As one dream ends another commences and my journey continues. So as one door closes and I await for another to open I stand in the in between space I call the hallway. Sometimes it can be dark and mourning can take place. I've been living a lot of that this year. Dreams dying and space being created to allow new dreams in. This prompted me to think about how many times in my life I have consciously or unconsciously let go of a dream being a certain way in order to allow a new dream in. It turns out I always have as it's part of this journey called existence on this planet. Growing through the journeys in order to see dreams come to fruition and letting go of what I envision in order to receive what I deserve has become my way of life. As I a reflected on my past I realized that I am BLESSED! I have lived everything I ever wanted and then some. There is this idea that in order to live a dream in my industry you have to have it be accompanied with fame and money. One thing I need in order to survive this existence and the other does not attract me in the least bit. I always find it fascinating when people see my work and say "you are on your way." I smile and don't say much as it's not my place to take away their idea on the WAY but inside I hold my truth. I am already there.
The greatest gift of not getting what I envisioned is that it allowed me to receive a dream that exceeded my expectations and was what God and the universe thought I deserved. I call them miracles because of the journey that preceded the destination. Some dreams I have had no choice and they were taken from me and some I made the decision to walk away from like the most recent one. I wasn't attached to it and while I stood up for what my team and I deserved and I still believe we do I had told Danielle a couple of months ago that I didn't see it coming to fruition. My gut was just telling it wasn't going to happen. She thought otherwise and expressed it but I still kept getting the feeling that it wasn't meant to be. All I wanted in the end was for all involved to get credit where credit is due and to have our work respected. Something I inevitably had to leave in God's hand in order to move on and create space for the what next to arrive.
That has always been one of my favorite questions. Every time I finish a project and even before I am done savoring it someone will ask me what I plan to do next. My answer provides me with some of the most interesting expressions I have ever seen. I let them know that I don't know what is next and I have to wait for a sign from God and the universe. Of course I have my dream list which I share mostly with God and the universe but I have been doing this long enough to know the what next is not in my hands. Not if I want it to be magical. If I try to take control of the what next I end up in the what the heck? ;-) If I let go and do as Emerson suggest, "Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience" I end up living my way into a miracle every time without fail. The journey there is a whole another thing which I treasure regardless of all its unforeseen detours knowing that without them I would have never arrived at that particular destination. But truly to be able to do live like this I must be open to a lot especially being present in this very moment till the sign arrives. In devouring my walks with the eyes of a toddler discovering things for the first time and that is what I am currently doing as I mourn the loss of a dream as I envisioned it yet again.
Two things keep coming up for me right now as I do this. Patience and I am loved. Both which I am contemplating getting tattooed. To my close friends stop laughing I am not too girlie for it. I want one on each wrist as a birthday gift to myself. We'll see. Last week I sported "I am loved" on my wrist to see if I could get used to it and every time I dealt with the final negotiations of my work and things seemed quite heavy I would look at it and it would be a great reminder that I was being taken care of no matter what things APPEARED like to others. As I've said before for me victory lies in knowing when to let go and accept the detour to your destiny. When to bid something FATEwell.
As the door has officially and legally closed on one dream and I stand in the hallway I contemplate the gifts that were born from having the patience to be here in the past. This is not to be confused with not doing anything which is something I feel can be interpreted when letting go and letting God is suggested. Being present to this moment for me means, mourning the loss by i.e. taking walks, resting when needed and standing up when ready. That is actually doing something contrary to what society may believe or impose on us. In Mexico every afternoon after we eat together with our family we take a siesta and then get back to work. That is what I consider what I am living now, a siesta in order to take life and all its beauty in.
My last siestas have provided me with such amazing miracles. When I was young I got into pageants because my mom wanted me to, others were doing it and not much else was happening in my hometown that did not require me to cross the bridge and get drunk at a bar in Juarez. Something that till this day is not appealing at all. So there I was attempting to be Miss Teen El Paso. While I did place in the top 20 out of 113 contestants my second time around I didn't win. After going to Monterrey to be in my sister in law's former pop group and returning home I gave it one more try. Except this time I entered Miss Teen Expo Spokesmodel. It was 1993 and I won. Third time is a charm or as I see it now a dream exceeding my expectation. Unbeknownst to me then and something I can see clearly now is that that pageant actually lined up with my beliefs. It went along with an event called Teen Expo that inspired teens to be the best they could be. I was actually representing that not the city which I thought was not as good. Turns out I was wrong. I left to Fine Arts School during my reign and I have Teri to thank for not taking my title. I fulfilled duties when I could and passed on the title in 1994 when I moved back from Mexico City. I can see now that the "failure" of the two prior pageants was for many reasons but more than anything to have my beliefs line up with my work.
It's happened many times since then. I didn't get all the countless movie roles I auditioned for including my pre-read for Spanglish because while it is all beautiful work it was not the work my heart longs to do. Same for junior high school cheerleading. Not getting on the squad prompted my mom to give me a card that said "when one door closes another opens." Something a teenager can't truly grasp then like this thirty-four year old woman can now. I did go on to be on the dance team instead which again went more in line with me. I think being on the cheerleading squad would have been an attempt at being seen and being on the dance team was about feeding my soul. Till this day dance transforms me and through the miraculous ways in which my body can move and bend I see what is possible in this magical existence. Give me music and a dance floor and I am the happiest girl in the world, okay almost thirty-five year old woman. ;-)
As I reflect on all this I am for the first time seeing it affect a very important part of my life I always put on the back burner. My love life seemed to take a back seat to the dreams of my career. I've always been a hopeful not hopeless romantic but as an independent woman I have also been stuck in my way of not needing anyone as I can handle anything on my own. This year the lesson arrived in the most unexpected of ways that while I can handle everything alone I don't want to. I discovered I had told myself I would be okay if I had to because I could. I could keep repeating a pattern if necessary. This particular lesson comes with a lot of layers and of course includes coming from a one parent household with abandonment issues. Layers I've been peeling back for years in hopes of finding my way back believing with all my heart, soul and every ounce of my being that not only do I deserve to be loved. I am loved.
While I don't want to take from all the beautiful souls I've encountered along the way and their gifts in the form of lessons called our relationship I've never encountered love in this form. It's inexplicable their capacity to love themselves, life and most of all others. I had never seen a love like this which carries itself with such grace and humility. Of course I hadn't because I would not have been in a place where I would have been able to accept it but now is the time. I don't fear it or expect anything from it I simply embrace it when I find myself in it presence. It's there in its presence that I see the magic of God, the universe and now my father. I am able to find myself in its company because after many lessons and many years of growth I am finally open to receiving what I deserve. In letting go of dreams as I once knew them I have created space for God and the universe to yet again through their magic put my dreams to shame. ;-) To think a year ago I thought it couldn't get any better. Thank you God for giving me courage to let that dream die so I could create space for the light to arrive on your time. I am most humbled by your love for me and the kindness of the universe.
I am most grateful that I have learned letting go does not mean loosing but simply creating space for what I deserve and allowing God to take care of me. I am grateful for the ability to live my way into the answers and trusting that one dream ending does not mean another won't come to fruition. In these dark past couple of years and especially these past two weeks God sent light to illuminate my dark hallway repeatedly. It was always about me knowing I deserved to be loved by such EXTRAORDINARY friends, family and now the light. May your journey and its darkness provide you with the gift I believe is essential in order to make your way through the detours, unknown and into the what next, LOVE. May love for yourself just as you are reign above all and in that you will find the ability to LIVE YOUR WAY INTO THE MIRACLES YOU DESERVE. WE LIVE ONCE LET'S MAKE IT MAGICAL!
Look at where she is as the video commences, what she is carrying in her hands and where she ends up as she opens the door. Synchronicity! Thank you God!
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