I am tired to say the least. I woke this morning feeling like I wanted someone else to do all I have to get done by the twenty-first. Not unlike any other day I have a headache and bodyache. The latter is due to the huge entertainment center I moved on my own yesterday. Probably the couches too and all the boxes, tvs etc. One thing is certain I own too much for one person. So it's been a great cleansing process. Sure the timing isn't that great but as usual it's always God's time. I am certain no matter how hard today may make it to hold on to this belief, that great magical things are being born of this transition, I still BELIEVE.
Yesterday morning I had the opportunity to take a walk. I have to allow myself somedays. Today I have to take all my treasures i.e. awards, gowns, Hepburn memorabilia, press originals etc. to their new home so I can walk or blog. Blog it is. However yesterday on my walk I decided to listen to something other than Buble's Christmas album, which I am currently obsessed with. His rendition of "All I want for Christmas is you", is AMAZING. So melancholic and romantic. Anyway yesterday as I walked my neighbohood for what is one of the last times and conversed with God while admiring the beauty of nature I realized I needed something so relaxing and reassuring. A break from all the sixteens years of my life that are being put into boxes, given to Goodwill, sold to Amoeba, etc. I needed my angels to guide me and so they did.
As I walked I listened to an amazing song which reassured me that all is as it should be. Is it as I want? Absolutely not. I wanted to go to San Francisco all year, planned it twice and finally would with the Honda ad only to have that and my home gone within the same week. I want to be able to look forward to my family's posada in Mexico as I am attending for the first time this week and yet all I can think of is all I have to when I return. I want to be able to look forward to Christmas at home but I know that it will consist of questions already being asked of me everyday denying me the opportunity to live my way into the answers and trying to force answers out of me on their time.
So I must breathe, let go, surrender to what is and not what I wish was and remember that no matter what this appears like to ANYONE, God is with me every minute of every hour of every day and if I have the capacity to move beyond these aches it is because God grants me the strength to weather the storm and promises me the rainbow will so be worth it. I have lived this before. Not quite so much loss in one year alone but all this means is the space I have created is IMMENSE and so will be the gifts born of my faith. I am rebuilding from my foundation and looking forward to bringing my quote of the day to life, "The old woman I shall become will be quite different from the woman I am now. Another I is beginning."
Till I reach my destination I soldier on with friends and angels guiding the way. For them as usual I am beyond grateful! I remember that this too shall pass and that every problem has a solution and I am finding them as best as I can everyday while remaining open to the miracles I am being prepared for and that is why some answers take time. ;-) I blog to speak from the heart not to sell anything to anyone. I blog to let you know that like you I feel all kinds of emotions, so for today I ask for your prayers. Please send me all the love you can to help me continue to gather the strength I need to move forward. For now as usual I have to get going about my day trusting that my angels are answering my call. There is magic in my circumstances and I am open to receiving. Most of all I am open to God's time! This is the gift that kept me present in my walk yesterday. May you stay present to the gift that is TODAY.
P.S. Please don't worry for me. It's interesting to see some of my friend's reaction to when I am tired. All of us get tired. Having faith does not mean not processing emotion. I do not and will not deny myself the feelings that come with my transition but I will also not be a victim of them. I will simply, acknowledge, process them and move forward. Without human emotion there is no human connection and I love knowing that I AM YOU!
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