Stumbling towards forgiveness.

I have been catapulted into some major growth recently and I can't stop expressing all that I am growing through as I stumble my way to forgiveness. I say stumble because what I am experiencing while I may have been in familiar territory before is yet still unlike anything else. I live in the moment and in this moment I have more love, compassion, and faith than I did before when similar scenarios arrived with lessons of growth to bestow upon me. That said I am still a human being who tries everyday as best as I can to be a human loving. It's definitely being tested right now but everyone who has had to be involved in the current growth spurt reassures me I am being love. It's tricky when people perceive otherwise and try to work things to their advantage from that angle because for a few minutes I actually contemplate their words turn to Bev and say maybe I am a horrible person. Luckily her look said it all and in her words she reassured me otherwise affirming what my heart tells me, that to those who don't get what they want from me, sadly I will be a horrible person.

Sadness, that is what is coming up for me the most right now as I follow paper trails in our defense. That is not at all what I thought I'd be doing right now but if I want to proceed with what I believe to be fair and earned I must come up with the proof of that earned fairness. That's a lot of emails. Years worth. Thank God I don't delete my sent box. I never thought I'd say those words. I am most grateful for my outbox capacity to hold over 10,000 emails. Yikes. It's not the first time this month I've had to defend my truth. Actually the second time I am following paper trails. I'd rather be outside flying paper airplanes but God is asking of me otherwise. I do believe,everything, even this is in God's plan. I would know nothing of courage, faith and strength if it wasn't. I'd be coasting along with other's beliefs of life, which I was brought up without truly learning to appreciate the art of living and all that comes with it. Without seeing the gift of the present and it is in that knowledge that I find gratitude for the current circumstance which I am not defined by but which will definitely continue to mold me.

While I may stumble towards forgiveness I currently reside, as I always do, in gratitude. Currently gratitude for the inspiration this situation has provided me with. Scroll down. I can't stop writing even if attempts to silence me where made. They actually fueled further expression of my growth in hopes to inspire you to always follow your heart, take action from a place of love and let God (whomever you believe in) handle the rest. It's really hard for me right now because all of this is taking a toll on my body who longs to be hiking or laying on a yoga mat but has been siting upright at my computer, reading, sorting, highlighting and printing for far too long with the exception of one beautiful celebration of love yesterday. ;-) One of my friend's asked is it worth it? A great question because I abide by the "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy question?" in life. I want to be happy and in this particular situation being right comes with it. They are holding hands with the light that guides them backed up by my work.

I stumble not only to towards forgiveness but to express the desire to be right. I continue learning that as woman, I believe in any field not just mine, some people still do not see us as equals but someone who can be talked down to and attacked instead of spoken to while attempting to use my words against me all because I said no to a request I found unfair in the ninth hour. Within me sadness resides along with confusion and I find comfort in the words of women who quite frankly defended what they found just under much harsher circumstances than mine. Queen Elizabeth was trying to be dethroned by assassination but defended what she felt was just and if history books are correct defeated a Spanish Armada, which could have crumbled her and her empire. My favorite scene in that film, Elizabeth the Golden Age, is where she stands at the edge of the cliff much like I do at Runyon, and the winds of change pick up and blow in her favor. In the ninth hour of course. How else could it be labeled magical. ;-)

Natalie Maines defended what she felt was just with the eyes of the world on her while people crushed her cds, posted pictures of her photoshopped with Sadam Hussain and even her home town radio station stopped playing her music all based on the Media manipulating her words and delivering the world their interpretation of it. I watched in awe as it all happened and quite frankly would have loved to be a fly on a wall at the home of any of those people who turned their backs on her as she accepted grammy after grammy after grammy for the light that was born of that darkness titled, The Long Way Around. I highly recommend this documentary on her experience for inspiration. After watching I can't help but affirm what I believe, all is as it should be.


So for me worse case scenario I loose two years worth of a collaboration of work by everyone I have hired but at least I know I stood up for me and every person involved including people who invested their money and their faith in me and my prior work to make it happen. Especially all those who were unpaid including yours truly. I am defending not only our work but our unknown sacrifices grateful that the most important observer, God and the universe, are aware of them. I have moments where I cry and cry and cry while I review documents with the truth in plain text expressed by all parties involved. I don't question God as to why all this happening I simply say thank you for giving me the courage to face it and allow myself to receive it. After all I've taken road trips with the devil/negative energy/fallen angel, whatever you call it, in a foreign country where it tried to consume and persuade me into being far from what I consider myself, a lady. I've never gotten on a train ride faster and rode away from it quicker than I did on that trip through Europe. I've encountered it in the false accusations of the people who tried to take my home of ten years last month and all I had to do was provide a twenty page document that disproved all the accusations they claimed. The truth shed so much light on the situation that the light that radiated from within me was too bright for the president of the company, who had handed such accusations, to be able face me at a meeting. I never quite get why people flat out lie so instead of trying to understand the reasoning behind it I stumble my way to my preferance eventually arriving at the destination called forgiveness.

The truth sheds light in due time, God's time, and shines brighter than the sun. That is where I find comfort right now. In past experiences that seemed insurmountable yet came to pass and all I feared may happen if "lost" never did. Quite the opposite happened and the light brought with it gifts born of a faith so deep no one can understand it but me as the shoes that are worn to endure the path paved to walk on, detours and all, through these challenges where solely worn by me. I find solace in the words of my friends, the gifts of past detours and the strength of my spirit. I do not take credit for my spirit. I was gifted a spirit which has taught me as a human that I am through it connected to something pretty darn powerful I choose to call God. A magical source that finds a way to guide me towards the light even when the darkness is so powerful I have moments of doubt.

I am choosing to carry one because I know what is coming. That which my God compass is telling me of. A light so bright that has been making its way to me for a little over two years, a thousand years, perhaps more or all of the above. ;-) The time is coming for us to let the magic unfold. I will walk towards it and no matter what anything appears like or sounds like until it reveals itself to the world I will stumble towards forgiveness of myself and others as I know the light awaits me there. May you be able to accept the strength the spirit within you carries and embrace it allowing you the courage to carry on till light is shed on your darkness.

Thank you Neil, dad, grandpa and all my angels for giving me the strength to weather this hurricane, which produced a beautiful mess in the process. I know this will come to pass and after the hurricane the light will be shed. See you on my 35th as I trust you are behind the magic that is brewing in this vast universe and will be born that day. I already feel you there present in the gifts of the day. So in advance thank you! Thank you for guiding me into the arms of my home, which was written in the stars and made a reality here on Earth through all I have endured these past couple of years. They are simply breathtaking and definitely exceed my expectations and in this magical conspiracy I see the depth of your love for me. I am humbled by you.