The past has been very present for almost the last thirty days because I have been packing it up. As I type this I am staring at it and multi tasking. You would too if the double feature tonight in your house was Pride and Prejudice followed by The Notebook. Thank you Oxygen. I may still have to pack and you tube while I type in between commercial breaks but I can do it all. Actually that has been something that I have been working hard as well to understand I don't have to be, my own hero twenty-four seven. This "abrupt" change i.e. move has provided me the opportunity to be well less stubborn. Trust me I know I am. Sometimes it's good and sometimes not so good. I told Jake to forget it that I would dismantle my bed on my own today. Luckily he didn't listen to me and came over anyway. As he worked I looked at him and realized I will miss going over to ask him for a favor, or how he is, or who he's dating. Maybe chat about Gaby our friend and his client and her latest success. I will miss going next door. He is one of the coolest guys I know. A treasure of my past/present, ten years and counting, for sure. He's like a brother and in eachother we found the family that distance has not allowed us to be near. Ladies this is him working hard today. He's lovely and single. Just saying. After this he may kick me but hey I would love to see him happily in love.
As he worked he posed a question that triggered so much for me. He asked "If you have to move why not move back home?" Home. As I answered him in complete honesty I finished by saying, "I am home." I know that change scares people and change that you did not take the initiative on scares them more. Me, well this is the kind of change I have come to understand is done to help you move towards and into what you deserve but were too scared to take the leap of faith. I guess I didn't realize I was until thirty days go. Those almost thirty days have brought such great teachers with lessons that reminded me why sometimes I want to head towards wide open spaces and have room for big mistakes but at least know I tried to live for me and my heart while being aware that my actions have a chain reaction. That has been a treasure of my past that reappeared to show me how far I've come and have yet to go.
I can honestly say some encounters teach me how not be mean or rude and respond with what I was given. They are teachers of patience whose lessons come in the choice of words spoken by others. I do know nothing is personal but when those who I am bound to by blood express themselves as if I am to hold value based on things I don't believe in than I can definitely say it's PATIENCE I am to learn....yet again...still..after all these years. ;-) Instead of a tatoo I opted to change it whenever it feels right to do so to accompany my current lesson.
Right now would be a good time to express gratitude to my old self for allowing me to defend myself without anger or hatred simply my view. A view so unlike those whose words seemed insensitive and one I always try hard not to impose on anyone while expressing it.
I've packed up pictures, all sorts of belongings which allowed me to rediscover some treasures all while I laughed and cried. Mostly laughed at this, which is so surreal in a way. I used to kiss his pin goodnight when I was like 32. Just kidding, 12.
After I packed that up I packed this up and was reminded of all the fun Paul Jones gifted me with in our short time together. I love creative made gifts. You can't buy me. ;-) He stole my heart with this. The sixth New Kid who now finds himself in a box with his band mates.
The treasures of packing are endless. Pictures of me and my former bestfriend. We were bestfriends for fourteen years up until a year ago when our paths diverged and we chose different routes but memories of all we have lived came rushing back as I stared at pictures. She was twenty-seven when we met and I was nineteen. She has two beautiful children now and lives in a world so different than the one I chose. I am so grateful for all we lived and will forever hold her and our fun, goofy times together in my heart. I have no doubt she does too. She, Paul (Rodriguez- I know too many Paul's!) and many others are now boxed up and it gives me such joy to look up and see how well I was able to embrace the treasures of my past and let a lot of them go. Danielle and Cienna helped me pack. Okay more like Cienna cried, she's seven months, and Danielle and I packed and Danielle was so surprised at how easy it was for me to let go of things that reminded me people, places and things that I am well aware will prevent me from moving forward into what I deserve. Even cds with pictures were thrown out. Into the recycle bin of course. ;-)
There are so many gifts being born of this present I don't want to block their arrival with the weight of my past, figuratively and literally, being carried by me. I realize that for those who love me this transition is scary. Some aren't close enough to see its magic unfold and quite frankly maybe only I can see the magic in this darkness. After all I am the one walking this tunnel. No one else. I trust it. All of it. Some days its hard simply because I am tired but I still trust. I believe whole heartily that when you do then you are ensuring yourself that MAGIC will show up. That miracles will appear on time which is why this gift of my present from Jessica was a timely God sent text reaffirming my faith in miracles.
Then of course there are the gifts of all the friends who have volunteered to show up and help. Bev, Pamela, Danielle, Cienna, Jake, Ruben, James and Areli have done so much in such a brief period that I can without a doubt say God has my back and sent in its angels. Then there is the friend whose timely words never fail to put a smile on my face when I feel like just for that moment I may not have it in me. Whose light shines my light so that I can keep going and keep doing what I am doing while I find my way yet again through this....
One who sees me as I see me and reminds me that it is more than okay for me to believe in the miracle I am living my way into, which even if I can not see it yet I trust is unfolding before my eyes right on time, just in time, God's time. The day their words gave me strength to move forward I got in the car with Zoey and headed to our annual girl's night Christmas Celebration at the Grove and the following song came on the radio. It reminded me of how far I come and how "I never said I was a victim of circumstance" but I do claim to continue to be a dreamer and follow them despite them not being what others had hoped for me. That I do take credit for because well it's my life and in my view of that life the manifestation of my dreams exceeds them. <3
Perhaps what scares some the most is that while I am not certain where I will land after this leap of faith prompted by God and the universe and accepted by yours truly I trust the net will appear and I will land where I have to in order to continue to live in the moment, live my dreams and manifest my destiny. Wherever I need to be for this new era that is being born I will be. To the treasures of my past, which packing lightly has allowed me revisit I am grateful for the past thirty-five years. You were ALL so good to me and I wouldn't change a thing! No regrets. To the gifts of the present thank you for choosing to keep living in the moment with me. To be so good to me and to allow me to show up as I am. A flying acrobat coming in for a landing sometime soon hoping for a perfect one but knowing if it isn't you'll catch me if I fall. What a Christmas gift you all are. May your past allow you to see what a gift today, this Christmas and every breath of every moment is. Happy Holidays! LIVE for this moment! Thank you for reminding me that with peace in my mind and soul I AM ALREADY HOME! <3
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