Lessons from a twelve year old.

It's funny the way life works sometimes and the lessons it brings you. We grow up having our parents say someday you'll have your own children and you'll understand. Meanwhile we roll our eyes and go about our teenage lives. Then one day I wake up, I'm 32 and understanding exactly what my mom said. The reason for my understanding stems from a young lady named Zoe whom I just dropped off at home. She is twelve and as she lives out her pre-teen years I get to relive mine acknowledging that a gratitude conversation will be had with my mom face to face soon for all she did for seven kids as a single mom. I feel the need to thank her for the sacrifices she made that as a child I could not comprehend. Yes mom now I understand. For once I agree with you so I hope that puts a smile on your face. ;-)

I have put in quite a bit of effort into exposing Zoe to things she hasn't been exposed to. Due to the fact that we live in LA she is saturated with images of Melrose Place billboards, retouched women, Lady Gaga's creative yet not appropriate for her age videos and well the list is endless. So I decided to expose her to my friend Eric's Grati tube and Papa Mraz
's music in hopes of opening her eyes to a place where there is light. Speaking of Papa Mraz should you have found your way here because of him please note that the blog he called an amazing yet not surprising story is the one titled Me and Paulo Coelho....how the universe conspired to cross our paths.
Don't want you wondering how the lessons of twelve year old could be so amazing to him. ;-)

Anyway now that I exposed her to this I have created a monster. It's all she wants to listen to ever! I am a softie so I let her control the ipod in the car. However this weekend I had to finally put my foot down and ask for a mix of songs. Luckily she agreed. ;-) It's in moments like this that I realize how truly lucky I am. By luck I mean the kind you create with your actions not the one people claim only certain people have. So yes I believe throughout my journey my actions led me to her. I also believe God and the universe conspired to cross our paths at the precise moment we both needed it most. You'll see what I mean.

You may be wondering who she is exactly? Well she is my little sister from Big Brother Big Sister although everywhere we go people think she is my daughter. Last night at the Borders Where the Wild Things Are Rumpus party a man commented how different my daughter's hair color was. I looked at her smiled and then explained to him why. He was actually shocked she was not my daughter. Quite frankly I wish she was.

As we left Borders I held her tiny hand in mine as we walked across the parking lot and I began to let my mind wander into thoughts of when she'll be too cool too hold my hand and will want nothing to do with me the way all seven of us did it to my mom. I got teary eyed at the thought. You see I will tell you briefly and to respect her privacy that I feel like her mom because she lost hers four years ago in a car accident and is being raised by her step dad. When we were paired up last year I had been waiting for a little sister for a long time. She meanwhile was having a hard time in life so it was suggested by her counselor she check out Big Brother Big Sister. The following week she had me and I had what I had been longing for for a long time, a sense of family.

It's no secret to anyone that knows me that more than anything in the world I want to fall madly in love with a man whose being I respect and feel honored to call my bestfriend but who most of all sparks a desire in me to create life. My dating life hasn't led me down that road.....yet but I do feel the winds of change taking me there now. ;-) There comes a point in life where you hopefully realize life is not just about you and for me it has never been but having been a fatherless child has obviously made me very cautious of who I look at creating life with and being responsible for it. Things didn't work out so well with my love life as Patrick dumped me and shortly after not only did I give birth to The Experimental Witch BUT in came Zoe. It was truly MAGICAL as you can see below. At the end of the video I say I love the faces she makes because she looks like she wants to fire her back up dancer, me, for having too much fun. :-)


Fun aside these days I am faced with a major responsibility. One I am very grateful to God for having trusted me with! She is entering her teens soon and everything you can possibly imagine is starting to happen. From the obvious things our bodies go through at that age to the things I didn't see myself having to talk to someone about before discussing it with my husband and deciding together how to guide a life. But for now life wanted otherwise and so this morning over breakfast I found myself having the drug conversation as she mentioned how disappointed and shocked she was someone at school was doing them. At first I thought really?! At twelve I have to talk to her about this and then I realized all I could do was tell her my story and be honest. So I did.

I told her I had never done drugs in my life, not even tried them, because I simply had never had a desire to. I told her I was aware back then that most people where doing them but that I had always thought it important that I do what felt right to me no matter what anybody labeled me. As I allowed my friends to do what felt right to them. Then I asked her what she thought and as she began to be harsh with her classmate I asked her to keep the focus on herself while reminding her that what's most important in life is how we treat our bodies and that other people's business was just that their business. We can't keep people from their journey and lessons and we must trust God's got it or we can loose ourselves in trying to be saviors. There is after all for me a fine line between a friend and a savior. I don't want to ever trick myself into believing I could save something I did not help create and something that has no desire to be saved. Been there done that....lesson learned.

And now I am left with the worries of a mother. I do indeed comprehend so much now and I am so grateful. It's a run through prior to my own children and I consider that a HUGE blessing! I have no idea what awaits me in the years ahead, how long she'll be in my life or when I'll stop being cool to her. But I don't care because these moments I am living now are way too precious to spend time worrying about what will be. She makes me want to be a mom even more, gives me hope in ways I can not describe and opened my eyes to her world. A world where life on life's terms dealt her a card early on that left her in a dark place. A place where it's not safe to look at things from a happy beautiful place because life will eventually take that from you. Tears fill my eyes as I write this because what she has taught me the most is that I can not change her journey, it's lessons, and how she feels about what has happened. All I can do is be me and expose her to my world where the view comes from a different place even though I too have been dealt cards I would rather not have, like my dad leaving when I was seven.

Hopefully she trusts that I will never intentionally hurt her, always love her, and hold her hand as long as she, God and the universe allow me to. Zoe it is my honor to be your sister and I have no doubt in my mind that if your mom was here right now she would be so proud of you! Although I know wherever she is she knows what a wonderful young lady full of character she created! Thanks for filling a void in my heart with your unconditional love!

Here's to you Ms. Zoey Otterbach, soon to be girlfriend of Charlie, if you find the courage within you to ask him to the Halloween dance, which I am hoping you do cause life's too short to have regrets! Thanks for all these moments below and all the lessons you've taught me and will continue to teach me. You are one of the BEST teachers I have ever had! I have no doubt you're definitely a MAGICAL gift from God and the Universe!
Running from the dinosaurs at the Natural History Museum.



The day we met at the Big Brother Big Sisters headquarters.

Last year with Santa. They said say cheese so I did!

Hanging out with me and my friend Paul as we shot his LRO video. Her patience during our LONG shoot paid off as she got to swim in his pool when we wrapped. ;-)