Giving her the gift of fighting her own battles.

Three years ago this month God and the universe let their plans of crossing my paths with one very lovely eleven year old finally unfold before my eyes after close to a year of waiting for a match. She had just applied the week before to be a little sister. I had longed for children of my own for as long as I can recall and while that universal conspiracy had not manifested itself yet, then or now, I did what felt right to my heart at the time and decided to mentor a child through Big Brother Big Sister. These children usually come from a one parent household. Something I could identify with. I've always been told how special what I do is and I am quick to let people know that what they believe I do for her she has also done for me. I believe we crossed paths when both of us needed it most and when we could be healers for eachother as love, in my humble opinion, is more grand when it's two way street in this particular situation.

She has been one of my greatest teachers in these three years, which have flown by! I have seen her go from being a Taylor Swift loving eleven year old to a Katy Perry imitating fourteen year old, colored hair and all. I have such beautiful memories of all the fun we've lived. From Disneyland on her birthday to visting Santa to spending our Saturday nights doing this and no I am not ashamed! ;-) Quite the opposite! I am grateful I have someone who I can completely be myself with! It was afterall my idea.


One of my most treasured memories is one which showcases the capacity of the human heart and its ability to love even after all she has faced at such a young age. While riding in the car through Hollywood back in the day when Taylor Swift was allowed to be heard through the speakers I began to cry as White Horse came on. When she questioned my tears I told of her of a recent love lost who had found his way into a union which was with someone else although I thought it'd be me. I honestly and openly explained to her all that came with it. When we got out of the car she came over looked me in the eyes and said someone needs a hug as she held me tight. It is in moment like that when I clearly see God's plan for this fatherless child and her motherless little sister. It's in knowing that we have eachother's back that I find great comfort to endure all we both have. She was able to hold my hand as I dealt with the passing of Neil and three months later my father and recently I held her hand through a very dark period. A moment where sadly she questioned where home was for her.

It is in moments like that when I come to understand that the hardest job in the world is indeed the one that doesn't pay, requires work around the clock, and the ability to trust and let go constantly! It is the one that teaches you how to be brave in the depth of uncertainity of what the future holds for someone you care for deeply. Someone you helped create and bring into existence. However these past three years have taught me that I did not need to be present at her arrival on planet Earth to know to the love of a parent for a child. If I can love this much I often wonder how I will be with my own children. I am grateful to have had the gift of a run through! To my mother, all single parents and all parents I commend you for choosing to guide a life in this existence and hopefully learning when to let go, even if it's a struggle like it is for me.

The current journey consists of me having to let go and giving her the gift of fighting her own battles. Trusting that like me she is being guided by that same unseen force I choose to call God and its angels I choose to call the magic of the universe. I have to trust that despite all she has lived at such a young age she will make her way to them. To being able to trust in the unseen, which loves her and wants what is best for her. That she will make her way back to love. Back home no matter how much she questions the existence of such a place.

Part of what helps us both grow is that we see the world so differently! How different our questions are and how in that we can help eachother grow. I must admit as someone who loves her deeply I secretly or not so secretly anymore hope she grows my way towards the light. Although I have complete understanding that unconditional love means I must accept her no matter what direction she grows in. I highly doubt I'll follow though as dark eyeliner and orange hair doesn't go with my complexion. ;-) Ahhhh the growing pains of a teenager. In them I have found immense grtatitude for my mom and have called more than once with an apology for all the pain I may have unknowningly caused and all the times I may have broken her heart. She reassures me it's part of being a part and while it may not be easy it just is. Thoughts of the times my angel has broken my heart surface and I realize that yes it is part of having the hardest job in the world.

Letting her go means I trust that my example through my actions and words but more importantly actions have shown her what she needs to see but that she must soldier on becoming Zoey. That she will pick what is best for her and leave the rest behind. This is where trust has to come in for me. It does eventually. After I make all the calls I can I surrender control of the outcome to God. I show up be of service to her by guiding and then I let go. Wish me luck with my own kids. I understand you so much better know mom and I gather that understanding will continue to grow.

Precious angel I come to you with gratitude for teaching me the capacity of the human heart's ability to love beyond what I already knew! For allowing me into your heart when life's experience had left you less than enthusiatic to do so. You know something beautiful girl. I believe that miles and miles away from our home planet Earth and perhaps beyond the stars God, the universe and your angel were conspiring to cross our paths! They knew exactly when we both would need it most and there we found ourselves at the headquarters office beginning a bond nothing can break. I know life on life's terms has you questioning where home is. I can't tell you where you should find it but I can promise you it's where your heart is. You are in mine always and I can only hope you carry me in yours. You are always welcome home! I love you, JUST AS YOU ARE! Thank you for affording me the same!

When you are ready the universe will conspire and cross your path with his. I promise. The details are in the fabric of your life being woven by God and the universe.