Growing towards the light.

Sometimes inspiration can come from the most unlikely of places and take you back in time to a moment you thought you would never overcome but like everything in life, it came to pass. My ipod played a song today that brought me back to the first time I had to stand up for myself quite aware that when I did the person on the receiving end would not like it. I did not see fit that they charge myself and the actors of my play, who weren't paid to perform, a hefty fee for a copy of our show. The person who was on my creative team presented the service of filming the performance's of the play to me but never mentioned she intended to charge everyone including me two hundred dollars a person for one copy. Wowzers!!! I could have hired someone for much less as that would have been $2,000 for all of us. It was perhaps the first time that I knew I would have to stand up and be okay with not being liked. With being labeled unfair.

The thing about indie producing is that everyone involved usually knows it's about passion not profit. To state otherwise would be well odd since people who want to profit usually go to studio owned production houses which afford you less creative control but the money you are looking to make. What I get out of being indie is the ability to be conscious of what I put out into the world and how I contribute to society! While I like you want to make money from my work as well I choose to let my heart guide me towards it by earning it through my experiences, work, and in due time. I allow what I have sown to reap in season. ;-) Even if while that season arrives I have to deal with some harsh weather I'd rather not in the moment. In due time the season reveals its value, the clouds clear, and the sun reveals itself once again proving it was always there.

Back in the season of 2006 I saw this desire to charge all of us as quite unjust to all of us and they saw it as quite unjust that we wouldn't pay a fee we didn't know about till after all our very personal stories had been captured on film for someone to keep and do as they wish. This experience taught me the importance of knowing what battles to fight. My director wants me to not wear make up as Esperanza in some scenes. Big deal. It serves the story a purpose. He wants me to make her come to life as he envisions her. I hired myself to provide that service. So time to wear the actor hat and take off the make up like I did the first day on the set of Bearing Fruit. Now he comes to me in the ninth hour and says she needs to be naked here because etc. etc. etc. Then I would say no she doesn't. We've been working on this together for over a year. You can't come at me with this and I won't do it. Now he never asked that. It would be odd as it would make no sense but my point being that I have learned which battles I must fight and when I must do it even if the price is being disliked and bad mouthed and of course which ones to let go.

This same person who tried along with her significant other to charge us for copy of our performances also gave an interview to a publication talking about her production. I won't go into lengthy details about how far from her production it was but I will say I learned a lesson the very hard way about whom to trust in this industry and began on the journey of truly not taking on any co-producers and going at it alone. I would say I've been burned more than once, like the co-producer who had necessary equipment for our performances with them and notified me they were on the way to the airport with that equipment and if I didn't drive out to get it I would not have it for our show. Huh? Ethics, morals, values and professionalism are subjective and viewed differently by all of us. Were these people wrong? To them nope and to me yes. For me it became about choices that could prevent me from ending up in situations like this again.

Have I learned? Yes. I used be so afraid of hurting people and always put their well being before mine yet on my current production someone was constantly snapping at me and being passive aggressive. I love that person and they are a dear friend who did so much for me when my dad passed but I got to point where I couldn't take them constantly arguing with me and after we shot the first weekend I let them go. To add to their behavior towards me they also failed to prep all week and contact actors for the last shoot day. Something I was left to do the day prior to our last day of filming. Does all this make them bad and me good? No. It makes us different. Some people know you have to hustle to get things done in life and some people would rather not.

I've said it before to someone and while I hope to never have to again I have learned to never say never. When you are the one who has spent almost six years of your life cold calling companies like SWA to get them to sponsor your work, investing all your money trusting it will all come back as soon as your commercials start to air only to find all three in row will not air therefore loosing residuals and money invested, all while choosing to donate profits of your work's tour to a different non-profit in each city, sacrificing being able to visit family in Mexico, quality of life and many more things all to bring your passion to fruition than you can call my work yours but till that moment happens please respect what I have earned. Nobody handed me anything yet I see people wanting to take credit either for my work or our collaborations and it breaks my heart.

I don't care how much odds are stacked against me I will move forward to fight for what I feel is right based on morals I believe in. For now and my current growth spurt I am banking on God and the universe to show up in the ninth hour and produce magic like they always do with their universal law not the one in the books we humans have produced. I believe that will happen more than ever because Neil and my dad watching are watching over me. As I see it you can cheat me and you can cheat yourself but you can't cheat God and the universe. They know the truth behind your and my interpretation of situations. I find tremendous solace in that thought and all I am facing. I have chosen to stand up once more and carry on even when it appears to others as a waste of time, as time has afforded me the knowledge that what appears is not always what is.

So as my ipod played the following song it all came rushing back.

2006 and all I endured as someone tried to call my work theirs. As everyone around us gossiped about the truth. About how many days and nights I cried about it questioning how it could be happening. I recalled singing at the top of my lungs the lines that hit me the most as I kept running into the Malibu newspaper with her interview claiming my work as hers. "You may think I'm telling lies but I just call it getting it right." I recalled how eventually as I grew towards the light, light was shed on the situation and the truth revealed itself. How years later she called apologizing and asking me if I wanted the footage from all the performances. I told her no that she could keep it. It had all come to pass and after experiencing all that came with her side of the story I no longer needed to hold on to what at one point felt so significant and eventually meant nothing in the big picture and I believe came into my life teach me what I am made of. Most of all it took me towards what I hope to always be able to afford others and myself, forgiveness. After all God and the universe did take care of me. That is the production I won my car for and experienced many beautiful things courtesy of Toyota and GLAMOUR or as I see it, God and the universe. ;-) I always find it fascinating that as a society we focus on success and the destination but not as much exposure is given to all of our journeys and all of stories, afterall there are always two sides to a story.

I learned that while people may sometimes in fear try to rush the outcome in their favor, the outcome that comes with patience and faith is far more rewarding. I know this from personal experience. I have learned the magic that comes from listening to everything inside of you that says, "No don't do anything just yet" and prompts you to move just when all the planets have aligned and the outcome will favor you and your dreams beyond your expectations! So with that thought in mind and all the experiences almost six years of indie producing have brought me I carry on. I may not always keep calm on and carry on but if I can't do that then I keep to myself until I can. No need to act out in anger. I will always abide by do as you want done to you no matter how many times I hear that I should just return what is being done to me. I don't care to become anger. I care to be love when anger approaches. I am no saint and trust me it can be hard but luckily for me if I don't listen to my gut my conscience will remind me all the time!

I will continue to take the long way around even as my ego tries to entice me otherwise. "I fought with a stranger and I met myself. I opened my mouth and I hurt myself. It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself. Guess I could of made it easier on myself but I could never follow. If you ever want to find me I can still be found taking the long way."


What I have seen the most this past week is the growth one experiences when growing towards the light. I cried for half a day on the couch while watching Elizabeth the Golden Age, then got up took a walk and gathered strength to keep calm and carry on. I prepared to take care of me and my team and I keep walking forward no matter what anyone thinks or interprets. This too shall pass and it has come into my life for a reason and I trust someday as I grow through it I will live way into that reason. Till that day comes I choose to stay present in today, the gift it is and the blessings of a little flashback courtesy of my ipod. Trusting that no one is cut and dry right or wrong that we are all entitled to our truth but most importantly trusting what I have learned the most, the light will reveal the truth right on time. Not a minute too soon. Till then I leave you with one of my biggest sources of inspiration. I think I'm battling something? Not to take from it but I don't have the eyes of the world on me, the media manipulating my words and the industry turning its back on me. Natalie Maines is such a source of inspiration. It was with great delight that I watched as she accepted all those grammys for the gift the darkness of her journey brought her. May life allow you to trust yourself and know when to stand up and stand strong in your beliefs and when to let go and let God trusting that EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS AS IT SHOULD BE! Dear God this one is for you. Until the light arrives I thank you for being the Easy Silence without silencing my voice. I hear you in the stillness of my heart.