Embracing and letting go the gifts of my past.

If there is anything great about having to move abruptly after eleven years it's the ability to rediscover the woman I once was who gave way to the woman I am today. I decided to create even more space than that which circumstance has asked me to by getting rid of at least half of what I own. I did end up booking the commercial I spoke about in the prior blog so now I have to travel three times in December barely allowing me anytime to pack and move as I have a deadline to be out by since my place has been promised to someone else. So after taking one last look at my home the way it has been for most of my twenties I decided to start packing the past and head towards my new beginning. As I began to pack my books my twenties came rushing back. It was truly amazing to see how far I've come.

I found the most amazing books that have remained unopened in so long all they do is collect dust on my bookshelf. I rediscovered all the authors that helped me navigate the turbulent waters of my twenties from Don Miguel Ruiz to Wayne Dyer to Deepak Chopra to perhaps the most freeing, Sark. In her books she encourages you to color outside the line, lay in bed and be free. As I perused all the books memories came rushing back of sitting at my favorite restaurant in Malibu, in the same spot I did for years devouring words of hope from many. Years some called a waste and years that I believe gave birth to the woman I am today. All these authors along with four years of intense therapy gave way to my rebirth and to becoming not only a woman comfortable in the skin I am in but also a woman in love with herself as one of the book titles suggested.

After reading my notes and highlighted areas I made the decision to let them go. In doing so not only would I be saying goodbye to the past but I would allow them to become the gift in someone else's life that they had been in mind. Sure at first I struggled to put them in the giveaway box but I would tell myself okay one for the box one to keep and soon enough it became easier and more went into the giveaway box. It started to reveal within me the importance of letting go of the past in order to live my way into the answers and the what next. To acknowledge, love and most of all be GRATEFUL for all that guided me to where I am today but to let it go so the new beginning can commence. This meant letting go of books that ex lovers had brought into my life. Would it be possible to say goodbye to the Alchemist and The Witch of Portobello? Or to bid Kundera's Unbearable lightness of Being a fond farewell and ask him to take Murakami and Auster with him. Surprisingly it was so easy. Even two years ago it might have seemed like such a task to let the man who introduced me to those brilliant writers go but I am beyond grateful that alchemy, witches, love affairs, magicians, and feeding from hand to mouth no longer played a role in my life.

This by no means that they weren't amazing when they did but I am no longer a woman in search of love. I am a woman in love with myself, who is loved and who lives in such a different place now. As I bid farewell to all those great writers and great memories I arrived at a portion of my bookshelf where I would not be willing to let go. Perhaps it's because I am an old soul, have been here before and all these kinds of books remind me of beautiful times but one thing is certain old hardcover books discovered at my favorite book shop on Main St. in Ventura are staying with me. There is something so profound to me about a book that was published in 1923 and dedicated to someone in 1949 like my copy of Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet. It holds a story of the lives it touched before it did mine. So The Prophet, Dr. Zhivago, Wuthering Heights, Introduction to Aristotle, Churchill and the Shroud are all staying with me. Especially the Essays of Ralph Waldo Emerson. My 1944 copy that once belonged to Mrs. Edyth Teeses is falling apart so I let no one near the book which holds more hope in its words than anything else I have ever read.

They'll remind me of the beautiful times I drove there to discover not how to loose myself in a book in order to find myself but how to just be present to what once was in someone's imagination. To be present to their art. That is what I am choosing to do now more than ever. Be present to this new beginning. To not fear it, its direction, the light, and most of all its rapid ascend towards magic and beauty. To know all I have lived has been exactly as it had to be in order for me to be able to be present today and unwrap the gift that is my life, which is magically and mysteriously unfolding before my eyes. It's full of synchronicity and magical whispers of what is without speaking words to eachother yet knowing fully the universe is speaking. It's guiding, it's saying it's time to move into the next level. To claim and most of all accept what I deserve. So thank God for the treasures that now sit in boxes. Thank God for all the men, women, and children who have crossed my paths and led me here to today to this circumstance where once again I must let go of all I have known (which means letting go of sixteen years worth of belongings too) in order to live what I have yet to know but have always desired.

As my week progressed my daily calendar kept speaking to me like it did Wednesday when the quote of the day read this below.


It is so clear to me and it became so transparent when I lost my home that this new beginning meant leaving an era with grace and gratitude while holding the hand of God to the new era where LOVE and all I deserve and have worked for will cross my path. May you be able to see the gift that it is to let go and surrender in order to allow God and the universe to bestow their magic upon you. May you never be a victim of circumstance but a receiver of its gifts. May you be blessed to allow your past to guide you towards your Northern Sky and embrace its magic. ;-)

Version two beautiful to miss. ;-) 2:54 "I never felt magic crazy as this."