The more I grow the more I can take care of myself and the less the fear of loss paralyzes me. Honestly I can't recall the last time fear paralyzed me. I have leapt big time in many ways and most recently in a way I never have before. I think it's what life wants from us. For us to trust it and its detours. To believe in a life better than the one we envisioned and that is what I saw when I saw the overcast skies before my eyes. I felt like God was saying trust yourself, you may not end up where you thought you would but like before you will end up somewhere just a bit more magical. More deserving. With that thought in mind I took step three. Came home, faced the fear and surrendered. I gave up what I have held so closely to me for so long that she became me and I became her. I let her go. Let it all go. Her world, her family, me living vicariously through her pretending to be a woman with a father and I think she'd be proud. Afterall like me she stood up for what she thought was right too in the pages of her written world.
Unlike her I was standing up for my sense of worth. No longer able to tolerate being told repeatedly how nothing I do is meeting their expectations or vision. All I can conclude is that it doesn't matter what they see because what I see is so different! Afterall I am the one who sailed the ship through the uncharted waters, which included two deaths, a hospitalized loved one, a loved one with cancer, agency changes and the list is endless. Yet in my eyes with everything going on in my life I managed to produce a miracle! A miracle that is not being seen as one. I know the drill. It's not about me, it's about an expectation and how having one gave them a premedated resentment, which is being taken out on me but it's still sad. I had to share my decision to surrender and walk away with my partner in crime in the arts and perhaps that was the hardest thing of all. Breaking his heart and his dream. He understood where I was coming from but like me was sad to see it end this way. My friend Kris told me today that she admired how I could decide where I wanted to go and create the cement to pave the path before me. Her words stole my heart and the emotions they created flowed out of me reminding me of the power I possess when I co- create with my creator. Of the magic in the unknown I have yet again been catapulted into.
In a couple of months if I am unable to secure what I need the most I will no longer be able to call it mine. I am okay with that. I am okay with being a "failure" in their eyes because if I have learned from my past "failures" then I should let you know now MAGIC awaits me. It's simply about it being more magical and beautiful than this. So I release all attachment to what is! I make way for what is currently being conjured up miles and miles away from here far away from planet Earth, which will arrive right on time and become my reality. My story produced by God and the universe. The only co-producer I am willing to work with. Till my fate arrives I leave you with a song I heard today which brought me back to 2006. It is a song which gave me the courage to do "The Art of Being". So let's just say its timing today was impeccable as I am once again "Staring at the blank page before me." "Today is where your book begins. The rest is still unwritten." May you have the courage to write your OWN story even when fear comes knocking on your door forcing its story upon you. May you "Break tradition. Have your tries be outside the line and make mistakes!" May you "FAIL" and follow that failure's detoured road to the life of your dreams!
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