Perhaps the most bizarre accusation handed against my character in the last few days was that I am standing up for what is fair and right using my team and our work as an excuse because they can see clearly that my sole purpose is myself. I was warned that until I respected the sole source of our work I would continue to be just a producer and never create anything myself. Perhaps they should have done more thorough research as I am the creator of The Art of Being, my first production, and precisely the reason GLAMOUR Magazine and Toyota honored me gifting me with a car in the process not too long after I had paid mine off and it had stopped working. Timing! Yes the universe always has your back! Neither company ever saw the play or knew the depth of my work, its meaning or sacrifices yet from over 2,500 women nationwide I was chosen simply because God and the universe knew whose behalf I had worked on. ;-) I can also proudly say I was the first Latina to win the award. An award handed to me at a ceremony in Los Angeles. If they had really chosen to see all of my work for what it truly is perhaps they would have seen the first video in the interview section of the film and television section of www.adrianagarza.com
where I am at my award ceremony and I am accepting my award giving credit where credit is due. I found it last night as I reviewed my site for changes and it brought great comfort.
There is a lovely scene in Runaway Jury where John Cusack's character is having a conversation with a jury member and simply by having it the jury member exposes himself and true colors leaving everyone in the room in awe of his true character and motive once revealed. Everyone who forms a part of my team bases their opinion on what they see for themselves, including my Executive Producer, in our conversations as I am always quick to point out there are always two sides to a story. Always. No one needs me to form an opinion for them. We are all individuals. How we perceive and take things in is how we will hand our judgements to others. So if I am always worried about my weight I will always worry about others weight when I judge them. They won't be good enough because I don't feel good enough. Something I learned simply by navigating my twenties. This applies to anything. When I was little my mom said, "Adriana El Leon cree que todos son de su condicion y la zorra no se ve su cola." The end sounds funny but holds a valuable lesson. She was saying that people hand judgements based on what they would do and don't see their own faults when doing so. They can't see past their judgements. She used common known sayings which reference animals because as a kid she wanted me to get it.
I didn't then but I do now. Life has taught me to hold space for compassion. To say I have struggled these past few days would be true but not for long. I didn't use someone's past to shed light on the truth I simply used their own words which of course were interpreted differently by them as we are two individuals. I was handed judgement after judgement based on my past work, and interviews. When I was advised to do the same in return and use stories about their past, by past I mean pre- knowning them, against them too to justify their attacks, I saw how the people who interpret the law can work not all but some as they seek to win and I realized in that moment that if I did any of what I was advised to do I would become the same thing I was standing up against. It really would go against my essence even if compassion wasn't residing within me entirely I still couldn't become that which I was standing up against. It would make everything to me at least pointless. When I advised my team of my decision to surrender and let go one of my interpreters of the law confessed to not having clients like me informing me that people usually get into it until they make others see their side. I am well aware I can't. That would be like asking myself to know what it is like to have a father when I haven't seen mine since I was seven. Where would I draw from?
The bottom line is everyone involved stood to loose something they had worked hard on and everyone involved was willing to stand up for what they felt was right. An agreement to disagree could not be reached and that was when I realized what I was up against and how staying present and continuing to allow it to consume and worse embody me would prevent me from my destiny so instead I bid it FATEwell. Although the assumption was made that all was in vain it wasn't. Trust me it wasn't. This is where you come in. I simply do not know how I would have navigated the waters of this constantly stormy sea without YOU this past year. All of you arrived precisely on time. From Areli who came to do my make up and in actuality it turned out she came into my life to feed my soul and share in my joy of all the magical conspiracies to Hannah who arrived to console me and I her as we shared the memories of her uncle and magically she found me through this blog. Of course the list of God timed arrivals is endless. From the light who brought through the words of a dear friend affirmation that I am not alone and while my breathes were very difficult to take after my father passed as I constantly feared dying it was very clear I was now being rescued by not only the words my friend spoke but by my father and Neil. There was also the neighbor's timely card to console me on my father's passing and perhaps the most magical one, which arrived precisely when I needed it most from Australia.
The list of examples which humble me, show me God's existence and fill me with gratitude is endless. January started with the loss of my father, followed by the loss of one actor as he dropped out of the film, and finally the Investor all within a week. As I see it all was as it should be as it opened the door to all of you. Every single one of you who I had to create space for to enter. I believe that is what loss does creates space for what lessons you need to embark on next to evolve, and hopefully grow into a more LOVING human being regardless of the circumstances. Hopefully like me you can see the BLESSINGS that would not exist if it weren't for those circumstances whose timing can sometimes seem overwhelming.
As I reflect upon the past year I thank God the female director with high demands did not work out as it led me to Randy. This would be a great time to tell you of what a gift he bestowed upon simply by being willing to dance to the ballad of compromise with me. I learned so much from him while we took the dance floor for over a year. I am going to miss him so much and while I foresee us working together again I am going to miss him letting me be me. Not once did I ever feel like who I am, God and universe talk included, bothered him. NOT ONCE and I know we don't share beliefs but we shared a very important thing any relationship I believe should be founded on, RESPECT. We have not always seen creatively with the same eye. How could we being two individuals but he always afforded me the gift of being his equal. ALWAYS. Randy I am so grateful for the magic we created together. Your support of me, my vision and my dream especially this past two weeks has made me a better person. I have your back!
Like Randy there were so many who brought love, courage, support, and faith with them as their suitcases when they arrived timely into my life. So to allow one suitcase of someone's idea of me to take all that away would simply be in my humble opinion very blind of me. I SEE YOU! All of you and when I think of what you have done for me I realize you bring this quote to life, "Friends (family) are God's way of taking care of us!" Bev, Shari, Danielle and Jon A., Cienna (one day you wil forgive me for casting you as a baby boy) Susan V., Susan, Samantha, my movie dad Ruben (te quiero tanto!), Drew, Lizanne, Michael, Benjamin, Alma, Eve, Vince, Cole, Jason, Philly, Finian, Ciaran, Conor, Armando, Jake, Gaby, Shiela, Carlos, Andy, Rosie, Agnel Ishmael (whose name eerily is now what I call my dad), Mary Queen, Eric, Tammy and Patrick, Lindsay, Rena, Ivonne, Vero, Jorge, Enrique, Jorge Andres, Mercedes, Meche, Dan, my birth father Ismael and his daughter Paty (who guided me through his transition), Zoey, Sheri Michaels, Kris H., Herb, Michael Mullen, Lisa, Eloy, Richard P., Valerie A., Lisa A., Javier F., Kris N., Sarah D., Jesse B., Blanca V., Gabriela G., Kelly R., Kunal, Hannah, Hans, Areli, Kimberley M., Danielle R., Jennifer H., Jennifer W., Darice, Randy, Paul R., Jerry and I know I am missing someone but do know I AM GRATEFUL! The list is endless and your timing impeccable! To all who posted our project, especially strangers, on their social networking sites in efforts to see our dream come to life thank you. The universe knows. As you have done so shall be done to you! May your DREAM come to be your reality! My definitely did. I am so proud of all of us!
I don't care how many times I am persuaded to stay in the dark more than necessary so I can't see clearly. I would much rather face the sun directly and stand in its blinding light of truth as I see it. This helps me see that Margaret Mead was very very wise when she said, "A small group of thoughtful people can change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has." I would like to add that you changed my world and by being of service to me in return you serviced the world as what we created together was meant for the world even if it was a preemie. It is a beautiful preemie and I have EVERYONE involved to thank for it. This is OURS. It exist because you lent your art, held my hand when I couldn't go on and simply believed in me. I present to you what YOU and I created.
I do not take well to bullying by anyone to anyone or anyone's interpretation of my art of being used against me. Regardless of what anyone desires to see or interpret not only will I continue to use my God given voice I will continue to use it to BE LOVE. I am not that frightened teenage girl anymore who stood in the middle of a tremendous circle of people and ridicule as one girl threatened me because I looked at her boyfriend in junior high. I am not the girl who in high school was told she was going to get a beating in not such kind words simply because Mike, who later confessed, told the offender a lie. They reside within me and are part of what bestows me the gift of compassion but I am an adult and no one's threats, interpretation of what is or attacks on my character frighten me. These past experiences were EXACTLY as they should be as they gave birth to being able to know who I am and where I stand. They gave birth to the strong convictions I bestow. While I may temporarily need to lay down and rest like I do now I still know what I ran across a while back, "at the center of your being you have the answer, you know who you are and you know what you want." As I lay and rest delighting in the calm before the storm that signs have informed me is coming I find comfort in the words that came from Lizanne after seeing our work which I share with her and the universe and which will be held in my heart forever. God I hear you and in her timely words I see you!
The night came and it got dark but you stood by me and for that I am eternally GRATEFUL and indebted to you. Have NO FEAR I have your back. You have made me the woman I am today and I am honored to have crossed paths with ALL OF YOU regardless if our paths diverged and I decided to take the one less traveled where temporary loss will on God's time give birth to my FATE. I stand by you too! To anyone who comes across this I wish you an ability to see the gifts that are born of the dark. The ones that arrive during and after the darkness. The greatest to me have been the ones born because of it that the LIGHT and changing of the seasons bring with it. May you be blessed with at least one individual like all the ones that crossed my path! In the words of one my favorite souls whose definitely a gift of the darkness and whose words shed light on my path, "YOU shaped my life. YOU make me love who I am today." There are no words to express the depth of my gratitude for that. I will simply say thank you for believing in me. I am humbled by your LOVE and SUPPORT! Thank you for CHOOSING to endure the journey with me. I LOVE YOU!
No comments:
Post a Comment