Once a broken girl, shy and insecure for all the wrong reasons, I look at myself now and realize that there is magic in believing. Believing in the feeling your sixth sense provides you with. That certain feeling that if you just listen to yourself and no one else, meaning you trust, your gut instinct and not others ideas, the magic will reveal itself in the most magical of ways. ;-) In almost ten years I have worked my program as best as I can one day at a time along with four years of intense therapy and grief counseling. I have learned that my life is about progress not perfection and that I must try as best as I can to mean what I say, say what I mean and not say it meanly. Gifts being present in my recovery have brought me.
I am happy to report that in January I will have my tenth al anon birthday and next month I will be a blessed thirty-five! This caused me to reflect on the woman I have become in those past ten years. I am so not who I was and yet my essence is still there. I am no longer nice because I am afraid of not being liked. I am nice because it is who I am and yet I the same time I am so okay with standing up for myself and having people think I am not nice. "People see the world as they are not as it is" and in that saying my truth is clearly expressed. In order to get people to take your side sometimes we make others what we want (our perception) to win. Have I done it? Uh yeah I'm human. Have I stopped? I would hope so. I do know that any attempt of such behavior is a sign that I must look within and see what inside of me is feeling insecure in order to throw someone I love or care for under the bus. It's hard I tell you but keeping my ego in check is important to me. It's about remembering that I wouldn't want that done to me so why would I do it? It's about a rule very important to me, do unto others as you would want done unto you. If I remember that when I am in anger I can take the time to walk away and heal. Return to the situation when I can come at it with love yet still take care of myself. Knowing that I have to take care of myself is huge! Key word I!! Not something you learn being the youngest of seven. Too much going on at home. ;-)
So here I am on the cusp of a major breakthrough and the forces that have made their way into my magic before have returned in the form of the spoken word commonly known as gossip. When I first started al alon and I learned I could take care of myself I would say to people, "I don't gossip", "I don't like gossip", or "Please don't gossip around me." I worked on this with my sponsor as it was not a very kind thing to say to others as it is accusatory. Since life is subjective it means that what I view as gossip to others can be simple communication. I grew up with that kind of communication and I believe it was that which forced me, unknowingly at the time, to push so hard to be an individual. To not be enmeshed in a cultural or family identity. To honor both but to be ME. I know what some people see when they see me. I can sense it and I can hear it. Some people aren't aware I speak Spanish so I over hear it and some have flat out said to me "I bet you spend all day in front of the mirror fixing your hair."
Well the truth is when I was young I was told to stop looking in the mirror because I was so ugly so why bother. It stayed with me and gladly combined with therapy and al anon made me who I am today. I am proud of myself. I am. I know where I was, what I was taught to believe and what I have come to believe. People can say what they want to say and they will. I can't stop anyone from gossiping about or to me but what I can do is not only consider the source but stay out of it. Most times like it is happening now people provide me with information to prevent me from being hurt. One that stayed with me when I was up for the GLAMOUR/Toyota award was "What are we going to do with her when she doesn't win?" or "He said you are never going to win the other girl is an EMT you merely did a play." Back then I struggled big time. This time around it takes me out of believing for about an hour and I am back connected to my God source, gut.
The same one that allowed me to feel the fear and do it anyway, pack my bags and move to Monterrey at sixteen to be in a pop group. The same group that made my sister in law famous. She's going to kill me but you have to see this. She's singing lead vocals in the yellow. ;-) Sing Anabella!! She will always hold a special place in my heart as we share the dreamer soul. A dream she left behind to marry and raise a family so for her and others I carry the light. Most of all I have immense gratitude for the beautiful nephews she's gifted me!
The gossip ensued. How could my mom let me go at such a young age? How irresponsible! What was I thinking? Wait what was she thinking? Now I can clearly answer that for you, she was thinking that once upon a time she had dreams too, which she never saw become a reality. Just typing that breaks my heart. I remember one of my brothers having really harsh words to say about my choice but they aren't worth repeating. It's the past. I was too young to even remotely get that all those words being spoken weren't because they didn't believe in me. It was that they didn't believe in the idea that LIFE IS MAGICAL. It happened again when I packed my bags and moved to Mexico City at seventeen to go to Fine Arts school. Yet again when I packed my bags and moved to Los Angeles at nineteen instead of going to my classes at UTEP where I had enrolled.
People's opinions of others is a form of communication often labeled as gossip. What you do, how it affects others and why you do it is something only you can understand. At least that is the case for me. So as I sit and simmer in all the words being communicated to me either purposely to warn me or by mere accident, wish I believed in accidents, ;-) I have to do what life has taught me to do, trust myself. Just like I did when I was warned that I shouldn't believe I would win the Toyota award or Coelho competition. Thank God I kept believing regardless as I manifested winning my car. ;-) According to others at the time it was too risky to have that much faith yet everything in me kept telling me to hold on both times and believe me I struggled in way I don't now. Then I believed magic awaited me and now not only do I believe but I trust and know. It'd be silly not to after all I have lived. What I am doing different this time is I am not sharing anything with anyone. All their dispened advice in the form of gossip is based on speculation which by the way could be way off but that is what assuming does, create other's idea of your reality. (May I suggest the Four Agreements. I read it when I was twenty-one and time for re read.)
I know my reality. I know where the signs are pointing and I am not going to let other's fears take the magic out of my life. I can't. Few things scare me like the thought of not following my heart and therefore missing out on MY DESTINY! I believe in fairytales balanced with life on life's terms. I believe magic as much as I believe in doing the hard work to create that magic whether it be creative or self improvement work. I know this time around what exercising my faith and courage muscle has taught me, that NO ONE HOLDS MY DESTINY IN THEIR HANDS. In this case their words. ;-) That life is too short to live for others!!! That sending them love so they can spend more time on conjuring up magic in their own lives instead of trying to disspell the one in mine is what I need to do.
I paid a visit to Neil yesterday and we talked about so much. He knows my dad now so I choose to believe. He knows the pain of my past like few do and he knows what I need now. I believe he combined with all my other angels on the other side are creating this insanely beautiful story I am watching unfold before my eyes, which is as Ms. Swift put it "Enchanting", no matter what it looks like to anyone. As I left his new home I looked up and saw him smile at me in the most magical of ways. Take a look. I had to capture the moment.
I believe in magic because there is MAGIC IN BELIEVING! Most of all because I am going to die. Knowing that each day is a gift so I work hard everyday to stay open to the gifts of the present while trusting that I am worthy because I am a unique creation of God intended to live this life as only I can. Living a story written in the stars just for me unfolding magically before my eyes! Gracias Papa por encontrar una manera de darme lo que tu no pudiste! GRACIAS!!! Stay tuned folks....this year which started out with the death of my father is going to end with a rebirth unlike any other I've had and trust me when I say GLAMOUR and ROME were magical! Yet again this rebirth is the kind, which Hellen Keller might have felt when she sensed that, "the most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart." I feel you.
As I got into my car today making my way home to type these words, which were pouring out of me I heard a song I've been hearing a lot all year and I smiled. I smiled at the way in which God and the universe where asking me not to mind the words of others. I am a small town girl, Brownsville to be exact, but most of all I am a unique creation of GOD worthy of great things and I will never stop believing. My prayer for you is that you are able to sense what a gift you are and allow your faith to make you believe in yourself and your story therefore creating A MAGICAL LIFE! I encourage you to follow your heart and if in the process you are detoured from the road you envisioned I guarantee you that you will be so happy you tried which gives you a much better feeling than the regret that comes with the I should have. DON'T STOP BELIEVING! HOLD ON TO THE FEELING!
P.S. You may want to check out "The Magic in Believing" by Claude M. Bristol especially for those days doubt is really trying to be your bestie!
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