that's what makes life magical yet sometimes difficult. We take for granted what a gift existence is until someone has their life come to an abrupt end as Neil's did. All of a sudden our perspective is shifted and we get that every moment of everyday is a precious gift never guaranteed. Sadly sometimes that knowing disappears. I've been living with this understanding since I saw five friends/relatives go home within the span of two years a while back. I'm not perfect at anything so sometimes I too forget how precious each day is but for the most part I get that I am living in a magical kingdom called Mother Nature/Planet Earth which abides by rules sometimes hard to comprehend. In this case very hard but in time I'll come to terms with this. I may never fully grasp it or understand why such a beautiful soul lived such a short life but in time I know what I will focus more on is having gratitude for having known such a man. For now all I can do is continue my friendship with Neil the only way I know how.

I've been talking to him a lot these days and while his humor would lead me to believe that he'd be saying "A, give me a rest" I've actually heard repeatedly, especially when I get my bouts of crying, "Hey A, I'm okay". I choose to believe he is and he is watching over all of us who are tremendously saddened and shocked by his abrupt passing. Last night for the first time in the past week I began to realize it was not a dream and while I am no longer able to call him, text him or see him I am certain he had a hand in what Los Angeles witnessed last night.

In my last blog I mentioned in the end that I knew wherever he was I was certain he was making the scenery look stunning and that I trusted that God needed his help so he could only call on the best. Yesterday was a week exactly since he passed and I think that is why it no longer felt like a dream although the reality still felt very surreal. So it is without a doubt for me, and no one is asked to share my belief, that what I witnessed on September 29, 2010 over the Los Angeles skies was definitely Neil's work of art. He was indeed making the scenery look stunning wherever he was and because of what I saw my belief that we all remain here in spirit was confirmed last night when I looked up at the sky.

I love to photograph nature and I feel very at peace when I am with nature. So as I got ready to take my evening walk I witnessed one the most amazing unique works of art over the Los Angeles skies I have ever seen and it was then that I knew. He was letting us all know he was still doing his thing and very present. I am grateful for what my eyes saw last night! It was a very metaphorical walk that led me from the light into the darkness back into the light topped off with a rainbow. The best way to describe it is magical! That is all I can say and I hope you too are able to see the beauty in the unknown and the magic in everyday life. Thank you Neil for continuing to share your talent with us. It was truly breathtaking as your work always is.

This is how my evening began and the transitions you are about see all happened in the course of a half hour or so.












Spirit in the sky.


Look close. I hope you can see it. ;-)













"All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen." R.W. Emerson I don't have to see you to know you are still here.

In Loving Memory of a Loving Man, Neil Lisk.

I really don't even know how to begin this blog because to be honest I'd rather be writing one about how annoyed I am with Neil than this. It has been very hard for me to understand one of my very own beliefs in the past twenty-four hours, "everything happens for a reason." I've learned in the past day that there is not enough therapy, al anon, books or anything else to truly prepare you for life on life's terms and for watching someone who you truly admire go home. That is what I call passing. Going home to where we came from. Wherever that is.

Monday a friend came to visit who I had not seen in ten years, Tuesday a friend had her baby, and at this very moment last night, Wednesday, I sat at my computer reading a caption under a friend's tagged picture on facebook in complete denial of what it said. "Mourning the loss of a dear friend, Neil Lisk". I was in denial for so long I called our friend Ricky and asked him to long on and interpret it for me. Then I called over my friend who was visiting me and asked him to interpret it followed by a call to my friend Bev to ask her to interpret it. I decided I would wait until the morning to confirm it. After all Ricky thought it was a joke, a bad one, but one indeed so I decided to cling onto my hope and wait till the morning when someone would confirm it was a joke and then I would speak to Neil. Before going to bed I texted him saying I had a question for him could he talk. I knew what the no response meant but I was waiting on a miracle.

I woke to find people writing messages to him on Facebook and what I had most desired in the world would not be my reality. I finally confirmed with two mutual friends the reality I was so in denial of. One, Kevin, had received an email with the news and one, Paige, had been at his house. My first thoughts were for his precious daughter who he adored and his wife who was truly his bestfriend. Although I had emailed with Liz I never got a chance to meet her or Millie but I knew from Neil how extraordinary he thought they were and how much they meant to him. He not only told you but it showed in his actions.

I can recall like it was yesterday the day I met him back in March of 2008. I was a nervous wreck because I knew of his work, how talented he was, and how well he was regarded in the indie film world. I was producing my first short and wanted him to come on board more than anything. I knew if God conspired to have him come on board then everything else would be fine. It would go on to be more than fine. Not only did he have an amazing work ethic but when we went to hire the rest of the crew I got repeated emails saying how much they wanted to work with Neil even lowering their price to do so. We went on to not only put together an amazing crew but I went on to witness the most amazing DP I have ever worked with on any set do his work with such an ethic it blew me away. One thing you should know about him is not only how amazing his work truly was but what an authentic, genuine, beautiful soul he was. Out of his own sheer will he told me he would be charging me nothing to do my film and if you had witnessed him work you would have sworn I had paid him his price and then some.

I wasn't the only one amazed by his work. The first question out of every one's mouth after seeing our film which went on to win Paulo Coelho's International Film Competition was, "who was your DP?" I joked with him about it and every time I did he always so humble. Especially when he emailed me once asking what I had thought of his work since I had not told him. Honestly I had been caught up trying to make the competition's deadline. I told him I was lucky to have had him. He was the reason the film looked as stunning as it did and while we shot on video people thought we had shot on film. I went on to tell him I wanted to work with him for life and referred him whenever I could. Recently when Jason's manager Vince emailed me about a possibility of doing some PSA's with Jason I immediately said I'd jump at the chance and would love to bring Neil with me. Something I had shared with Neil. Something I never shared was that I thought his work was magical. He had a great eye for creating art. Art that showed how much talent was inside of him but also had a hint of magic to it.

I had been thinking about him this week and while I never IM'd him I had seen him on yahoo IM just this week and thought I haven't nagged Neil in a while I think it's time to. By a while I mean a few months. After the film wrapped it was obvious I had a friend who would later become essential in helping me move forward with my company by mentoring. When I had asked him to DP my current project he gave me an honest answer. He was no longer willing to be away from Millie for that long without what he got paid. He had seen her grow in spurts and no longer wanted to do that. He wanted to be with his family. While my work had been affected by his decision, as I used to dream of raising enough to pay him his worth, I was thrilled at his priorities. This and many other things made him an EXTRAORDINARY, UNIQUE needle in a haystack of a man in this industry we are in.

I would miss him nagging me on set asking me to go to hair and make up after I had already been done up or listening to him ask "where?" after the director said I looked pretty but I was happy about where he was choosing to be these days. I will never forget his face after he knocked on my dressing room door and yelled, "Hurry up what are you making the dress", and when I opened there was Bev standing with me and all of sudden his bold humor turned into a shy smile. He had told Bev she reminded him of his teacher so perhaps it was the I'm in trouble with the teacher look. What he was really trying to do was capture the credits scene of the film before the sunset but expressed it in typical Neil fashion. I would miss the nagging of what felt like that of a brother but I understood why he wanted to be home.

I wish I could tell you in all the ways he helped me but we would be here forever. Not too long ago I mentioned in a blog how he had told me to stand up for myself and reminded me to put my foot down and take control of my current production. He was very firm when he said it but very kind. His words pushed me in that direction and for that and all he guided me through even by mere example I am eternally grateful! This was someone you could learn so much from simply by watching him work. A few months ago I saw him for what would be the last time. I had a few things for Millie so we met at Porto's and caught up. I told him I would raise the money to take him to Austin with me and he smiled. It was a smile of I'm not going but I choose to believe I could make it happen. What I could have never imagined would be that no amount of money would allow him to go to Austin with me as God had other plans.

It's still all too fresh and I still want to pick up the phone and say "Sorry to bother you but could you please tell me for the gazillionth time what the name of the camera is," or "I still owe you Neil so I will be glad to babysit Millie if you and Liz are ever in a bind", but most of all I just want to be able to call him and hear him say "Hey A." He never called me Adriana or Adri as most people do, simply A. What I'm thinking about most in this very moment is how gracefully he handled a minor third party conflict once. When I told him I understood if he didn't want to speak to me again as I got that his loyalty maybe with his longtime friend he replied, "A, it's the past we move forward from today on and of course I am talking to you." That was Neil, able to see the good in everyone past my mistake by leaving it in the past, kind with everyone, a ridiculously hard worker, great listener, TALENTED and most of all a proud family man.

Neil as I saw on your facebook page today everyone echoes my sentiments and it made me smile. I wasn't being byast as some may think I was simply witnessing the art of being Neil Lisk. I am so blessed to have crossed paths with you! Thank you for the all ways in which you touched our lives. In case you didn't catch on I looked up to you the way I do to few, which allowed me to have one hundred percent trust in you. I will miss you deeply! Love, someone who wishes she could have been your little sister and is grateful she was treated like one. Harsh jokes and all. ;-)

I can't lie so I must say I wish we could go back to yesterday and have a do over. I really do. I'll see you when the universe conspires. This one is for you as I know wherever it is you are, you are definitely making someone smile and probably figuring out a way to make your new scenery look stunning. ;-) I trust God needed some help with that and he could only call on the best.


To see Neil's extraordinary work in what ended up being a very short career you can visit www.adrianagarza.com and see The Experimental Witch or visit his site at www.neillisk.com.

The perfect timing of Sinchronicity.

On a cold Friday evening in April of this year I took Zoey to see a friend's documentary in hopes that it would open her up to see things in a different light. May I be Frank is all about a belief I know is certain for me, we are what we eat. I hoped that at thirteen she could start to get things that I got way later on in life and maybe she could learn to take care of herself and her health simply by witnessing what it had done for others to do so. I had not purchased a ticket so I stood outside in line hugging Zoey to keep her warm and was promised that even though it was sold out we would get in. Shortly after a young woman came and stood behind us. She had a very warm feel to her. Her energy seemed loving and calm and so we started to chat. Once we went in we sat in separate areas of the venue but that would not be the last I would hear of her.

I am amazed by the wonderful magic of facebook if it used for the right purposes as I fear too much technology can not be good for anyone. What happened to the days when you would find out about people by sitting across from them for a coffee date? I miss those days. Now it's all about facebook and the life you can pretend to lead. That to me is the downfall of technology but the gift is that I can keep in touch with my friends and family in Mexico and Europe and I can reconnect with my bestfriend from elementary like I did last year. Turns out all this time she's lived an hour away! Well thanks to Facebook Dani who I met at the screening and I reconnected. She sent me an email that put a smile on my face because it was then that I found out she worked at Hay House Publishing. Coincidence? I think not.

In 2002 when I first began therapy I lived by the work of Louise L. Hay, "You can heal your life". It truly was essential in my progress and thought me a whole new way of thinking. Flash forward eight years and I was crossing paths with Dani. I won't tell you everything she has done because like any giving humble person I know they don't like to have all their good deeds aired but I will share this. This past year has been a beautiful mess as I have mentioned before. April 20 brought with it a lot of things but most of all the lesson of who my true friends really are. When things got really tough for me I saw that the people I thought I could count on the most jumped ship when the waters got too stormy and while they did so they let me know exactly what they thought of me for navigating into such a storm. Judgement was handed to me left and right by the people who had stood by me for 14 years and 5 five years respectively. It was a hard rude awakening and one I am still healing from.

If one of my biggest flaws is believing in the good in people regardless of what they show you then I'll take it. I never want to stop believing that at any moment someone could awaken to the lesson before them and make the shift. Which brings me to Dani. While I lost two friends I've gained a few since and actually people who I thought didn't support me or my work stepped in to do so along with those who always have. Since she has come into my life she has been able to remind me of all I've learned and at the same time all I have yet to venture into. All the lessons that life is still preparing for me. Something she really won't know of until she reads this and that is why I consider life to be magical!

At some point in time just when God and the universe know we are ready to receive the information needed on our journey to be able to soldier on someone crosses our path to help us along the way. An everyday angel. It doesn't have to come with a halo and flashing lights descending from the skies. They can come in the silence and mundane of everyday life with certainty that only you can understand. A knowing that God or whatever you believe in is showing itself to you. That is what Dani has done for me. When the words of those labeled as my best friends condemned me, my actions and the life I have chosen to live God sent Dani to show me once again that I am not wrong for dancing to the music that only I can hear and for accepting that life is not about the storms that will come but about my ability to dance in them. Some people couldn't dance in them with me but I am grateful for what they taught me about myself in the process by leaving.

Last night was a reality for me because of Dani. Last year I saw a film called "From Ambition to Meaning", which has now been changed to the "The Shift". Ahhh the shift. In 2006 I witnessed that shift happen in my life. Through the book and the film Wayne Dyer teaches that when you are aligned with your purpose the shift takes place and things flow while doors open you never knew existed and the possibilities are endless. I had come to understand this after ten years of not following my purpose. Once I decided that I would only do work that contributed to humanity in a positive way and gave a voice to EVERYONE regardless of sexual orientation, shape, race, religious views the universe sung open its doors and the people that began to cross paths with me astounded me. People of like minds who whether they were actively being their words or not still had it in them to want to follow their purpose. People who see how precious life is and how our evolution depends on us helping one another align with our purpose. As I write this I realize that the two beautiful souls who no longer accompany me on my journey left because their lesson was done and all their gifts to my life had been given and for all they gave to my journey I am extremely grateful even if their exit was not so graceful. I won't ever allow anyone anymore ever again to make me feel like who I was born to be is wrong in any way, shape or form and therefore in exchange I will always provide you in my presence with a place to be. Simply be.

Last night as I sat in the auditorium listening to Wayne Dyer I thought of Dani and how that night we both showed up with no tickets and because of that simple choice an extraordinary thing came to be. I heard so many amazing things last night. Things I knew of, which echoed the song my heart sings and helped me not feel so alone and things I am open to working on and trying to understand. Things that are going to be bringing many teachers into my life to help me continue to make the shift from ambition to meaning. What resonated the most and has been showing itself in my life all year is that now is the time to apply the shift to my love life. I have excelled like any student striving for an A at applying the shift to my work life and therefore I have ended up in class with GLAMOUR magazine, Jason Mraz, Paulo Coelho and many other amazing students of life. However due to many factors I've struggled to try and get into the Honors class of LOVE where UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is offered. So after last night I once again heard clearly that this the year that I willingly and with awareness sign up for the class but not only do I sign up I will actually get in and apply myself. ;-) Wherever you are, whoever you are I know that you will show up right on time. Not a minute too soon or a minute too late but just on time when we are both open to the other and ready for our journey together.

I will leave you with this beautiful song. I heard this version with dolphins for the first time last night. If you don't know the story of AMAZING GRACE I suggest you rent the film, which came out about four years ago. It is the story of William Wilberforce who worked intensely hard to abolish the slave trade and one of the teachers God and the universe put on his path was the man behind AMAZING GRACE as you will see in the film. As it was played last night tears rolled down my eyes because once again I heard and saw God as only I can. I was so inspired or as Wayne Dyer says, In Spirit, to continue to walk the road I am on, follow the signs and be ready for the miracles. For you I have many wishes but for today I wish you the ability to know that you attract what you are as Mr. Dyer reminded me, and therefore I wish that you allow your journey to show you that you are LOVE! Dani, if you ever wondered if your existence and journey was of importance to anyone now you know. Thank you for helping me along the way during during what unbeknowst to you are my dark hours. I will carry you with me always!


P.S. God thank you for sending Dani. I see you! ;-)

Finding comfort in the discomfort of the beautiful mess I've chosen to live.

A conversation this past weekend left me pondering how much our choices affect our life. I have heard repeatedly in my lifetime that everything comes at a cost and nothing is for free. As I heard it yet again this weekend I realized I have made a conscious decision to be part of an industry in a city whose main focus is selling illusions so I had to decide early on how I would navigate those waters. I decided that no matter what I would never make a decision that went against my true self so therefore yes I have paid a price. My dignity and self worth don't have a for sale price so the price I have paid is having things take a little longer to come to fruition. That is what I mean when I say have consciously taken the Long Way Around.

While at times it can be frustrating since I am stubborn and sometimes want things to happen right away I've come to realize the Long Way Around does indeed have a much more beautiful scenery. Perhaps it's because it's the road less traveled. Recently I read the following, "We live in a society of instant gratification; instant coffee, instant breakfast, instant money from our local ready bank machine. It's everywhere we look. When we stop expecting INSTANT relief we come to believe that today is exactly where we are meant to be". In that lies the key for me these days. Trusting that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I feel like the roulette is constantly spinning and I am patiently awaiting for the ball to land on God. Where I have CHOSEN to place all my bets. ;-) I consider my leaps of faith in my work like playing roulette and waiting for God to come through when the time is right. Some days like today I get news I'd rather not but my immediate thought is that door closed can't wait to see which one opens.

Yes I could have "made life easier" for myself but in reality all I've been offered has had quite the price tag on it and it includes my self worth, self respect and dignity so I've chosen to continue to play roulette on my terms. I just can't follow and I can't live a life that goes against what I believe in no matter what instant result is promised in exchange. Living this way has taught me to find comfort in the discomfort of not knowing when the roulette will stop spinning and produce the results I want. I have so much pending in the next few months but I've been here before and I've found that for every ten no's there is one extraordinary beyond belief YES. I am banking on that YES once again. I have a pretty good idea of where it is coming from and it really blows me away. In time you'll know what I already know, once it becomes a reality. ;-)

For now as I have told the few who know exactly all that is going on in my life, I choose to move forward. Sitting in a corner pondering why somethings go my way and some don't paralyzed by fear is not how I choose to live. I may make it sound simple but it's not. It's just a choice that has become easier with time simply because I choose to trust in my beautiful mess, its lessons, and my compass aka God. Some days bring great results and some bring great disappointments but at the end of the day I see a BEAUTIFUL mess. Why? Well because life is messy and yet beautiful. My reality is I choose to see the beauty in uncertainty and feel comfort in discomfort because it comes with LIVING life.

I've had some great conversations these past few days with my family who are visiting and they made me realize how truly blessed I am to have their listening ears which allowed me to see how much I have lived in the past fourteen years since I left El Paso. I have known love, almost married too young, was betrayed became his friend again and by leaving the past in the past I learned to love again trusting that I will no longer choose men who don't believe in monogamy but not judge them. I've fallen in and out of love with my work finally witnessing my career, love life, and family life come full circle. The unknown has lead me back to my true self and what it is that I really deserve and I will make a conscious decision to continue to choose it. It's not easy. It really isn't. I don't say it to discourage you. I say it simply because we are in a society where instant gratification has become the expectation and when it is not achieved it is assumed that something is wrong or that not now means not ever. I lived enough to know not now means wait a little, grow through the lessons and you'll receive something better than the satisfaction of instant gratification you thought you wanted.

Time. It all lies in time. I am grateful for where time has lead me! On October 20,2010 it will be time to move beyond April 20,2010 and I don't think it's coincidence that it landed a year to the day since my last project premiered in Rome. I'd like to believe in chance but synchronicity has taught me about seeing things in a whole new way where I choose to believe I am being guided by signs, which some interpret as coincidence. I wish I believed in coincidence too but I just don't. ;-) Like I've said I don't wish the beautiful mess that April 20th was for me on anyone but that my friends was the price I chose to pay by not putting a price tag on my self worth, self respect and dignity. The most important lesson that came from it all is if I had to do over I would do it all just the same!

With it time brings perfect timing and the ability to see that things happen for a reason, are in your best interest and can produce a life beyond your expectations as long as you can have the patience to find comfort in the discomfort of instability and uncertainty and navigate the waters of the unknown consciously. I wish you a lifetime full of patience with yourself so you can LIVE what life has in store for you. We all have dark times in our lives but if we stay in them and work our way of out of the dark, light will bring with it the life you are intended to live. Activist Corrie ten Boom put it best, "When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer".

May your journey give you the ability to see that happiness comes from trusting and knowing that you too deserve what is there for all of us in abundance in due time! ;-) May your beautiful mess give you what mine has given me LOVE for the work I do, LOVE in my home life and LOVE within me, GRATITUDE for you, my family, my friends and everyone I encounter. “Life is all about timing. The unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable, attainable. Have the patience, wait it out. It's all about timing.” While you wait it out I hope your hours are spent creating the life you dream for yourself!

The Art of Being Human.

It's been over fourteen years since I packed up two suitcases, one with shoes and one with clothes, took my $400 dollars which I saved up by working at the Black Eyed Pea and Lerner at Sunland Park Mall in El Paso and took a one way flight to Los Angeles. I was nineteen then and there was no way I could have known what awaited me. It took ten years of living the life Hollywood wanted for me to realize what I wanted for myself, to come into my own being and be comfortable with who I was and what I wanted out of life. Realizing most of all how I wanted to contribute to the planet. I wouldn't change one single thing about my life and it has been quite the journey!

I was telling my bestfriend Mary this week that if I was to live up to the statistics this society places on me I'd be a fatherless Latina from a single parent home with no college education consumed by the labels unable to move forward. Lucky for me I was born to a warrior who raised seven kids alone and since I believe you are what you know I became a warrior. However it took ten years of doing things a certain way and not being content with the outcome to summon that inner warrior. In those ten years I went to therapy for four years straight and cried. Stopped caring if I ever acted again. Fell in love with all the men I longed to have fill the shoes of my absent father and like in any pattern repeating itself they would eventually leave. I went to Amoeba Music a lot, dated two guys there, learned a lot about music and eventually realized if it weren't for going to Amoeba that often I would not have the vast knowledge I do of music now or the love I have for all music. Most of all I would have never heard this song and found the courage to summon my inner warrior. Which confirms my belief that everything, even what seems like mundane, happens for a reason and is leading you somewhere.


This became my theme for 2006. No matter what happened I knew that the most important thing I had to do was FACE THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY! Worst that could happen was I could fail, and I have, but I would grow. I had to do what ancient proverb I once stumbled upon encouraged me to "Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still". The truth is in failing I learned how essential that failure was for me to become who I have and be where I am.

People often tell me "you're on your way" or "I can feel it you'll be famous soon". Most of the time I just smile because what exactly am I suppose to say to that? Maybe I should try the honest route and say to them what I said to Mary. I don't care to be famous, I've accomplished more than I ever dreamt I would in a completely different way than I ever dreamt I would and because of that there is so much happiness within me and gratitude, which I am not silent about, because it comes with doing what you love. What you TRULY love not what we are sold to love or be. I'd rather strike a pose on a red carpet somewhere because of an accomplishment that came from a very dark hour then because I am selling someone's perfume and telling people how to buy their art of being. No thank you! That said to each their own. ;-)You can read about the gift that came from one of the many dark hours on my journey here. Me and Paulo Coelho how the universe conspired to cross our paths.
Same blog Jason Mraz reposted on his blog and actually how we met. ;-)

I support people following their DREAM. Yes sometimes you end up sacrificing a lot but time and time again I have seen that the sacrifices of following your own path are exceeded by what awaits you at the end of the journey. All things do come to an end and the only thing constant is change. Which brings me to today and where my journey has led me. I have to say that if I wrote everyone who has affected my journey by encouraging me or for that matter discouraging me we'd be here forever. For now I have to point out that thanks to Vince Shultz, Paul Rodriguez, Susan Taylor, Randy Kent, Danielle Artigo, Mary Queen Angel, John Rincon, Chris Beltran, Alex Jehs, Gaby Moreno, Jason Mraz's publishers, Paulo Coelho and Neil Lisk I am able to keep navigating the waters of uncharted territory that is my first feature length film. If I forgot you I am sorry. You know who you are and you know I am grateful.;-)

What my teachers who I am in constant contact with on a daily basis are teaching me now is the importance of being firm without being mean. In saying what I want and need without saying it meanly and remembering the words of Neil, "Adriana people are either going to do things as you can offer them it be done within your company's means or not. Whoever can't do it as your production can is not the right person to be there but you need to put your foot down". ;-) After all when you are the CEO of a company it means giving deadlines no matter how small your company is. I never want to hurt anyone and therefore in that lies my struggle. However everyday brings with it the opportunity for growth. I am learning and getting better at saying what I mean and meaning what I say without saying it meanly. ;-)

Which brings me to this week and the realization that ah...yes I too am human! Shocking I know. This week I did things that were out of character by taking out my frustration for other situations on innocent by standards and for that I am truly sorry. The lesson in that was knowing that I am not perfect, thank God. I have a lot on my plate right now and I also have a lot of letting go to do as well. If I've learned anything it's that the only thing I control is the footwork towards producing an outcome. The outcome however so not in my hands. So for today I forgive myself and my out of character behavior and I hope those whose character I attacked have forgiven me too. I am after all only human but with that thought in mind I also have to remind myself the golden rule I try everyday to live by, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". I am aware that everything we do has a chain reaction so be gentle with your words and actions. Forgive yourself when the art of being human introduces you to a side of you you'd rather not indulge in. ;-)


For now I will carry on with the only baggage I truly need, a suitcase full of faith. No matter what life keeps throwing my way I know one thing is certain "faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and creates the impossible". Changed the quote a little to fit what I've lived as I believe we CREATE our destiny. ;-) I'll continue taking leaps of faith and trusting that my net will appear and no matter what happens one thing is for sure, I'll be taking the Long Way Around and wherever I arrive I hope you are there with me but I trust that all is and will be as it should be.

"It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself. Guess I could of made it easier on myself but I could never follow"