Giving her the gift of fighting her own battles.

Three years ago this month God and the universe let their plans of crossing my paths with one very lovely eleven year old finally unfold before my eyes after close to a year of waiting for a match. She had just applied the week before to be a little sister. I had longed for children of my own for as long as I can recall and while that universal conspiracy had not manifested itself yet, then or now, I did what felt right to my heart at the time and decided to mentor a child through Big Brother Big Sister. These children usually come from a one parent household. Something I could identify with. I've always been told how special what I do is and I am quick to let people know that what they believe I do for her she has also done for me. I believe we crossed paths when both of us needed it most and when we could be healers for eachother as love, in my humble opinion, is more grand when it's two way street in this particular situation.

She has been one of my greatest teachers in these three years, which have flown by! I have seen her go from being a Taylor Swift loving eleven year old to a Katy Perry imitating fourteen year old, colored hair and all. I have such beautiful memories of all the fun we've lived. From Disneyland on her birthday to visting Santa to spending our Saturday nights doing this and no I am not ashamed! ;-) Quite the opposite! I am grateful I have someone who I can completely be myself with! It was afterall my idea.


One of my most treasured memories is one which showcases the capacity of the human heart and its ability to love even after all she has faced at such a young age. While riding in the car through Hollywood back in the day when Taylor Swift was allowed to be heard through the speakers I began to cry as White Horse came on. When she questioned my tears I told of her of a recent love lost who had found his way into a union which was with someone else although I thought it'd be me. I honestly and openly explained to her all that came with it. When we got out of the car she came over looked me in the eyes and said someone needs a hug as she held me tight. It is in moment like that when I clearly see God's plan for this fatherless child and her motherless little sister. It's in knowing that we have eachother's back that I find great comfort to endure all we both have. She was able to hold my hand as I dealt with the passing of Neil and three months later my father and recently I held her hand through a very dark period. A moment where sadly she questioned where home was for her.

It is in moments like that when I come to understand that the hardest job in the world is indeed the one that doesn't pay, requires work around the clock, and the ability to trust and let go constantly! It is the one that teaches you how to be brave in the depth of uncertainity of what the future holds for someone you care for deeply. Someone you helped create and bring into existence. However these past three years have taught me that I did not need to be present at her arrival on planet Earth to know to the love of a parent for a child. If I can love this much I often wonder how I will be with my own children. I am grateful to have had the gift of a run through! To my mother, all single parents and all parents I commend you for choosing to guide a life in this existence and hopefully learning when to let go, even if it's a struggle like it is for me.

The current journey consists of me having to let go and giving her the gift of fighting her own battles. Trusting that like me she is being guided by that same unseen force I choose to call God and its angels I choose to call the magic of the universe. I have to trust that despite all she has lived at such a young age she will make her way to them. To being able to trust in the unseen, which loves her and wants what is best for her. That she will make her way back to love. Back home no matter how much she questions the existence of such a place.

Part of what helps us both grow is that we see the world so differently! How different our questions are and how in that we can help eachother grow. I must admit as someone who loves her deeply I secretly or not so secretly anymore hope she grows my way towards the light. Although I have complete understanding that unconditional love means I must accept her no matter what direction she grows in. I highly doubt I'll follow though as dark eyeliner and orange hair doesn't go with my complexion. ;-) Ahhhh the growing pains of a teenager. In them I have found immense grtatitude for my mom and have called more than once with an apology for all the pain I may have unknowningly caused and all the times I may have broken her heart. She reassures me it's part of being a part and while it may not be easy it just is. Thoughts of the times my angel has broken my heart surface and I realize that yes it is part of having the hardest job in the world.

Letting her go means I trust that my example through my actions and words but more importantly actions have shown her what she needs to see but that she must soldier on becoming Zoey. That she will pick what is best for her and leave the rest behind. This is where trust has to come in for me. It does eventually. After I make all the calls I can I surrender control of the outcome to God. I show up be of service to her by guiding and then I let go. Wish me luck with my own kids. I understand you so much better know mom and I gather that understanding will continue to grow.

Precious angel I come to you with gratitude for teaching me the capacity of the human heart's ability to love beyond what I already knew! For allowing me into your heart when life's experience had left you less than enthusiatic to do so. You know something beautiful girl. I believe that miles and miles away from our home planet Earth and perhaps beyond the stars God, the universe and your angel were conspiring to cross our paths! They knew exactly when we both would need it most and there we found ourselves at the headquarters office beginning a bond nothing can break. I know life on life's terms has you questioning where home is. I can't tell you where you should find it but I can promise you it's where your heart is. You are in mine always and I can only hope you carry me in yours. You are always welcome home! I love you, JUST AS YOU ARE! Thank you for affording me the same!

When you are ready the universe will conspire and cross your path with his. I promise. The details are in the fabric of your life being woven by God and the universe.

Falling into the arms of love.

Just for today I want to run away from it all. Neil's death, my father's death, almost loosing my home twice in the past year, my angel girl being hospitalized and every thing that I had not planned on. Everything that was not my vision but became my reality. I want to just run home and have my mother hold me in her arms and tell me everything is and will be okay. I can't do that because my mom is the kind of mom who loves so much and gives so much that she fears for all of her seven children so much. She doesn't take too well to me being detoured and just wants an absolutely smooth ride for me with no bumps in the road. I presume the day I hold my first born in my arms and look into his/her eyes I will understand the depth of her love. I can't even tell her what I am currently growing through because I know it will break her heart.

My ego has come under attack. I've been informed that who I am here on my blog and in the world's eyes as exposed through my work is not who I am. Perception. It's such a beautiful yet tricky thing. Yet I welcome it and understand that people will always see the world as they are not as it is. To some I may be a saint and to some, especially when I take care of myself and do what feels right to me not what is overall right, I am far from a saint. Perhaps my ability to stand firmly in my beliefs even when everything I stand for and voice is under attack comes from that same mother who loves too much. If it's possible to love too much. The one who raised seven kids on her own. Who fought when she needed to fight and who lost and learned and loved and grew. I am my mother's daughter after all.

So as I lay on my couch contemplating the third "attack" from a third source in a month it is within I choose to go. I must seek the answers within. I must yet again be still and trust what feels right to me. I smile recalling the words my friend AJ quoted when I was kicked out of book club, "Well behaved woman rarely make history." ;-) I will not always be liked especially when I don't see things as others see them. I understand. As sad as I am today I've learned that it is okay to not be liked even if it hurts. I am human after all. Not being liked will not keep me from standing firmly in my beliefs even if those beliefs are accused of being false. Again perception. We are all entitled to it. As much as I am entitled to speak of what I believe people are entitled to accuse me of being the opposite of my beliefs.

I wish I could agree with them but all that would do is temporarily put a band aid on a cut which needs to heal. I need to heal. They need to heal and eventually we can agree to disagree. I will continue to do so from a place of love even if I am accused otherwise. I understand what hurt and disappointment can cause all of us to see. All I stand for was summed up in my calendar's daily quote, "True prayer is not asking God for love, it is learning to love and to include all mankind in one affection." MB Eddy. I will continue to be love in all my actions while taking care of myself. I have said it before and I will say again, being love does not mean I am a doormat and offering expression of things without limits does not mean you go before me and I will go last and endure pain for your happiness. My twenties are over! Thank God. ;-) But interpretation of my beliefs is all yours and I am okay with that because I have fallen into arms of love.

My friends who never seize to amaze me! They don't always agree with me which is in fact very healthy. Some of them have disagreed with me so much we take breaks from eachother to heal our feelings and come back to eachother from a place of love. Life's too short for anything else! So today they answered the call of my wounded heart. Paul let me cry in his ear. Eric let me vent in his ear and Danielle let me joke with her about the lips of another touching the lips of the one I long to kiss adding salt to my current wound. Somethings I don't need to see. ;-) I like to think that in the midst of it all I smile at life because it is always smiling at me. Bev answered the phone to hear me say "I did not envision this unfolding this way. I have become her in more ways than I intended to! Now all that is missing is the light making its way into my life and not rescuing me but holding my hand through all this growth. After all in it is written in the pages of her life and mine." Synchronicity or life imitating art. Cue the music, set the lighting, the mood and in he comes. Okay my life is not a movie. ;-)

So in my reality I am faced with the choice to continue to be me and hold high regard for all I have lived which has made me the woman I am today. To continue to love me when others loath me. To not be silenced by the fears of what other's may interpret or choose to believe. To continue to trust in my idea of God and the universe. To know that like always I am being guided by them and even this is part of the plan to hopefully make all of us involved better people and better able to take care of ourselves and our beliefs even if they oppose eachother. In opposition I have found out exactly who I am and what I stand for. May you do the same. May you voice your beliefs and allow others to voice theirs. May you continue to stand firmly in them even when you are disliked for them! Above all like one of the most inspiring women whose life story I have seen a million times, may you TRUST YOURSELF, YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF GOD, AND YOUR IDEA OF WHAT IS RIGHT. Like me may you also learn that it is okay to sit with the sadness of one incredibly tough year trusting that the sun whether it can be seen or not is always there. God I know you are with me. Let's carry on! "When the storm breaks some are dumb with terror and some spread their wings and soar!" Time to soar yet again. Dearest FEAR, thank you for encouraging me to use my voice and for making me the woman I am today! See you on the battlfield. At this point you should recognize me. I am the one armed with love and as always sending you love! <3 Interpret that as you wish as I trust you will.

Affirming my way to a miracle.

The time is here yet again. The time when God and the universe test my faith by asking me to be still and do nothing. For me this is the hardest part of my journey. It seems that when I work, work, work I have an illusion of control and yes while I may be able to control the task at hand within reach it's truly the big picture that is out of my control. As you have read I tend to know where I am headed because I follow signs. A skill I have developed by tuning into my intuition and listening to it as best as I can. Somedays, happy to report very rare days, my intuition can be silenced by rumblings of the committee, i.e. all the voices of negativity spoken to me by others through out the years compiled into one big loud obnoxious voice. It tends to make itself present in moments of silence when I have done all I can and the only thing left to do is as my favorite philosopher suggested, "Adopt the pace of nature. Her secret is patience." RW Emerson.

So here I am patiently awaiting my destiny. Knowing that I have done all I can to arrive at the destination I had hoped for while trusting that wherever it is I am being detoured to is going to be much better than I envisioned. If I was to judge this by sight and not faith I would say odds were stacked against me but anyone who knows me knows I don't believe in what I see I believe in what my hearts speaks of to me in this silence I am currently being asked to be present in. I awoke wanting to take control by doing just one more thing to help things land in the palm of my hand. I said "You know God just one more push to know I tried everything." Then I laughed at myself and God laughed with me because we both knew it wasn't one more push to know I did everything I could, it was one more push to control what is currently not in my hands, the outcome of over two years of insanely hard dedicated work.

So when the committee appeared assuring me of all that could go wrong I made a decision in that moment to affirm my way to a miracle. I know I've co-produced them with God many a times but this one folks, this one is going to have to be HUGE. Further more reason to partner with God instead of those whose choices based and made out of fear led them to believe they could control what they can't. Among those things, me. I'm sad. I am. I am never afraid of expressing emotion because for me that is the only way to make it thru it instead of going around it pretending nothing is wrong and then having it get me later when I least expect it. I am facing my sadness now. I am accepting that we are all on different journeys and that sometimes people I care for whom I've worked hard with will choose to walk with fear instead of love. Something I can do nothing about. All I can do is continue to be me and do what feels right to me.

So here I am doing what my heart and gut ask of me today. Nothing. I've done all I can for over TWO years. I've followed every sign I could since our paths crossed and it was a story in an imagination. I guided it into being put on paper and honed it along with many talented people into what it is today. I took several trips to Austin. Took several meetings in Los Angeles and Austin, secured locations in both cities, and the list is endless. Most importantly is knowing that God and the universe know of all my efforts and nothing else needs to be proven to anyone. Magic comes from the unseen by others things we do everyday. Amazing people chose to work free of charge on this with me from casting to directing all in hopes of bringing something magical to fruition and just as the ninth hour approaches I was asked to share control and all my work not to my idea of God but to another human. I couldn't. Maybe in the process I've shot myself in the foot but I can't do that which goes against every word I have worked so hard to become. I don't speak of what I hope to become someday and have my actions oppose those words. I speak of what I am and therefore I become it.

I am a woman in love with life and EVERY detour God has presented before me, which has allowed my faith in this magical unexplainable, unseen force to grow. I have no proof other than my life, existence and all the magic I have been blessed to LIVE which was born of this faith. Yet to me that is so much PROOF of this unseen force being my guide. I don't have a problem sharing control when it happens organically but when it is being requested of me and the force behind it is fear there is no way I can do it. I can't affirm my way to a miracle by allowing fear to befriend me, holding its hand and allowing it to take all of us working on this into the destruction that comes from our time not God's time. That is what I feel happens when I don't surrender control to God and instead hold fear's hand down a path of my time where the magic isn't present. I won't do it! I simply can not do it especially when fear attacked me and my work in the process to get its way further pushing me away. When are you going to get it? You can't control me silly, ultimately you make me stronger so wait I should thank you for making an appearance yet again.

I will choose what I am being asked to do right now, be still, simply because this has become my way of life. I expect NO ONE to understand it or embrace it but I also will allow NO ONE to get in the way of my miracle. I will detach with love. I will go on with love and I will send love to anyone who tries to dispell the magic of my journey. I am not here to do as I am asked by others living in fear. I am here to do what is asked of me grounded in LOVE. While my sadness is based on fear embodying someone I care for and allowing them to treat me disrespectfully I will still come from love because I have seen its face. It's astounding the face of love, the grace of God. It's there wanting to be seen by you and me. It's as powerful as the face of fear yet a lot more rewarding. I've been affirming miracles in many areas of my life as my thirty-fifth year on planet Earth approaches and I can SENSE the gifts bestowed on that day, prior to and after will be born of this affirmation, I AM WORTHY! SO ARE YOU! May you allow the face of love to guide you in this sometimes inexplicable yet insanely beautiful gift called the PRESENT!

"In silence I feared my heart would remain words unheard." I have been proven wrong and I am grateful! I found the light and it found me. We are loved.

The Art of Failure.

The time is nearing for me to walk away from something I have passionately poured my heart and soul into for almost two years. It was made clear to me today that I either do things the way I am being told to do them or I "loose" everything. Ahhh that force called fear strikes enveloping someone I care for and taking over their being allowing them the illusion of control over my fate. So here I am yet again having to welcome it, face it, confront it, and let it go. My first step was to walk away from one long email with all of my mistakes pointed out, which concluded in my failure to meet their expectations. The second step was to take a walk and converse with God. Looking up at the stunning overcast skies I got a clear sign. The light briefly peering through held my answer. It was time to stand up for myself and my work once again not allowing their idea of my failure or fear of loss to keep me from honoring myself and my gut instinct. Take a look at my beautiful sign! Can you see the angels? ;-)


The more I grow the more I can take care of myself and the less the fear of loss paralyzes me. Honestly I can't recall the last time fear paralyzed me. I have leapt big time in many ways and most recently in a way I never have before. I think it's what life wants from us. For us to trust it and its detours. To believe in a life better than the one we envisioned and that is what I saw when I saw the overcast skies before my eyes. I felt like God was saying trust yourself, you may not end up where you thought you would but like before you will end up somewhere just a bit more magical. More deserving. With that thought in mind I took step three. Came home, faced the fear and surrendered. I gave up what I have held so closely to me for so long that she became me and I became her. I let her go. Let it all go. Her world, her family, me living vicariously through her pretending to be a woman with a father and I think she'd be proud. Afterall like me she stood up for what she thought was right too in the pages of her written world.

Unlike her I was standing up for my sense of worth. No longer able to tolerate being told repeatedly how nothing I do is meeting their expectations or vision. All I can conclude is that it doesn't matter what they see because what I see is so different! Afterall I am the one who sailed the ship through the uncharted waters, which included two deaths, a hospitalized loved one, a loved one with cancer, agency changes and the list is endless. Yet in my eyes with everything going on in my life I managed to produce a miracle! A miracle that is not being seen as one. I know the drill. It's not about me, it's about an expectation and how having one gave them a premedated resentment, which is being taken out on me but it's still sad. I had to share my decision to surrender and walk away with my partner in crime in the arts and perhaps that was the hardest thing of all. Breaking his heart and his dream. He understood where I was coming from but like me was sad to see it end this way. My friend Kris told me today that she admired how I could decide where I wanted to go and create the cement to pave the path before me. Her words stole my heart and the emotions they created flowed out of me reminding me of the power I possess when I co- create with my creator. Of the magic in the unknown I have yet again been catapulted into.

In a couple of months if I am unable to secure what I need the most I will no longer be able to call it mine. I am okay with that. I am okay with being a "failure" in their eyes because if I have learned from my past "failures" then I should let you know now MAGIC awaits me. It's simply about it being more magical and beautiful than this. So I release all attachment to what is! I make way for what is currently being conjured up miles and miles away from here far away from planet Earth, which will arrive right on time and become my reality. My story produced by God and the universe. The only co-producer I am willing to work with. Till my fate arrives I leave you with a song I heard today which brought me back to 2006. It is a song which gave me the courage to do "The Art of Being". So let's just say its timing today was impeccable as I am once again "Staring at the blank page before me." "Today is where your book begins. The rest is still unwritten." May you have the courage to write your OWN story even when fear comes knocking on your door forcing its story upon you. May you "Break tradition. Have your tries be outside the line and make mistakes!" May you "FAIL" and follow that failure's detoured road to the life of your dreams!

The Magic in Believing!

Once upon a time in a land far far away, okay more like almost ten years ago, I was such an insecure people pleaser that I decided to follow the signs and start attending al anon meetings. One of which was always dealing with stomach aches. Our bodies are so wise IF we listen. My relationship at the time like most of my past ones consisted of me being the care taker of someone with the disease of alcholism. I was unbeknowst to me at the time following a pattern. Tired of the two am calls to go pick him up plastered to the window of his car and a final hospital visit I decided to ask him to move out and start a new journey. One the universe was urging to embark on!

Once a broken girl, shy and insecure for all the wrong reasons, I look at myself now and realize that there is magic in believing. Believing in the feeling your sixth sense provides you with. That certain feeling that if you just listen to yourself and no one else, meaning you trust, your gut instinct and not others ideas, the magic will reveal itself in the most magical of ways. ;-) In almost ten years I have worked my program as best as I can one day at a time along with four years of intense therapy and grief counseling. I have learned that my life is about progress not perfection and that I must try as best as I can to mean what I say, say what I mean and not say it meanly. Gifts being present in my recovery have brought me.

I am happy to report that in January I will have my tenth al anon birthday and next month I will be a blessed thirty-five! This caused me to reflect on the woman I have become in those past ten years. I am so not who I was and yet my essence is still there. I am no longer nice because I am afraid of not being liked. I am nice because it is who I am and yet I the same time I am so okay with standing up for myself and having people think I am not nice. "People see the world as they are not as it is" and in that saying my truth is clearly expressed. In order to get people to take your side sometimes we make others what we want (our perception) to win. Have I done it? Uh yeah I'm human. Have I stopped? I would hope so. I do know that any attempt of such behavior is a sign that I must look within and see what inside of me is feeling insecure in order to throw someone I love or care for under the bus. It's hard I tell you but keeping my ego in check is important to me. It's about remembering that I wouldn't want that done to me so why would I do it? It's about a rule very important to me, do unto others as you would want done unto you. If I remember that when I am in anger I can take the time to walk away and heal. Return to the situation when I can come at it with love yet still take care of myself. Knowing that I have to take care of myself is huge! Key word I!! Not something you learn being the youngest of seven. Too much going on at home. ;-)

So here I am on the cusp of a major breakthrough and the forces that have made their way into my magic before have returned in the form of the spoken word commonly known as gossip. When I first started al alon and I learned I could take care of myself I would say to people, "I don't gossip", "I don't like gossip", or "Please don't gossip around me." I worked on this with my sponsor as it was not a very kind thing to say to others as it is accusatory. Since life is subjective it means that what I view as gossip to others can be simple communication. I grew up with that kind of communication and I believe it was that which forced me, unknowingly at the time, to push so hard to be an individual. To not be enmeshed in a cultural or family identity. To honor both but to be ME. I know what some people see when they see me. I can sense it and I can hear it. Some people aren't aware I speak Spanish so I over hear it and some have flat out said to me "I bet you spend all day in front of the mirror fixing your hair."

Well the truth is when I was young I was told to stop looking in the mirror because I was so ugly so why bother. It stayed with me and gladly combined with therapy and al anon made me who I am today. I am proud of myself. I am. I know where I was, what I was taught to believe and what I have come to believe. People can say what they want to say and they will. I can't stop anyone from gossiping about or to me but what I can do is not only consider the source but stay out of it. Most times like it is happening now people provide me with information to prevent me from being hurt. One that stayed with me when I was up for the GLAMOUR/Toyota award was "What are we going to do with her when she doesn't win?" or "He said you are never going to win the other girl is an EMT you merely did a play." Back then I struggled big time. This time around it takes me out of believing for about an hour and I am back connected to my God source, gut.

The same one that allowed me to feel the fear and do it anyway, pack my bags and move to Monterrey at sixteen to be in a pop group. The same group that made my sister in law famous. She's going to kill me but you have to see this. She's singing lead vocals in the yellow. ;-) Sing Anabella!! She will always hold a special place in my heart as we share the dreamer soul. A dream she left behind to marry and raise a family so for her and others I carry the light. Most of all I have immense gratitude for the beautiful nephews she's gifted me!


The gossip ensued. How could my mom let me go at such a young age? How irresponsible! What was I thinking? Wait what was she thinking? Now I can clearly answer that for you, she was thinking that once upon a time she had dreams too, which she never saw become a reality. Just typing that breaks my heart. I remember one of my brothers having really harsh words to say about my choice but they aren't worth repeating. It's the past. I was too young to even remotely get that all those words being spoken weren't because they didn't believe in me. It was that they didn't believe in the idea that LIFE IS MAGICAL. It happened again when I packed my bags and moved to Mexico City at seventeen to go to Fine Arts school. Yet again when I packed my bags and moved to Los Angeles at nineteen instead of going to my classes at UTEP where I had enrolled.

People's opinions of others is a form of communication often labeled as gossip. What you do, how it affects others and why you do it is something only you can understand. At least that is the case for me. So as I sit and simmer in all the words being communicated to me either purposely to warn me or by mere accident, wish I believed in accidents, ;-) I have to do what life has taught me to do, trust myself. Just like I did when I was warned that I shouldn't believe I would win the Toyota award or Coelho competition. Thank God I kept believing regardless as I manifested winning my car. ;-) According to others at the time it was too risky to have that much faith yet everything in me kept telling me to hold on both times and believe me I struggled in way I don't now. Then I believed magic awaited me and now not only do I believe but I trust and know. It'd be silly not to after all I have lived. What I am doing different this time is I am not sharing anything with anyone. All their dispened advice in the form of gossip is based on speculation which by the way could be way off but that is what assuming does, create other's idea of your reality. (May I suggest the Four Agreements. I read it when I was twenty-one and time for re read.)

I know my reality. I know where the signs are pointing and I am not going to let other's fears take the magic out of my life. I can't. Few things scare me like the thought of not following my heart and therefore missing out on MY DESTINY! I believe in fairytales balanced with life on life's terms. I believe magic as much as I believe in doing the hard work to create that magic whether it be creative or self improvement work. I know this time around what exercising my faith and courage muscle has taught me, that NO ONE HOLDS MY DESTINY IN THEIR HANDS. In this case their words. ;-) That life is too short to live for others!!! That sending them love so they can spend more time on conjuring up magic in their own lives instead of trying to disspell the one in mine is what I need to do.

I paid a visit to Neil yesterday and we talked about so much. He knows my dad now so I choose to believe. He knows the pain of my past like few do and he knows what I need now. I believe he combined with all my other angels on the other side are creating this insanely beautiful story I am watching unfold before my eyes, which is as Ms. Swift put it "Enchanting", no matter what it looks like to anyone. As I left his new home I looked up and saw him smile at me in the most magical of ways. Take a look. I had to capture the moment.


I believe in magic because there is MAGIC IN BELIEVING! Most of all because I am going to die. Knowing that each day is a gift so I work hard everyday to stay open to the gifts of the present while trusting that I am worthy because I am a unique creation of God intended to live this life as only I can. Living a story written in the stars just for me unfolding magically before my eyes! Gracias Papa por encontrar una manera de darme lo que tu no pudiste! GRACIAS!!! Stay tuned folks....this year which started out with the death of my father is going to end with a rebirth unlike any other I've had and trust me when I say GLAMOUR and ROME were magical! Yet again this rebirth is the kind, which Hellen Keller might have felt when she sensed that, "the most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart." I feel you.

As I got into my car today making my way home to type these words, which were pouring out of me I heard a song I've been hearing a lot all year and I smiled. I smiled at the way in which God and the universe where asking me not to mind the words of others. I am a small town girl, Brownsville to be exact, but most of all I am a unique creation of GOD worthy of great things and I will never stop believing. My prayer for you is that you are able to sense what a gift you are and allow your faith to make you believe in yourself and your story therefore creating A MAGICAL LIFE! I encourage you to follow your heart and if in the process you are detoured from the road you envisioned I guarantee you that you will be so happy you tried which gives you a much better feeling than the regret that comes with the I should have. DON'T STOP BELIEVING! HOLD ON TO THE FEELING!

P.S. You may want to check out "The Magic in Believing" by Claude M. Bristol especially for those days doubt is really trying to be your bestie!

Twenty-one hundred days of destiny were set aside so I could see this day and I thank God.

That pretty much sums up October 7, 2011 for me and the twenty-one hundred days of destiny that were set aside to see it come to fruition. Almost six years meaning the time since I decided to leave Hollywood's rules of how things had to play out and branch out on my own. Many signs came yesterday of what is unfolding before my eyes including what you read above and this, "Your horoscope for October 7, 2011- Remember that there is a divine force out there in the universe that always loves you, Adriana. No matter what you do, there is always a shoulder to cry on, even if it is not a tangible one. Even in your darkest moments, you are never alone. Let this knowledge carry you through your day today, and feel free to share it with those who seem like they could use a lift." I really was in awe of both and just when I thought communication from God and the universe could not be more clear I was stopped at a light behind a car whose bumper sticker read "Everything is as it should be." One of my favorite sayings and something I have reminded myself often of these past twenty-one hundred days and certainly these past two years.

Yesterday was the day we were finally able to go live with the trailer for Bearing Fruit. A big day for me as I am so proud of what we accomplished! On a personal level it was also the day that I dealt with the attacks of my work and character based on false accusations and had to stand up for myself by providing paperwork. As my mom reminded me on the phone yesterday morning, "You've done your part the rest is in God's hands." That my friends is why I can rest assured that all will be taken care of. After I mass emailed as many friends and colleagues as my email account would allow to share our accomplishment I was spent. Between the setting up of the Kickstarter page and the making sure my certified packages with documents had arrived my body shut down on me and that is when the biggest sign of all showed up.

I turned on the tv and gave myself permission to rest. Yes I still struggle with that. As I channel surfed I came across the final sign that indeed all is as it should be and that this is a BREAKTHROUGH once again that is in my best interest. Invictus was on HBO. One of my favorite movies which includes these amazing words.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Those words are so extremely powerful and when you watch the film you can't help but be amazed of the power of the human spirit. Nine thousand days was how many days Mandela spent in prison and he is a testament to what can happen when you chose the light. A light I believe all of us carry within which allows us not to become a victim of circumstance. If anyone is an example of what it is possible to overcome it's him. I do not dare compare my journey to his but I also will not regard it as less simply as different. Both have challenges and circumstances that we have faced just like you are facing right now. The following song has stayed with me as in its lyrics lies immense hope, faith, courage and possibility. Listen.


So as I lay on the couch resting from the twenty-one hundred days that led to finally bearing the fruit of my labor I thanked God for showing me in so many ways in one day that I am indeed the master of my fate, the captain of my soul. I cried a lot because I am not used to having my character attacked to such an extent and have never had to stand up in this particular way but I knew and trusted that it is indeed all leading me somewhere. I know its happening to guide me to something better! Leading me to my purpose. I began to reminisce.

I thought of what I felt when I first began my company. Of the love I found not only in my own work but in the eyes of my then mentor. I thought of how years later we'd cross paths at his bestfriend's funeral and not speak a word to each other. I thought of how my ex boyfriend eventually loathed all he loved about me and how that led to me taking off to Austin for Valentine's instead of Santa Barbara with him as he broke up with me. I took a book with me called The Witch of Portobello and went on to portray that witch in my second production. I thought of how that led to me walking the red carpet in Rome with my favorite author. I realized how that led to me having the courage to say yes when I heard "It's time to do a feature film." How when doubt tried to befriend it made it easier to not accept its friendship thanks to all I have lived.

I also thought a lot about the last and frankly only time I spoke with my father since I was seven. I thought about his words to me, "I am so proud of you" and then I thought about what happened on set this time. As I have said before the experience of emotions my life has provided me with in the last year is something no teacher or acting school could provide. It is something I believe only the school of life could further proving I went to bear fruit right on time. At the end of the day at the end of one scene I got sentimental looking at Ruben who plays my dad. He happens to physically remind me of my father. As we took our places to commence another take my eyes began to well up. The scene called for my father to sweetly ask me if I was certain of what I was doing to which I replied I wasn't a kid and we walked our way off set laughing.

I could have never predicted what would happen on our third take. He looked me in the eyes put his arms around me and I could no longer hold it in. The tears came pouring out and unable to say my lines he held me close and tight as I wept and in the most MAGICAL of ways he held my face in his hands and uttered the words "I so am proud of you" which only made me cry more. He then picked my face up again and said "Te Quiero." It's hard to explain but even as I am typing I am balling my eyes out because I knew what was happening. My dad was there. He was telling me what he never could face to face and he chose the perfect moment to look into my eyes and say it. It makes perfect sense to me and someday I will release the raw footage.

Reminiscing about all this brought truth to the words in the song above. Except for me it's twenty-one hundred days that were set aside of destiny so I could see this day. You should see where this is leading. Wish I could tell you but it would ruin the surprise. What I do want to share is that I have amazing friends, colleagues, and family! The outpouring of support to help me keep this dream alive is astounding and that is why I am GRATEFUL the Investor went back on his word that fateful day in January the week my father passed. Thanks to his inability to be his word and proceed with the film I got you. All of you. I got to share this journey with you, get to know you and all of us together got to become a stronger community in oh so many ways. Some of you held me up after Neil and my dad's death. Some of you held me up to help me bear fruit once again when I was ready and some of you are doing it now by supporting the fruit of my labor. Words can not express my gratitude! I am grateful for my twenty-one hundred days as the boss at Adriana Garza Productions. ;-) I am grateful for the ride and most of all I am grateful that I did not let the circumstance matter. I am grateful that I believed the circumstance brought me you. With immense gratitude I present to you the fruit of OUR labor.

Any donation towards helping us bear the mother of all fruits is greatly appreciated.

We did it! We FREAKING did it!

Today was supposed to be the day we went live with the Bearing Fruit trailer version one. Sadly it did not happen because the website that is exclusively going to host our trailer has a longer procedure than we anticipated. That doesn't mean this took the feeling away from me that YES, WE FREAKING DID IT!!! I don't curse. Okay more like I rarely curse mostly because it doesn't come organically to me but also because I have nine stunning souls known as my niece and nephews and one precious angel named Zoey who I have chosen to be an example for and who are constantly on Facebook watching my every move. ;-) I don't ever feel the need to curse and especially not in front of them but I have to be honest when we I saw the rough cut of the trailer all I could think of was WE F****** DID IT! I did think that and it came out my mouth along with oh my F****** God. Forgive me father for I am human. I am kidding of course. My creator created me and therefore knows me and my sense of humor but you may not. ;-)

I seriously can not wait to go live online with our work. Some may see it and believe it was produced overnight, almost. Ten pre-production days, three shoot days and one week of post. Well overnight, rushed, quickly or any other word to describe this fruition is far from truth. It's more like two years and two months! Yup that is how long I have been at this. As a matter of fact our script reviser told me someone mentioned the project to her recently saying they were still wanting to be considered for it and commented about me still trying to Bear Fruit. ;-) I had said to Danielle recently that I would accept if this was not God's will for me and know to walk away but that didn't mean it wouldn't hurt. Even as I uttered those words I knew it wasn't going to be the case. She didn't think so either no matter what we saw at the time. For me a lot lies in the unseen which only your gut tells you of. One thing I did know for sure was how much my faith in God has and continues to grow.

John Rincon, the writer, and I met at Austin Java in July of 2009. I remember it like it was yesterday. He was rushing back to Austin from Corpus Christi for our meeting. We had spoken a few times and I was blown away by his concept so much that I was anxiously awaiting his arrival. This man held in his being a unique story idea that showcased Latinos in the lead roles with a story line that has never been done before. As a matter of fact the few industry friends who previewed the trailer were quick to mention that it had never been done before. We spoke and when I left I was clear on one thing, the crossing of our paths was a universal conspiracy under God's guidance. No coincidence! I asked him to please have a first draft of his screenplay to me by January of 2010. Of course after that all the logistics of optioning a screenplay took place with lawyers involved etc. and the journey began.

To be honest I lost count of drafts. I truly did. One of the biggest lessons working on something like this brings is that in order to bring it to fruition you have to learn the Art of Compromising. It does not mean that you should sit back and not speak your heart but for me at least it means learn which battles are most important and fight those. Like I told Randy, our director, last night "This is not about whose right or not. It's about what is creatively best for the film." I have to remind myself that because when you have the writer, the director and the producer collaborating as much as we do you will butt heads. The greatest thing is knowing when to LET GO! There are things I won't compromise on like morals, ethics, and values. All things that are very important for me to have be the foundation of this and any production I do. On and off set everyone is equal we all just happen to hold different job titles. Sometimes this can get me in trouble as people can try to take advantage. Being in a team has also taught me to speak up and stand my ground when something is blatantly not right. A situation that rarely happened with this current production.

We have all been blessed to have been chosen to bring Bearing Fruit to fruition and to choose it back. It has been quite the ride. Countless changes, casting sessions, a few directors, a few co-producers etc. and in the end one year after we started casting Randy, John and I were left standing. We've seen the Investors come and go. We've seen people get credit for something they didn't really do and we've seen egos fear appear. Yet we've managed to handle it all with grace. Well I'd like to think we have. At least I try to. I've made mistakes and learned from them. I've seen others make mistakes and learn from them. Most of all I've seen exactly what can be born of a faith so deep no one can understand it but me.

I know this is my calling. I know that my gut aka God compass guides me to where I am meant to be in this existence to better serve my purpose and humanity. This story will have people talking as it is far from black and white. It will hopefully open their minds and make them realize that we are no one to judge any one's choices. That we don't walk in someone else's shoes therefore could never truly know the why to their choices. I believe this story will do something that film featuring a minority cast rarely does. Tell a story that anyone of any ethnic background can identify with. It will make race, sexuality and any other label be the secondary story line. It is about humanity, its complexity and how everything no matter how harsh it may feel sometimes is definitely leading us somewhere and to our purpose. It's about one woman's journey to discover her voice. It's about a journey we all as humans endure. A realization that our voice counts and when we silence it we learn the biggest lessons of all.

The time has come to share with the world a possibility of what we can bear. If this is what we can do with one hundred and fifty dollars, ten days of pre-production, three days of shooting and one week of post, can you imagine what we can do with a budget?!! I am proud actually beyond proud of all of us. We did something that is rarely heard of. This morning for the first time I think ever I acknowledged myself for my accomplishment. Weird since its been six years almost since my indie production company launched and this is the first time I told myself You F****** did it!!! All of the sudden it came to me, "Be proud of yourself and your courage. Most of all of the miracle your faith created and of your ability to follow the signs!" I smiled because I can acknowledge others well but I am not one to say YOU ROCK but you know what I do and I F****** DID IT. I do rock not only for having faith in myself and the project but in the fact that all the angels I needed would fly in right on time and they did!!! Boy did they.

There was no contribution too small. Without everyone involved there would be no trailer. Maybe a flip video of me and Michael acting out the scenes while Randy directs us but definitely no trailer. ;-) So with that in mind I acknowledge EVERYONE involved in the Bearing Fruit Trailer shoot. Whether you referred me to someone or actively participated I THANK YOU!! I honor your ability to show up and be of service and provide us with your ART. From DP to Actors you gave us your talent free of charge all to help us keep the dream alive. YOU ARE MY ANGEL!!! There comes a moment when everything inside you tells you your life is about to change in the best of ways. In my case yet again! Your gut and the signs guide you through the unknown to the destination. I am about to arrive somewhere that will exceed my dreams. I know it. I just do. How do I know? I've done the work, learned my worth, and opened my heart to the endless possibilities most of all followed my heart guided by faith and love (God). As I head to my destination, which could have only been reached by these constant detours I endured including loss of loved ones and friendships ending, I acknowledge you. The man or woman who came into my life and guided me when I needed it most. You did this with me and there are no words to express my gratitude. Honestly all I can think of now is WE FUCKING DID IT! Victory dance time!!!