Its become apparent that this long winding road is coming to an end and it's time for a new beginning! This means everything as I know it is seizing to exist. All I have been, all I have learned, all as it is and was is going to be left behind. The time is here to step into a world that exceeds my expectations once again. The last time I was asked to step into something so big and leave so much behind "The Art of Being" came to life. Thanks to that experience I can see people's threats for what they are. Sometimes life needs you to be somewhere else to serve your highest good and contribute to society how you are meant to and when you don't get it sometimes, just sometimes, it will take you there with a swift gentle kick in the ass like it has me. The fortunate thing for me is that all the people who have come at me with their fears in the past few weeks threatening to strip me of what they think they have in store for me and holds power over me have been reminders that it is time. Time to move on, step into what God has been preparing me for and rise above once again.
What is coming is going to not only blow me away but I think none of us are going to have seen this one coming well maybe I have. Oh that gut of mine. ;-) Everything inside of me is telling me so and in the words of my friend Mary Queen this morning it was reaffirmed. That is the beauty and magic of God, the universe, the unknown and how it decides to make itself known. Knowing what threat was imposed on me by another human yesterday, certainly not God, Mary echoed my sentiments. The time is here. It is time for you to move on to greater things she said.
I have never sat in a room for a half hour and had someone repeatedly tell me how worthless I am, how I can do nothing right and that I don't meet their expectations. Wait there was that time a roadtrip in a foreign country provided that for me and that was longer than a half hour so I take it back. ;-) I sat there and sent them love, said the serenity prayer and at one point took several deep breaths. I needed to do all this to be able to focus on the truth as I see it and not lash out in ego. It's not me that holds all these character defects, it's them and their tortured past they are trying to impose on me to try to destroy me as they have never quite been comfortable with a woman in a position of "power". A power I choose to use to try as best as I can everyday through my life and work to follow my calling and create and send love into this vast universe in everything I do.
This was the second time in one week I was told by someone how I am failing and how I should have done things. Fear is actually winning them over allowing them to believe they can control me and my destiny. So for them I pray. I pray they have the ability to believe in endless possibilities where belittling others to get ahead and succeed is not the way of life. To trust that there is enough for all of us! That abundance is found in gratitude for what is and not what we wish was. That threatening others and their well being is not a way to hold control. It's an illusion of control. I do understand though. I know they are desperately trying to get their way and using the only tools they know how to try control unable to let go of what doesn't lie in their hands making themselves believe they control my destiny. So for them and their fears I hold compassion. I pray they find a way to heal and someday maybe even have the ability to not hurt themselves so much, as I abide by the golden rule that as you do so shall be done to you. I don't believe karma is a bitch I believe it is what you make it so careful. Our choices are powerful and what we put out is what we get back.
That is precisely why I can't take on their fears because what I put out is between me and God and trust me I have nothing to fear nor will I allow False Evidence Appearing Real to destroy me. This negative energy some label as evil and others as the devil has visited me before and I see it for what it is when we meet. An energy taking over someone. I don't believe that person is actually evil but just as you can invite in the light, you can invite the darkness in as well. Not to be confused by the darkness that arrives as the hurricane comes in bringing life on life's terms situations like death. They are so different. To me at least.
I've have seen a lot in my thirty- four years and especially the last five. I have been stripped of everything as I knew it before. I have sat in my dining room contemplating the news that my commercials were not going to air, tight on money believing the money for the play was gone, hearing God firmly but gently say "do what you love, the money will follow", and finally with complete AWARENESS choosing that voice over all others in the committee who told me I couldn't and shouldn't do the play because it was too risky. Within a few weeks of the play opening I was a finalist for a nationwide award and by the end of that same year I had won the award, flown to NY twice, appeared in GLAMOUR magazine twice, was honored in a ceremony here and was an honored guest at the Woman of the Year Awards at Carnegie Hall, in the end taking home a 2007 Toyota Camry Hybrid all because I choose love over fear and in the process allowed God to guide me to what I am meant to be doing here. The play was about humanity for humanity to help us all look beyond what meets the eye, bridge the gap of loneliness within humanity and help us all including me feel more at home in our skin especially in this advertiser driven world where the belief that being is simply not enough is constantly thrown at us.
Soon after I was able to follow the signs once more and ended up walking the red carpet with the author who at one point in life served a tremendous purpose in my life and gave me strength to keep moving forward and who eventually taught me exactly what I am made of and how much courage I have. Also even more tight on money at the time I found a way to make that film and God as usual sent angels my way left and right to guide the project all the way to Rome. One of them left us too soon, so I believe but I am sure it was right on time even if I can't see it. So here I am today moving forward beyond the current "opposition" I prefer to look at as fear taking over others and I so desperately want him to be on this upcoming shoot. I want to call Neil and have him bring his people with him and guide me once more and I can't. I have a week to go to this shoot and while he is not physically here he is guiding me and giving me courage to multiply the fish and feed everyone. ;-) Trust me. Between him, my dad, grandpa, first agent and first therapist I know I have a team on the other side that help give me the strength to go on. To rise above and beyond and that in the most magical of ways they are helping the universe conspire.
The truth is that behind every human and their accomplishments are extraordinary beings. I am grateful oh so beyond grateful that upon sharing the news with Danielle, Bev, Areli and Mary Queen about yesterday's half hour fear session that was poured on me but slid off like water off a duck's back they all had similar reactions. All thrilled for where life is guiding me. Mary called me a warrior and I smiled at the thought for the first time in a long time. That word has been misused before by someone so they can manipulate people into buying into something they don't even stand for but make others believe they do. So I had a really tough time with it for a while now and finally a few years later I can be called a warrior and it is once again the sweetest sound my ears can hear. My definition of warrior.
These ladies hold my hand in absolute faith always supporting my decisions and where I choose to follow my guidance aka God compass i.e. gut instinct. ;-) Danielle and Mary Queen always tell me when they hear the latest, "I am not worried for you. You are the last person I am worried about. Actually excited to see where this is leading." May you be blessed to have at least one friend like them that sees the light peering through the darkness. Thank you to these heavenly earthbound angels! Randy and Lisa thanks for choosing to stay in the final stretch with me helping me to home base where the fruits of our labors awaits us. You know what I mean. We are doing it!
I have loved and lost tremendously. I have been ready to wed at twenty-two only to find myself in the biggest of betrayals, which was actually a blessing in disguise this then twenty-two year old couldn't see. A called off union led to uniting with my soul and finding my way back to myself and forgiveness for him. I have had cents in my bank account with no idea of where money would come from and yet it did. I have found a tremendously supportive male mentor, fell in love and seen him leave my life telling me I was someone he wanted nothing to do with. I have endured countless job interviews i.e. auditions in hopes of living my dream. Some even recently with not so very nice people running the sessions belittling myself and others with their attitudes yet kept hope alive that they can find love and walking away with the lesson yet again that no job is worth my dignity. That money can't buy me or anything- not happiness, not beauty, not a thing. All I have received in the past five years due to my efforts has come in big amounts of LOVE, a love no amount of money can buy. However now after years of living all this including loss in the form of death of loved ones the time has come to rise above and beyond!
In order to step into a new beginning you have to be willing to let go of EVERYTHING as you know it. You can take everything from me but you can't take my essence. I have learned one of the greatest gifts life bestows upon us if we are willing to receive it. I have learned the Art of LETTING GO! I am letting go of all I have known preparing myself for what I am going to know while being present in the gifts of today. I don't know what is going to happen in the next three months but I know this, these "threats" i.e blessings in disguise have come to take me by the hand and oh so gently guide me into the what next. A what next I am being told is something only God and the universe along with all my angels can conjure up. Two deaths, agency changes, an expiring movie option, the threat of loosing my home, financial instability, and fear trying once again to destroy me (wonder if it gets tired of being such a pest, seriously!) is what it is taking for me to make my way into my NEW BEGINNING! Don't know where I am headed but I can guarantee you one thing, like a skyscraper I will be rising from the ground! The time has come!
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