As 2011 comes to a close it has become so clear to me what "Off to see the world" means to me. Often I get signs and I am clear in that moment of what they are pointing to and sometimes it takes a little while for them to become clear. I am passionate about one thing, uniting humanity. Something obviously I am sure selling cars through an ad would not have accomplished. Its in times like that I realize God really has my back, knows me better than anyone and well decided that because it loves me so much it had to send me on my way.
The way being one that once again lines up with my principles and beliefs. What is being born of this current transition is really more than I dreamt once again. A week ago I told a handful of friends to keep me in their prayers and gave them an idea of what I was going to be doing for the next month. I tend to only tell people I trust will not talk me out of it or think me crazy. At least not to my face. ;-) All I really need right now is unconditional love and prayers, light, or whatever they believe will fill me with the strength, faith and courage to begin yet again another journey through uncharted territory.
As I've been in Texas and a little prior to leaving Los Angeles I began to see one thing was happening. I was crossing paths with "strangers" who had stories to share with me not much unlike mine. At first I thought it God's way of telling me I was not alone but sure enough in due time it became clear what I was to do and the what next everyone questions began to unfold before my eyes. It is something only completely clear to me and something that is going to require a lot of faith but I am certain that once again I am on MY way. Not the way I solely want but the way were God and I can co create yet again the life of my dreams, a life with purpose where my art and my passion for humanity blend together once more. Should I cross paths with you "I would like to reach out my hand. I would like to hold my little hand" in yours. Thank you God for giving me the awareness to commence 2012 in an Entirely New Direction and allow this new era to send me on my way. I am IMMENSELY GRATEFUL for the magic that is unfolding before my eyes.
Time to DANCE and only you know what that fully means. I like it that way. <3
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I thought I knew....
I thought I knew what was important in life and that I abided by those beliefs. While I did, this year has taught me even more what truly matters. When Neil passed I remember sitting in my office and wanting to throw everything at the walls, thinking none of this matters. It was my anger wanting to express itself. That was just the beginning of this roller coaster past year and one of the toughest of my life yet also something that had to happen to allow me to arrive at my current destination, wide open spaces, the home of ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES. "Now she won't be coming back with the rest. If these are life's lessons she'll take this test."
What helped tremendously was music! Of one thing I am certain, I was born to dance. I hear music and that is the first thing my body guided by my soul is inclined to do. Music has tremendous healing power. It made 2011's constant detours danceable and as January started with the passing of my father it taught me that I can in due time GROW "A little bit stronger. Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger." Something February brought with it and it gave me the courage to return to therapy.
As March approached the sun began to make its way back into my life and as April brought its showers with it I was rescued in through the words of a friend and heard Neil and my dad once again.
And as the year proceeded to present me with amazing character building lessons I was reminded to breathe by more friends and their gifts which they shared with me, my film and the world.
It was in breathing that I gathered the strength to fly once more. Yet it was in the flying that I realized I wasn't quite ready to soar as I intended to. Perhaps to what needed attention was the direction of my flight. I learned the detour was to allow me to go in the direction of my dreams yet again. The ones that scare me because they are so GRAND yet the ones all these detours were obviously informing me it was time to LIVE!
While I took to resting once again I eventually rose from what I was returned to, my foundation. In words others tried to make me them with their projections and in and through LOVE I made the decision to rise even if I had to "against" the wind. I don't ever truly believe anything is against us. <3
And when I was brought down to my knees once again..."But there's just something so STRONG (God) somewhere inside me. I am down but I will get up again! I AM NOT TAKING MY BOW. YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME."
Time brought with it the light, which shined brighter than the sun. It was the balsam of 2011, which always slowly yet powerfully shed light in the current darkness. "Who am I to tell FATE where its supposed to go?"
Eventually with patience, time and loving care I allowed my path to lead me to a place where the streets where unknown to me. My current destination where my heart breathes once more and a new era commences.
And as I arrived there I realized I was beginning to feel alive again after these constant detours because God was with me every step of the way! My constant companion whom I could never give up because I know He/She, lover of its creations, would NOT give up on me. It actually relied on me to get it, where the detours were guiding, so I could live the LIFE OF MY DREAMS and so the new chapter begins. I need not know what you are exactly! All I need to know is that I see you, feel you, hear you and I am you. Knowing that you are ALWAYS with me in one way or another, through a song, a "chance" encounter, a timely word, is all I need to rely on you. I see you in my heart everyday. You truly are magical! Unseen to the eye but seen to the OPEN heart.
It was that faith that allowed me to accept that I continue to grow only if I allow myself to falter and accept what is because it is in that acceptance some label defeat that I was able to allow God to raise me up to more than I can be! To what God not only has prepared me for but knows I deserve. The time has come to claim that new era. I hear you! Three times in a row, three different artists on Pandora reminding me you raise me up!
So with all these songs as my companions I leave 2011 and enter a new life where all I have dreamed of and more awaits. I walk away with immense gratitude for this partial list of healers and for their ability through their gift to allow me to give birth to mine. To allow me to let go of what I thought I knew and grow towards what I was created to gift the world with. To follow the detoured path to my DESTINY! Most of all I walk away with the greatest gift of all, finding "LOVE in a "hopeless" place"! May LOVE be your constant companion shedding light while you steer your way through the tunnels into the BRIGHTEST light of all, your DREAM becoming your REALITY! Let's dance in the rain!
Till we cross paths again your in God's hands. I love you. <3
What helped tremendously was music! Of one thing I am certain, I was born to dance. I hear music and that is the first thing my body guided by my soul is inclined to do. Music has tremendous healing power. It made 2011's constant detours danceable and as January started with the passing of my father it taught me that I can in due time GROW "A little bit stronger. Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger." Something February brought with it and it gave me the courage to return to therapy.
As March approached the sun began to make its way back into my life and as April brought its showers with it I was rescued in through the words of a friend and heard Neil and my dad once again.
And as the year proceeded to present me with amazing character building lessons I was reminded to breathe by more friends and their gifts which they shared with me, my film and the world.
It was in breathing that I gathered the strength to fly once more. Yet it was in the flying that I realized I wasn't quite ready to soar as I intended to. Perhaps to what needed attention was the direction of my flight. I learned the detour was to allow me to go in the direction of my dreams yet again. The ones that scare me because they are so GRAND yet the ones all these detours were obviously informing me it was time to LIVE!
While I took to resting once again I eventually rose from what I was returned to, my foundation. In words others tried to make me them with their projections and in and through LOVE I made the decision to rise even if I had to "against" the wind. I don't ever truly believe anything is against us. <3
And when I was brought down to my knees once again..."But there's just something so STRONG (God) somewhere inside me. I am down but I will get up again! I AM NOT TAKING MY BOW. YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME."
Time brought with it the light, which shined brighter than the sun. It was the balsam of 2011, which always slowly yet powerfully shed light in the current darkness. "Who am I to tell FATE where its supposed to go?"
Eventually with patience, time and loving care I allowed my path to lead me to a place where the streets where unknown to me. My current destination where my heart breathes once more and a new era commences.
And as I arrived there I realized I was beginning to feel alive again after these constant detours because God was with me every step of the way! My constant companion whom I could never give up because I know He/She, lover of its creations, would NOT give up on me. It actually relied on me to get it, where the detours were guiding, so I could live the LIFE OF MY DREAMS and so the new chapter begins. I need not know what you are exactly! All I need to know is that I see you, feel you, hear you and I am you. Knowing that you are ALWAYS with me in one way or another, through a song, a "chance" encounter, a timely word, is all I need to rely on you. I see you in my heart everyday. You truly are magical! Unseen to the eye but seen to the OPEN heart.
It was that faith that allowed me to accept that I continue to grow only if I allow myself to falter and accept what is because it is in that acceptance some label defeat that I was able to allow God to raise me up to more than I can be! To what God not only has prepared me for but knows I deserve. The time has come to claim that new era. I hear you! Three times in a row, three different artists on Pandora reminding me you raise me up!
So with all these songs as my companions I leave 2011 and enter a new life where all I have dreamed of and more awaits. I walk away with immense gratitude for this partial list of healers and for their ability through their gift to allow me to give birth to mine. To allow me to let go of what I thought I knew and grow towards what I was created to gift the world with. To follow the detoured path to my DESTINY! Most of all I walk away with the greatest gift of all, finding "LOVE in a "hopeless" place"! May LOVE be your constant companion shedding light while you steer your way through the tunnels into the BRIGHTEST light of all, your DREAM becoming your REALITY! Let's dance in the rain!
Till we cross paths again your in God's hands. I love you. <3
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
The journey back to my wings!
It's been quite the past few weeks and it's finally over. Tomorrow as I head to my last audition before heading to Texas for Christmas I close the door on this era figuratively and literally. I will leave my keys on the counter say one final prayer of gratitude for all this beautiful home gifted me for the past eleven years, open the door and step into the unknown. A friend reminded me recently in her words that there is a lot of world to see outside my door so as usual I am going to wait for the sign and allow God and the universe to guide into the what next. Standing in the hallway means the next few weeks may get a little dark but I am no stranger to the darkness and I am also no stranger to the flashlights that appear on time to shed light through the unknown through their words and actions.
I can definitely say that last night as I heard the following song my heart filled with hope.
The lyrics ignited such a fire of hope within me reminding me of all I have yet to live and am about to live. Of all the signs have been pointing to. I know I say it often but its truly magical. I had to "loose" it ALL to gain this and I would do it all over again just as I had to in order to get to where I am going. A place where the streets are new to me, where the sun will rise, and my heart will breathe again. I will smile and laugh like I always have and more. I am ready, I claimed it, I created it and I will embrace it all. The time has come. I have made my journey back to my wings. I leave the weight of the past where it belongs and go forth and prosper. I will live my dreams and then some. I leave room for God to exceed my expectations and I am open to what life has for me. I AM HOPE!
I am so grateful for the ability to learn what truly matters on this journey back to my wings. I am grateful for every thing this past brought and took. I am grateful for my tears, my cries, my laughs, my disapppoinments, my hopes, my dreams, my detours, my love for myself, my love for life and you and my ability to never stop believing that the reason behind every journey and its lessons does eventually reveal itself. I feel the sunlight on my face again. I will embrace it, I will no longer fear that it will disappear too soon. I will simply enjoy it while its present. I will stay present. I am ready. I am ready!!!
Off to see the world I go as there is quite a lot of world to see. I travel lighter now as LOVE is all I need. I travel through and into the unknown to face myself, God, the universe and its magic. I fly. I fly because I believe I can and because you have faith in me. I will soar once more. I will let Neil, my dad and other angels be the air that lifts me beyond my expectations. I will be the woman I came to be. I will dream aloud everyday more and more. I will share with you like I always have this journey back to my wings. It's time. Once again I can fly so off I go........
God this one if for you! Thank you for doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. Thank you for giving me the strength and faith to take the leap of faith. Thank you for the light and its timing. I AM BLESSED! I AM GRATEFUL! I AM READY! MY WINGS ARE BACK! "I get wings to fly, I'm alive!" Show me your world! I am ready for you here on Earth through the light. I deserve it. I am worthy. ;-) THANK YOU FOR CALLING ON ME AND TRUSTING ME SO MUCH!
I can definitely say that last night as I heard the following song my heart filled with hope.
The lyrics ignited such a fire of hope within me reminding me of all I have yet to live and am about to live. Of all the signs have been pointing to. I know I say it often but its truly magical. I had to "loose" it ALL to gain this and I would do it all over again just as I had to in order to get to where I am going. A place where the streets are new to me, where the sun will rise, and my heart will breathe again. I will smile and laugh like I always have and more. I am ready, I claimed it, I created it and I will embrace it all. The time has come. I have made my journey back to my wings. I leave the weight of the past where it belongs and go forth and prosper. I will live my dreams and then some. I leave room for God to exceed my expectations and I am open to what life has for me. I AM HOPE!
I am so grateful for the ability to learn what truly matters on this journey back to my wings. I am grateful for every thing this past brought and took. I am grateful for my tears, my cries, my laughs, my disapppoinments, my hopes, my dreams, my detours, my love for myself, my love for life and you and my ability to never stop believing that the reason behind every journey and its lessons does eventually reveal itself. I feel the sunlight on my face again. I will embrace it, I will no longer fear that it will disappear too soon. I will simply enjoy it while its present. I will stay present. I am ready. I am ready!!!
Off to see the world I go as there is quite a lot of world to see. I travel lighter now as LOVE is all I need. I travel through and into the unknown to face myself, God, the universe and its magic. I fly. I fly because I believe I can and because you have faith in me. I will soar once more. I will let Neil, my dad and other angels be the air that lifts me beyond my expectations. I will be the woman I came to be. I will dream aloud everyday more and more. I will share with you like I always have this journey back to my wings. It's time. Once again I can fly so off I go........
God this one if for you! Thank you for doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. Thank you for giving me the strength and faith to take the leap of faith. Thank you for the light and its timing. I AM BLESSED! I AM GRATEFUL! I AM READY! MY WINGS ARE BACK! "I get wings to fly, I'm alive!" Show me your world! I am ready for you here on Earth through the light. I deserve it. I am worthy. ;-) THANK YOU FOR CALLING ON ME AND TRUSTING ME SO MUCH!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
The treasures of my past. The gifts born of the present.
There is such sweet taste in a perfectly timed song, email or any sort of blessing that I call a God shot, which comes to reaffirm what you believe in your darkest hour. It was Joseph Campbell that said "The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed." My mentor of my first production shared those words and I brought them to life as what had been a really dark time brought a beautiful dawn. I wish I could say that I never look to the past but I believe it is human to do so. What I work hard at doing is not staying there overnight. A quick visit brings with it what is necessary and than I depart with gratitude as I did today after recalling the words of Paul Cotter as he quoted Mr. Campbell. I speak names as I am at peace with the past. Nice to know the love I feel now is so different. Hope you are at peace with our past too. I truly do.
The past has been very present for almost the last thirty days because I have been packing it up. As I type this I am staring at it and multi tasking. You would too if the double feature tonight in your house was Pride and Prejudice followed by The Notebook. Thank you Oxygen. I may still have to pack and you tube while I type in between commercial breaks but I can do it all. Actually that has been something that I have been working hard as well to understand I don't have to be, my own hero twenty-four seven. This "abrupt" change i.e. move has provided me the opportunity to be well less stubborn. Trust me I know I am. Sometimes it's good and sometimes not so good. I told Jake to forget it that I would dismantle my bed on my own today. Luckily he didn't listen to me and came over anyway. As he worked I looked at him and realized I will miss going over to ask him for a favor, or how he is, or who he's dating. Maybe chat about Gaby our friend and his client and her latest success. I will miss going next door. He is one of the coolest guys I know. A treasure of my past/present, ten years and counting, for sure. He's like a brother and in eachother we found the family that distance has not allowed us to be near. Ladies this is him working hard today. He's lovely and single. Just saying. After this he may kick me but hey I would love to see him happily in love.
As he worked he posed a question that triggered so much for me. He asked "If you have to move why not move back home?" Home. As I answered him in complete honesty I finished by saying, "I am home." I know that change scares people and change that you did not take the initiative on scares them more. Me, well this is the kind of change I have come to understand is done to help you move towards and into what you deserve but were too scared to take the leap of faith. I guess I didn't realize I was until thirty days go. Those almost thirty days have brought such great teachers with lessons that reminded me why sometimes I want to head towards wide open spaces and have room for big mistakes but at least know I tried to live for me and my heart while being aware that my actions have a chain reaction. That has been a treasure of my past that reappeared to show me how far I've come and have yet to go.
I can honestly say some encounters teach me how not be mean or rude and respond with what I was given. They are teachers of patience whose lessons come in the choice of words spoken by others. I do know nothing is personal but when those who I am bound to by blood express themselves as if I am to hold value based on things I don't believe in than I can definitely say it's PATIENCE I am to learn....yet again...still..after all these years. ;-) Instead of a tatoo I opted to change it whenever it feels right to do so to accompany my current lesson.
Right now would be a good time to express gratitude to my old self for allowing me to defend myself without anger or hatred simply my view. A view so unlike those whose words seemed insensitive and one I always try hard not to impose on anyone while expressing it.
I've packed up pictures, all sorts of belongings which allowed me to rediscover some treasures all while I laughed and cried. Mostly laughed at this, which is so surreal in a way. I used to kiss his pin goodnight when I was like 32. Just kidding, 12.
After I packed that up I packed this up and was reminded of all the fun Paul Jones gifted me with in our short time together. I love creative made gifts. You can't buy me. ;-) He stole my heart with this. The sixth New Kid who now finds himself in a box with his band mates.
The treasures of packing are endless. Pictures of me and my former bestfriend. We were bestfriends for fourteen years up until a year ago when our paths diverged and we chose different routes but memories of all we have lived came rushing back as I stared at pictures. She was twenty-seven when we met and I was nineteen. She has two beautiful children now and lives in a world so different than the one I chose. I am so grateful for all we lived and will forever hold her and our fun, goofy times together in my heart. I have no doubt she does too. She, Paul (Rodriguez- I know too many Paul's!) and many others are now boxed up and it gives me such joy to look up and see how well I was able to embrace the treasures of my past and let a lot of them go. Danielle and Cienna helped me pack. Okay more like Cienna cried, she's seven months, and Danielle and I packed and Danielle was so surprised at how easy it was for me to let go of things that reminded me people, places and things that I am well aware will prevent me from moving forward into what I deserve. Even cds with pictures were thrown out. Into the recycle bin of course. ;-)
There are so many gifts being born of this present I don't want to block their arrival with the weight of my past, figuratively and literally, being carried by me. I realize that for those who love me this transition is scary. Some aren't close enough to see its magic unfold and quite frankly maybe only I can see the magic in this darkness. After all I am the one walking this tunnel. No one else. I trust it. All of it. Some days its hard simply because I am tired but I still trust. I believe whole heartily that when you do then you are ensuring yourself that MAGIC will show up. That miracles will appear on time which is why this gift of my present from Jessica was a timely God sent text reaffirming my faith in miracles.
Then of course there are the gifts of all the friends who have volunteered to show up and help. Bev, Pamela, Danielle, Cienna, Jake, Ruben, James and Areli have done so much in such a brief period that I can without a doubt say God has my back and sent in its angels. Then there is the friend whose timely words never fail to put a smile on my face when I feel like just for that moment I may not have it in me. Whose light shines my light so that I can keep going and keep doing what I am doing while I find my way yet again through this....
One who sees me as I see me and reminds me that it is more than okay for me to believe in the miracle I am living my way into, which even if I can not see it yet I trust is unfolding before my eyes right on time, just in time, God's time. The day their words gave me strength to move forward I got in the car with Zoey and headed to our annual girl's night Christmas Celebration at the Grove and the following song came on the radio. It reminded me of how far I come and how "I never said I was a victim of circumstance" but I do claim to continue to be a dreamer and follow them despite them not being what others had hoped for me. That I do take credit for because well it's my life and in my view of that life the manifestation of my dreams exceeds them. <3
Perhaps what scares some the most is that while I am not certain where I will land after this leap of faith prompted by God and the universe and accepted by yours truly I trust the net will appear and I will land where I have to in order to continue to live in the moment, live my dreams and manifest my destiny. Wherever I need to be for this new era that is being born I will be. To the treasures of my past, which packing lightly has allowed me revisit I am grateful for the past thirty-five years. You were ALL so good to me and I wouldn't change a thing! No regrets. To the gifts of the present thank you for choosing to keep living in the moment with me. To be so good to me and to allow me to show up as I am. A flying acrobat coming in for a landing sometime soon hoping for a perfect one but knowing if it isn't you'll catch me if I fall. What a Christmas gift you all are. May your past allow you to see what a gift today, this Christmas and every breath of every moment is. Happy Holidays! LIVE for this moment! Thank you for reminding me that with peace in my mind and soul I AM ALREADY HOME! <3
The past has been very present for almost the last thirty days because I have been packing it up. As I type this I am staring at it and multi tasking. You would too if the double feature tonight in your house was Pride and Prejudice followed by The Notebook. Thank you Oxygen. I may still have to pack and you tube while I type in between commercial breaks but I can do it all. Actually that has been something that I have been working hard as well to understand I don't have to be, my own hero twenty-four seven. This "abrupt" change i.e. move has provided me the opportunity to be well less stubborn. Trust me I know I am. Sometimes it's good and sometimes not so good. I told Jake to forget it that I would dismantle my bed on my own today. Luckily he didn't listen to me and came over anyway. As he worked I looked at him and realized I will miss going over to ask him for a favor, or how he is, or who he's dating. Maybe chat about Gaby our friend and his client and her latest success. I will miss going next door. He is one of the coolest guys I know. A treasure of my past/present, ten years and counting, for sure. He's like a brother and in eachother we found the family that distance has not allowed us to be near. Ladies this is him working hard today. He's lovely and single. Just saying. After this he may kick me but hey I would love to see him happily in love.
As he worked he posed a question that triggered so much for me. He asked "If you have to move why not move back home?" Home. As I answered him in complete honesty I finished by saying, "I am home." I know that change scares people and change that you did not take the initiative on scares them more. Me, well this is the kind of change I have come to understand is done to help you move towards and into what you deserve but were too scared to take the leap of faith. I guess I didn't realize I was until thirty days go. Those almost thirty days have brought such great teachers with lessons that reminded me why sometimes I want to head towards wide open spaces and have room for big mistakes but at least know I tried to live for me and my heart while being aware that my actions have a chain reaction. That has been a treasure of my past that reappeared to show me how far I've come and have yet to go.
I can honestly say some encounters teach me how not be mean or rude and respond with what I was given. They are teachers of patience whose lessons come in the choice of words spoken by others. I do know nothing is personal but when those who I am bound to by blood express themselves as if I am to hold value based on things I don't believe in than I can definitely say it's PATIENCE I am to learn....yet again...still..after all these years. ;-) Instead of a tatoo I opted to change it whenever it feels right to do so to accompany my current lesson.
Right now would be a good time to express gratitude to my old self for allowing me to defend myself without anger or hatred simply my view. A view so unlike those whose words seemed insensitive and one I always try hard not to impose on anyone while expressing it.
I've packed up pictures, all sorts of belongings which allowed me to rediscover some treasures all while I laughed and cried. Mostly laughed at this, which is so surreal in a way. I used to kiss his pin goodnight when I was like 32. Just kidding, 12.
After I packed that up I packed this up and was reminded of all the fun Paul Jones gifted me with in our short time together. I love creative made gifts. You can't buy me. ;-) He stole my heart with this. The sixth New Kid who now finds himself in a box with his band mates.
The treasures of packing are endless. Pictures of me and my former bestfriend. We were bestfriends for fourteen years up until a year ago when our paths diverged and we chose different routes but memories of all we have lived came rushing back as I stared at pictures. She was twenty-seven when we met and I was nineteen. She has two beautiful children now and lives in a world so different than the one I chose. I am so grateful for all we lived and will forever hold her and our fun, goofy times together in my heart. I have no doubt she does too. She, Paul (Rodriguez- I know too many Paul's!) and many others are now boxed up and it gives me such joy to look up and see how well I was able to embrace the treasures of my past and let a lot of them go. Danielle and Cienna helped me pack. Okay more like Cienna cried, she's seven months, and Danielle and I packed and Danielle was so surprised at how easy it was for me to let go of things that reminded me people, places and things that I am well aware will prevent me from moving forward into what I deserve. Even cds with pictures were thrown out. Into the recycle bin of course. ;-)
There are so many gifts being born of this present I don't want to block their arrival with the weight of my past, figuratively and literally, being carried by me. I realize that for those who love me this transition is scary. Some aren't close enough to see its magic unfold and quite frankly maybe only I can see the magic in this darkness. After all I am the one walking this tunnel. No one else. I trust it. All of it. Some days its hard simply because I am tired but I still trust. I believe whole heartily that when you do then you are ensuring yourself that MAGIC will show up. That miracles will appear on time which is why this gift of my present from Jessica was a timely God sent text reaffirming my faith in miracles.
Then of course there are the gifts of all the friends who have volunteered to show up and help. Bev, Pamela, Danielle, Cienna, Jake, Ruben, James and Areli have done so much in such a brief period that I can without a doubt say God has my back and sent in its angels. Then there is the friend whose timely words never fail to put a smile on my face when I feel like just for that moment I may not have it in me. Whose light shines my light so that I can keep going and keep doing what I am doing while I find my way yet again through this....
One who sees me as I see me and reminds me that it is more than okay for me to believe in the miracle I am living my way into, which even if I can not see it yet I trust is unfolding before my eyes right on time, just in time, God's time. The day their words gave me strength to move forward I got in the car with Zoey and headed to our annual girl's night Christmas Celebration at the Grove and the following song came on the radio. It reminded me of how far I come and how "I never said I was a victim of circumstance" but I do claim to continue to be a dreamer and follow them despite them not being what others had hoped for me. That I do take credit for because well it's my life and in my view of that life the manifestation of my dreams exceeds them. <3
Perhaps what scares some the most is that while I am not certain where I will land after this leap of faith prompted by God and the universe and accepted by yours truly I trust the net will appear and I will land where I have to in order to continue to live in the moment, live my dreams and manifest my destiny. Wherever I need to be for this new era that is being born I will be. To the treasures of my past, which packing lightly has allowed me revisit I am grateful for the past thirty-five years. You were ALL so good to me and I wouldn't change a thing! No regrets. To the gifts of the present thank you for choosing to keep living in the moment with me. To be so good to me and to allow me to show up as I am. A flying acrobat coming in for a landing sometime soon hoping for a perfect one but knowing if it isn't you'll catch me if I fall. What a Christmas gift you all are. May your past allow you to see what a gift today, this Christmas and every breath of every moment is. Happy Holidays! LIVE for this moment! Thank you for reminding me that with peace in my mind and soul I AM ALREADY HOME! <3
Thursday, December 15, 2011
On God's time.
There are so many valuable lessons that I am grateful to be aware of everyday but the most significant one these days is that of the magic born in allowing things to unfold on God's time. Unlike my sibling and other family members, whose decision I respect, I chose to mourn the loss of my father. Part of the process was coming face to face with a lot of information. The "truth" was revealed in his passing. When I was little I was haunted by these lyrics, "a man can tell a thousand lies", and everytime I saw the video I thought of my father. Reading the lyrics as an adult was truly eerie as it is my father as I perceived him.
"I was not ready for the fall. I know where beauty lives. I've seen it once, I know the warm she gives. The light that you could never see. It shines inside, you can't take that from me." "If I ran away I wouldn't have the strength to go very far." So I didn't. I faced my reality instead.
I believe it a waste of time to sit here and tell you about all the lies and his mistakes so I have no secrets to tell. Quite frankly we'd be here all day and into the next. He was a soul who no matter how he tried he just couldn't get it right. I am not even sure he tried. Only he knows that. He led a very complicated life, which was a reflection of his very complicated childhood. One I wish upon no one and one unfortunately he passed on as he journeyed through life. People are what they know and do as they know if they don't find a way to break a pattern. This is the part where I am usually reminded by someone that he was the evil. I will give you this, the man was sick and needed help. Help he did not get but he still needed to exist in order for me to exist this time around as Adriana Garza. I am after all my father's daughter. It took more than just one person and God and the universe for me to come into existence. While I am well aware of this I am also well aware of the pain he caused many. He had twelve children and died alone with only one speaking to him at the time so as you can see he did unto himself as he had done to others.
While he was not in my life I had forgiven him and had a lovely chat with him about it. One of the most difficult things in my life yet a definite answered prayer. Little did I know that conversation would pale in comparison to what I choose to do this past weekend. It had taken me twenty-four years to be able to GENUINELY forgive him. When he passed in January I tried to get to his funeral. To go see his other kids. To find some sort of closure. None of it was unfolding. I pushed and eventually surrendered to God and the ways of the universe trusting that it just wasn't time.
This past weekend as I visited family in Mexico effortlessly a dream I held in my heart came to life. I met his daughter, the only one speaking to him, at his old apartment where he passed and she gave me some of his ashes. Holding my father in my hand that way was one of the most surreal experiences ever. I never really truly knew if I'd see him again but when I dreamt that I would it was never as ashes in my hand and yet I trust God's plan. I starred at him and asked her questions. I asked her if he had shared delight with her about speaking to me a few years back. I asked when he was born. How he was found dead. What he wore. Where my three younger sisters are. How old their mom is and in all these questions I confirmed rumors and finally got to see my father through his daughter's eyes. One that had been a part of his life.
Some truth is harsh and holds no comfort so for me it all came down to what I truly believe is so crucial in this existence, FORGIVENESS. I simply can not be angry. It just isn't part of me organically so why force myself to feel that which I don;t and that which consumes those I care for deeply whose words try to sway me into their anger. Only he will know the "truth" to a lot but I will always be grateful that he chose my mom and that together they gave me the gift of life. I am grateful that aside from some physical resemblance, my eyes, I am nothing like him. I am in awe of what a miracle that is. I truly am nothing like him. Yet I love him. I wish deeply that I could have loved him back to health but if my thirty-five years have taught me anything it's that you can't help those who don't want to help themselves. Some things simply are what they are.
I shall seek no more. I have been led to the destination of this journey that for thirty-five years I held within, the search for my father. All is as it should be. I will let him go be light wherever he is now and I will go on and shine mine here with you. I will tell his grandchildren the truth about him as I perceive it. He did not receive love and therefore could not be love. That he chose to be a victim of circumstance and that I did not which is why I crossed paths with their father but that it took a lot of work. I will marry the man I know my father, his life and the journey it led me on prepared me for. I will marry unconditional love that is present and available to create and guide ours. I will join in union with what I deserve and all that my father could not give, on God's time. Till God's time arrives I will reside in the heart of the matter, Forgiveness. "You keep carrying that anger it will eat you up inside."
Dios te acompane siempre papa, Te quiero! Nana. ;-)
P.S. Dad I know it wasn't personal. Thanks for what is unfolding. MAGIC. May God hold you close now. Goodbye. It's time to let go. It's time to LIVE in LOVE and RESIDE there, where I deserve to. It's time to wake up to my life again and break my pattern! I trust you understand.
"I was not ready for the fall. I know where beauty lives. I've seen it once, I know the warm she gives. The light that you could never see. It shines inside, you can't take that from me." "If I ran away I wouldn't have the strength to go very far." So I didn't. I faced my reality instead.
I believe it a waste of time to sit here and tell you about all the lies and his mistakes so I have no secrets to tell. Quite frankly we'd be here all day and into the next. He was a soul who no matter how he tried he just couldn't get it right. I am not even sure he tried. Only he knows that. He led a very complicated life, which was a reflection of his very complicated childhood. One I wish upon no one and one unfortunately he passed on as he journeyed through life. People are what they know and do as they know if they don't find a way to break a pattern. This is the part where I am usually reminded by someone that he was the evil. I will give you this, the man was sick and needed help. Help he did not get but he still needed to exist in order for me to exist this time around as Adriana Garza. I am after all my father's daughter. It took more than just one person and God and the universe for me to come into existence. While I am well aware of this I am also well aware of the pain he caused many. He had twelve children and died alone with only one speaking to him at the time so as you can see he did unto himself as he had done to others.
While he was not in my life I had forgiven him and had a lovely chat with him about it. One of the most difficult things in my life yet a definite answered prayer. Little did I know that conversation would pale in comparison to what I choose to do this past weekend. It had taken me twenty-four years to be able to GENUINELY forgive him. When he passed in January I tried to get to his funeral. To go see his other kids. To find some sort of closure. None of it was unfolding. I pushed and eventually surrendered to God and the ways of the universe trusting that it just wasn't time.
This past weekend as I visited family in Mexico effortlessly a dream I held in my heart came to life. I met his daughter, the only one speaking to him, at his old apartment where he passed and she gave me some of his ashes. Holding my father in my hand that way was one of the most surreal experiences ever. I never really truly knew if I'd see him again but when I dreamt that I would it was never as ashes in my hand and yet I trust God's plan. I starred at him and asked her questions. I asked her if he had shared delight with her about speaking to me a few years back. I asked when he was born. How he was found dead. What he wore. Where my three younger sisters are. How old their mom is and in all these questions I confirmed rumors and finally got to see my father through his daughter's eyes. One that had been a part of his life.
Some truth is harsh and holds no comfort so for me it all came down to what I truly believe is so crucial in this existence, FORGIVENESS. I simply can not be angry. It just isn't part of me organically so why force myself to feel that which I don;t and that which consumes those I care for deeply whose words try to sway me into their anger. Only he will know the "truth" to a lot but I will always be grateful that he chose my mom and that together they gave me the gift of life. I am grateful that aside from some physical resemblance, my eyes, I am nothing like him. I am in awe of what a miracle that is. I truly am nothing like him. Yet I love him. I wish deeply that I could have loved him back to health but if my thirty-five years have taught me anything it's that you can't help those who don't want to help themselves. Some things simply are what they are.
I shall seek no more. I have been led to the destination of this journey that for thirty-five years I held within, the search for my father. All is as it should be. I will let him go be light wherever he is now and I will go on and shine mine here with you. I will tell his grandchildren the truth about him as I perceive it. He did not receive love and therefore could not be love. That he chose to be a victim of circumstance and that I did not which is why I crossed paths with their father but that it took a lot of work. I will marry the man I know my father, his life and the journey it led me on prepared me for. I will marry unconditional love that is present and available to create and guide ours. I will join in union with what I deserve and all that my father could not give, on God's time. Till God's time arrives I will reside in the heart of the matter, Forgiveness. "You keep carrying that anger it will eat you up inside."
Dios te acompane siempre papa, Te quiero! Nana. ;-)
P.S. Dad I know it wasn't personal. Thanks for what is unfolding. MAGIC. May God hold you close now. Goodbye. It's time to let go. It's time to LIVE in LOVE and RESIDE there, where I deserve to. It's time to wake up to my life again and break my pattern! I trust you understand.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Calling all my angels.
I am tired to say the least. I woke this morning feeling like I wanted someone else to do all I have to get done by the twenty-first. Not unlike any other day I have a headache and bodyache. The latter is due to the huge entertainment center I moved on my own yesterday. Probably the couches too and all the boxes, tvs etc. One thing is certain I own too much for one person. So it's been a great cleansing process. Sure the timing isn't that great but as usual it's always God's time. I am certain no matter how hard today may make it to hold on to this belief, that great magical things are being born of this transition, I still BELIEVE.
Yesterday morning I had the opportunity to take a walk. I have to allow myself somedays. Today I have to take all my treasures i.e. awards, gowns, Hepburn memorabilia, press originals etc. to their new home so I can walk or blog. Blog it is. However yesterday on my walk I decided to listen to something other than Buble's Christmas album, which I am currently obsessed with. His rendition of "All I want for Christmas is you", is AMAZING. So melancholic and romantic. Anyway yesterday as I walked my neighbohood for what is one of the last times and conversed with God while admiring the beauty of nature I realized I needed something so relaxing and reassuring. A break from all the sixteens years of my life that are being put into boxes, given to Goodwill, sold to Amoeba, etc. I needed my angels to guide me and so they did.
As I walked I listened to an amazing song which reassured me that all is as it should be. Is it as I want? Absolutely not. I wanted to go to San Francisco all year, planned it twice and finally would with the Honda ad only to have that and my home gone within the same week. I want to be able to look forward to my family's posada in Mexico as I am attending for the first time this week and yet all I can think of is all I have to when I return. I want to be able to look forward to Christmas at home but I know that it will consist of questions already being asked of me everyday denying me the opportunity to live my way into the answers and trying to force answers out of me on their time.
So I must breathe, let go, surrender to what is and not what I wish was and remember that no matter what this appears like to ANYONE, God is with me every minute of every hour of every day and if I have the capacity to move beyond these aches it is because God grants me the strength to weather the storm and promises me the rainbow will so be worth it. I have lived this before. Not quite so much loss in one year alone but all this means is the space I have created is IMMENSE and so will be the gifts born of my faith. I am rebuilding from my foundation and looking forward to bringing my quote of the day to life, "The old woman I shall become will be quite different from the woman I am now. Another I is beginning."
Till I reach my destination I soldier on with friends and angels guiding the way. For them as usual I am beyond grateful! I remember that this too shall pass and that every problem has a solution and I am finding them as best as I can everyday while remaining open to the miracles I am being prepared for and that is why some answers take time. ;-) I blog to speak from the heart not to sell anything to anyone. I blog to let you know that like you I feel all kinds of emotions, so for today I ask for your prayers. Please send me all the love you can to help me continue to gather the strength I need to move forward. For now as usual I have to get going about my day trusting that my angels are answering my call. There is magic in my circumstances and I am open to receiving. Most of all I am open to God's time! This is the gift that kept me present in my walk yesterday. May you stay present to the gift that is TODAY.
P.S. Please don't worry for me. It's interesting to see some of my friend's reaction to when I am tired. All of us get tired. Having faith does not mean not processing emotion. I do not and will not deny myself the feelings that come with my transition but I will also not be a victim of them. I will simply, acknowledge, process them and move forward. Without human emotion there is no human connection and I love knowing that I AM YOU!
Yesterday morning I had the opportunity to take a walk. I have to allow myself somedays. Today I have to take all my treasures i.e. awards, gowns, Hepburn memorabilia, press originals etc. to their new home so I can walk or blog. Blog it is. However yesterday on my walk I decided to listen to something other than Buble's Christmas album, which I am currently obsessed with. His rendition of "All I want for Christmas is you", is AMAZING. So melancholic and romantic. Anyway yesterday as I walked my neighbohood for what is one of the last times and conversed with God while admiring the beauty of nature I realized I needed something so relaxing and reassuring. A break from all the sixteens years of my life that are being put into boxes, given to Goodwill, sold to Amoeba, etc. I needed my angels to guide me and so they did.
As I walked I listened to an amazing song which reassured me that all is as it should be. Is it as I want? Absolutely not. I wanted to go to San Francisco all year, planned it twice and finally would with the Honda ad only to have that and my home gone within the same week. I want to be able to look forward to my family's posada in Mexico as I am attending for the first time this week and yet all I can think of is all I have to when I return. I want to be able to look forward to Christmas at home but I know that it will consist of questions already being asked of me everyday denying me the opportunity to live my way into the answers and trying to force answers out of me on their time.
So I must breathe, let go, surrender to what is and not what I wish was and remember that no matter what this appears like to ANYONE, God is with me every minute of every hour of every day and if I have the capacity to move beyond these aches it is because God grants me the strength to weather the storm and promises me the rainbow will so be worth it. I have lived this before. Not quite so much loss in one year alone but all this means is the space I have created is IMMENSE and so will be the gifts born of my faith. I am rebuilding from my foundation and looking forward to bringing my quote of the day to life, "The old woman I shall become will be quite different from the woman I am now. Another I is beginning."
Till I reach my destination I soldier on with friends and angels guiding the way. For them as usual I am beyond grateful! I remember that this too shall pass and that every problem has a solution and I am finding them as best as I can everyday while remaining open to the miracles I am being prepared for and that is why some answers take time. ;-) I blog to speak from the heart not to sell anything to anyone. I blog to let you know that like you I feel all kinds of emotions, so for today I ask for your prayers. Please send me all the love you can to help me continue to gather the strength I need to move forward. For now as usual I have to get going about my day trusting that my angels are answering my call. There is magic in my circumstances and I am open to receiving. Most of all I am open to God's time! This is the gift that kept me present in my walk yesterday. May you stay present to the gift that is TODAY.
P.S. Please don't worry for me. It's interesting to see some of my friend's reaction to when I am tired. All of us get tired. Having faith does not mean not processing emotion. I do not and will not deny myself the feelings that come with my transition but I will also not be a victim of them. I will simply, acknowledge, process them and move forward. Without human emotion there is no human connection and I love knowing that I AM YOU!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Traveling light thru the unknown.
Just when I thought I had done enough work this year in the practice of surrendering and letting go I was asked to dig deeper, actually tear down completely, return to my foundation and rebuild. This was something I have fond memories of as I did this as well in 2004. It started then and the path it was leading to became apparent in 2006. Its journey there consisted of me spending the summer of 2005 in bed morning the loss of my grandfather which was preceded by the loss of my first therapist, Janet. One of the classiest women I ever crossed paths with. I remember so vividly the day in September of 2005 when I decided I had enough of just laying in bed. I exclaimed to God and the universe this week I will book a commercial. I did. I booked the Bank of America spot. My last residual commercial to air. UNICEF did not pay nor would I accept money and as we all know Burger King, Dodge and Reddi Wip did not air. This is the last time I type that story because a new one is commencing!
I did this to myself. What I mean is I asked for it. I didn't ask for Neil or my dad to go into another realm and that loss is different that what I am talk about when I say letting go. I did however ask after Neil's passing last year that I be guided elsewhere as I am tired of the scenery of where I live. I am grateful for it and its beautiful but I knew a change needed to take place. Neil's passing reminded of what is truly important and how in one instance everything can change so DRASTICALLY. So when I spoke it I claimed it. All of it! From continuing to struggle to get a commercial that airs and brings in residuals to moving. I didn't expect this move to be so abrupt and sudden but if I really look at all that is happening it isn't. Sure I have to be out by the 21st but I asked for this in October of 2010. Twice I was given the opportunity to go and I refused to take it so when I didn't do what was meant for me the universe guided by God did it for me right on time.
It was followed by booking a big Honda commercial which shot up North and then within five days and the eve of my 35th I got the call that Honda pulled my spot from the campaign. I could hear the sadness in my agent's voice as most people know of all the loss I have endured this year. As soon as I got off the phone I was at a loss for words. The packed suitcase in my trunk for the day after San Diego would stay there. There would be no need to rush back and catch a flight. There would still be one paycheck as I was officially hired but yet again residuals were gone. We make our money based on how much a commercial airs. This campaign was big to say the least. I guess the beauty in the mess is that I booked it and they made me work for it. They kept me for two hours at the final call and made me audition three times. We usually audition once, get a callback, get put on avail or are booked. I auditioned once, got a callback, got a second callback, was there for two hours, was put on avail an hour after leaving and was hired by the next evening. I considered a gift born of the space the loss of my home had created. I began to mentally plan what this meant I could do in January etc.
Within five days that plan fell apart. So I guess that old saying about wanting to make God laugh then we should make plans is true. However I don't believe for one minute that God is laughing. God is simply protecting me as I believe rejection is protection. In any area of our life. With awareness we can see this and that is one gift born of my journeys that I am most grateful for, awareness. I know there is a plan here and it has been echoed in the words of my friends. I was so afraid of telling everyone as I thought they would pity me and not be able to see what is happening and while they all believe the circumstance isn't the most pleasant it is what it is and their words warmed my somewhat broken heart. After all how much loss do I need for what is arriving? Apparently a lot. ;-)
I was so surprised by what Vince said to me as he is like my brother and Cole like my sister. She was the first person I told and that gave me the courage to tell Vince I would not be heading out to San Francisco the next day after all. He replied, "You more than anyone know everything happens for a reason." I smiled and then got teary eyed and we continued to talk. I told him I just wanted to leave everything behind and go to Paris and he told me not to go crazy. Such an older brother thing to say. Can't help but wonder what Neil would say. Then I told Danielle, Bev, Mary Queen, Areli, Manny, Suzette, Ruben and my mom.
Some didn't have words either and some said exactly what I needed to hear. Mary Queen spoke such beautiful words about what our time together has meant to her since we met in 2006 and how the way I handle things has influenced her as she navigates her twenties. Danielle told me as I cried that I knew what was happening and that just as there was this much loss there would be this much magic. Suzette said some of the most profound words as I sat across from her and Manny in Little Italy's Flippi's and tears filled my eyes, "It's just a fucking Honda commercial." Such powerful words that prompted feelings of what is truly important to come flooding in. Feelings I promised myself I would keep after Neil's passing. When your world is shaken like that you realize what matters and it is up to me to never forget. It is just a commercial. Loosing my film, my home, and everything else is as it should be. It's just stuff. Unlike Neil and my father I AM HERE. I am meant to be here and GROW through this and so I will. I choose it as much as it has chosen me.
Sitting next to Ruben last night at the theater watching his son, who played my son in my film Coelho's The Experimental Witch" I couldn't help but get teary eyed as he not only played my father in Bearing Fruit, he is a father figure to me. An AMAZING one. He always seems to know what to say. He told me how he hadn't replied to my email about choosing to walk away from my production because he wanted to tell me face to face that he was in my corner. He went on to say the most beautiful things that I will keep between me, him and God and the universe. After I said goodbye to his wife and son he walked me to my car and said to me, "Tread lightly. Big things are coming for you. I am in your corner."
I couldn't help but cry at that point and he then told me to tell him if I needed help moving. I would if I knew where I was going which is why his final words were so poignant. Areli walked into my apartment one day and exclaimed sell it all. I wanted to but I had excuses. That's my Burger King bed and dresser. I bought that with money from my accomplishments. My office furniture was bought when I started Adriana Garza Productions and it was expensive. I won't get much for it. I had looked at storage and after hearing Ruben's words I made a decision, to SELL IT ALL. Needless to say my place looks like a warehouse and I've gone around taking pictures of all the beauty it brought into my life before packing it or selling it.
I had decided to sell about fifty percent but now I am doing to do what I wanted to all along but didn't think I could, go forth and tread light. I don't need things, I need LOVE. I have it. I have the most EXTRAORDINARY friends. I wish you could meet them all. I have no words for how blessed I am in that department. So things will all go. I whole heartily believe IT IS NO COINCIDENCE this is all happening as I turn thirty-five. I know this kind of rebuilding happens every so often to help guide you to what you deserve. While I may not know exactly where I will be January 1, 2012 when I return from Christmas back home I do know where all this is ultimately leading. I have to say I never saw myself there or would have dreamt of it but seeing how life is unfolding and now at this age it makes absolute sense. The signs are pretty blatant but perhaps it's something only someone like me who lives by the signs and my God compass can fully understand which is why I make the decision to keep it to myself.
I will leave you with what I have learned the most. Loss serves a purpose. Butterflies die within two weeks. They do all that work and metamorphosis and within two weeks its over but they come back again and again are extraordinarily BEAUTIFUL. STUNNING! I believe we do the same expect unlike them we live longer and choose to let the circumstance give birth to beauty (the light) or pity (the darkness). I am going to have to say based on past experiences that I am about to birth a light so bright I'm not even going to believe what unfolds before my eyes and I am pretty faithful. I say goodbye to Honda, my home, Bearing Fruit and most of my possessions in order to give way to my rebirth. I am choosing to travel light and focus on LOVE and GRATITUDE. What a life these first thirty-five were and I can't wait to see what awaits me. Thru the unknown and to my destiny I head off. In the words the song in my car spoke last night as I bid farewell to Ruben, "This year (2012) is going to be incredible. This year the planets will align." And yet there is no rush. Just God's time. While we may wear different watches I welcome God's time for the gifts it brings make the dreams in my heart pale in comparison.
These are a few things that will travel with me. They deserve too. May your journey be filled with lessons that make you grateful for every breath.
This first one I recommend you always carry with you.
A miracle born of my self love. He wanted me to be someone else. I wanted to be me. Our path together ended and he put me on the road to Rome. Forever grateful that I learned to expect the unexpected.
Where my heart resides. With the children of the world.
What I must always remember in order to receive it. Good thing I can write this anywhere. ;-)
To remind me who I was is always who I am no matter what. That my essence is me. And that I can be girlie and kick ASS too!
Most important love of all! Never forget respect and miracles are born of it. Thanks Kris Haldane for gifting such beauty while I was in my twenties. It will continue with me.
To remind me what was born of the last time I tore down and rebuilt from my foundation. The tiny medal in the middle is the President's Volunteer Service Award. Never knew such a thing existed. ;-)
For my new home and new journey. I ran into while out getting moving boxes. SIGN! Great "rules" to live by. The tiny box is a space cleansing kit. See you soon!
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