Anyone who knows me knows I don't believe in coincidences. I believe everything happens for a reason even when in the moment it feels like wrong timing for what is happening. Everyday is an opportunity for me to fight or accept the flow of the universe and guidance of God. While I may not always do it perfectly, I prefer to do the latter. There is something to be said for accepting that a lot is out of our control but also that it's very important that we are aware of what is in our control and handle that as best as we can. A lot has happened this past year as I have mentioned in previous blogs and as the year is coming to an end a lot continues to happen. I don't have the ability to lie nor would I ever want to so I must be truthful and say that somethings I wish did not happen but continue to trust that whether I can see it or not they are ultimately in my best interest. The road I am on these days keeps constantly changing and just when I know where I am headed I get a detour.
Some days because my body and mind are tired I want it to just be easier. It's like I told Lisa the other day after she asked if I was okay after getting some not so great news, "I realize my faith is what it is because of situations like this but sometimes I wish it was easier." However based on what I have lived I have come to believe and understand that anything worth while and brought into our lives to help us grow and find out exactly what we are made of will take time and throw us plenty of curve balls. At least that has been my case. Lately an old Jewel song has been on my mind a lot. Particularly the following verse, "I've heard your anguish. I've heard your hearts cry out. We are tired, we are weary, but we aren't worn out. Set down your chains until only faith remains. Set down your chains and lend your voices only to sounds of freedom. No longer lend your strength to that, which you wish to be free from. Fill your lives with love and bravery and we shall lead a life uncommon." That dear friends is what I feel it takes to be able to move forward in this sometimes inexplicable yet beautiful magical gift called life. A lot of faith and an ability to set down our chains while opening our hearts allowing them to take us beyond logic.
In matters of the heart is precisely where my latest teacher has been sent to me by the universe at God's request. ;-) This teacher has revealed a lot about myself that I had denied myself for the sake of not doing the work to grow in that part of my life. I have always had the capacity to have it together when driven by the passion of my work and what it could mean to humanity and their hearts but when it has come to matters of my own heart I have stumbled with my faith. Seeing that written is just weird. I've come to realize that I have taken such a beating in my personal life, one which I of course contributed to by allowing it, that my heart shut down again. It wasn't until "nameless" came into my life that I realized yet again how shut down I was.
I have to admit that it would feel a bit awkward to expose all "nameless" has taught me but I will say that I am beyond grateful. I don't really know him well at all but I do know that I have tried to make him someone he is not to allow myself to remain closed off to the part of my life. Every man I have crossed paths with romantically except one ex-boyfriend has either cheated on me or asked me to have an affair with them. The latter I refused to do so because it went against everything that felt right to me. I still and will forever believe that regardless of monogamy issues all these men were meant to cross paths with me and teach me about myself and my faith. A faith I am struggling with in matters of the heart but one that is beginning to find its way back into my life one day at a time. I do realize "nameless" is not all the things I tease him he is in order to keep him at arm's length. For all the stupid mean things I have said I am sorry. What I do know is that when he is in the room I am happy and when he leaves I don't want him to. That is it. That is all I know and for today I trust that, that is all I need to know. I can see why the universe crossed our paths. As more is revealed I will live my way into the what next and if anything is meant to be he will be in that what next and if not I am grateful for what he has already taught me. I forgot how great it felt to smile at the thought of someone. All I know now is I am very very happy to know such a fun, goofy, free spirited soul whose striking beauty is just icing on the cake. ;-)
As I move forward into the what next I am excited about the possibilities and what life is bringing into fruition for me. I know that what is yet to come must be felt with the heart and not the mind. I have been here repeatedly and it doesn't get easy just easier. Something is brewing for me in this vast universe. Something far beyond what I can imagine and all I can do is prepare myself, my teachers, and students to be open to the miracle that God and the universe are preparing us for and TRUST in the wisdom of a universe that has shown me repeatedly it can handle far more than I can ever imagine. For now my heart remains open to this very moment and every moment because I know that in order to LIVE experiences that hold no true logic or explanation I must continue to dance to the rhythm of my heart and its song, which only I can hear and it is then that I will live A LIFE UNCOMMON. "Come on you unbelievers, move out of the way! There is a new army coming and we are armed with faith! To live, we must give." May you find it in you to be able to GIVE your all in order to LIVE your life uncommon.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Born a child of gratitude, grateful for an extremely humbling year.
The more time goes by the more I realize it is no coincidence I was born Thanksgiving weekend because what you don't know is that I arrived a month early but I believe I arrived right on time. My mom tells me she was terrified at how tiny I was and she would hold me so close to keep me warm because I was all shades of purple. Well mom now I'm almost thirty-four and all shades of red as I have a crush which I am grateful for as it is proof that my heart has healed from all the lessons of this past year and then some breathing life into me again! I am filled with the colors of love, life, hope and gratitude! ;-)
This past year has brought so many lessons with it and my heart has broken and healed repeatedly showing me how beautifully complex we are and how amazingly we can recover from anything if we choose to. I believe that in time depending on how we see things we can also have gratitude for life and its lessons. While I may not always agree or understand the expense of what it took for some of those lessons I still eventually without a doubt arrive into gratitude. I have come to realize it is how I was born. Thinking back on my life as thirty-four arrives on Monday I am able to see that no matter what has happened I have eventually been grateful for the journey and the lessons it brought. Most of all I am grateful for the people those lessons and roads less traveled have brought into my life.
I have met the man whose work I read for over ten years, which inspired me to keep up the good fight eventually collaborating creatively with him. The people who are going to make my next dream a reality have come into my life and become my "family". I have crossed paths with women who do anything to help my dream come to life and who selflessly give asking nothing in return. I have shared a road with a man, left that road and returned to it to find two adults able to be friends and support eachother. These days it feels like he is supporting my dream more than I am his but in time I know the tables will turn. I have walked all my years with six brothers and sisters, an amazing mom, and a lovely step dad. All have been great teachers and all have led me on the road I am on today whether they knew it or not. Life gave me the gift of knowing what it's like to have a man believe in you when no one else does. Even if some of that journey's timing felt incredibly off in many ways, in one particular way it's timing was perfect. This was the first man to not only support me and my dreams but show up and show his support for my work and because of that I am eternally grateful to know what having someone GENUINELY believe in you asking nothing in return is like. Especially in my industry. Someone who just wants to see you succeed and is rooting for you even if our time together was brief the impact of the journey is forever.
I have said before that perhaps the biggest risk I take in my life is believing in a God and its guidance. I believe in its existence not because I have been taught to but because what I have lived has taught me to. Everything that happens in my life, harsh or beautiful, eventually leads me to an understanding of how truly magical each day is if our eyes our open to it. How precious each breathe is and how wonderful life can be if we make it about more than just ourselves. If we share our journey and allow others to share theirs we see how connected we are and what a small world it really is and how powerful it is to be of service to others.
Perhaps that is one of the biggest lesson life has brought this past year. I have had to be the receiver instead of the giver and have had to allow others to be of service to me. Something I originally fought with my Sagitarrius fire and stubborness and a lesson so constant that it reminded me that resistence is persistence so eventually I left myself be taken care of by others. From colds to production stuff to bigger things friends and family have stepped in to be of service to me. For them and their giving hearts I am eternally grateful and I am grateful to myself and my stubborness for learning when to let go and let God. ;-)
If I listed everyone that has impacted my life in this past year or past thirty-four we would be here for a good ten blogs. They know who they are and they know what they have done and best of all they have expected nothing in return. Tomorrow I will visit one of them in a way I NEVER EVER could have expected to. The last time I saw him he was walking backwards out of Portos with a big smile on his face, holding a bag and saying thank you A. Tomorrow I will pay him a visit and tell him like I did when he was here how GRATEFUL I was to have crossed paths with him, after all it's the day of gratefulness. If God ever showed its face to me it was definitely by allowing me to cross paths with Neil. He set the bar high as he was such a man of character and I am honored to have known of the existence of such a man.
Dear friends, treasure every moment, forgive yourself and others often, hold yourself in the same respect and high regard you have for others and you will not allow others to belittle you, give and expect nothing in return, believe yourself powerful and unique because YOU ARE, and accept nothing is guaranteed and you will LIVE!LOVE-LOVE-LOVE no matter how hard it may seem somedays to believe you ever will again, believe me in due time or as I say right on time you will again. Most of all have no doubt that just because you can't see someone anymore doesn't mean they aren't with you. Next time that crazy coincidence happens to you, look up, look within, smile and be grateful as I believe your friend, lover, mother, father or whomever you have lost has just crossed paths with you again. They are protecting you now and forever! For that protection, you, life, every breath, the sun, the moon, the smell of decaf coffee, my christmas tree (that is already up), my family, my friends, every part of body, my journey and its lessons and the ability to have thirty- four years of all this I am GRATEFUL. For this humbling year I am grateful because I was born a child of gratitude.
May you allow life to show you how magical it truly is and may everything and everyone make you grateful to have crossed paths with them. May they inspire you to thank them like I did earlier to all those who had stood by me this past year, via email, with the song below. Most of all may you be grateful no matter your circumstances and not be a victim of them trusting that everything is leading you somewhere or to someone. "A journey is best measured in friends rather than miles”. Tim Cahill
Thank you God, family, friends, and everything in this magical universe that makes this sometimes challenging journey a beautiful mess! Thank you for the gift of life GOD and the universe!!! Thank you!!! Happy Thanksgiving everyday! If you open your eyes you will find something to be grateful for everyday. I am grateful for your eyes which you have leant to my blog and spent some time with my thoughts. I thank you!
A glimpse of the people I am grateful for. This is just of sample of the beautiful souls who make my journey magical!
Neil and Millie Lisk- a lot of people have questioned the character David in my film and why he is so almost perfect. Good guys exist and the inspiration of keeping him as he is written is Neil. Never doubt that men of character whose love for their family exceeds life's temptations, exist. Neil is proof! He here is with one of his two favorite ladies and the reason he worked so hard. Words can not express how much you are missed.
My mentor, confidant, supporter and forever friend Paul.
Good times in LA this year with one of my six siblings.
The woman who made my existence possible, my lovely mom, and me in one of my FAVORITE pictures!
A weekend of work turned out to be a weekend of words my soul needed to be fed with. Here with the two people who are responsible for them, Michael and Lisa. Having wardrobe fun!
Bearing Fruit Family FUN! Love my "family". Couldn't have asked for more talented people to join me on the journey!
Once again thank you GOD for all the beautiful souls you have sent my way!
This past year has brought so many lessons with it and my heart has broken and healed repeatedly showing me how beautifully complex we are and how amazingly we can recover from anything if we choose to. I believe that in time depending on how we see things we can also have gratitude for life and its lessons. While I may not always agree or understand the expense of what it took for some of those lessons I still eventually without a doubt arrive into gratitude. I have come to realize it is how I was born. Thinking back on my life as thirty-four arrives on Monday I am able to see that no matter what has happened I have eventually been grateful for the journey and the lessons it brought. Most of all I am grateful for the people those lessons and roads less traveled have brought into my life.
I have met the man whose work I read for over ten years, which inspired me to keep up the good fight eventually collaborating creatively with him. The people who are going to make my next dream a reality have come into my life and become my "family". I have crossed paths with women who do anything to help my dream come to life and who selflessly give asking nothing in return. I have shared a road with a man, left that road and returned to it to find two adults able to be friends and support eachother. These days it feels like he is supporting my dream more than I am his but in time I know the tables will turn. I have walked all my years with six brothers and sisters, an amazing mom, and a lovely step dad. All have been great teachers and all have led me on the road I am on today whether they knew it or not. Life gave me the gift of knowing what it's like to have a man believe in you when no one else does. Even if some of that journey's timing felt incredibly off in many ways, in one particular way it's timing was perfect. This was the first man to not only support me and my dreams but show up and show his support for my work and because of that I am eternally grateful to know what having someone GENUINELY believe in you asking nothing in return is like. Especially in my industry. Someone who just wants to see you succeed and is rooting for you even if our time together was brief the impact of the journey is forever.
I have said before that perhaps the biggest risk I take in my life is believing in a God and its guidance. I believe in its existence not because I have been taught to but because what I have lived has taught me to. Everything that happens in my life, harsh or beautiful, eventually leads me to an understanding of how truly magical each day is if our eyes our open to it. How precious each breathe is and how wonderful life can be if we make it about more than just ourselves. If we share our journey and allow others to share theirs we see how connected we are and what a small world it really is and how powerful it is to be of service to others.
Perhaps that is one of the biggest lesson life has brought this past year. I have had to be the receiver instead of the giver and have had to allow others to be of service to me. Something I originally fought with my Sagitarrius fire and stubborness and a lesson so constant that it reminded me that resistence is persistence so eventually I left myself be taken care of by others. From colds to production stuff to bigger things friends and family have stepped in to be of service to me. For them and their giving hearts I am eternally grateful and I am grateful to myself and my stubborness for learning when to let go and let God. ;-)
If I listed everyone that has impacted my life in this past year or past thirty-four we would be here for a good ten blogs. They know who they are and they know what they have done and best of all they have expected nothing in return. Tomorrow I will visit one of them in a way I NEVER EVER could have expected to. The last time I saw him he was walking backwards out of Portos with a big smile on his face, holding a bag and saying thank you A. Tomorrow I will pay him a visit and tell him like I did when he was here how GRATEFUL I was to have crossed paths with him, after all it's the day of gratefulness. If God ever showed its face to me it was definitely by allowing me to cross paths with Neil. He set the bar high as he was such a man of character and I am honored to have known of the existence of such a man.
Dear friends, treasure every moment, forgive yourself and others often, hold yourself in the same respect and high regard you have for others and you will not allow others to belittle you, give and expect nothing in return, believe yourself powerful and unique because YOU ARE, and accept nothing is guaranteed and you will LIVE!LOVE-LOVE-LOVE no matter how hard it may seem somedays to believe you ever will again, believe me in due time or as I say right on time you will again. Most of all have no doubt that just because you can't see someone anymore doesn't mean they aren't with you. Next time that crazy coincidence happens to you, look up, look within, smile and be grateful as I believe your friend, lover, mother, father or whomever you have lost has just crossed paths with you again. They are protecting you now and forever! For that protection, you, life, every breath, the sun, the moon, the smell of decaf coffee, my christmas tree (that is already up), my family, my friends, every part of body, my journey and its lessons and the ability to have thirty- four years of all this I am GRATEFUL. For this humbling year I am grateful because I was born a child of gratitude.
May you allow life to show you how magical it truly is and may everything and everyone make you grateful to have crossed paths with them. May they inspire you to thank them like I did earlier to all those who had stood by me this past year, via email, with the song below. Most of all may you be grateful no matter your circumstances and not be a victim of them trusting that everything is leading you somewhere or to someone. "A journey is best measured in friends rather than miles”. Tim Cahill
Thank you God, family, friends, and everything in this magical universe that makes this sometimes challenging journey a beautiful mess! Thank you for the gift of life GOD and the universe!!! Thank you!!! Happy Thanksgiving everyday! If you open your eyes you will find something to be grateful for everyday. I am grateful for your eyes which you have leant to my blog and spent some time with my thoughts. I thank you!
A glimpse of the people I am grateful for. This is just of sample of the beautiful souls who make my journey magical!
Neil and Millie Lisk- a lot of people have questioned the character David in my film and why he is so almost perfect. Good guys exist and the inspiration of keeping him as he is written is Neil. Never doubt that men of character whose love for their family exceeds life's temptations, exist. Neil is proof! He here is with one of his two favorite ladies and the reason he worked so hard. Words can not express how much you are missed.
My mentor, confidant, supporter and forever friend Paul.
Good times in LA this year with one of my six siblings.
The woman who made my existence possible, my lovely mom, and me in one of my FAVORITE pictures!
A weekend of work turned out to be a weekend of words my soul needed to be fed with. Here with the two people who are responsible for them, Michael and Lisa. Having wardrobe fun!
Bearing Fruit Family FUN! Love my "family". Couldn't have asked for more talented people to join me on the journey!
Once again thank you GOD for all the beautiful souls you have sent my way!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Striping it all away- the reality behind the dream.
To say my life is busy right now is an understatement. I am being pulled in so many directions while challenges arise having to choose between moving forward or stopping. I have chosen repeatedly to move forward. It is this choice that inspired a friend of mine from Germany to send me an email and suggest that I write a book based on all I am living and have lived in 2010. His email came after my friend Silke also from Germany emailed earlier this year after reading my blog and suggested I turn my blog into a book. To me it is synchronicity to say the least because I have been wanting to finish a book I wrote in 2008 for a while now but just haven't had the time. I've trusted that when the time was right I would have the time to sit down and finish. In living this year I realized that the book wasn't ready to be continued until this journey I am currently on comes full circle.
I can say without a doubt that the past year of my life has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I have been continuously stripped of something or someone I thought I needed simply by believing in myself, my dreams, and my choices. It is in choosing to honor my individuality and my calling that people have walked out of my life or I have chosen to walk away. I have also been stripped in many areas of life and yet I trust with all my heart and soul that everything is exactly as it should be as it is leading me to where my journey needs to take me in life in order to fulfill my calling. So while you may see my website or my pictures of fun being had while casting my film, or doing wardrobe with the cast, or hanging out with them I see what it takes to live those moments.
There is a saying that behind every great man stands a strong woman. Well beside, not behind as I believe in equality, this woman stand the family and friends who have not only found a way to let me be but have also encouraged me to follow my dreams. If I am to speak in all honesty than I have to say that this production has had a constant revolving door like no other before. We've had to cast repeatedly to replace people, I've had to let people go who thought their job was secure and stopped making an effort to do their job and life has also simply changed things in ways that did not allow people to stay on the production. I believe in life we have to risk to reap rewards and with that thought in mind I have to thank Randy Kent, Jodi Scott Elliot, and Ryan Caldwell for not letting the constant in and out of others take their faith in me and the film from them. I don't even know if they've realized it but by standing firmly with me they've given me the courage to continue to move forward. Three people can make a bigger impact on me than a hundred challenges!
Those challenges are daily occurrences and the most important thing for me to remember is that my contribution to the world and humanity can not be deterred by occurrences which are out of my control. The most important thing for me is to be able to rise to the challenge and once again in the process realize just what I am capable of. What continues to happen, which should be of no shock to anyone who knows me is that my faith in God, the universe, and their plan for me continues to grow! The way I see it is by allowing to let things be what they are and not trying to fight the guidance of God I allow the journey to become more magical. People are being added to the mix right now that are making this journey even more meaningful and special as I was stripped of people my mind was tricking me into believing I needed. For me it's somewhat easy to continue forward because I believe in God and the universe as much as they believe in me therefore I know and trust I will live things that only this journey lived the way it's meant to could bring to life.
Everyone who CHOOSES to stand beside me is here because they are meant to be and together we will contribute to film making in a unique, impactful way that allows others to relate not escape. I don't produce to create an escape. My calling is to produce work that allows people to relate and creates a bridging of the gap society has imposed repeatedly on us with false advertisements only to make money and really in the end not with one care of how it affects the human race and our evolution. I am not out to make a buck and sell images so I believe firmly that everyone God sends my way ultimately has to support a collective dream or it won't work. Anyone in it just for their benefit can not be in this with us. Why? Simple, indie film making does not allow us the luxury of egos with a budget so small. It allows us the luxury of telling a story with passion and faith that it will impact the lives of others in a powerful way and in the process lead us to wherever life wants us to go.
For me to be able to help make some one's dream come true along with mine, whether it be the musician whose song will be heard by audiences watching our film, or the actor who will finally be seen after years of being unseen in this city of dreams called Hollywood which can actually destroy them more than help nourish them, for me that is part of what fuels me and allows me to move forward. To be able to tell a story and have so many people's voices heard drives me! I whole heartily believe that because my dream is not just about helping myself the universe conspires. While the journey to the conspiring may strip me of things, places, or people I thought I needed my reality based on my journey, which I've been paying close attention to, is that life is simply making room for what I truly need and not what I thought I needed.
My reality now brought a young woman with a dream into my life this past week. A woman who I have to admit reminds me a lot of me when I first got here. She's very young and very brave. Lisa has stepped in to fill some big shoes in our production and the more I get to know her the more I know it was no coincidence that the universe crossed our paths. Like I told her after a long day of wardrobe and after she said some very nice things to me, "I have no doubt that we were brought into each other's lives because we both NEEDED each other." It is in her that I see the face of God and it is those "coincidences" of life where I find the courage to move forward. I had to be stripped of someone to be led to her so I yet again can see that having my reality continuously stripped of the way I see it is ultimately God's way of helping me along the journey. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I AM AFFECTED BY THE INITIAL SHOCK OF YET ANOTHER CHALLENGE. Tell your mom I've got your back Lisa. ;-)
So Alex and Silke to answer your question, I have no doubt that when the time is right I will be guided to finish that book and until then I will continue to be grateful for people like you who help my dreams along the way. I'd be here forever if I told everyone who has helped thus far but I would like to say that people like Michael Mullen and Blanca Valdez who did not receive a dime for their services to my production and jumped in when I was stripped of others have the utmost respect in my heart for they believed in me when it seemed like so many where living in constant questioning. THANK YOU!!
My bottom line is this if you strip it all away from me you will find courage and faith backing my voice which refuses to be silenced simply because while life has chosen to take me through some pretty harsh roads to show me how precious each day is and how temporary this life is, it has taught me worthy of acquiring the knowledge that life is too short to abide by anyone else's voice but my own. Serelda G. Wallace was quoted as saying "The highest form of development is to govern one's self" and the only way to do that for me is to trust the engineer at the helm of this train ride called life. It is for me in its guidance that I have not only found my voice but I have found the courage to not allow anyone even those I love dearly to silence it. "when a train ride goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off, you still still and trust the engineer." C.T. Boom
Seems I found my theme for 2010. ;-) "If you strip me strip it all away what would you find? Take what you want, steal my pride, build me up or cut me down to size, shut me out but I'll just scream. I AM ONLY ONE VOICE IN A MILLION BUT YOU AIN'T TAKING THAT FROM ME. SOMETIMES ALL IT TAKES IS ONE VOICE"
Turns out that in order for my voice to be heard and become stronger I have to be stripped. May you allow the challenges of life that strip you of what you thought you needed fill you with courage and faith to allow what you truly need to live your dreams to enter your life! To all who choose to stand beside me I am deeply and eternally grateful. God thank you for the team/teachers ;-) you have chosen me worthy of traveling this journey with and thank you for letting them trust the engineer of this train ride. ;-)
I can say without a doubt that the past year of my life has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I have been continuously stripped of something or someone I thought I needed simply by believing in myself, my dreams, and my choices. It is in choosing to honor my individuality and my calling that people have walked out of my life or I have chosen to walk away. I have also been stripped in many areas of life and yet I trust with all my heart and soul that everything is exactly as it should be as it is leading me to where my journey needs to take me in life in order to fulfill my calling. So while you may see my website or my pictures of fun being had while casting my film, or doing wardrobe with the cast, or hanging out with them I see what it takes to live those moments.
There is a saying that behind every great man stands a strong woman. Well beside, not behind as I believe in equality, this woman stand the family and friends who have not only found a way to let me be but have also encouraged me to follow my dreams. If I am to speak in all honesty than I have to say that this production has had a constant revolving door like no other before. We've had to cast repeatedly to replace people, I've had to let people go who thought their job was secure and stopped making an effort to do their job and life has also simply changed things in ways that did not allow people to stay on the production. I believe in life we have to risk to reap rewards and with that thought in mind I have to thank Randy Kent, Jodi Scott Elliot, and Ryan Caldwell for not letting the constant in and out of others take their faith in me and the film from them. I don't even know if they've realized it but by standing firmly with me they've given me the courage to continue to move forward. Three people can make a bigger impact on me than a hundred challenges!
Those challenges are daily occurrences and the most important thing for me to remember is that my contribution to the world and humanity can not be deterred by occurrences which are out of my control. The most important thing for me is to be able to rise to the challenge and once again in the process realize just what I am capable of. What continues to happen, which should be of no shock to anyone who knows me is that my faith in God, the universe, and their plan for me continues to grow! The way I see it is by allowing to let things be what they are and not trying to fight the guidance of God I allow the journey to become more magical. People are being added to the mix right now that are making this journey even more meaningful and special as I was stripped of people my mind was tricking me into believing I needed. For me it's somewhat easy to continue forward because I believe in God and the universe as much as they believe in me therefore I know and trust I will live things that only this journey lived the way it's meant to could bring to life.
Everyone who CHOOSES to stand beside me is here because they are meant to be and together we will contribute to film making in a unique, impactful way that allows others to relate not escape. I don't produce to create an escape. My calling is to produce work that allows people to relate and creates a bridging of the gap society has imposed repeatedly on us with false advertisements only to make money and really in the end not with one care of how it affects the human race and our evolution. I am not out to make a buck and sell images so I believe firmly that everyone God sends my way ultimately has to support a collective dream or it won't work. Anyone in it just for their benefit can not be in this with us. Why? Simple, indie film making does not allow us the luxury of egos with a budget so small. It allows us the luxury of telling a story with passion and faith that it will impact the lives of others in a powerful way and in the process lead us to wherever life wants us to go.
For me to be able to help make some one's dream come true along with mine, whether it be the musician whose song will be heard by audiences watching our film, or the actor who will finally be seen after years of being unseen in this city of dreams called Hollywood which can actually destroy them more than help nourish them, for me that is part of what fuels me and allows me to move forward. To be able to tell a story and have so many people's voices heard drives me! I whole heartily believe that because my dream is not just about helping myself the universe conspires. While the journey to the conspiring may strip me of things, places, or people I thought I needed my reality based on my journey, which I've been paying close attention to, is that life is simply making room for what I truly need and not what I thought I needed.
My reality now brought a young woman with a dream into my life this past week. A woman who I have to admit reminds me a lot of me when I first got here. She's very young and very brave. Lisa has stepped in to fill some big shoes in our production and the more I get to know her the more I know it was no coincidence that the universe crossed our paths. Like I told her after a long day of wardrobe and after she said some very nice things to me, "I have no doubt that we were brought into each other's lives because we both NEEDED each other." It is in her that I see the face of God and it is those "coincidences" of life where I find the courage to move forward. I had to be stripped of someone to be led to her so I yet again can see that having my reality continuously stripped of the way I see it is ultimately God's way of helping me along the journey. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I AM AFFECTED BY THE INITIAL SHOCK OF YET ANOTHER CHALLENGE. Tell your mom I've got your back Lisa. ;-)
So Alex and Silke to answer your question, I have no doubt that when the time is right I will be guided to finish that book and until then I will continue to be grateful for people like you who help my dreams along the way. I'd be here forever if I told everyone who has helped thus far but I would like to say that people like Michael Mullen and Blanca Valdez who did not receive a dime for their services to my production and jumped in when I was stripped of others have the utmost respect in my heart for they believed in me when it seemed like so many where living in constant questioning. THANK YOU!!
My bottom line is this if you strip it all away from me you will find courage and faith backing my voice which refuses to be silenced simply because while life has chosen to take me through some pretty harsh roads to show me how precious each day is and how temporary this life is, it has taught me worthy of acquiring the knowledge that life is too short to abide by anyone else's voice but my own. Serelda G. Wallace was quoted as saying "The highest form of development is to govern one's self" and the only way to do that for me is to trust the engineer at the helm of this train ride called life. It is for me in its guidance that I have not only found my voice but I have found the courage to not allow anyone even those I love dearly to silence it. "when a train ride goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off, you still still and trust the engineer." C.T. Boom
Seems I found my theme for 2010. ;-) "If you strip me strip it all away what would you find? Take what you want, steal my pride, build me up or cut me down to size, shut me out but I'll just scream. I AM ONLY ONE VOICE IN A MILLION BUT YOU AIN'T TAKING THAT FROM ME. SOMETIMES ALL IT TAKES IS ONE VOICE"
Turns out that in order for my voice to be heard and become stronger I have to be stripped. May you allow the challenges of life that strip you of what you thought you needed fill you with courage and faith to allow what you truly need to live your dreams to enter your life! To all who choose to stand beside me I am deeply and eternally grateful. God thank you for the team/teachers ;-) you have chosen me worthy of traveling this journey with and thank you for letting them trust the engineer of this train ride. ;-)
Friday, November 5, 2010
Seeking rewards without taking a risk.
I find myself in a lot of situations these days that bring with them the lesson that society has perhaps taught us that things should be easy and handed to us and that if there is any sort of struggle then we should just give up and walk away and call it not meant to be. While sometimes that can be true and there will be obvious signs that will demonstrate that sometimes detours are there to lead you to a more extraordinary journey than the one you envision. Roadblocks to me are God's way of showing itself. Accepting them gives me the ability to know what to do with them, which comes from paying attention to my life and the lesson is has brought repeatedly. Roadblocks just happen to be the way I co-create my life with what I believe is my creator and meet my destiny. A creator I have no problem calling God simply because it's a God of my understanding not anyone else's idea of God or what we've been sold to believe God is. No punishing God for me. God is what is with me when life happens on its terms and it happens everyday of every year and some years, like this one for me, more than others.
I know that the media is constantly reminding us these days what terrible times these are so much so that I have had to make a conscious decision to not watch the news. Yes I agree these are definitely interesting times like I have never seen in my thirty three years of existence but I will hold onto my belief quite firmly that everything happens as it should. There are no accidents. There are plenty of times along the way I have wished that wasn't the case but in time have come to understand that for me there is a plan taking place in my life. That plan aka destiny aka my calling will not unfold unless I consciously choose to risk and plant seeds in the winter in the middle of the snow in Denver. Yes it sounds ludicrous but I believe in miracles and following my heart and that means that sometimes my heart asks such request of me. Have no doubt when I am initially given the direction I must head to next and it sounds as crazy as planting seeds in the middle of the snow in Denver I think to myself "Seriously, wow this just keeps getting more interesting" but I do it because I have trust in what is to follow.
This past year has asked A LOT of me. Perhaps more than any other year or at least it seems like it. I've seen the man I thought I would marry wed someone else, I've seen my production company grow smaller than it was which seems almost impossible, I lost tremendously on some gambles and finally was dealt with another blow of this already tumultuous year, seeing Neil leave this planet. As if everything hadn't already been a lot. However this was also the year I continued to help raise Zoey, got a humongous crush on someone just so my heart could show me it was still possible, raised awareness of the global water crisis, continued to watch my commercial for such a cause take home awards including one in Shanghai, chose to volunteer six months as a UNICEF Tap Project coordinator in order to produce their fundraiser, moved forward with my dreams in spite of what I see before me and accomplished what I long for the most, growth in my beliefs and faith.
I've been here before. A place where life has shown you how precious and delicate it is that you find yourself realizing yet again it can end in an instant. So the questions have been pouring in. Am I doing what I truly believe to be my calling? Yes. Do I show love as best as I can everyday? Yes. Do I trust in the wisdom of the universe? Yes, while it's been tested severely this year the answer is still yes. Do I believe there is a plan ordained by something far more magical and powerful than I can understand and may never truly comprehend in this existence I chose to call God? Yes, while it's also been severely tested the answer is still yes. Do I believe I am doing everything I can to create my own family and live in unconditional love? Yes, everyday as best as I can. So what does this all mean to me? That I can't sit here and spill my thoughts out to whoever is meant to read this and not be genuinely me. That means I have to admit my truth. I am struggling but I will see the light again and I will shine brightly once again when the lesson has made its way through. I can not ask this to go away or run from it and trust me the thought of throwing my clothes, awards, and pictures in boxes and selling everything else and then just driving away from all this pain has crossed my mind more than once. It is then that I know I must do what is the toughest thing for me right now BE STILL AND BE IN THE DISCOMFORT OF FEAR AND SADNESS because that is the only way I will make my way THROUGH IT AND INTO ACCEPTANCE OF MY REALITY, which will allow the fog to lift and the light to shine again. So I will risk everyday not feeling well so that I can eventually be my GENUINE happy soul/self again.
In the midst of all this darkness I have not lost the feeling that God is with me at all times and it's what helps me make it through these times. I know that the light of God, Neil, my grandfather, my first therapist, and others is a shield of bright light that surrounds me and while these days the shield is cracking and darkness creeps in taking advantage of my fragile vulnerability I TRUST WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY HEART AND SOUL that I am exactly where I am supposed to be learning and growing and preparing for what is yet to come. I am stronger at the end of each day and at the end of each lesson not because I am different and have been blessed to be that way but because I CHOOSE to be that way. I choose love and anything else that allows the light in me to shine. A friend of Neil's told me that the best she could do in his honor was be IN love like he was. The best I can do in his honor is LIVE! I know he's helping me through all this. Yes I do believe he is an angel now, maybe not with wings etc. or maybe so- who knows, but what I don't doubt is that if all of us who miss him are getting through this it's because he is guiding us. He knows I want my light to shine again so I believe he is part of what reminds me everyday that it's okay to be where I am and that eventually I will shine brighter than ever when I've made my way through the feelings.
As I make my way through these feelings I choose to be faith in action by taking action and moving forward in this constantly changing life and production of mine. I can not ask people to be willing to RISK to see REWARDS like life has shown me repeatedly is the case but what I can do is make sure all the dead weight on the ship I am steering through unknown stormy waters is off my ship, which lightens the load and allows me to make my way to the brightly lit shores sooner. That light will come soon too and everything will come together even as everything continues to constantly change. I trust that the changes, which seem to be taking place weekly these days and make my work load heavier are also as they should be and leading me exactly to where I should be while gifting me with countless teachers of lessons God and the universe know I need. So I will continue to take one of the biggest risks ever, believing that something is out there and it's guiding me, and have no doubt the rewards will arrive on time if I continue to risk. Another choice I make.
I believe that seeking rewards without taking a risk is like asking a plant to grow without planting a seed and watering it. I've witnessed a lot of people this year want such a thing. All I can do is continue to lead by example and be me which means be in this beautiful mess of a life that has chosen me, all of us for that matter, and which I have chosen back. My bottom line is best expressed in these words spoken by Diana Nyad, "I am willing to put myself through anything; temporary pain or discomfort means nothing to me as long as I can see that the experience will take me to a new level. I am interested in the unknown, and the only path to the unknown is through breaking barriers, an often-painful process."
All that means in simple terms is I choose to LIVE. May you choose LIFE and allow it to choose you and most of all like me I hope that no matter what your eyes see or your heart feels I pray that you trust that when the time is right your LIGHT will shine! I have faith that when you are ready and the universe asks you to RISK you will and you will reap the REWARDS you deserve in order to SHINE, SHINE, SHINE how only you can!!! May you have the courage to let us all see the gift only you can give us! Let us see your destiny! THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL THIS IS YOUR LIFE!
This blog is dedicated to my friend Paul Rodriguez. Life has given us the gift of coming full circle and this has allowed him to be a friend to me when I needed him most. He knows what he's done and why he deserves this dedication. He too is helping my light shine again.;-)
I know that the media is constantly reminding us these days what terrible times these are so much so that I have had to make a conscious decision to not watch the news. Yes I agree these are definitely interesting times like I have never seen in my thirty three years of existence but I will hold onto my belief quite firmly that everything happens as it should. There are no accidents. There are plenty of times along the way I have wished that wasn't the case but in time have come to understand that for me there is a plan taking place in my life. That plan aka destiny aka my calling will not unfold unless I consciously choose to risk and plant seeds in the winter in the middle of the snow in Denver. Yes it sounds ludicrous but I believe in miracles and following my heart and that means that sometimes my heart asks such request of me. Have no doubt when I am initially given the direction I must head to next and it sounds as crazy as planting seeds in the middle of the snow in Denver I think to myself "Seriously, wow this just keeps getting more interesting" but I do it because I have trust in what is to follow.
This past year has asked A LOT of me. Perhaps more than any other year or at least it seems like it. I've seen the man I thought I would marry wed someone else, I've seen my production company grow smaller than it was which seems almost impossible, I lost tremendously on some gambles and finally was dealt with another blow of this already tumultuous year, seeing Neil leave this planet. As if everything hadn't already been a lot. However this was also the year I continued to help raise Zoey, got a humongous crush on someone just so my heart could show me it was still possible, raised awareness of the global water crisis, continued to watch my commercial for such a cause take home awards including one in Shanghai, chose to volunteer six months as a UNICEF Tap Project coordinator in order to produce their fundraiser, moved forward with my dreams in spite of what I see before me and accomplished what I long for the most, growth in my beliefs and faith.
I've been here before. A place where life has shown you how precious and delicate it is that you find yourself realizing yet again it can end in an instant. So the questions have been pouring in. Am I doing what I truly believe to be my calling? Yes. Do I show love as best as I can everyday? Yes. Do I trust in the wisdom of the universe? Yes, while it's been tested severely this year the answer is still yes. Do I believe there is a plan ordained by something far more magical and powerful than I can understand and may never truly comprehend in this existence I chose to call God? Yes, while it's also been severely tested the answer is still yes. Do I believe I am doing everything I can to create my own family and live in unconditional love? Yes, everyday as best as I can. So what does this all mean to me? That I can't sit here and spill my thoughts out to whoever is meant to read this and not be genuinely me. That means I have to admit my truth. I am struggling but I will see the light again and I will shine brightly once again when the lesson has made its way through. I can not ask this to go away or run from it and trust me the thought of throwing my clothes, awards, and pictures in boxes and selling everything else and then just driving away from all this pain has crossed my mind more than once. It is then that I know I must do what is the toughest thing for me right now BE STILL AND BE IN THE DISCOMFORT OF FEAR AND SADNESS because that is the only way I will make my way THROUGH IT AND INTO ACCEPTANCE OF MY REALITY, which will allow the fog to lift and the light to shine again. So I will risk everyday not feeling well so that I can eventually be my GENUINE happy soul/self again.
In the midst of all this darkness I have not lost the feeling that God is with me at all times and it's what helps me make it through these times. I know that the light of God, Neil, my grandfather, my first therapist, and others is a shield of bright light that surrounds me and while these days the shield is cracking and darkness creeps in taking advantage of my fragile vulnerability I TRUST WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY HEART AND SOUL that I am exactly where I am supposed to be learning and growing and preparing for what is yet to come. I am stronger at the end of each day and at the end of each lesson not because I am different and have been blessed to be that way but because I CHOOSE to be that way. I choose love and anything else that allows the light in me to shine. A friend of Neil's told me that the best she could do in his honor was be IN love like he was. The best I can do in his honor is LIVE! I know he's helping me through all this. Yes I do believe he is an angel now, maybe not with wings etc. or maybe so- who knows, but what I don't doubt is that if all of us who miss him are getting through this it's because he is guiding us. He knows I want my light to shine again so I believe he is part of what reminds me everyday that it's okay to be where I am and that eventually I will shine brighter than ever when I've made my way through the feelings.
As I make my way through these feelings I choose to be faith in action by taking action and moving forward in this constantly changing life and production of mine. I can not ask people to be willing to RISK to see REWARDS like life has shown me repeatedly is the case but what I can do is make sure all the dead weight on the ship I am steering through unknown stormy waters is off my ship, which lightens the load and allows me to make my way to the brightly lit shores sooner. That light will come soon too and everything will come together even as everything continues to constantly change. I trust that the changes, which seem to be taking place weekly these days and make my work load heavier are also as they should be and leading me exactly to where I should be while gifting me with countless teachers of lessons God and the universe know I need. So I will continue to take one of the biggest risks ever, believing that something is out there and it's guiding me, and have no doubt the rewards will arrive on time if I continue to risk. Another choice I make.
I believe that seeking rewards without taking a risk is like asking a plant to grow without planting a seed and watering it. I've witnessed a lot of people this year want such a thing. All I can do is continue to lead by example and be me which means be in this beautiful mess of a life that has chosen me, all of us for that matter, and which I have chosen back. My bottom line is best expressed in these words spoken by Diana Nyad, "I am willing to put myself through anything; temporary pain or discomfort means nothing to me as long as I can see that the experience will take me to a new level. I am interested in the unknown, and the only path to the unknown is through breaking barriers, an often-painful process."
All that means in simple terms is I choose to LIVE. May you choose LIFE and allow it to choose you and most of all like me I hope that no matter what your eyes see or your heart feels I pray that you trust that when the time is right your LIGHT will shine! I have faith that when you are ready and the universe asks you to RISK you will and you will reap the REWARDS you deserve in order to SHINE, SHINE, SHINE how only you can!!! May you have the courage to let us all see the gift only you can give us! Let us see your destiny! THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL THIS IS YOUR LIFE!
This blog is dedicated to my friend Paul Rodriguez. Life has given us the gift of coming full circle and this has allowed him to be a friend to me when I needed him most. He knows what he's done and why he deserves this dedication. He too is helping my light shine again.;-)
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Spreading my wings and learning to fly again.
Today is a very special day. Exactly one year ago today I was standing on the red carpet in Rome for the first time in my life for a production I had created based on my favorite author’s work. It was definitely one of the most surreal yet beautiful moments in my life. I remember like it was yesterday looking up at the night sky and smiling at God thinking to myself “you did it again”. As I see it God guides me by sending me signs through the universe and they lead to amazing experiences, which can only be achieved by chartering the waters of the unknown. The most commonly asked questions when I am doing any project is “Where did you get the money?” or “How do you know what you are doing?” I don’t want to frighten anyone but the truth is if I had the answers to any of those questions I’d have to know God’s plan and I don’t.
People tend to think I am overprotective refusing to talk about what I am working on which is true to a certain extent but the whole truth is I don’t know how I am doing it I just am, the money will come for one of the investors the universe via God’s guidance will guide me to, and no I don’t know what I am doing because I didn’t go to film school so I just have to learn as I go. There you have it. So if you happen to be one of the people who constantly bombards me with questions wanting to know how etc., I will let you in on my secret, I follow the signs. ;-) If you read my blogs you know what that means but if you don’t I have lost you so let me explain.
A few years ago, almost five actually, I decided to stop listening to the chatter of all the voices in my head, which were compiled from everyone I had ever encountered. For whatever reason mostly everyone’s fears of what you can’t accomplish in life. So I opened up Adriana Garza Productions, my indie production company, with no set plans other than what was before me at the time, a play titled “The Art of Being”. From there I won an award for being the woman behind the play and when all that came to an end including the tour of the play in 07’ I knew the journey had come with a HUGE lesson, “follow your heart and the rest will follow”. So when my ex questioned what I would do next and I would tell him I was waiting for a sign and it became too much for him it actually was because he was the sign! His constant pressure to try and make me someone else caused us to fall apart and in the falling apart he left my life and I lived my way into the what next, which led me to Austin with a novel in hand titled The Witch of Portobello. God was using him to let me know in a not so easy or great way that the best love is self-love and that self-love leads to following your heart. Every journey comes with a price but the highest price I could ever pay is disrespecting myself or changing my beliefs to please someone else.
So I would go on to adapt that novel, enter the author’s International Film Competition and end up on the red carpet in Rome walking with him exactly a year ago today and a year and a half after breaking up with my ex. That is why I was smiling at God. In utter and complete gratitude for giving me the courage to follow the signs and honor my calling. Anyone who knows me knows I long for love and to be able to create my own family. I tell you this because I feel like reading this can sometimes make my choices sound easy but they aren’t. Leaving my ex meant leaving my dream of a family behind but it also meant continuing to grow in faith because it is only when my life comes undone of how I imagined it that I allow God and the universe to come in and bring magical miracles to life. Like you I get lonely and sad about not having a family of my own yet but I think I would definitely be more sad if I had created one with my ex because our reality was that we were too different. It would have been like MTV marrying PBS. ;-)
So here I am today back in the place I escaped to when my ex decided to tell me that all he had loved about me when we began dating was everything that scared him about me, Austin. It is my last day here and I am sitting at one of my favorite places, Walton’s downtown, typing away while enjoying my morning coffee. I am taking in all that I have lived these past ten days. A lot is about to happen in the coming months and that is what brought me here. Yet again I followed the signs and they led me home to Austin. For those of you who don’t know I was born and raised in Texas. Always have been a Texas girl at heart so I have never really been able to adapt to the superficiality of LA, as things are quite simple here in Texas. ;-)
Like I mentioned earlier it is a year to the day that I was in Rome at my film’s premiere and it is also freedom day! Someday a blog will explain Freedom day but it’s just not quite time yet. ;-) It is time to move forward beyond a difficult year. One of the most difficult years of my life, which was so mixed with beauty and messes that I can’t help but call it a beautiful mess. To me life happens on its terms and some of those terms, like a friend being taken in what I consider to be too soon, will never hold logic and others will bring answers with them in time like October 20, 2010 does for me. The day I blog about it all candidly some of you may question how I can stand or even be able to move forward which brings me to today.
Today I am ready to spread my wings and fly again, which can only happen because I walk by faith not by sight. Trust me if I walked by sight I wouldn't move. I am not plan person, I am a dreamer so what I plan is to continue to dream carrying with me they only baggage necessary as my dreams take flight, a suitcase full of faith. I do not know what each day will bring but what I do know is what I dream it will bring to life when I am ready. If life has taught me anything in the last five years is that if you truly do want to make God laugh make a plan of exactly how you see your life and try to make it happen ONLY THAT WAY. The other lesson has been that if you truly want to make God smile dream of how you see your life, work hard to make it your reality, let go of control, surrender to the circumstances, cry your way through disappointments, get back up when you are ready, be open to the ENDLESS possibilities exceeding the reality you dreamt of for yourself, realize that the END of something means life wants to take you in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION if you allow it to, never let go of faith no matter how hard it gets, and soon before you know it you will fly again just on time and just when you thought you couldn’t anymore. Life has shown me that like a season changing or a butterfly emerging from its cocoon I too had to be taken through some strong winds, fires, etc. to prepare me for my destiny.
In the past five years I’ve had my heart broken by lovers, broken hearts, lost dreams, dreamt up new ones, lost friends, gained new ones, was on the brink of losing hope only to be reminded by my faith that hope is never gone as long as I can accept that a lot is out of my control, angered family members and been angry at some, I’ve been caught by the arms of my friends and been fortunate enough to be able to catch some of them as they fall, seen someone I admire deeply transition into the new world, after life, hereafter or whatever comes next and fell so deeply into the darkness of it that the arms of fear caught me but I was quickly picked up by the hand of God and taken back into the arms of faith. While I move forward through my beautiful mess I know one thing is certain you will want to stay tuned because its about to get good, real good and I have NO DOUBT Neil is now guiding me along with my grandpa and others and that means it can only exceed my dreams yet again.
A lot lies in the unknown for me today but the reality is a lot lies in the unknown for all of us everyday. You see no one of us really know if we will make it through the day today but we have faith we will. You may not be aware of it but you’re living in faith just by waking up today and I hope that the awareness of that allows you to LIVE. I have faith that you will find your wings once again through this beautiful mess called life like I have. When you are ready to fly again I hope that like me you fly to the rhythm of the song only you can hear, the one in your heart that God along with your guardian angels provides. Like me I hope you do yourself the honor of honoring your individuality and in the process allow all of us to be gifted with that which only you can bring to life as there is only one you. I have faith that you can do it your way! I have and as life keeps coming at me with lessons of how PRECIOUS each day is I will continue to fly as high as each day allows me to. I am a butterfly just emerging from its cocoon after my metamorphisis and once again I am spreading my wings and I AM READY TO FLY!
Quote of the day calendar October 20,2010 (SINCHRONICITY!)
"If a life can have a theme song, and I believe that every worthwhile one has, mine is best expressed in one word: individualism." Ayn Rand
People tend to think I am overprotective refusing to talk about what I am working on which is true to a certain extent but the whole truth is I don’t know how I am doing it I just am, the money will come for one of the investors the universe via God’s guidance will guide me to, and no I don’t know what I am doing because I didn’t go to film school so I just have to learn as I go. There you have it. So if you happen to be one of the people who constantly bombards me with questions wanting to know how etc., I will let you in on my secret, I follow the signs. ;-) If you read my blogs you know what that means but if you don’t I have lost you so let me explain.
A few years ago, almost five actually, I decided to stop listening to the chatter of all the voices in my head, which were compiled from everyone I had ever encountered. For whatever reason mostly everyone’s fears of what you can’t accomplish in life. So I opened up Adriana Garza Productions, my indie production company, with no set plans other than what was before me at the time, a play titled “The Art of Being”. From there I won an award for being the woman behind the play and when all that came to an end including the tour of the play in 07’ I knew the journey had come with a HUGE lesson, “follow your heart and the rest will follow”. So when my ex questioned what I would do next and I would tell him I was waiting for a sign and it became too much for him it actually was because he was the sign! His constant pressure to try and make me someone else caused us to fall apart and in the falling apart he left my life and I lived my way into the what next, which led me to Austin with a novel in hand titled The Witch of Portobello. God was using him to let me know in a not so easy or great way that the best love is self-love and that self-love leads to following your heart. Every journey comes with a price but the highest price I could ever pay is disrespecting myself or changing my beliefs to please someone else.
So I would go on to adapt that novel, enter the author’s International Film Competition and end up on the red carpet in Rome walking with him exactly a year ago today and a year and a half after breaking up with my ex. That is why I was smiling at God. In utter and complete gratitude for giving me the courage to follow the signs and honor my calling. Anyone who knows me knows I long for love and to be able to create my own family. I tell you this because I feel like reading this can sometimes make my choices sound easy but they aren’t. Leaving my ex meant leaving my dream of a family behind but it also meant continuing to grow in faith because it is only when my life comes undone of how I imagined it that I allow God and the universe to come in and bring magical miracles to life. Like you I get lonely and sad about not having a family of my own yet but I think I would definitely be more sad if I had created one with my ex because our reality was that we were too different. It would have been like MTV marrying PBS. ;-)
So here I am today back in the place I escaped to when my ex decided to tell me that all he had loved about me when we began dating was everything that scared him about me, Austin. It is my last day here and I am sitting at one of my favorite places, Walton’s downtown, typing away while enjoying my morning coffee. I am taking in all that I have lived these past ten days. A lot is about to happen in the coming months and that is what brought me here. Yet again I followed the signs and they led me home to Austin. For those of you who don’t know I was born and raised in Texas. Always have been a Texas girl at heart so I have never really been able to adapt to the superficiality of LA, as things are quite simple here in Texas. ;-)
Like I mentioned earlier it is a year to the day that I was in Rome at my film’s premiere and it is also freedom day! Someday a blog will explain Freedom day but it’s just not quite time yet. ;-) It is time to move forward beyond a difficult year. One of the most difficult years of my life, which was so mixed with beauty and messes that I can’t help but call it a beautiful mess. To me life happens on its terms and some of those terms, like a friend being taken in what I consider to be too soon, will never hold logic and others will bring answers with them in time like October 20, 2010 does for me. The day I blog about it all candidly some of you may question how I can stand or even be able to move forward which brings me to today.
Today I am ready to spread my wings and fly again, which can only happen because I walk by faith not by sight. Trust me if I walked by sight I wouldn't move. I am not plan person, I am a dreamer so what I plan is to continue to dream carrying with me they only baggage necessary as my dreams take flight, a suitcase full of faith. I do not know what each day will bring but what I do know is what I dream it will bring to life when I am ready. If life has taught me anything in the last five years is that if you truly do want to make God laugh make a plan of exactly how you see your life and try to make it happen ONLY THAT WAY. The other lesson has been that if you truly want to make God smile dream of how you see your life, work hard to make it your reality, let go of control, surrender to the circumstances, cry your way through disappointments, get back up when you are ready, be open to the ENDLESS possibilities exceeding the reality you dreamt of for yourself, realize that the END of something means life wants to take you in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION if you allow it to, never let go of faith no matter how hard it gets, and soon before you know it you will fly again just on time and just when you thought you couldn’t anymore. Life has shown me that like a season changing or a butterfly emerging from its cocoon I too had to be taken through some strong winds, fires, etc. to prepare me for my destiny.
In the past five years I’ve had my heart broken by lovers, broken hearts, lost dreams, dreamt up new ones, lost friends, gained new ones, was on the brink of losing hope only to be reminded by my faith that hope is never gone as long as I can accept that a lot is out of my control, angered family members and been angry at some, I’ve been caught by the arms of my friends and been fortunate enough to be able to catch some of them as they fall, seen someone I admire deeply transition into the new world, after life, hereafter or whatever comes next and fell so deeply into the darkness of it that the arms of fear caught me but I was quickly picked up by the hand of God and taken back into the arms of faith. While I move forward through my beautiful mess I know one thing is certain you will want to stay tuned because its about to get good, real good and I have NO DOUBT Neil is now guiding me along with my grandpa and others and that means it can only exceed my dreams yet again.
A lot lies in the unknown for me today but the reality is a lot lies in the unknown for all of us everyday. You see no one of us really know if we will make it through the day today but we have faith we will. You may not be aware of it but you’re living in faith just by waking up today and I hope that the awareness of that allows you to LIVE. I have faith that you will find your wings once again through this beautiful mess called life like I have. When you are ready to fly again I hope that like me you fly to the rhythm of the song only you can hear, the one in your heart that God along with your guardian angels provides. Like me I hope you do yourself the honor of honoring your individuality and in the process allow all of us to be gifted with that which only you can bring to life as there is only one you. I have faith that you can do it your way! I have and as life keeps coming at me with lessons of how PRECIOUS each day is I will continue to fly as high as each day allows me to. I am a butterfly just emerging from its cocoon after my metamorphisis and once again I am spreading my wings and I AM READY TO FLY!
Quote of the day calendar October 20,2010 (SINCHRONICITY!)
"If a life can have a theme song, and I believe that every worthwhile one has, mine is best expressed in one word: individualism." Ayn Rand
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
A question of faith.
I've always considered myself a pretty emotional person. One thing I am not is detached from my feelings. Since I can recall I have always easily felt pain as well as happiness. I've been called too emotional and it has been suggested that my emotions, while they serve me a purpose as an actor, may be best left for just acting as they may just be too much for life. To that I say THANK GOD I FEEL!! In the past few weeks I've realized I have more emotions that I ever thought possible. I can go from sadness to denial to outright confusion to acceptance in 60 seconds. I've been living through something all of us will face in life eventually. The loss of someone close to us. That my dear friends is all of ours destiny. In the process I've learned so many things.
I've learned that death scares some people so much they haven't been able to be my friend in the past few weeks while others have constantly checked in to make sure I am okay. Some, like Pamela, have gone as far as repeatedly asked me to join them on their outings to make sure I don't spend too much time alone and lost in the constant questioning going on these days. Eric sat with me at a cafe after the memorial to let me talk and try to make me smile. Mary Queen listens and listens and listens and has since the day I confirmed Neil's passing. Bev who knew Neil lets me cry and talk and then cry talk which I am certain she doesn't understand literally but tries too. My mom listens to me as I constantly ask her "You guys get that despite some of my words, my actions should show you I love you. My actions do show you I love you? Right? Right? I show you. Do I?" And then there's been the strangers who caught me in my building elevator and made the mistake of asking me how I was while being caught in one of my moments of deep sadness. Some have listened to me, some have asked me over for coffee, and some have called to check that I'm okay. Overall I've seen how much God shows it loves you when you live alone and feel so alone because life happened on life's terms.
In the process of living through Neil's passing I've come to understand that while I am not entirely ready to stop existing in human form I am not terrified of death. I am actually terrified of what it could do to my mom. :-( I can recall when my car spun across the ten freeway out of control as my tire popped and I hit the brakes and all I thought of was "God please help my mom understand this", believing it was not going to end well. I was twenty-two at the time. Thinking of that made me realize that I am majorly struggling to understand why someone would be taken back home at a young age and in the process come to understand that the possibilities are endless and that is why it is important to live as I believe Neil did, with PASSION. I have endless questions why now, why him, how come he didn't get to see Millie grow up, why, how, why, how,....you get the picture. Then comes the sadness followed by a moment of acceptance back to denial and anger followed by the certainty that it's a dream only to find it's not.
I was giving myself a really hard time this week for not having it together and it was then that it hit me. I won't and how can I really expect myself to as I am currently making my way through the questions. Some which may never have answers but what I have learned already is how important it is to live a life of service to others, a life where you actively pursue your dream and therefore a life that makes your dreams your reality. A life full of love, anger, sadness, happiness, bliss, gratitude and all the emotions that come with being alive in this unpredictable beautiful mess called life. Something I am grateful I am already doing.
Something or should I say someone has told me this is but a dream, my current reality and Neil's current reality, both dreams in different dimensions and I have to say it provided great comfort. Both of us living dreams in different ways. Is that the truth? Neither him nor I know. Actually he may have more info than me now. ;-) What I do know is that I want to live just as I had been before this. While this has rocked my world and made me question a lot it is because of my faith that I will make it through this and through my own transition whenever that arrives. I want unconditional LOVE that gives way to kids, I want to experience what my UNICEF commercial and my play accomplished again in different ways and I want to continue to live knowing that how I impact people's lives everyday is much more important than my job and that my belongings do not make me! That money does not define me! I want to give, I want to forgive, I want to be forgiven, I want to be angry, I want to be happy, frustrated and okay with all my emotions.
What helps me make it through these days while fear (false evidence appearing real) tries to get the best of me while my world is rocked, is my faith. I know I will not understand everything that happens in my life. I know somethings like a dear beautiful soul leaving in what I consider to be too soon I will not understand. I get that somethings will hurt immensely while some will cause great joy but most of all I know that a lot of what my journey brings is out of my control so what I need to get me through is my faith.
Faith that no matter what happens I will eventually see the beauty in life again when the time feels right. That no matter what happens I will eventually feel alive again because of my faith. Faith that this unpredictable ride I am on will take me exactly where I need to go even when some of the stops require me to fall apart because it is in that falling apart that I am able to see what a gift every second of every minute of every hour of everyday is. I may not have global answers but I am definitely living my way into mine. My future is now, as the present is the only guarantee I have. How I choose to live is coming back to me now. I will not rush because fear wants me to. I will not stop because fear wants me to. I will continue to live as I've learned to, like nature adapting its patience and knowing that while nothing is hurried in its process of seasons changing yet everything is accomplished. I will accomplish what my destiny allows me to, I will live what I believe I can, and I will question my faith during dark times with the certainty that I am never alone and while God is always with me now I feel the presence of an angel in my everyday life. "You don't have to see something to know it's there." Neil Lisk
I must soldier on, get myself to Austin and continue living because that is what he would want. I believe he wouldn't want any of us to waste time paralyzed by fear and he wouldn't want his abrupt passing to be in vain. I hope we all get that life is indeed short. I dedicate my current production to him and will work in his honor. I will keep up the good fight trusting that God and the universe accompanied by one very special angel will work with me to make this film art that touches, changes, and impacts lives for the better to help soothe some of the uncertainty brought by the unknown of everyday life. I will follow my heart, march to the beat of the song only I can hear, question myself, question life, you, everything and eventually LIVE my way into the answer. If God has a name in my book it's FAITH.
I've learned that death scares some people so much they haven't been able to be my friend in the past few weeks while others have constantly checked in to make sure I am okay. Some, like Pamela, have gone as far as repeatedly asked me to join them on their outings to make sure I don't spend too much time alone and lost in the constant questioning going on these days. Eric sat with me at a cafe after the memorial to let me talk and try to make me smile. Mary Queen listens and listens and listens and has since the day I confirmed Neil's passing. Bev who knew Neil lets me cry and talk and then cry talk which I am certain she doesn't understand literally but tries too. My mom listens to me as I constantly ask her "You guys get that despite some of my words, my actions should show you I love you. My actions do show you I love you? Right? Right? I show you. Do I?" And then there's been the strangers who caught me in my building elevator and made the mistake of asking me how I was while being caught in one of my moments of deep sadness. Some have listened to me, some have asked me over for coffee, and some have called to check that I'm okay. Overall I've seen how much God shows it loves you when you live alone and feel so alone because life happened on life's terms.
In the process of living through Neil's passing I've come to understand that while I am not entirely ready to stop existing in human form I am not terrified of death. I am actually terrified of what it could do to my mom. :-( I can recall when my car spun across the ten freeway out of control as my tire popped and I hit the brakes and all I thought of was "God please help my mom understand this", believing it was not going to end well. I was twenty-two at the time. Thinking of that made me realize that I am majorly struggling to understand why someone would be taken back home at a young age and in the process come to understand that the possibilities are endless and that is why it is important to live as I believe Neil did, with PASSION. I have endless questions why now, why him, how come he didn't get to see Millie grow up, why, how, why, how,....you get the picture. Then comes the sadness followed by a moment of acceptance back to denial and anger followed by the certainty that it's a dream only to find it's not.
I was giving myself a really hard time this week for not having it together and it was then that it hit me. I won't and how can I really expect myself to as I am currently making my way through the questions. Some which may never have answers but what I have learned already is how important it is to live a life of service to others, a life where you actively pursue your dream and therefore a life that makes your dreams your reality. A life full of love, anger, sadness, happiness, bliss, gratitude and all the emotions that come with being alive in this unpredictable beautiful mess called life. Something I am grateful I am already doing.
Something or should I say someone has told me this is but a dream, my current reality and Neil's current reality, both dreams in different dimensions and I have to say it provided great comfort. Both of us living dreams in different ways. Is that the truth? Neither him nor I know. Actually he may have more info than me now. ;-) What I do know is that I want to live just as I had been before this. While this has rocked my world and made me question a lot it is because of my faith that I will make it through this and through my own transition whenever that arrives. I want unconditional LOVE that gives way to kids, I want to experience what my UNICEF commercial and my play accomplished again in different ways and I want to continue to live knowing that how I impact people's lives everyday is much more important than my job and that my belongings do not make me! That money does not define me! I want to give, I want to forgive, I want to be forgiven, I want to be angry, I want to be happy, frustrated and okay with all my emotions.
What helps me make it through these days while fear (false evidence appearing real) tries to get the best of me while my world is rocked, is my faith. I know I will not understand everything that happens in my life. I know somethings like a dear beautiful soul leaving in what I consider to be too soon I will not understand. I get that somethings will hurt immensely while some will cause great joy but most of all I know that a lot of what my journey brings is out of my control so what I need to get me through is my faith.
Faith that no matter what happens I will eventually see the beauty in life again when the time feels right. That no matter what happens I will eventually feel alive again because of my faith. Faith that this unpredictable ride I am on will take me exactly where I need to go even when some of the stops require me to fall apart because it is in that falling apart that I am able to see what a gift every second of every minute of every hour of everyday is. I may not have global answers but I am definitely living my way into mine. My future is now, as the present is the only guarantee I have. How I choose to live is coming back to me now. I will not rush because fear wants me to. I will not stop because fear wants me to. I will continue to live as I've learned to, like nature adapting its patience and knowing that while nothing is hurried in its process of seasons changing yet everything is accomplished. I will accomplish what my destiny allows me to, I will live what I believe I can, and I will question my faith during dark times with the certainty that I am never alone and while God is always with me now I feel the presence of an angel in my everyday life. "You don't have to see something to know it's there." Neil Lisk
I must soldier on, get myself to Austin and continue living because that is what he would want. I believe he wouldn't want any of us to waste time paralyzed by fear and he wouldn't want his abrupt passing to be in vain. I hope we all get that life is indeed short. I dedicate my current production to him and will work in his honor. I will keep up the good fight trusting that God and the universe accompanied by one very special angel will work with me to make this film art that touches, changes, and impacts lives for the better to help soothe some of the uncertainty brought by the unknown of everyday life. I will follow my heart, march to the beat of the song only I can hear, question myself, question life, you, everything and eventually LIVE my way into the answer. If God has a name in my book it's FAITH.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
From the darkness into the light.
This past week has truly been quite surreal. I keep thinking I am going to wake up and the bad dream will be over. Millie will have her dad back and Liz will have her bestfriend back. My reality is not that and so every night I have struggled to sleep and have fallen into a dark place. The great thing for me is that wherever I go God is with me so from the darkness I will eventually make my way back into the light. I am not afraid of getting sad and angry because I know it is all part of coming to terms with not being able to see someone again in human form. However if there is one thing life has taught me it's that when someone passes and goes home we may not be able to see them again but they're still here. I'm of the belief that while we may not understand eachother's beliefs we should respect them. I know a lot of people have reasons to not believe in organized religion and to be honest organized anything including spirituality can be too much. By organized I mean anyplace that makes you feel like you have to have certain beliefs as opposed to a place that just lets you express what you believe based on how you view your journey. I feel like if something isn't organic to you than you shouldn't have that be your belief. If your belief is that there is nothing guiding us or no God I respect that too.
I believe what I do because it comes naturally to me. It is who I am and while I am certain that God is with all of us during this difficult time I also feel that is it very unfair and just doesn't seem right. I'm not angry at anyone or anything because I know that one of the biggest mysteries of life is our existence and mortality. No one has the answer to it and that's what makes life magical yet sometimes difficult. We take for granted what a gift existence is until someone has their life come to an abrupt end as Neil's did. All of a sudden our perspective is shifted and we get that every moment of everyday is a precious gift never guaranteed. Sadly sometimes that knowing disappears. I've been living with this understanding since I saw five friends/relatives go home within the span of two years a while back. I'm not perfect at anything so sometimes I too forget how precious each day is but for the most part I get that I am living in a magical kingdom called Mother Nature/Planet Earth which abides by rules sometimes hard to comprehend. In this case very hard but in time I'll come to terms with this. I may never fully grasp it or understand why such a beautiful soul lived such a short life but in time I know what I will focus more on is having gratitude for having known such a man. For now all I can do is continue my friendship with Neil the only way I know how.
I've been talking to him a lot these days and while his humor would lead me to believe that he'd be saying "A, give me a rest" I've actually heard repeatedly, especially when I get my bouts of crying, "Hey A, I'm okay". I choose to believe he is and he is watching over all of us who are tremendously saddened and shocked by his abrupt passing. Last night for the first time in the past week I began to realize it was not a dream and while I am no longer able to call him, text him or see him I am certain he had a hand in what Los Angeles witnessed last night.
In my last blog I mentioned in the end that I knew wherever he was I was certain he was making the scenery look stunning and that I trusted that God needed his help so he could only call on the best. Yesterday was a week exactly since he passed and I think that is why it no longer felt like a dream although the reality still felt very surreal. So it is without a doubt for me, and no one is asked to share my belief, that what I witnessed on September 29, 2010 over the Los Angeles skies was definitely Neil's work of art. He was indeed making the scenery look stunning wherever he was and because of what I saw my belief that we all remain here in spirit was confirmed last night when I looked up at the sky.
I love to photograph nature and I feel very at peace when I am with nature. So as I got ready to take my evening walk I witnessed one the most amazing unique works of art over the Los Angeles skies I have ever seen and it was then that I knew. He was letting us all know he was still doing his thing and very present. I am grateful for what my eyes saw last night! It was a very metaphorical walk that led me from the light into the darkness back into the light topped off with a rainbow. The best way to describe it is magical! That is all I can say and I hope you too are able to see the beauty in the unknown and the magic in everyday life. Thank you Neil for continuing to share your talent with us. It was truly breathtaking as your work always is.
This is how my evening began and the transitions you are about see all happened in the course of a half hour or so.
Spirit in the sky.
Look close. I hope you can see it. ;-)
"All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen." R.W. Emerson I don't have to see you to know you are still here.
I believe what I do because it comes naturally to me. It is who I am and while I am certain that God is with all of us during this difficult time I also feel that is it very unfair and just doesn't seem right. I'm not angry at anyone or anything because I know that one of the biggest mysteries of life is our existence and mortality. No one has the answer to it and that's what makes life magical yet sometimes difficult. We take for granted what a gift existence is until someone has their life come to an abrupt end as Neil's did. All of a sudden our perspective is shifted and we get that every moment of everyday is a precious gift never guaranteed. Sadly sometimes that knowing disappears. I've been living with this understanding since I saw five friends/relatives go home within the span of two years a while back. I'm not perfect at anything so sometimes I too forget how precious each day is but for the most part I get that I am living in a magical kingdom called Mother Nature/Planet Earth which abides by rules sometimes hard to comprehend. In this case very hard but in time I'll come to terms with this. I may never fully grasp it or understand why such a beautiful soul lived such a short life but in time I know what I will focus more on is having gratitude for having known such a man. For now all I can do is continue my friendship with Neil the only way I know how.
I've been talking to him a lot these days and while his humor would lead me to believe that he'd be saying "A, give me a rest" I've actually heard repeatedly, especially when I get my bouts of crying, "Hey A, I'm okay". I choose to believe he is and he is watching over all of us who are tremendously saddened and shocked by his abrupt passing. Last night for the first time in the past week I began to realize it was not a dream and while I am no longer able to call him, text him or see him I am certain he had a hand in what Los Angeles witnessed last night.
In my last blog I mentioned in the end that I knew wherever he was I was certain he was making the scenery look stunning and that I trusted that God needed his help so he could only call on the best. Yesterday was a week exactly since he passed and I think that is why it no longer felt like a dream although the reality still felt very surreal. So it is without a doubt for me, and no one is asked to share my belief, that what I witnessed on September 29, 2010 over the Los Angeles skies was definitely Neil's work of art. He was indeed making the scenery look stunning wherever he was and because of what I saw my belief that we all remain here in spirit was confirmed last night when I looked up at the sky.
I love to photograph nature and I feel very at peace when I am with nature. So as I got ready to take my evening walk I witnessed one the most amazing unique works of art over the Los Angeles skies I have ever seen and it was then that I knew. He was letting us all know he was still doing his thing and very present. I am grateful for what my eyes saw last night! It was a very metaphorical walk that led me from the light into the darkness back into the light topped off with a rainbow. The best way to describe it is magical! That is all I can say and I hope you too are able to see the beauty in the unknown and the magic in everyday life. Thank you Neil for continuing to share your talent with us. It was truly breathtaking as your work always is.
This is how my evening began and the transitions you are about see all happened in the course of a half hour or so.
Spirit in the sky.
Look close. I hope you can see it. ;-)
"All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen." R.W. Emerson I don't have to see you to know you are still here.
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