Affirming my way to a miracle.

The time is here yet again. The time when God and the universe test my faith by asking me to be still and do nothing. For me this is the hardest part of my journey. It seems that when I work, work, work I have an illusion of control and yes while I may be able to control the task at hand within reach it's truly the big picture that is out of my control. As you have read I tend to know where I am headed because I follow signs. A skill I have developed by tuning into my intuition and listening to it as best as I can. Somedays, happy to report very rare days, my intuition can be silenced by rumblings of the committee, i.e. all the voices of negativity spoken to me by others through out the years compiled into one big loud obnoxious voice. It tends to make itself present in moments of silence when I have done all I can and the only thing left to do is as my favorite philosopher suggested, "Adopt the pace of nature. Her secret is patience." RW Emerson.

So here I am patiently awaiting my destiny. Knowing that I have done all I can to arrive at the destination I had hoped for while trusting that wherever it is I am being detoured to is going to be much better than I envisioned. If I was to judge this by sight and not faith I would say odds were stacked against me but anyone who knows me knows I don't believe in what I see I believe in what my hearts speaks of to me in this silence I am currently being asked to be present in. I awoke wanting to take control by doing just one more thing to help things land in the palm of my hand. I said "You know God just one more push to know I tried everything." Then I laughed at myself and God laughed with me because we both knew it wasn't one more push to know I did everything I could, it was one more push to control what is currently not in my hands, the outcome of over two years of insanely hard dedicated work.

So when the committee appeared assuring me of all that could go wrong I made a decision in that moment to affirm my way to a miracle. I know I've co-produced them with God many a times but this one folks, this one is going to have to be HUGE. Further more reason to partner with God instead of those whose choices based and made out of fear led them to believe they could control what they can't. Among those things, me. I'm sad. I am. I am never afraid of expressing emotion because for me that is the only way to make it thru it instead of going around it pretending nothing is wrong and then having it get me later when I least expect it. I am facing my sadness now. I am accepting that we are all on different journeys and that sometimes people I care for whom I've worked hard with will choose to walk with fear instead of love. Something I can do nothing about. All I can do is continue to be me and do what feels right to me.

So here I am doing what my heart and gut ask of me today. Nothing. I've done all I can for over TWO years. I've followed every sign I could since our paths crossed and it was a story in an imagination. I guided it into being put on paper and honed it along with many talented people into what it is today. I took several trips to Austin. Took several meetings in Los Angeles and Austin, secured locations in both cities, and the list is endless. Most importantly is knowing that God and the universe know of all my efforts and nothing else needs to be proven to anyone. Magic comes from the unseen by others things we do everyday. Amazing people chose to work free of charge on this with me from casting to directing all in hopes of bringing something magical to fruition and just as the ninth hour approaches I was asked to share control and all my work not to my idea of God but to another human. I couldn't. Maybe in the process I've shot myself in the foot but I can't do that which goes against every word I have worked so hard to become. I don't speak of what I hope to become someday and have my actions oppose those words. I speak of what I am and therefore I become it.

I am a woman in love with life and EVERY detour God has presented before me, which has allowed my faith in this magical unexplainable, unseen force to grow. I have no proof other than my life, existence and all the magic I have been blessed to LIVE which was born of this faith. Yet to me that is so much PROOF of this unseen force being my guide. I don't have a problem sharing control when it happens organically but when it is being requested of me and the force behind it is fear there is no way I can do it. I can't affirm my way to a miracle by allowing fear to befriend me, holding its hand and allowing it to take all of us working on this into the destruction that comes from our time not God's time. That is what I feel happens when I don't surrender control to God and instead hold fear's hand down a path of my time where the magic isn't present. I won't do it! I simply can not do it especially when fear attacked me and my work in the process to get its way further pushing me away. When are you going to get it? You can't control me silly, ultimately you make me stronger so wait I should thank you for making an appearance yet again.

I will choose what I am being asked to do right now, be still, simply because this has become my way of life. I expect NO ONE to understand it or embrace it but I also will allow NO ONE to get in the way of my miracle. I will detach with love. I will go on with love and I will send love to anyone who tries to dispell the magic of my journey. I am not here to do as I am asked by others living in fear. I am here to do what is asked of me grounded in LOVE. While my sadness is based on fear embodying someone I care for and allowing them to treat me disrespectfully I will still come from love because I have seen its face. It's astounding the face of love, the grace of God. It's there wanting to be seen by you and me. It's as powerful as the face of fear yet a lot more rewarding. I've been affirming miracles in many areas of my life as my thirty-fifth year on planet Earth approaches and I can SENSE the gifts bestowed on that day, prior to and after will be born of this affirmation, I AM WORTHY! SO ARE YOU! May you allow the face of love to guide you in this sometimes inexplicable yet insanely beautiful gift called the PRESENT!

"In silence I feared my heart would remain words unheard." I have been proven wrong and I am grateful! I found the light and it found me. We are loved.