Sleeping with the devil

I've been sleeping with the devil and quite frankly it's exhausting. I read today, we either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong- the amount of work is the same. It was like a ton of bricks hit me and I awakened knowing I have chosen to sleep with the devil. Chosen you ask? Yes chosen because everything is a choice. Everything is in my view in my almost forty years, perception.

I have been perceiving that I am too tired because of my new journey, motherhood and my into the next lifetime relationship with my fiancé Travis. Like anything these relationships with these two beautiful souls takes work! No one truly explains how much work is needed in both and advertisers sell a glow of happiness in both, which is definitely part of the journey on my new path but it's not an everyday thing. Due to that I've made up my mind to choose that I am too tired. That I've given my all to everything and I'm too tired for me.

For yoga, alone time, meditation, peace in my heart, patience with my soul and Travis', Al Anon meetings and all the things that made me who I am. Those gifts born of sixteen years in LA, I've chosen to put away because Austin has therapy, Gymboree, dentist appointment, ER visit because he fell from a shopping cart, pool time, play time, redo his room time and oh yeah maybe Travis and I can hang somewhere in between. 

I rest my body every night wishing for me time, for rest, for things that I've chosen to give up and instead comfort myself in the arms of the devil, it's negative energy is easier to absorb when the mind is weak and the body is tired. But those restless nights are coming to an end.

All I have to do is close my eyes and I see it all. New York photo shoots with Glamour Magazine. Walking down the red carpet in Rome with my favorite author for winning his film competition. Getting the car I won at an award ceremony in LA, my first commercial, choosing dresses and the list is endless.

Then I stay focused with my eyes closed and I see even more, deeper and the journey comes back. The journey to all those beautiful moments. The rejections over and over, being told I didn't look Latina enough. Not booking one single TV show in sixteen years in LA. Applying for thousands of grants and receiving one. Rejection after rejection after rejection meant I had to get back up and keep walking in faith.

So I did and one day God said this way, follow your heart, the money will follow. Huh? This way... No I think this way I would say upon hearing this and then just like that overnight I said okay I AM READY, your way it is. I smile as I think of the door that opened and the journey that led there.

A door ten years later is wanting me to open it but I've been too comfy with the devil's toxic seductions until it simply got to be too much and I heard a song that reminded me what I did when it all got to be too much four years ago. I started a new journey and put an end to a suffocating path that wanted to be left behind. In doing so I birthed a relationship I've never had with a loving caring PATIENT man and we birthed a soul so beautiful only God could be behind all this.

So today I am choosing to once again sleep in the arms of my beloved God and receive its comfort! Like most people I am uncertain of what God looks like but I am not uncertain of the miracles born when I choose to partner with God. So here I grow once again into the arm's of something so powerful that what I am about to give birth to will blow us all away. It's time to put into action what I was quoted as saying in Glamour Magazine when I won my award in 2006, mentor young LA children who want to make their inner voices ring true. You're up Austin, Texas...

So now it's time to rise to the challenge like a skyscraper. Blessed to once again see the signs and be able to follow them to an entirely new direction (END) and put an end to sleeping with the devil. The time has come to put an END (Entirely New Direction) to this toxic relationship. I WILL RISE LIKE A SKYSCRAPER!

The art and importance of surrender.

My son is peacefully sleeping next to me as he woke at 5am and partied. He's been an early riser since birth. I've been a neurotic first time mom since his birth. We have had a beautiful journey together in these two and a half years since his arrival and in the time he spent within me growing. It was then that I developed this over sensitive sense of feeling like anything I did could hurt him. It was while he, the miracle within me, grew that I felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility and a complete understanding of my journey to Austin, Texas and most of all my journey as a human being on this planet. After all, the most I will leave behind are the words I instill in him. Words, words he has not been able to speak yet and what brings me here to my most treasured past time once again, writing.

Am I to blame? Did the vaccines do it? Is it autism? What if I didn't have any caffeine at all while pregnant? Could the zofran have done it? Damn it must be the zofran and why did I give in to the pain of pregnancy long morning sickness known as hyperemesis? This is where I am today, in this moment as I type this. Austin Enrique has been in therapy since he was eighteen months old, when others told me not to worry, and my mamadar said otherwise. There has been so much improvement. More than I have to time to write about as I know he will wake soon. Today at two and half he has what they consider the language of a 6-9 month old, a severe delay. He communicates just fine, just not with words. I was also given a list of things he should be doing but doesn't yet and then handed what threw me over the edge, because as anyone who knows me knows I am very sensitive, the neurologist talk.

We had this talk before but my pediatrician didn't see a need. Without disrespect to her diagnosis they want me to reconsider. I cried and cried. I told her I knew that this was not a big deal, that this was not an incurable disease but somehow I can't quite contain what I feel inside. Anger, sadness, lost, why me syndrome, why him, I did this....and it goes on and on. One thing that has changed so much I dislike myself for it, is my conviction that above all God has the last word. When it comes to Austin, my son, I struggle so much, more than I care to admit, to let go and let God. How so you say? I drive myself insane working to help him say the words he longs or maybe doesn't.

There's  a toy that worked in therapy, no longer made, I hunt it down, There's a book that worked. I hunt it down. He can't make a session for various reasons I make sure he makes it up. Pre school check. Play time at the Y check. The list goes on and here is why none of this will ever satisfy me, because he will talk on God's time, not mine. That is where I have become a first level student in life for sure, in understanding that this is HIS journey not mine and I am simply his guide and that the best I can do is what I do and let go, surrender and trust.

Once upon a time in LA LA land of all places I knew this. Los Angeles of all places, was the greatest teacher I had encountered until now. It taught me to surrender, to let go, to accept, to embrace detours, to never give up, to see beyond what the eye can see and go within, to trust the process, to dance in the storm instead of waiting for it to pass, to believe in the unseen and to see with my heART. All things I have somehow forgotten since becoming a mom. Things I long to remember when I hear what I did today. As she spoke words of concern I clearly heard, remember God has the final say, and perhaps there's a glimmer of hope that I am not entirely lost in motherhood.

I don't mind being lost in motherhood but I certainly do dislike being lost in the constant thoughts of fear, for him, his journey, my mistakes. I keeping seeing the light in the dark skies that cover Texas as it's storm season. It pierces so powerfully through all the darkness summoning me asking me to see the woman I am and have always been, asking me to leave behind the thoughts of fear that becoming a mother have birthed and nursed.

What lies ahead I don't know but perhaps Ralph Waldo Emerson knew well from his experience what fear accomplished so he chose wisely these words he left behind, "What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us." I've been here before. I met the darkness in the midst of a battlefield called Los Angeles many times and while I didn't always win, I grew towards the light with every battle. It appears the war has come and it is time to re learn how to choose the right words that allow the thoughts within to birth trust that all is as it should be and he is and will be fine. As I grow through this journey and accept that just for today I am overcome by fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) I trust that just like I have in the past I will win. My son is what I defend in this war and I have the intention of arming myself once again with all the bravery in the world, which sixteen years in LA gifted me so I can forgive myself and once again LET GO AND LET GOD! As I trust this will give way to a dream that exceeds my expectations, a dream where his words will be heard, right on time, not a minute too soon, a minute too late or on the developMENTAL guideline time but God's time.

Dear Austin Enrique,

I am humbled by your lessons. I am grateful! I love you more than words could ever express because for some things there simply are no words. You wouldn't have to say that you love me because I already know. More than words....

Love,

Mama Adri

The art of self care after parenthood

I have found that there are some people in life whose soul purpose or it seems is to make you as unhappy as they are. For me this lesson is repeating itself and as the teacher arrives I confess I the student was caught off guard and unprepared.

I have in my almost thirty-nine years entered many classrooms but somewhere in the last almost two years I lost some of my tools and knowledge. Look I'd hate to blame the cutest culprit around but he took half my brain cells. Parenting as I see it for now is my greatest teacher and I am learning for two so I really want to excel on every level. From his nutrition, my greatest teacher so far, to his learning abilities I am on top of it all so much so I'm even cooking now to make sure his body is fed in a way that benefits his growth, especially with all the needs of his growing brain. Gotta love that DHA producing cod liver oil!

In the process of focusing so strongly on my class with Austin I have completely forgotten, even when opportunity arises, to go to my self care class. So much so that when the latest teachers arrived, they are tied to me by blood and always present but the more unhappy they become the harder the lesson, I was caught of guard.

I love my son in a way words can't express and don't suffice so my assumption is you do too. Who wouldn't? Sadly some don't. Some people's broken hearts, path and journey fills them with pain, sadness and the taste for life becomes bitter. So when you encounter them and share a classroom with them they want you to follow their lead instead of the greatest teacher I have found. I prefer to follow God aka the light aka God and the universe aka whatever you label it, as love truly needs no label. It's such a powerful feeling no word can truly grasp it or define it.

However in the process of focusing on what I consider to be my most important class at this point in my life, I couldn't seem to find the tools that fight off the darkness when it descended and told me and showed me it does not care for me or my accomplishments, once again calling me a soul composed of LA bullshit. Then it attacked and said I cost so much and reminded me that I've always been viewed as a burden and I did what Bev has always suggested I don't do. I bought a ticket, took my seat and rode the carousel that goes round and round and arrives no where.

In becoming Austin's mom I lost my ability to be compassionate with myself and others. Especially those who have a come to teach me repeatedly how truly sick the darkness can make a soul. This lesson is a constant in my life and while I hopped on the carousel I spoke words so unlike my character I actually got sick, physically sick.

Temporarily the darkness consumed me and I told the attacker FU. I realize that to some of you this may not seem like a big deal and honestly I won't lie, it felt a little good until it didn't. That was when my body shut down on me and I realized what I had done goes so against what life has taught me.

I have a fellow student in my current classroom who is also tied by blood who has always loved me as I am and as she sees me, her precious little sister. Roni can recall like it was yesterday the first time she saw me and the excitement she felt. She is always by my side whispering, forgive. She says forgive because I hate to see what not forgiving does to you and she's right. The darkness is truly that, dark. Heavy. Suffocating and so not who I am.

This lesson in this current classroom, I foresee is going to be a tough one because my mind keeps relating family to support and love. I keep thinking that they go hand and in hand. Or that they must but sometimes our greatest teachers are the precise people that will lead us to success, as their doubt fuels our passion and fire.

I will focus on that. I will have gratitude for their dislike for me, my career, my choices, and my LA bullshit. All this culminating in their constant pull at me to change me has actually gifted me a life where my dreams are exceeded! I have been pushed towards the light when their hope was to drag me into the darkness and there lies the greatest question of this lesson. Were this not my classroom and teacher would I know to love myself first? To believe despite all labels of failure? To push beyond their limited mind?

Often I wonder what the word family truly means. I speak not of the dictionary version but the real life version. I conclude for all it's different. For me I continue learning it's focusing on my classmate Roni and her whispers to forgive. The saviors God sent when my blood ties questioned every move I made upon my move Austin, my two boys. The friends that have supported me when I walked the red carpet in Rome and when I lost it all and needed to sleep on their couch and call it my bed. The ones that built me a home when I lost mine.

There in these words is the answer to my current lesson, family are who we choose to walk this journey with and as I've said before, on this road trip called life choose your passengers wisely. Especially those that accompany you as the whispers in your head. Those I believe must be the whispers of love and love only.

After a failed course this student returns to class as the lesson is currently being re-taught. I return with my focus back on what matters most to me! Gratitude for you and your kindness! For that I'm in debt to YOU and humbled by your heART AND I could HAVE NEVER gone this far without you!! So I'd like to thank you for it! Listen she sings it best.

Learning to find my voice in the balancing act of motherhood.

This week a friend said to me, write, and so I came to write as my son sleeps. As I logged in I realized my last post was in October and my last two posts were almost a year apart! No inspiration does not allude me but the source(s) of it require full time attention that allow room for little else and as I type that I realize I still have more work to do in balancing the art of motherhood. The balancing act is hard for many reasons, and a prominent one would be that I always wanted to be mom so I want to be present and delight in the gift it is. Gifts of rediscovery of the world and everything in it. Also if you know me you know I'm a recovering control addict, so I like to be in charge of being his guide/protector, but who am I kidding I'm not the main one. That one presides in the magic and unseen of our existence in between this material world and the other, which I choose to see as spiritual where magic beyond our minds ability to conceive is conjured up. Where my dream of being his mom was conjured up before it was gifted to me in the most amazing of ways.

Yesterday while I Zumba'd my morning away and he played with fellow toddlers I received a text, which triggered a lot of reflecting. A text that reminded me of the importance of surrender and the magic of truly letting go. I've been practicing surrendering long enough to know the difference between true surrender and letting go and when I tell myself I am doing it but I am not genuinely doing so. Awareness allows me to call myself on it and try again. Yet this text reminded me that I was so surrendered to the process that I forgot this possibility could come to fruition. It helps that I am so busy some days I forget what I did the day before. Toddlers are serious beings with curious eyes and require full attention in the guidance of the ways of this world, from playtime to sleep for their well being. Motherhood is no joke and makes what I do for a living look like a cake walk and is a constant reminder of what is most important.

It is with that thought in mind that I show up for auditions and let me share that it takes the weight of everything off of me. Knowing that my most important job is at home waiting for me and my guidance. So when my agent sent a text during my Zumba class that read I was the choice for my tv audition of the week I was humbled by the ways of the universe! I felt an immense gratitude for the way in which God and the universe show up and remind me they've got it. The most amazing thing is the director is someone whom I longed to work with when I arrived in Austin. Someone whose tenacity I admired and what that tenacity has done for Latinos in our field, yet it never worked out.

Not for the first two years I was here and then on my almost three year anniversary of my move to Austin, there it was. The text that to some would look like a booking but to me was a universal conspiracy to cross my path with his. I had let go, I had surrendered and left it in God's hands and there it was, the magic of surrender, timing. The time has come and I am ready! When the time is right I will reveal what I was ready for. All I think of is thank God, God believes in me perhaps more than I sometimes do and that while I am currently delighting in being Austin's mom I am still able to follow my heART! Back in December I booked a Lowes commercial and I was able to take my son to work as he was booked for the commercial too! Then as I struggled to surrender I was gifted the news that I was in three commercials! It was an improvised campaign with hidden cameras and when they did final edits were able to make three commercials from my work!

No one cast was guaranteed a final commercial and yet God did what I've known God to do best, in all my different detoured journey paths, exceed my dreams! Reasons for detours revealed, always in my best interest! I can't help but think of all the voices in my head. The committee, which constitutes of everyone I've encountered and who tries to divert my path to justify their standstill at a station they don't want to be at. Those who monitor the weight of my greatest accomplishment, saying it's taking too long to come off and it's a shame I let myself go. Believing it'd be hard for me to work like this. Those who said I would never get better treatment then what they gave me and no one would hire me in Austin. Those who dreams seem so distant they carry the weight of the distance and are determined to pass it on. To them I say may God open your heart so your eyes can see that anything is possible! The only limitations are the ones YOU allow your mind to confine you to!

Oh and a gentle reminder, this is the path that led me to be able to sit here this morning, in our house windows open listening to the birds while the wind blows in and I have the privilege of watching our son on the monitor.
"And She Danced, Life after loss" Documentary Trailer from Adriana Garza Productions on Vimeo.


Do you honestly think your words would detour me from God's gifts after what I've lived to get to today? After writing this it looks like I'm learning to find myself, my voice in the art of motherhood just fine. Actually making more than I ever did in Los Angeles and my commercials there had residuals, which goes to show that limited thinking creates limited living. My voice will never be silenced my someone's injustice and their willingness to pass on their lost soul's perception nor will it be something I expose Austin too because in the end all my journey has ever done is cracked me open so my light could shine brighter and I've grown stronger. Something I'll always be glad I can share with Austin in the detoured path city that led to his arrival and namesake. Dear Son because of you I'm learning to balance! You are a great teacher! THANK YOU! Lets keeping growing stronger along with dad. Thank you for being our greatest act of love! For you we soldier on!

Thank you Ana for encouraging me to write again!

The gifts of a broken dream!

There are so many words that could express what I feel when I look at him but endless gratitude would best describe it. Gratitude for all that the city of lost souls gifted me for sixteen years and especially the last two that were the ones that redirected my path so that on November 20,2013 I could hold my biggest dream come to life in my arms, my son Austin Enrique.

I was telling Travis the other day that I still can't believe this is my life! I remember so vividly no longer wanting to ask for help from anyone, shivering in bed from anxiety in my 200 square foot apartment in Los Angeles after loosing what seemed like everything at the time and finally saying to God that while it all wasn't clear as to why, I wouldn't question God's will anymore and simply move to Austin, Texas where I felt the signs were re-directing me. Signs like the Texas license plates I kept seeing everywhere in Los Angeles, signs like being at callbacks and not booking the jobs, and signs like simply not being able to secure work and financial stability. A few months prior, in a matter of a month I was let go the day before wardrobe from a Honda commercial I had been cast in as the lead, lost my apartment of eleven years and due to creative differences walked away from what would have been my first feature length film production. At the time it all seemed too much as these were the gifts of my thirty-fifth birthday, which happened that same month and day after being let go and replaced on the commercial shoot.

I always say God has a reason that sometimes, in my case most times, is not seen in the moment. It is slowly revealed to me as I journey through life growing in many characteristics like faith and strength. Lost is what I felt the most when I arrived in Austin. Desperately trying to find solid ground only to have some of my family members shake my ground with their constant fears and doubts. What was I doing here? What would I do? Couldn't I just take a job at Starbucks? I mean after all they have benefits. I struggled to stay head above water but I did and as I swam in the tides of my new life the currents carried me in the direction of my best friend, Travis. The other day I told him how grateful I was for that night in LA when anxiety consumed me and took me to the point it did because it drove me to him. Literally! I got up, told Bev about my choice, packed my bags, called the movers, got in my car with Areli and drove to Texas without looking back but simply looking forward to a new beginning.

I could have never imagined what would be bestowed upon me back in my home state. Recently I was listening to a song and it spoke about broken dreams. All that came to mind for me was that to me a dream truly isn't broken unless I am not open to the possibility of my dream exceeding what I originally dreamt and it becoming a different, much more rewarding fruition. This can only happen if my heart is open so my eyes can see. See what you ask? Signs that lead me in my life and create along with my choices, extraordinary circumstances and take what some may see as a broken dream and create a new more magical dream. What I believe is a dream only becomes a broken dream if you weren't open to the original dream being exceeded and taking you to different more beautiful direction than you originally planned. A closed mind can create a broken dream. But an open mind can create a magical dream. I'm staring into his eyes right now and he sees me doing this and smiles. All ten months of his existence look at me with an adoring love! His huge smile proving to me that an open mind created this magical dream of a life I lead now!

It hasn't been easy and while I am madly in love with being a mom I have like any mom suffered anxiety, felt overwhelmed, and longed for sleep. Often wondered if I would ever sleep again but any of those fears and thoughts are made so much easier when I think of what I created thanks to a "broken dream". A life, a boy sent here through me and his dad to be Austin Enrique McGehee. So thank God for the courage to let go, to be redirected, to know and trust that like it had before, the pain that broke me was letting in the very light that made me shine again and gave me strength to become a mother. The hardest job in the world and yet the best!! I thought I had accomplished all my dreams and even exceeded what I had dreamt but as usual God had more, much more than I could ever imagine. He is the sweetest most loving soul. His smile, his dad's, is contagiuous and his wonder infectious.

It is beyond a delight to see him discover the world. You should see the way he stares at his hands as he finally acquires control. Or the way he proudly props up what was considered by his pediatrician, a head that is too big. Be it so he is a magical soul discovering this world and we are his guides. He is greatest, most profound teacher as every day he challenges us to stay in the moment and be present to the miracle that he and life are and to try as best as we can to love the now. I can honestly say that I have been tested the most as I have wanted nothing more than to protect him at all cost. I've surrendered to God after drowning in fear and trying to take my fiance with me. His fragile being provided me with a fragile mindset and yet when I watched him thrive in the NICU at one week old I realized exactly what a resilient soul I was being blessed with.

So as we continue our journey I admit to many a faults that becoming his mother have brought out in me and yet every step of the way there has been a beacon of light in the form of an earthbound angel. It begins with his co creator and dad Travis to Ruth Py. I would like to leave this blog expressing gratitude for all who have helped along the way of this incredible broken dream. ;-) Ondrea for all the clothes, my mom and Travis' mom for all the unsolicited advice, which was ultimately in my son's best interest, everyone who came to the baby shower, everyone who wished us well everywhere this crazy blessing called the internet allowed them to and anyone who I am forgetting the best part is God knows what you did. If there was one wish from me to you is to help make your journey easier as you transition to mom so you can LIVE in the blessing of what a gift it is to become one. So here are some of those angels in many forms that made this uncharted territory oh so much easier. Please allow yourself the time to get lost on these sites and I ask you to do what I felt I failed at this time but won't next time. Ask for help because it truly takes a village! May your broken dream gift you the life of your dreams!

Austin's only all natural baby store and where I discovered how to treat my son's colic naturally! https://www.facebook.com/TheNaturalBabyCompanyAustinTX?fref=ts

The BEST doula in the world! ;) She guided us as we put our son on a raw milk formula, best decision ever!  http://www.doularuth.com

HERE'S TO BROKEN DREAMS! THANK YOU LOS ANGELES FOR BREAKING ME OPEN AND SHINING THE LIGHT THAT GUIDED ME TO MY FAMILY!!! Merci Los Angeles, for being the angel that lead me HOME!

The art and cost of bearing fruit by following the signs.

I just got back from checking on my two boys. My two favorite boys that is. It is still so beautifully surreal to be able to say that. I had gotten to a point in my life last year were I had decided to accept what was and not what I wished was. I decided that if God's will was for me to not bear children and create a family of my own that would mean he had a bigger plan, yet I always knew if it didn't happen I would have to let go of my biggest, longest running dream. Perhaps it was that surrendering that caused the after affect. After all I believe surrendering our will to our higher power, God or whatever you believe in creates miracles, which is how this miracle of a life I now lead came to be. I would hate to ever give the impression that something is easy so how I came to bear fruit is always on my mind. You see two years ago on the eve of my thirty-fifth birthday I lost it "all", so I thought. Home, commercial gig and Bearing Fruit rights, which was to be my first feature length film. Little did I know then what letting go of life as I knew it would produce. At that time while I always wanted a family I also very much was a woman married to my career. I lived in a city that encouraged that more than anything. A city that I can see clearly now encouraged a lot of things, most of which have nothing to do with my being and a lot which made me who I am today so I am GRATEFUL for the sixteen years spent there. In that city I believe families are not one of its top promoted gifts of life and existence so God detoured my path with a lot of signs and pushing me off a cliff so I could land firmly where I have today. It's been almost two weeks since what some refer to as a bundle of joy has been with us. Everytime I stare at Austin, named after the city that changed my life and made it more magical than I thought possible, I see God's magic. The city I came from saw magic in the accolades of an industry that honored things I have come to realize now are amazing and beautiful but don't quiet compare to the magic I live now and am honored to be able to. Once upon a time my joy came from producing my work, walking red carpets, winning a car and lets face it posting one too many pics of myself and my accomplishments bordering between promotion of my art and narssasistic behavior promoted and encouraged by my work. Work that I still love but that in my view of the world I have come to understand is second to what I do now. I change poopy diapers, feed Austin every three hours and make sure he survives and thrives. Something he has been doing since he was in my womb as I was sick with hyperemesis and in the ER during and after pregnancy more than I'd like to have been. How I describe what I live for doing now is how the world sees it, but what I have come to learn quickly is that what I am doing is molding a life to help him become who he came to be. Perhaps my toughest challenge in life, to surrender what I want for him and allow him to be, flourish and grow as he is meant to. I am simply his guide. Simply yet last week I learned the IMPORTANCE of that simplicity when we spent Thanksgiving and my birthday in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit due to dehydration something his mom knows a lot about as I spent some time in ER for the same thing. However he is new to this world and there was nothing more terrifying than watching him hooked up to the iv and in a warmer while constant tests were being done to eliminate everything. It was then I realized how big my job is everyday, how much it will grow each day and how in love I am with this little man who will one day become a human being, man who I pray has come to make a difference. I would whisper in his ear how everyone was there to make him better and although I felt they went in the direction of testing for too much I surrendered accepting it be best to look everywhere and find nothing than to look in one spot and miss something. I assured him all were angels there to help get better and held tightly to my faith as what I have come to understand is the most important thing in life was at risk. There is a cost to bearing anything in life and I have lived a very very magical life which has allowed me to manifest many beautiful things but trust me when I am asked to proceed into the next lifetime I am certain all the awards or car I won will hold no value. What will matter is how I helped this young man become who he was meant to. How by doing all those daily tasks of being just a mom as some say I helped him become what his dad and I hope for him everyday, brave. Brave to be, brave to smile, brave to try new things, brave to have hope, faith and strength and brave, oh so brave to love himself just as he is. Austin I want you to know your dad and I have a love like no other and none I've ever known. Due to that we created you in absolute love, consciously and with great hopes that you would come into our lives. He is a kind, caring. loving, patient, ridiculously talented man who you are lucky and blessed to call dad, sweet angel. Mommy did good but then again mommy would be a fool to not acknowledge the help of a man from the next lifetime who couldn't care for me in this lifetime so he crossed my path with your dad and gifted me you. I followed the signs, I bore fruit and now the McGehee's will face a lifetime of Bravery with a young man whose love we can not wait to see grow. And by all means dance, dear boy, dance! Life is beautiful music and you are the choreographer of it! Austin we want to see you be brave!!! The choice is always YOURS!! By the way that was AMAZING bravery in the hospital last week. We learned from you what we needed to do. You are already so BRAVE!

Surrendering to the miracle evolving within me.

I wish I could say I have been a very cool, calm and collected pregnant woman putting all my trust in God and the universe for the miracle evolving within me but I can not claim such a thing as one thing I am not is a liar. In all honesty this pregnancy has been hard. It started with the sickness, hyperemesis, which sent me to the ER several times in the first trimester and got out of control from there. Trusting the process became my constant challenge because after all this was one process that needed very little of my assistance. More God and less Adri but I wanted it to be more Adri as it would allow me to ensure my son's health and well being. So my mind would trick me into believing something so far from the truth. It's almost as if I turned to God and said "I see all you created around me. AMAZING! But I got this one." HA! Thank God for its unconditional love! I seriously do not know how I did not drive everyone from Travis to Ginny to my family nuts with my constant doubt and worry. But let's face it you and I are here because this process sometimes referred to as a bun in the oven in simple terms, has been taking place without my assistance since the beginning of time and it wasn't until I truly accepted that, that change began to take place within me. I wish I could say I have so enjoyed this pregnancy but between my ER stays and my constant worry that anything I eat or do can harm Austin I have unconsciously made this experience not enjoyable. It wasn't until I truly surrendered to the life evolving within me, about a month ago, that joy began to seep in. It was about the same time that I took my doctor's advise and stopped obsessing over the information all the prenatal and parenting sites offer. It's like she told me, "You can do this without me. I am just here to make sure that if we run into a problem I can help." Like she has already done so with the hyperemesis, all the side effects the medicine produces and most of all how she has helped simply by listening to this neurotic first time mom. Once I let her words sink in I began to truly surrender. It also happened to be around the time when Austin began to grow and his body pressed against me more allowing me the privilege of feeling his development within me. This was followed by the realization that this tiny blinking light I saw at six weeks had become a full blown being. A being that yes of course I had something to do with, conception, but a being who while mom was unable to keep even water down, thrived. A being who now allows me the privilege of playing with him often and especially in the morning. Mommy and Austin time consists of me playing music and him kicking, moving perhaps even dancing to let me know he is in tune with me. That is a privileged moment my escape, okay almost escape of my neurotic first time mom syndrome, has gifted me. Surrendering to God and the universe and allowing them control has gifted me my joy back. Not that they weren't in control all along, it's just that it took my mind a while to adjust to the biggest miracle of all, existence within me and accept I am not in charge I only house him till its time for him to join us. Words truly can't do justice to what I feel when I tell him I love him and he responds or when I press my tummy twice and he responds twice. Wish I could say he kicks twice, but based on his sonogram positions he could be butt bunting me twice. It truly is an honor to and a privilege to be Austin's home till he arrives on our current home, planet Earth. It hasn't been easy but it has been a great teacher. One constantly reminding me through the words of others and the signs that we are in this together. That he loves me as much as I love him and that we are blessed to be creating this family and bond with Travis. His father and my love, a bird whose wings have rescued me. A rescue that is a continuation of one that began a few years back when all seemed lost and dark. One that took a lot of healers and one particular song to light the path so I could endure the detour and get to my boys. I am in awe and in debted to many and eternally grateful that the once difficult breath I took which was due to sadness and pain is now replaced by a difficult breath I take due to the weight of the miracle evolving within me. Once upon a time I reached for the phone, I reached for my friends and because I did I was rescued by my destiny. "All I have SEEN teaches me to trust the creator for all I HAVE NOT seen!" RW Emerson I can not wait to look into your eyes sweet boy and like I tell you all the time, MOMMY LOVES YOU but until then I see you, I know you, I love you because I AM YOU!

Expecting the unexpected.

For the past few years and prior to moving to Austin life began to lead me down a detoured path where the unexpected became my life. All these things that happened at once were preparing me for a life I could never have imagined. I always felt more at home in Texas than California but after sixteen years as a California girl God knew it would take drastic measures to help me take that leap of faith and jump in an Entirely New Direction putting an END to what was so what is could arrive. So in a matter of months I lost my home, commercial job, film project of two years and my birth father and a dear friend. Somethings are life cycles ending and others are kicks in the butt asking me to listen to the whispers of the universe whose winds desired I find a new direction in them. I was blown down so all could be rebuilt in a city that now holds more meaning than I ever dreamt. Until I met Travis, my fiance, I have known very few men of character and certainly none like him with an ability to show up to every scenario thrown his way with an open heart, choosing to be present and face the circumstance. I am the daughter of a con artist so all I had known were packed bags by a front door ready to make their way out leaving everything behind including young innocent lives as unwilling victims to his choices. I dove into therapy and spent a lot of years there trying to heal the baggage left behind with the exiting of the suitcases by the front door. I had a pattern as most humans tend to develop overtime, conscious or unconscious. I was an independent woman who could handle it all. I made sure I was self sufficient so I did not need to rely on anyone. After all at an early age, he left when I was seven, I learned not to rely on men. This pattern would not allow anyone in the way it did until now because as usual things, in my view of the world, are always on God's time. That gravity pull and those winds that were blowing me in a different direction I whole heartily believe were my two boys wanting to meet their destiny. In all my years of desiring a family, a solid foundation to call home, I never really saw more than the eyes of a girl. Perhaps in her I hoped I could heal by giving her a father unlike the one I had. What I could have never imagined was that Austin would bring me one of the biggest gifts of my life. An opportunity to guide a man of honor, character and his own beauty. When Travis, my mom, step dad and I made our way to my doctor's office this week after a long patient five months, I was filled with impatience. By the time I made my way into the sonogram room and I was told gender reveal test would be last and then asked if I wanted it then. I said, "YES!" I couldn't wait another minute to see who exactly Travis and I had consciously created and were preparing to welcome into this world. When it was revealed there was definitely no doubt in my mind, it was a boy. Like the sonogram tech said "your baby is not shy". The eyes of the girl were gone and in an instant became the eyes of a boy. One boy had already changed my life and now another was sent to do the same. After all I have lived it would be very silly of me not to know that everything has a reason. No matter what the transition from what I thought was to what is brings. As I sat across from my mom in my home I told her what my heart felt. How never having known a man of honor or character to raise me had led me here. To not just one who held my hand by my side but now together we would help guide a man of honor and character. While fear can creep in revealing itself in the memories of the past I know what was gave way to what is and this is a new soul I have been gifted the privilege of guiding. My two boys! God had a plan that one day all I had lived would give way to a life where understanding would allow me to embrace what a gift it is to bring a man into the world. Her eyes aren't gone but when her dad and I are in the next lifetime I have a feeling this young man whose name belongs to the city that gave me the greatest destiny, Austin, will be watching over Patience. This I know because it's all in the eyes of my boys. A new day has come and with it came the most magical unexpected! A new life begins, literally. ;-) And perhaps just perhaps all this is a gift from a man in another realm who always knew who he couldn't be.

Surrendering to the creation of life.

It is hard to believe it has been over a year since I moved to Austin. On April 30th I thought a lot about the journey I began last year on that day. How after sixteen years in LA life was clearly detouring me and asking me to follow the path of change, drastic change. I obliged for many reasons, which the signs blatantly exposed. Signs only I could decipher and comprehend. The move was easier than the change. While I embraced the change the city brought, leaving my family of sixteen years proved challenging. Add to it that while the entertainment industry is growing in Austin it is obviously no where near the market LA is and a lot changed. I struggled to find my ground with work and friends. Some family members weren't very supportive therefore they didn't make my transition as smooth as I had hoped. At some point last summer I remember thinking, if you want me to go back send me a sign and if love and children aren't in my journey this time around I'll comprehend. In some ways I felt defeated because the support system, chosen family, I had in LA was not here. The sign never came. Instead signs to stay put did and before I knew it my path crossed with a man who would change my destiny forever. As many know Travis is now my fiancé. He is my biggest supporter, cheerleader and best friend. My companion into the next lifetime so it should come as no surprise that I share everything with him. A few months back I began telling him how I could no longer run three miles, heck I could barely make it to half of one. I was also concerned with the fact that I had little energy and was falling asleep around 8pm and that was when it all started to come together. I was in pre-production for the biggest production of my life, unbeknownst to me, yet my body was trying to tell me. Shortly after we found out the AMAZING news! As I had bid farewell to two lives in the past two years, including my birth father, new life was inside of me. I couldn't believe the magical miracle that was unfolding. I was ecstatic as is Travis. I shared with few people and made my bridesmaid/friend Ginny my confidant as she had just had her baby girl in October. We spoke often, I signed up for the newsletters and secretly began the biggest journey of surrender I have ever embarked on. Something Ginny had also warned me about, surrendering. While I was tired I didn't experience other symptoms and I thought I was home free. This wasn't as hard as it seemed until my sixth week that is when true surrendering began. Ginny kept me going in the stage where the newness of it all seemed daunting. Always my cheerleader reminding me that all I the pain I was enduring meant the pregnancy was taking well to my body. The nausea kicked in as did the vomiting. It got so bad I ended up in the hospital where I was diagnosed with hypermesis, severe morning sickness, which is what Duchess Kate had as well and only one percent of pregnant women get. Therefore I've had more appointments than a normal pregnancy and began to see our baby from very early on. It is hard to put into words what I felt when I saw that flickering light, our baby's heartbeat. I've understood from day one that a miracle is unfolding inside me but to see it with my own eyes is something inexplicable. I won't lie or sugarcoat things. I've been in pain, a lot. I've cried a lot and I've spent the past six weeks alternating between the couch and bed. It has been surrendering in ways I never knew I was capable of and I've struggled. My body was no longer at my command. Where it would be, how much it could eat and when it could move was now dictated by the life inside of me. I didn't move or eat much at all and definitely didn't go many places at all in the first trimester but it was just as it was meant to be. Just as I surrendered to what was I got to see Travis be the loving man I know him to be and then some! Following me to the bathroom and holding back my hair as I threw up, making soup for me as I lay unable to move, shopping for my food, taking me to the hospital, holding me while I cried and most of all telling how much he honored what I was doing. Looking into his eyes shows me that everything I lived through to get here was just as God and the universe wanted it. I had a destiny to get to and the two year bumpy road and detours it took to get here was so worth it! I can only begin to imagine what I'll feel when I look into our baby's eyes. A part of me can't help but think Neil, my birth father, grandfather and some more angels had something to do with this perfectly timed miracle that resides in me. These days I am feeling a little better. Hopefully now you can comprehend and forgive why emails and phone calls have been un returned. I even had to stop volunteer teaching at the foster home but I'm coming around and taking it one day at a time. It's hard to put into words what I feel but I do know that nothing had been in vain, there IS always a plan and everyday I thank my lucky stars that I was gifted the faith and courage to say goodbye to the life I had so I could live my way into the life that was waiting for me. I am blessed and humbled by the magnificent new beginning God, my angels and the universe were writing and continue to write for me. A new journey in an entirely new direction begins and I am honored to add mom to my resume and surrender to the journey that is creating life! I've learned that with Patience everything is possible and a new day has come! "Where it was dark now there is light! Where there was pain now there is joy. Where there was weakness I found my strength all in the eyes of a boy. Hush now I see the LIGHT in the sky, it's almost blinding me. I can't believe I've been touched by angel with love." I used to play this song a lot when I first got to Austin. In it's lyrics I found tremendous solace and now, well now I finally made my way home and it all has become so clear! To you baby McGehee all I can say is Patience brought you to us and we can't wait to meet you!!!

The Art of Knowing.

I have come to know many things in life simply by not knowing or knowing exactly what I didn't want. Once upon a time I too fell into the trappings of being a cynic due to the cards I was dealt in matters of the heart. Today I am grateful for all those cards that once made a cynic of me as they led me to the man I will, before this year ends, call my husband. Two years ago this exact month I was dealing with the passing of my father, which followed the passing of Neil. A series of events unfolded that same year that led me to pack up my belongings and after sixteen years in Los Angeles head back home to Texas. While I do have family here my urge to move was something bigger. Yes I would be closer to my siblings and mom and step dad but I knew this urge to pack up and leave the past behind went beyond that. Truth be told two girl friends of mine insisted the one was awaiting me in Texas. Ginny was actually in Austin when she found out I was moving and told me she knew it was where I was meant to be. I have known many kinds of love. Lust masked as love, love that lacks reciprocation, love blinded by beauty, love that strives to change someone and unconditional love. Unconditional love I have learned about in recent years. It was through knowing all the other loves that I was able to understand unconditional love and conclude that was what I yearned for and most of all deserve. I believe we all do. Knowing what I do not want in many areas of my life by experiencing it allows me to come to know what I do want. It has been said by some these past few days, that our love is too soon, among other words I choose to not entertain or repeat. What I do choose to entertain is the knowledge that having my best friend cross paths with me and propose to me has brought. Travis is my best friend so he knows everything. From Thomas to Cotter he knows of their impact in my life to the ways they helped me navigate the darkened path I was on, led me towards the light and let me go when necessary so my path could come to cross with his. We hide nothing from each other and because we became friends first and then the obvious came to light, we have that strong bond of two people wanting the best for the other. I have known untimely love more than any other so I have had many broken promises. A life filling a heart with some days made for some bitter years but I never lost hope. So when I arrived in Texas with minimal baggage and once I got past the notion that I could loose a friend, a door to the love of my lives opened. I have a very strong faith but it has actually been Travis, whose strong belief in a love beyond this existence, has led me to believe I will love him into the next life. There is no one else I want to see smiling at me when I depart my body and arrive wherever we go than him. I believe heaven you can believe what your heart tells you. It was his smile that caught my eye when we first met and I hired him to work on my film Road Trip with the Devil. Working side by side with someone in a forty eight hour film competition will show you many things. I still adore his enthusiasm, work ethic and insane talent! He can write, edit, do graphic design, has engineered major record albums you have probably listened to and danced in the film Step Up. But I can honestly say that while our upbringing and chosen profession does make our bond strong its our communication in every aspect of our relationship that keeps us going. He knows that I thought Cotter was a soulmate, then Thomas and that I almost married a way too different, way too old man I loved when I was twenty-two. He knows my dreams, my losses and while I am working my way back to my heART is there everyday to hear me out when seeing my heART come to life again feels so distant. When I look into his eyes I see how safe he wants to keep me, how much he loves US, and how genuine his love is. I see a man I may have crossed paths with a thousand years ago and a man I want to love for the next thousand years into the next lifetime. I refuse to explain to anyone our love or defend it but I will gladly share my story in hopes that you too can believe in magical, perfectly timed love. Love is not torturous, unrequited, hard, blind, hurtful, keeping score, or competitive. Love is a flow, a friendship, respect and most of all acceptance of who the person when you meet them not who you hope to make them. Not having this in my life in all of my past relationships led me to know exactly what I wanted and most of all allowed me to receive and give the abundant love Travis and I share. You don't have to date someone for a year or ten to know, you simply just do know when you know and I know that I have a friend and lover who sees me, loves me just as I am and who will most definitely love me into the next life time. May a life of not knowing gift you a life of knowing the love you deserve. "Take me now. The world's such a crazy place. When the walls come down you'll know I'm here to stay. There's nothing I would change. Knowing that together everything that's in our way. We're better than alright."

The Art of Losing.

Losing is defined as to come or be without. Since last night I have been hearing sorry for the loss, which got me thinking. Loss. To me that is a very deep, strong word and a loss to me is not being able to call Neil or not being able to someday see my birth father face to face like I had hoped. People seizing to exist in human form is a loss. Not winning an award is truly not a loss. If you were me and knew the journey I endured to make it to the 48 hour film competition, then perhaps like me you may conclude I won big time. I decided to take on the challenge after a meeting with the film commissioner. At the time I thought what a great way to get to know the local talent in front of and behind the scenes. I truly had no idea what to expect as I had never done anything like it. I can honestly say I was catapulted into growth. By the time November 30th rolled around I had my cast and crew as well as a concept that had come to me while running town lake. My work always had to deliver a message or it's not worth it to me and what had surfaced while running and was asking for an outlet was definitely worth exploring. It never dawned on me that I could get anything but drama. Part of the challenge was drawing elements from a bowl the night competition commenced that had to be in your film. So when I drew comedy you should have seen my face. It was as Mike, our photographer called it, shock. How could I deliver a message in comedy? The urban/big city I could do but comedy? Travis, my co-writer/editor/confidant and god sent angel and I sat down and got to work. From 7 pm or so till midnight we wrote, scouted locations, gave call times and came up with a dark comedy in part thanks to creative consultant Eric Schwartz aka Smooth-e. My concept did not get thrown out and in a mere few hours I grew as an actor knowing I would have to go somewhere I had never gone before as Veronica. We came up with a dark comedy about choosing what voices we adhere to in life. Veronica would react to the voices, who showed up in physical form, on her road trip through the streets of life, as perhaps some wish they could but never do. Or perhaps some have. I would have to be mean in a funny way and that itself was a win for me. The opportunity to deliver a message in a different way. It was to say the least, challenging but most of all fun! I had not had so much fun on a set in a long time. Blame in on the big Texas skies, the friendly cast and crew and their willingness to go wherever I took them through my vision and the over all ambiance but I knew on set I had a winner. It didn't matter if the judges saw one or not for I saw all the wins already. Guess who the actors were. Yes, the actors were from our Bearing Fruit auditions and in that I saw magic and a win. Timing as usual was everything and when all the elements aligned we finally worked together. The thought of that alone makes me smile. Thinking back on a year ago and how I had to let them all know I opted out of film option terms so I would no longer produce it. How it broke my heart but how standing up for my production and myself and not handing creative control over or sharing it under certain terms given made my decision easy and yet a loss of all the people I had put together. Yet here we were on God's time making magic. I've worked on a lot of sets from the small like mine, to the million dollar Dodge campaign were I met my northern star and yet I have never experienced a crew and actors like this. All of my experiences have something but this one, this one was magical. Perfectly timed and because of its magic two films were born. I trusted them so much I knew we could also do a drama version which would more clearly deliver the message that while the darkness can seem prominent it is indeed up to us to choose the light. To carry and heed to the voice that supports us. I don't consider this 48 hour journey's inability to produce a first, second, third place award a loss. I consider the timing of crossing paths with David Harper, Martha Prentiss, Chloe Kissner, Marco Martinez, Erika Martinez, Stephanie Kissner, Jerry Henderson, Lauren Pruitt, Roseann Garcia, DJ Veliz, Raymond Daniel, Melo, Mike Rushton and especially Travis McGehee a win if I have ever known one. I consider watching a female DP, Lauren, lead a crew with such grace and patience, a win if I ever saw one. I tried to hire as many women as possible before to support women in film, but talent must come first, and it hadn't worked out. Then here in Texas on its own and through the flow of the universe and guidance of God it did, and with it came a female AC. I could sit here and go on forever on wins. I did a retro film in the 60's, which I LOVE. I wrote a comedy. I wrote a comedy. Me? Queen of all things serious. Yes it was a dramedy but it was comedy. ;-) I proved to myself that what did not kill me did indeed make me stronger and that in a year I went from crying in my mom's home in Texas as I moved out of my LA apartment and came home for Christmas to coming to her home, filling it up with equipment, food, props, wardrobe etc. to make a film, almost a year later. In the room I slept in while I shot in San Antonio a few weeks ago, I had cried a year before while shooting my documentary. Questioning where it was all leading. Trying to stay positive while loosing my apartment, my commercial and film in one month. The same year my agent dropped me two months after my birth father passed, and he passed three months after Neil. I questioned how I would possibly get up and gather strength to move even saying to God during an extremely non-stop turbulent flight to Texas, "I'm really tired God, if you want to put me to sleep eternally, I'm so okay with that right now." I was accepting a will I thought would be his as the stewardess were asked to take their seats. I thought an end to the pain of true loss was coming. So I closed my eyes and leaned back and accepted what I thought was God's will. As I write that I can't believe where walking on faith took me and I am grateful I was wrong about God's will. Had I not chosen to hold on hope and stay in faith I would have stopped adhering to my belief that all is always as it should be and in my best interest for my growth as a spirit in a physical world. I would not have met the beauty of nature on town lake. I wouldn't have crossed paths with Desiree again. I would have not helped my mom set up her new shop and organize my sister's flower shop. Most of all I would not have taken a Road Trip with the Devil and lived to tell you about it. I would have not been able to follow my Northern Star and in the end believe in me like it did. I wouldn't have followed its light. Pink light. ;-) This will all make sense after the drama version sees the light in 2013. This was what was born in the film competition. So as I come down from the high of it all I see win after win after win and I do not need a panel of JUDGES to tell me if I'm a winner in life or not. The thing about life is that if we wait for others to validate us or our work we take from the journey that led us there. That's where it is at for me. No one, beside God and the universe, is ever going to know the depth of my journey and what it takes to make the impossible, possible. Which is why the constantly reward me by crossing my path with amazing I mean amazing souls! My friend Carlos worked diligently, while on tour in Europe, to get his friends Kristian and Shawn to donate music to my film. Indeed as Shawn sings below it's a beautiful life. One that allowed me to discover him and Kristian and many other talented souls willing to work as a team to make a dream come true. I am a blessed "looser", don't you think? May your journey allow you to see what a winner you are simply by having the desire to dream the impossible dream. Anything after that is icing on the cake. Oh and just in case your wondering, yes I would have liked to win the actual award but I'm grateful my journey for now is about knowing how win in other ways. This young man is our soundtrack to Road Trip with the Devil. His soulful voice will help deliver the message and if its not clear to me now than it never will be, all is as it should be. To hear more of Shawn visit www.shawnpander.com and to see where all this is headed, stayed tuned to the road trip.

The art of seeing with my heart. A place where endless possibilities reside.

It's the day of gratitude once again but I have to be honest and say I try as best as I can to live everyday in gratitude. As soon as I open my eyes I thank God for another day and continue to be thankful through out the day. So much Paco loves to mock me publicly on my fb about it. Ah childhood friends. ;-) If I listed all I'm grateful for this blog would never end. What is most present today is being grateful for the capacity to see with my heart. A place where endless possibilities reside. It's not easy to put into words but it is easy to follow my heART. The older I get, thirty-six gratitude filled years next week, the less I know and that is why seeing with my heart works for me. A year ago today I was on cloud nine. I had been given a thirty day notice to vacate my apartment but the day before Thanksgiving and two days after that notice I was hired as an actor for a six day San Francisco/Lake Tahoe Honda commercial shoot. The day before heading off and my birthday, November 29, I would be at my friend Jason's closing concert of his tour. The night before the show and the eve of my 35th my agent called that Honda had changed their mind and let me go. Although they had made it sound like the spot was dropped to ease the pain I would find out from my commercial husband, Kirk, that they did indeed shoot it. I had been replaced. Luckily for me they had to pay me one day as they had booked me. So there I was in the midst of sixteen years worth of belongings being packed, unemployed and without a home. Two weeks earlier I had opted not to extend the option on my production of two years, Bearing Fruit, so that was gone as well. I packed up as I had to be out by December 21. I gave away so much stuff and had like three or four yard sales. It was quite cleansing to let so much go. Especially after what the passing of Neil and my birth father taught me. While I did all the letting go I could feel in my heart that all was in my best interest so because of that ability I could see the beauty in everyday. Sure I cried a lot but I also had a blast at Jason's show. Especially when he sang happy birthday and said that lots of people had birthdays that day and went on to shout out his friend Adri. ;-) It was moments like that where I could feel the beauty through my heart. For every time my heart broke a crack was created that allowed the light to shine in and on. A light like Danielle and Cienna sitting with me on the living room floor. Something Pamela did too. Friends would just come by and shed light and I left my Christmas tree up till the end. Refusing to let all of it take my Christmas away. Through friends aka my LA family my heart shun so brightly. There are no words that could ever do justice to how grateful I am for their couches, guest bedrooms, home cooked meals etc. while I searched for a new home. In my heart I always knew today was coming so when LA no longer felt like home and all I could feel was the loss of Neil, my dad, my home of eleven years, my work etc. I decided to let go of the weight of it all or I knew I would be dragged. I packed my car, put the loveliest of ladies, Areli, in the passenger seat, let the movers take what few belongings I chose to keep and drove from LA to Austin. Today I woke to my first Thanksgiving here. My family in Monterrey has their kids in bilingual schools so they abide by our Holidays. They are here! I drove to San Antonio first thing this morning to be with them. I can't recall the last time I was here for what we call "el dia de gracias." Today I have so much to be grateful for but looking back to a year ago today I am grateful I trusted that my heart could see beyond what was unfolding. That I followed it. That I will hear my nephews laughter soon. That I will sit across from Veronica, my sister who always encourages me and never values me by my circumstances, and smile grateful that thanks to people like her I made it through. That next week the day before I step on a set again and my first retro production for a film competition I will turn 36. I am grateful my elementary school friend Desiree moved here in August and has been lighting my path towards the Road trip I'm about to take. I'm grateful my mom and I have been given the opportunity to strengthen our bond and discover each other as adults. I'm grateful for he who believed what I could be and do back at that small theater at the complex where he stood and awaited me outside later imploring me to go on, saying he awaited great things from me. I am grateful for he who saw the light/love in my eyes but let me go so I could be led here. Home. Every detour has led me to exactly where I was meant to be. Nothing is in vain and was/is as it should be. Most of all I am most humbled and grateful for the most unseen element in my life, which my heart constantly feels and I see in this realm through the timely signs. To you God I say thank you for always trusting me with so much and making me more than I ever imagine I can be. Beyond grateful for your trust in me!!! I am settled. I am home. I am grateful! To new beginnings and following my heART! May you have a gratitude filled LIFE! "Hold on, to me as we go. As we roll down this unfamiliar road and although this wave is stringing us along just know you’re not alone cause I’m going to make this place your home. Settle down, it'll all be clear.Don't pay no mind to the demons. They fill you with fear. The trouble it might drag you down. If you get lost, you can always be found." Open your heart and you'll be amazed what your eyes will see.

The art and yes perk of growing up a wallflower.

If you saw the art of being in its first run then you know what my childhood was like. Let's just say I did a lot of work in therapy to overcome all the name calling. And in high school I did what I could to fit in and be seen. So eventually I won a pageant, the thing to do in Texas, and quickly realized that is not the seen I longed for. Yet we grow up with everything being chosen for us and advertisers guiding us. Yes there are fabulous advertisers whose sites usually end in .gov or start with PBS but they are the ones less seen. The ones I discovered as an adult. So like the lead character in the Perks of being a wallflower I too stood on the sidelines, observed and like a sponge soaked it all in. Don't feel bad for me because it turned out to be my first acting tool, listening and observing, which led to being present. A must in my world of acting if I want the audience to feel what I feel. Throwing out lines is good for some but if I can't make you feel my sadness or joy I have not done my job. So as I grew from a wallflower into a centerflower I picked up a few things along the way. You probably already know this but the person picking on you is in a lot of pain and yes misery loves company. I read back on some of my journals and I was depressed because I didn't know then that I had a choice or a voice. I just simply wanted to fit in and yet like you I was created to stand out. In junior high I wore a tie. Or leggings with bike shorts spandex, knee high boots, a blouse and red lips. It was in 9th grade that my love of style was being born. Prior to that year I wore NKOTB shirts everyday. A different one in support of the love I felt for the fab five men from Boston who awarded me with solace. Wait you were their favorite girl too? And cover girl? Well... My bully didn't like my shirts. She made sure she would point it out to me whenever possible. As one of the main cheerleaders in our junior high I can now conclude it may have been more like perhaps she didn't like that I was born like Gumby, flexible. While I never made the cheer leading squad, too shy then and not loue enough, I was the lead reindeer in the Christmas dance performance. Lead dork reindeer to her. I've reconnected with a lot of junior high and high school friends. Mostly pleasant experiences. Ceci email telling me how happy she was for me that I got out and did what I was saying I would since junior high was a comfort that I had indeed followed my heART. Inevitably my bully showed up as "someone you may know" on facebook. It was interesting but it made my stomach churn. Memories came rushing back of her insistance of trying to make me feel unworthy. I now know at thirty-five that she felt inadequate. Projected onto me. Something we all do at one point or another, project that is not bully. ;-) I remember getting to high school and not having a single friend. Not long after I won a pageant and all of the sudden walking into building B was accessible and yet I no longer wanted to. The first day of high school Desiree, whom I've known since elementary, looked at me admitting neither one of us had friends or a car so while trying to hide the fact that we had to walk, we did. She reminded me of this the other day when we chatted at her house in Austin. She has been a huge blessing in Austin and has not only help make this new beginning transition smoother but constantly lights the path. Some people come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. The season people may come to water you and help you grow. The reason people may show up and dry you out to show you just how strong your roots are regardless of lack of showers of love. The lifetime people they water you, care for you in your drought, help you strengthen your roots and stand aside and let you bask in the sunlight when the time comes. The great thing about the lifetime people is they are willing to repeat this with you over and over as the seasons change. Till your lifetime people arrive find comfort in the perks of being a wallflower. Like me you may be blessed to witness so much you will understand that self care is the way to lifetime people and that your seed will turn into a flower if you plant your roots in love. Forgetting the teasing of the t-shirts or anything else that made them feel I held individuality. After all the greatest feeling and success for me comes in blooming into a flower like no other. A rare flower never seen. A wallflower that found its way to centerstage thanks in part to the people who not only made fun of my t-shirts but the girl who tried to beat me up because she thought I liked her boyfriend, or the girl that threatened me everyday in high school at my locker or the man who called me a bitch everytime he saw me. To them I say thank you for helping me find my voice, plant my roots in safe grounds and truly know what a gift it was to not be seen by you. On that path you taught me that I had to be my own hero, bask in my own light. May you find your heroism too. BE YOUR OWN KING ON YOUR OWN TERMS! ;-)

The sounds of my healing.

This past week I previewed the documentary with a few people. My friend Jennifer sent me such a beautiful raw email it compelled me to tell her all about the music that got me through the growth. I am no stranger to the ways in which God communicates with me. A timely song, a movie, the words of friend, and a perfect hike are all ways in which I can clearly hear someone I can't see communicate with me. So in 2011 when it all started to shift the moment I heard this song tears filled my eyes as I could see how God was asking me to do something we all do without a second thought. However now I would be required to work on it. To truly breathe so I could get through this. So I did just that and before I knew someone sang a song at a friend's brunch and there was God, my dad, Neil, grandpa and all my angels saying we got you. We will rescue you when you feel you need it and it's okay to feel like you need to be rescued. More than anything I felt God was telling me to let go of my superwoman complex. That everyone needs to be rescued once in a while. So I let go and allowed myself to be rescued in the words of a friend. With the seasons changing came the strength I thought I would never acquire again. It gave me the ability to pack up my place, put in storage and go home for Christmas and when I went back to Los Angeles I pounded the streets of Los Feliz with the song blaring in my ears as I took walks building up strength for what was coming. I had finally started to grow stronger. This strength that took me through four months of uncertainity in Los Angeles redirected me Austin and with it I made a drive across the states back to the place that had given me one of the greatest gifts, my art. Here I began to do what I had not been able to since Neil transitioned. I started to run again and loose myself in the beauty of town lake and I could clearly hear God telling me that I was indeed once again a strong fighter. As I struggled to keep up the good fight and not become a victim of the current circumstances and people's lack of self love being projected onto me I had to go somewhere I am not comfortable going. I had to get angry. The good kind of angry. The angry that allowed me to see that my chosen father was right with a boot pressed up against my neck I would not be able to do all of the above. That if 2011 had not made me a victim of circumstance than there was no way I would let the words of fear embodied by those I love and thrown my way on a daily basis to get the best part of me. They where not going to break my soul with their sticks and stones in form the form of fear. Knowing this led me to cross path with a man who did what no one had during this shift I and many people have been living in different forms. He looked me in the eye without an ounce of poor you and told me that I had allowed myself to become I victim and that with him I was there to push past the pain. He cuts me no slack and if he feels sorry for me doesn't show it. I needed that. The only way I could get to this place today and not be destroyed was by breathing, being rescued, growing stronger, keeping up the fight, and being ready to fight back and not let anyone or anything take the best part of me, my soul. Music is amazing! No words can truly capture my gratitude for how it always gently guides me into the light. This caterpillar will emerge on God's time when the season is right. In my heart I know the current man in my life is the final piece of the puzzle not so gently but necessarily guiding me back to myself and into the what next. I needed to be here just as I am to be able to understand and accept the crossing of my path with his. A minute to soon and I may have given up. I can clearly see how all my yesterdays where guiding me into today. May you find the meaning in your journey and the ability to...

As I prepare to rise...

I see clearly what is happening. I see how God is working, its magic, as usual, so that I can come out on the other side becoming more than I thought I could be. I kept hearing that I needed to sign up for something. There was a part of my life that had been unattended but I attributed to not having time, funds or whatever excuse I told myself to not face the fear of how weak this may prove me to be if I stepped into it. What has come up a lot and you will see in the documentary is, balance. I believe I strive to strike a balance between my spiritual side and my human being side. Sometimes as I have learned the balance gets thrown off and it takes the clear signs from God and the universe to show me that I need to even the scales to get me to the place I need to in order to work through whatever needs balance restored. This time it took some unexpected experiences and some inspiration from the most unlikely of places to focus on striking a balance. You may not picture me as a girl who would not only fall in love with Snow White and the Huntsmen but be also be inspired by it but I am. Any story that includes the light being born of the darkness is definitely for me. Not matter how long you try and hide the light up in a tower it will prevail. Or in a cell.So add the recent Batman to my inspiration. Elizabeth the Golden Age and even Katy Perry's documentary are also sources of inspiration to approach the beautifield of life after all I have been through. I never knew how powerful those words were till recently. It was in watching the leaves fall at zilker botanical gardens that I realized just how much re-telling the story had affected certain parts of my life. It became apparent how much I struggled to let go of 2011 and it wasn't till I crossed paths with a particular man that I realized I'd made myself a victim of it. Not in all ways of course as my documentary will showcase but in this particular way, which I will some day reveal and which he forms a part of. When he looked me in the eyes and said "okay so you let your _____ become a victim of it. Time to move on and push through the fears", I knew exactly what God was doing. I had felt a gut instinct recently that the rise is nearing and the signs confirmed it. Something that may only make sense to me but logically as we know by law of gravity what goes down must come up. What I know goes beyond logic. It was in watching a rough cut of my doc that I saw so clearly what I could not process as well when I lived it as I can now. The darkness as I call it, had shown up repeatedly to test me as I already knew. That is why each time no matter how defeated I may have felt or allowed my spirit to feel I got up. What I wasn't making then is a connection I can clearly see now. In order to be ready to move forward I must be ready and do what is asked of me. This time I must connect mind, body and spirit. One of which had been left out for quite a while. If I want to take flight as high as I am being asked to I must train. I can't just expect to get up and take such altitudes without preparation. So when he yells at me "Don't stop Adriana. I don't care if you have to pace yourself but don't ever stop." I can clearly connect it all. I also know that if I stopped and fell he'd be the first to catch me, which is why I secretly smile when he says, "Good I expected you to puke. Puke on them and move on. Don't stop. You are here to push past the pain. You are not a victim." I smile because I clearly see the light and hear God. So from fear I am rising. I am growing in a new direction while a connection is being made. I am rising from all I have lost to all I am have been and will continue to gain due to the loss and space created. As I ask myself "who I am living for/", I know the answer is you, me and the human spirit. Now I get that my body nor my mind will keep me from being ready for the flight. As my chosen father reminds me, retreat mija yes but only to come back stronger, and so the preparation continues.

Breaking the pattern. Let it begin with me.

Nietzsche was quoted as having said "Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one." I am very aware that I am neither a saint nor perfect, which is why I too can become a monster if I choose ego over love. My ability to stand firmly in my belief that love is the answer has been severely tested in the past few months and yet love prevailed. I grew up with verbal abuse but I was too used to it to know how to stop being the target. In my teenage years being told I was ugly was such a part of my life it became normal and ultimately my truth. I was too young to understand that people project their self talk onto others and that I shouldn't take it personal. Flash forward to today and I have the tools to break the pattern. Tools that for two months straight I chose to keep in their box. I kept telling myself that they needed me and that their attacks on my looks and character weren't personal. However the day I looked in the mirror and called myself ugly I knew I could no longer pretend their verbal abuse was water off a duck's back. What I had at thirty-five that I didn't as a child was awareness. I also have a recovery program called Al Anon and an amazing support group that understands and can genuinely identify with what I am growing through. I had made a decision to not reach out but the moment had finally come. I had to take my ten years of Al Anon and four of therapy and apply them. If I chose to stay silent I would be the only one who would pay the price. You see when someone is in denial that they have a disease they are also in denial that their way of communicating is negative and verbal abuse. I understand I can not make anyone see something from my perspective but I also know I can't stand in the crossfire and wonder how I got hit. The time had come to break the pattern and to let it begin with me. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I stood up to my bully. I want nothing more than to get along but not at the expense of my well being. Even if it breaks my heart. Yet I knew I had to be strong or they would all over again take the best part of me as I was slowly allowing them too. It's not the first and maybe not the last time someone won't accept me just as I am but I love me just as I am. As hard as I tried to not be affected by the attacks on my character calling me a looser/mooch and told to f off, it saddened me. What truly saddened wasn't the name calling but that having the ability to go there means not only that they are caught up in their disease but that they have allowed the darkness to embody them. My program has taught me that all I can do is trust that my higher power, God, is taking care of them too. I trust so much I have made a painful yet necessary decision to not speak to them till they are sober. Breaking a behavioral pattern of any kind requires faith and courage and I summoned it. This doesn't mean I don't love them. On the contrary. I don't like their actions but I love them enough to know making this decision will help them more in the long run than me standing as a willing target in the crossfire of verbal abuse. In the end I thank them because when my self love was put to the test I ended passing, even if it took longer than I hoped. There's something I have to say to you darkness. It breaks my heart that they allow you to embody them but you should know, you never win. In the end the light prevails! I love me and you can't change that no matter how hard you try. I love you for making me the woman I am today. Without I wouldn't know the value of the light. I'm lovely! Just as I am. To my chosen father thank you for reminding me that I can't breathe with a boot positioned on my neck. To my chosen brother thank you for being there the day the storm hit and to my sponsor thank you for always listening. To all of you thank you for seeing me so BEAUTIFULLY!