Change is always taking place in my life whether I am aware of it or not. I like to think of it as magic being brewed miles and miles away from here by forces unseen like God, my dad, Neil, grandpa and all who have left Planet Earth. There are many personal reasons as to why I have this sense that things work that way and today on my walk I realized I was ready to share one of those due to all the synchronicity that this current falling of leaves has brought into my life.
One night not long after my father passed, a man I had not seen since I was seven, and while I was in deep sleep I clearly heard Adriana. Not Adriana pronounced in English but my name the way I like to hear it ADRIANA en espanol. I opened my eyes and quite frankly I thought I was still dreaming. There it was close to my bed the spirit/silhouette/shape of a man in a suit. I couldn't believe my eyes. I turned to the clock on my nightstand, looked back at it and before I knew it, it began to disappear. When it happened I only shared the story with two people. One replied, "I am not surprised at all. As in touch as you are with what you sense it probably knew you would see it." It I came to understand was my father. After years of not being with me he came to see me. Actually see me.
I had heard stories like this before and discarded them. It just sounded plain weird. That is until it happened to me. I went on to share it in group therapy and found that I was not the only one with that experience. A relief I must say that others like me can see beyond what we are taught to. That others use their sense of intuition as well. This is the part where some wise crack friend asks me what I was on. So for the record I've never done anything in my life. Nope. Not even the home grown stuff. ;-) These experiences are simply them as I lived it. Nothing added. After all not only do we see the world as we are, we live based on our beliefs. It can be a beautiful mess or it can be a torturous mess. I prefer to see the beauty in this existence, detours and life on life's terms moments included.
His departure was a HUGE season change for me and it kicked off 2011. Not exactly what I had envisioned but what has come due to his departure is this sense that now he has my back like he never could before. He wasn't equipped to raise children and with his background and no help to heal, remember therapy was for crazy people once upon a time, there was in my humble opinion no way anyone could have expected him to know what to do with us. However I have this sense that he is watching over me constantly now. A sense that is constantly reaffirmed in the words of friends and family. Some would never want to accept that he could possibly be behind the synchronicity as the leaves of change keep falling in my life but I know he is. Simply because everything my heart needs only God, the universe and my angels know of and yet at the most precise of moments when doubt wants to become my bestfriend in the words of a friend I hear my father. Words reaffirmed by my friend Jessica's post on facebook. This sign can only truly make sense to me. A sign reminding me that no matter my past I AM WORTHY of BEING LOVED.
It's astonishing to me even now, years after following signs, how magically we are all taken care of if we choose to see it. As I walked this morning after finally finishing what I consider the footwork and knowing the outcome is in God's hands, I ran across this.
Again something that can only make sense to me but something that really makes me grateful for having awareness. For being open to communicating with God and the universe in more than one way. While I do pray on my knees sometimes, I am in constant prayer. I consider my conversations with God prayer. Prayers of gratitude, of faith, of fear, of trust, of astonishment and so on. They are always happening. It makes my mom happy to have me sit beside her in mass and so I do. If people want to see me as religious because I do that is fine with me. What I see is gratitude for being able to sit next to my mother one more year no matter where I am. It makes me happy to stand at the edge of the cliff at Runyon and converse with my understading of God and so I do. I am open to accepting different ways of communicating with this unseen force whose name is really not as important to me as trusting it hears me and of course guides me, yet I choose to call it God. For me enter all who seek means enter within and find YOUR answers. Within is where God is. In YOUR heart. Yes it's great to seek comfort in like minds but embrace your individuality and in that I feel you will find comfort in all that comes your way and hopefully gratitude for being the unique creation of God you are.
As my leaves continue to fall and I grow through bare seasons, harsh weather seasons and joyful, giving seasons I continue to hold gratitude for all of it in my heart. Every bit of it that the seasons of this past year brought. From enduring all the paper trails twice, to basking in the light in the eyes of a dear friend where I feel seen and whose timing I believe was definitely my father's gift as since he was gone when our paths crossed, to holding my friend Kellie's son, to holding Cienna, to being on the set, to being on the couch in tears, to my girl's night with a dear friend proving we are like crazy and growing together in our friendship, to the gifts from GLAMOUR and their timing, to the artistry of Areli who while she may be responsible for my make up is actually brought so much more to my life, to watching Tammy and Patrick's union of love celebrated as well as Vince and Cole's and having all my dear friends hold me my hand through all the change. ALL OF IT. All of the changes brought upon by the constant seasons of my life are welcome.
A year ago as my thirty-fourth approached I was a wreck. Neil had passed a couple of months before and I kept questioning if I'd get up to see my birthday as he passed a month before his. I kept calling my mom to hear her voice. I was trying to stay afloat in a sea of fear. As the season of mourning passed I did find the shore again. It was far from easy but I stayed in the water and my lifesavers became my fellow mourners in group therapy. Eventually the sun came out again and with it the season of change that is being brewed up far away right now. I trust in it and its magic! I don't fear the changes it brings anymore. I have found my way back to my source of light! I am able to let go once again being the woman I knew before Neil and my dad "departed" and an even stronger version. To me they are still here. They are this final sign I got upon returning home from my walk this morning. Reaffirming my belief that I have indeed done all I can in all matters of my heart and affairs and that seasons bring in new friends and see friends depart as well. That it is time to let go and let the magic of my footwork unfold on its own.
The synchronicity in the falling of the leaves I am experiencing is only for me to understand. However my prayer for you is that when the constant change is brought upon into your life by the seasons doing what they were created to do may you do what one of my favorite poems suggests, "More and more I have come to admire resilience. Not the simple resistance of a pillow, whose foam returns over and over to the same shape, but the sinuous tenacity of a tree: finding the light newly blocked on one side, it turns in another. A blind intelligence, true. But out of such persistence arose turtles, rivers, mitochondria, figs and all this resinous, unretractable earth." May you find beauty and embrace the gifts of your seasons as they too will come to pass. Stay present in their beauty! Be open to their gifts! You may just find that the light brings with it dreams that exceed your expectations! May their timing return to you the awe of our childhoods and our discoveries. May you find within you the courage to weather the storm and the constant season called change. Dear God and the universe I am ready when you are!
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