Just when I thought I had done enough work this year in the practice of surrendering and letting go I was asked to dig deeper, actually tear down completely, return to my foundation and rebuild. This was something I have fond memories of as I did this as well in 2004. It started then and the path it was leading to became apparent in 2006. Its journey there consisted of me spending the summer of 2005 in bed morning the loss of my grandfather which was preceded by the loss of my first therapist, Janet. One of the classiest women I ever crossed paths with. I remember so vividly the day in September of 2005 when I decided I had enough of just laying in bed. I exclaimed to God and the universe this week I will book a commercial. I did. I booked the Bank of America spot. My last residual commercial to air. UNICEF did not pay nor would I accept money and as we all know Burger King, Dodge and Reddi Wip did not air. This is the last time I type that story because a new one is commencing!
I did this to myself. What I mean is I asked for it. I didn't ask for Neil or my dad to go into another realm and that loss is different that what I am talk about when I say letting go. I did however ask after Neil's passing last year that I be guided elsewhere as I am tired of the scenery of where I live. I am grateful for it and its beautiful but I knew a change needed to take place. Neil's passing reminded of what is truly important and how in one instance everything can change so DRASTICALLY. So when I spoke it I claimed it. All of it! From continuing to struggle to get a commercial that airs and brings in residuals to moving. I didn't expect this move to be so abrupt and sudden but if I really look at all that is happening it isn't. Sure I have to be out by the 21st but I asked for this in October of 2010. Twice I was given the opportunity to go and I refused to take it so when I didn't do what was meant for me the universe guided by God did it for me right on time.
It was followed by booking a big Honda commercial which shot up North and then within five days and the eve of my 35th I got the call that Honda pulled my spot from the campaign. I could hear the sadness in my agent's voice as most people know of all the loss I have endured this year. As soon as I got off the phone I was at a loss for words. The packed suitcase in my trunk for the day after San Diego would stay there. There would be no need to rush back and catch a flight. There would still be one paycheck as I was officially hired but yet again residuals were gone. We make our money based on how much a commercial airs. This campaign was big to say the least. I guess the beauty in the mess is that I booked it and they made me work for it. They kept me for two hours at the final call and made me audition three times. We usually audition once, get a callback, get put on avail or are booked. I auditioned once, got a callback, got a second callback, was there for two hours, was put on avail an hour after leaving and was hired by the next evening. I considered a gift born of the space the loss of my home had created. I began to mentally plan what this meant I could do in January etc.
Within five days that plan fell apart. So I guess that old saying about wanting to make God laugh then we should make plans is true. However I don't believe for one minute that God is laughing. God is simply protecting me as I believe rejection is protection. In any area of our life. With awareness we can see this and that is one gift born of my journeys that I am most grateful for, awareness. I know there is a plan here and it has been echoed in the words of my friends. I was so afraid of telling everyone as I thought they would pity me and not be able to see what is happening and while they all believe the circumstance isn't the most pleasant it is what it is and their words warmed my somewhat broken heart. After all how much loss do I need for what is arriving? Apparently a lot. ;-)
I was so surprised by what Vince said to me as he is like my brother and Cole like my sister. She was the first person I told and that gave me the courage to tell Vince I would not be heading out to San Francisco the next day after all. He replied, "You more than anyone know everything happens for a reason." I smiled and then got teary eyed and we continued to talk. I told him I just wanted to leave everything behind and go to Paris and he told me not to go crazy. Such an older brother thing to say. Can't help but wonder what Neil would say. Then I told Danielle, Bev, Mary Queen, Areli, Manny, Suzette, Ruben and my mom.
Some didn't have words either and some said exactly what I needed to hear. Mary Queen spoke such beautiful words about what our time together has meant to her since we met in 2006 and how the way I handle things has influenced her as she navigates her twenties. Danielle told me as I cried that I knew what was happening and that just as there was this much loss there would be this much magic. Suzette said some of the most profound words as I sat across from her and Manny in Little Italy's Flippi's and tears filled my eyes, "It's just a fucking Honda commercial." Such powerful words that prompted feelings of what is truly important to come flooding in. Feelings I promised myself I would keep after Neil's passing. When your world is shaken like that you realize what matters and it is up to me to never forget. It is just a commercial. Loosing my film, my home, and everything else is as it should be. It's just stuff. Unlike Neil and my father I AM HERE. I am meant to be here and GROW through this and so I will. I choose it as much as it has chosen me.
Sitting next to Ruben last night at the theater watching his son, who played my son in my film Coelho's The Experimental Witch" I couldn't help but get teary eyed as he not only played my father in Bearing Fruit, he is a father figure to me. An AMAZING one. He always seems to know what to say. He told me how he hadn't replied to my email about choosing to walk away from my production because he wanted to tell me face to face that he was in my corner. He went on to say the most beautiful things that I will keep between me, him and God and the universe. After I said goodbye to his wife and son he walked me to my car and said to me, "Tread lightly. Big things are coming for you. I am in your corner."
I couldn't help but cry at that point and he then told me to tell him if I needed help moving. I would if I knew where I was going which is why his final words were so poignant. Areli walked into my apartment one day and exclaimed sell it all. I wanted to but I had excuses. That's my Burger King bed and dresser. I bought that with money from my accomplishments. My office furniture was bought when I started Adriana Garza Productions and it was expensive. I won't get much for it. I had looked at storage and after hearing Ruben's words I made a decision, to SELL IT ALL. Needless to say my place looks like a warehouse and I've gone around taking pictures of all the beauty it brought into my life before packing it or selling it.
I had decided to sell about fifty percent but now I am doing to do what I wanted to all along but didn't think I could, go forth and tread light. I don't need things, I need LOVE. I have it. I have the most EXTRAORDINARY friends. I wish you could meet them all. I have no words for how blessed I am in that department. So things will all go. I whole heartily believe IT IS NO COINCIDENCE this is all happening as I turn thirty-five. I know this kind of rebuilding happens every so often to help guide you to what you deserve. While I may not know exactly where I will be January 1, 2012 when I return from Christmas back home I do know where all this is ultimately leading. I have to say I never saw myself there or would have dreamt of it but seeing how life is unfolding and now at this age it makes absolute sense. The signs are pretty blatant but perhaps it's something only someone like me who lives by the signs and my God compass can fully understand which is why I make the decision to keep it to myself.
I will leave you with what I have learned the most. Loss serves a purpose. Butterflies die within two weeks. They do all that work and metamorphosis and within two weeks its over but they come back again and again are extraordinarily BEAUTIFUL. STUNNING! I believe we do the same expect unlike them we live longer and choose to let the circumstance give birth to beauty (the light) or pity (the darkness). I am going to have to say based on past experiences that I am about to birth a light so bright I'm not even going to believe what unfolds before my eyes and I am pretty faithful. I say goodbye to Honda, my home, Bearing Fruit and most of my possessions in order to give way to my rebirth. I am choosing to travel light and focus on LOVE and GRATITUDE. What a life these first thirty-five were and I can't wait to see what awaits me. Thru the unknown and to my destiny I head off. In the words the song in my car spoke last night as I bid farewell to Ruben, "This year (2012) is going to be incredible. This year the planets will align." And yet there is no rush. Just God's time. While we may wear different watches I welcome God's time for the gifts it brings make the dreams in my heart pale in comparison.
These are a few things that will travel with me. They deserve too. May your journey be filled with lessons that make you grateful for every breath.
This first one I recommend you always carry with you.
A miracle born of my self love. He wanted me to be someone else. I wanted to be me. Our path together ended and he put me on the road to Rome. Forever grateful that I learned to expect the unexpected.
Where my heart resides. With the children of the world.
What I must always remember in order to receive it. Good thing I can write this anywhere. ;-)
To remind me who I was is always who I am no matter what. That my essence is me. And that I can be girlie and kick ASS too!
Most important love of all! Never forget respect and miracles are born of it. Thanks Kris Haldane for gifting such beauty while I was in my twenties. It will continue with me.
To remind me what was born of the last time I tore down and rebuilt from my foundation. The tiny medal in the middle is the President's Volunteer Service Award. Never knew such a thing existed. ;-)
For my new home and new journey. I ran into while out getting moving boxes. SIGN! Great "rules" to live by. The tiny box is a space cleansing kit. See you soon!
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