On my way....

As 2011 comes to a close it has become so clear to me what "Off to see the world" means to me. Often I get signs and I am clear in that moment of what they are pointing to and sometimes it takes a little while for them to become clear. I am passionate about one thing, uniting humanity. Something obviously I am sure selling cars through an ad would not have accomplished. Its in times like that I realize God really has my back, knows me better than anyone and well decided that because it loves me so much it had to send me on my way.

The way being one that once again lines up with my principles and beliefs. What is being born of this current transition is really more than I dreamt once again. A week ago I told a handful of friends to keep me in their prayers and gave them an idea of what I was going to be doing for the next month. I tend to only tell people I trust will not talk me out of it or think me crazy. At least not to my face. ;-) All I really need right now is unconditional love and prayers, light, or whatever they believe will fill me with the strength, faith and courage to begin yet again another journey through uncharted territory.

As I've been in Texas and a little prior to leaving Los Angeles I began to see one thing was happening. I was crossing paths with "strangers" who had stories to share with me not much unlike mine. At first I thought it God's way of telling me I was not alone but sure enough in due time it became clear what I was to do and the what next everyone questions began to unfold before my eyes. It is something only completely clear to me and something that is going to require a lot of faith but I am certain that once again I am on MY way. Not the way I solely want but the way were God and I can co create yet again the life of my dreams, a life with purpose where my art and my passion for humanity blend together once more. Should I cross paths with you "I would like to reach out my hand. I would like to hold my little hand" in yours. Thank you God for giving me the awareness to commence 2012 in an Entirely New Direction and allow this new era to send me on my way. I am IMMENSELY GRATEFUL for the magic that is unfolding before my eyes.

Time to DANCE and only you know what that fully means. I like it that way. <3

I thought I knew....

I thought I knew what was important in life and that I abided by those beliefs. While I did, this year has taught me even more what truly matters. When Neil passed I remember sitting in my office and wanting to throw everything at the walls, thinking none of this matters. It was my anger wanting to express itself. That was just the beginning of this roller coaster past year and one of the toughest of my life yet also something that had to happen to allow me to arrive at my current destination, wide open spaces, the home of ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES. "Now she won't be coming back with the rest. If these are life's lessons she'll take this test."


What helped tremendously was music! Of one thing I am certain, I was born to dance. I hear music and that is the first thing my body guided by my soul is inclined to do. Music has tremendous healing power. It made 2011's constant detours danceable and as January started with the passing of my father it taught me that I can in due time GROW "A little bit stronger. Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger." Something February brought with it and it gave me the courage to return to therapy.


As March approached the sun began to make its way back into my life and as April brought its showers with it I was rescued in through the words of a friend and heard Neil and my dad once again.


And as the year proceeded to present me with amazing character building lessons I was reminded to breathe by more friends and their gifts which they shared with me, my film and the world.


It was in breathing that I gathered the strength to fly once more. Yet it was in the flying that I realized I wasn't quite ready to soar as I intended to. Perhaps to what needed attention was the direction of my flight. I learned the detour was to allow me to go in the direction of my dreams yet again. The ones that scare me because they are so GRAND yet the ones all these detours were obviously informing me it was time to LIVE!


While I took to resting once again I eventually rose from what I was returned to, my foundation. In words others tried to make me them with their projections and in and through LOVE I made the decision to rise even if I had to "against" the wind. I don't ever truly believe anything is against us. <3


And when I was brought down to my knees once again..."But there's just something so STRONG (God) somewhere inside me. I am down but I will get up again! I AM NOT TAKING MY BOW. YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME."


Time brought with it the light, which shined brighter than the sun. It was the balsam of 2011, which always slowly yet powerfully shed light in the current darkness. "Who am I to tell FATE where its supposed to go?"


Eventually with patience, time and loving care I allowed my path to lead me to a place where the streets where unknown to me. My current destination where my heart breathes once more and a new era commences.


And as I arrived there I realized I was beginning to feel alive again after these constant detours because God was with me every step of the way! My constant companion whom I could never give up because I know He/She, lover of its creations, would NOT give up on me. It actually relied on me to get it, where the detours were guiding, so I could live the LIFE OF MY DREAMS and so the new chapter begins. I need not know what you are exactly! All I need to know is that I see you, feel you, hear you and I am you. Knowing that you are ALWAYS with me in one way or another, through a song, a "chance" encounter, a timely word, is all I need to rely on you. I see you in my heart everyday. You truly are magical! Unseen to the eye but seen to the OPEN heart.


It was that faith that allowed me to accept that I continue to grow only if I allow myself to falter and accept what is because it is in that acceptance some label defeat that I was able to allow God to raise me up to more than I can be! To what God not only has prepared me for but knows I deserve. The time has come to claim that new era. I hear you! Three times in a row, three different artists on Pandora reminding me you raise me up!


So with all these songs as my companions I leave 2011 and enter a new life where all I have dreamed of and more awaits. I walk away with immense gratitude for this partial list of healers and for their ability through their gift to allow me to give birth to mine. To allow me to let go of what I thought I knew and grow towards what I was created to gift the world with. To follow the detoured path to my DESTINY! Most of all I walk away with the greatest gift of all, finding "LOVE in a "hopeless" place"! May LOVE be your constant companion shedding light while you steer your way through the tunnels into the BRIGHTEST light of all, your DREAM becoming your REALITY! Let's dance in the rain!

Till we cross paths again your in God's hands. I love you. <3

The journey back to my wings!

It's been quite the past few weeks and it's finally over. Tomorrow as I head to my last audition before heading to Texas for Christmas I close the door on this era figuratively and literally. I will leave my keys on the counter say one final prayer of gratitude for all this beautiful home gifted me for the past eleven years, open the door and step into the unknown. A friend reminded me recently in her words that there is a lot of world to see outside my door so as usual I am going to wait for the sign and allow God and the universe to guide into the what next. Standing in the hallway means the next few weeks may get a little dark but I am no stranger to the darkness and I am also no stranger to the flashlights that appear on time to shed light through the unknown through their words and actions.

I can definitely say that last night as I heard the following song my heart filled with hope.

The lyrics ignited such a fire of hope within me reminding me of all I have yet to live and am about to live. Of all the signs have been pointing to. I know I say it often but its truly magical. I had to "loose" it ALL to gain this and I would do it all over again just as I had to in order to get to where I am going. A place where the streets are new to me, where the sun will rise, and my heart will breathe again. I will smile and laugh like I always have and more. I am ready, I claimed it, I created it and I will embrace it all. The time has come. I have made my journey back to my wings. I leave the weight of the past where it belongs and go forth and prosper. I will live my dreams and then some. I leave room for God to exceed my expectations and I am open to what life has for me. I AM HOPE!

I am so grateful for the ability to learn what truly matters on this journey back to my wings. I am grateful for every thing this past brought and took. I am grateful for my tears, my cries, my laughs, my disapppoinments, my hopes, my dreams, my detours, my love for myself, my love for life and you and my ability to never stop believing that the reason behind every journey and its lessons does eventually reveal itself. I feel the sunlight on my face again. I will embrace it, I will no longer fear that it will disappear too soon. I will simply enjoy it while its present. I will stay present. I am ready. I am ready!!!

Off to see the world I go as there is quite a lot of world to see. I travel lighter now as LOVE is all I need. I travel through and into the unknown to face myself, God, the universe and its magic. I fly. I fly because I believe I can and because you have faith in me. I will soar once more. I will let Neil, my dad and other angels be the air that lifts me beyond my expectations. I will be the woman I came to be. I will dream aloud everyday more and more. I will share with you like I always have this journey back to my wings. It's time. Once again I can fly so off I go........

God this one if for you! Thank you for doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. Thank you for giving me the strength and faith to take the leap of faith. Thank you for the light and its timing. I AM BLESSED! I AM GRATEFUL! I AM READY! MY WINGS ARE BACK! "I get wings to fly, I'm alive!" Show me your world! I am ready for you here on Earth through the light. I deserve it. I am worthy. ;-) THANK YOU FOR CALLING ON ME AND TRUSTING ME SO MUCH!

The treasures of my past. The gifts born of the present.

There is such sweet taste in a perfectly timed song, email or any sort of blessing that I call a God shot, which comes to reaffirm what you believe in your darkest hour. It was Joseph Campbell that said "The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed." My mentor of my first production shared those words and I brought them to life as what had been a really dark time brought a beautiful dawn. I wish I could say that I never look to the past but I believe it is human to do so. What I work hard at doing is not staying there overnight. A quick visit brings with it what is necessary and than I depart with gratitude as I did today after recalling the words of Paul Cotter as he quoted Mr. Campbell. I speak names as I am at peace with the past. Nice to know the love I feel now is so different. Hope you are at peace with our past too. I truly do.

The past has been very present for almost the last thirty days because I have been packing it up. As I type this I am staring at it and multi tasking. You would too if the double feature tonight in your house was Pride and Prejudice followed by The Notebook. Thank you Oxygen. I may still have to pack and you tube while I type in between commercial breaks but I can do it all. Actually that has been something that I have been working hard as well to understand I don't have to be, my own hero twenty-four seven. This "abrupt" change i.e. move has provided me the opportunity to be well less stubborn. Trust me I know I am. Sometimes it's good and sometimes not so good. I told Jake to forget it that I would dismantle my bed on my own today. Luckily he didn't listen to me and came over anyway. As he worked I looked at him and realized I will miss going over to ask him for a favor, or how he is, or who he's dating. Maybe chat about Gaby our friend and his client and her latest success. I will miss going next door. He is one of the coolest guys I know. A treasure of my past/present, ten years and counting, for sure. He's like a brother and in eachother we found the family that distance has not allowed us to be near. Ladies this is him working hard today. He's lovely and single. Just saying. After this he may kick me but hey I would love to see him happily in love.


As he worked he posed a question that triggered so much for me. He asked "If you have to move why not move back home?" Home. As I answered him in complete honesty I finished by saying, "I am home." I know that change scares people and change that you did not take the initiative on scares them more. Me, well this is the kind of change I have come to understand is done to help you move towards and into what you deserve but were too scared to take the leap of faith. I guess I didn't realize I was until thirty days go. Those almost thirty days have brought such great teachers with lessons that reminded me why sometimes I want to head towards wide open spaces and have room for big mistakes but at least know I tried to live for me and my heart while being aware that my actions have a chain reaction. That has been a treasure of my past that reappeared to show me how far I've come and have yet to go.

I can honestly say some encounters teach me how not be mean or rude and respond with what I was given. They are teachers of patience whose lessons come in the choice of words spoken by others. I do know nothing is personal but when those who I am bound to by blood express themselves as if I am to hold value based on things I don't believe in than I can definitely say it's PATIENCE I am to learn....yet again...still..after all these years. ;-) Instead of a tatoo I opted to change it whenever it feels right to do so to accompany my current lesson.

Right now would be a good time to express gratitude to my old self for allowing me to defend myself without anger or hatred simply my view. A view so unlike those whose words seemed insensitive and one I always try hard not to impose on anyone while expressing it.

I've packed up pictures, all sorts of belongings which allowed me to rediscover some treasures all while I laughed and cried. Mostly laughed at this, which is so surreal in a way. I used to kiss his pin goodnight when I was like 32. Just kidding, 12.

After I packed that up I packed this up and was reminded of all the fun Paul Jones gifted me with in our short time together. I love creative made gifts. You can't buy me. ;-) He stole my heart with this. The sixth New Kid who now finds himself in a box with his band mates.


The treasures of packing are endless. Pictures of me and my former bestfriend. We were bestfriends for fourteen years up until a year ago when our paths diverged and we chose different routes but memories of all we have lived came rushing back as I stared at pictures. She was twenty-seven when we met and I was nineteen. She has two beautiful children now and lives in a world so different than the one I chose. I am so grateful for all we lived and will forever hold her and our fun, goofy times together in my heart. I have no doubt she does too. She, Paul (Rodriguez- I know too many Paul's!) and many others are now boxed up and it gives me such joy to look up and see how well I was able to embrace the treasures of my past and let a lot of them go. Danielle and Cienna helped me pack. Okay more like Cienna cried, she's seven months, and Danielle and I packed and Danielle was so surprised at how easy it was for me to let go of things that reminded me people, places and things that I am well aware will prevent me from moving forward into what I deserve. Even cds with pictures were thrown out. Into the recycle bin of course. ;-)

There are so many gifts being born of this present I don't want to block their arrival with the weight of my past, figuratively and literally, being carried by me. I realize that for those who love me this transition is scary. Some aren't close enough to see its magic unfold and quite frankly maybe only I can see the magic in this darkness. After all I am the one walking this tunnel. No one else. I trust it. All of it. Some days its hard simply because I am tired but I still trust. I believe whole heartily that when you do then you are ensuring yourself that MAGIC will show up. That miracles will appear on time which is why this gift of my present from Jessica was a timely God sent text reaffirming my faith in miracles.


Then of course there are the gifts of all the friends who have volunteered to show up and help. Bev, Pamela, Danielle, Cienna, Jake, Ruben, James and Areli have done so much in such a brief period that I can without a doubt say God has my back and sent in its angels. Then there is the friend whose timely words never fail to put a smile on my face when I feel like just for that moment I may not have it in me. Whose light shines my light so that I can keep going and keep doing what I am doing while I find my way yet again through this....


One who sees me as I see me and reminds me that it is more than okay for me to believe in the miracle I am living my way into, which even if I can not see it yet I trust is unfolding before my eyes right on time, just in time, God's time. The day their words gave me strength to move forward I got in the car with Zoey and headed to our annual girl's night Christmas Celebration at the Grove and the following song came on the radio. It reminded me of how far I come and how "I never said I was a victim of circumstance" but I do claim to continue to be a dreamer and follow them despite them not being what others had hoped for me. That I do take credit for because well it's my life and in my view of that life the manifestation of my dreams exceeds them. <3


Perhaps what scares some the most is that while I am not certain where I will land after this leap of faith prompted by God and the universe and accepted by yours truly I trust the net will appear and I will land where I have to in order to continue to live in the moment, live my dreams and manifest my destiny. Wherever I need to be for this new era that is being born I will be. To the treasures of my past, which packing lightly has allowed me revisit I am grateful for the past thirty-five years. You were ALL so good to me and I wouldn't change a thing! No regrets. To the gifts of the present thank you for choosing to keep living in the moment with me. To be so good to me and to allow me to show up as I am. A flying acrobat coming in for a landing sometime soon hoping for a perfect one but knowing if it isn't you'll catch me if I fall. What a Christmas gift you all are. May your past allow you to see what a gift today, this Christmas and every breath of every moment is. Happy Holidays! LIVE for this moment! Thank you for reminding me that with peace in my mind and soul I AM ALREADY HOME! <3

On God's time.

There are so many valuable lessons that I am grateful to be aware of everyday but the most significant one these days is that of the magic born in allowing things to unfold on God's time. Unlike my sibling and other family members, whose decision I respect, I chose to mourn the loss of my father. Part of the process was coming face to face with a lot of information. The "truth" was revealed in his passing. When I was little I was haunted by these lyrics, "a man can tell a thousand lies", and everytime I saw the video I thought of my father. Reading the lyrics as an adult was truly eerie as it is my father as I perceived him.

"I was not ready for the fall. I know where beauty lives. I've seen it once, I know the warm she gives. The light that you could never see. It shines inside, you can't take that from me." "If I ran away I wouldn't have the strength to go very far." So I didn't. I faced my reality instead.


I believe it a waste of time to sit here and tell you about all the lies and his mistakes so I have no secrets to tell. Quite frankly we'd be here all day and into the next. He was a soul who no matter how he tried he just couldn't get it right. I am not even sure he tried. Only he knows that. He led a very complicated life, which was a reflection of his very complicated childhood. One I wish upon no one and one unfortunately he passed on as he journeyed through life. People are what they know and do as they know if they don't find a way to break a pattern. This is the part where I am usually reminded by someone that he was the evil. I will give you this, the man was sick and needed help. Help he did not get but he still needed to exist in order for me to exist this time around as Adriana Garza. I am after all my father's daughter. It took more than just one person and God and the universe for me to come into existence. While I am well aware of this I am also well aware of the pain he caused many. He had twelve children and died alone with only one speaking to him at the time so as you can see he did unto himself as he had done to others.

While he was not in my life I had forgiven him and had a lovely chat with him about it. One of the most difficult things in my life yet a definite answered prayer. Little did I know that conversation would pale in comparison to what I choose to do this past weekend. It had taken me twenty-four years to be able to GENUINELY forgive him. When he passed in January I tried to get to his funeral. To go see his other kids. To find some sort of closure. None of it was unfolding. I pushed and eventually surrendered to God and the ways of the universe trusting that it just wasn't time.

This past weekend as I visited family in Mexico effortlessly a dream I held in my heart came to life. I met his daughter, the only one speaking to him, at his old apartment where he passed and she gave me some of his ashes. Holding my father in my hand that way was one of the most surreal experiences ever. I never really truly knew if I'd see him again but when I dreamt that I would it was never as ashes in my hand and yet I trust God's plan. I starred at him and asked her questions. I asked her if he had shared delight with her about speaking to me a few years back. I asked when he was born. How he was found dead. What he wore. Where my three younger sisters are. How old their mom is and in all these questions I confirmed rumors and finally got to see my father through his daughter's eyes. One that had been a part of his life.

Some truth is harsh and holds no comfort so for me it all came down to what I truly believe is so crucial in this existence, FORGIVENESS. I simply can not be angry. It just isn't part of me organically so why force myself to feel that which I don;t and that which consumes those I care for deeply whose words try to sway me into their anger. Only he will know the "truth" to a lot but I will always be grateful that he chose my mom and that together they gave me the gift of life. I am grateful that aside from some physical resemblance, my eyes, I am nothing like him. I am in awe of what a miracle that is. I truly am nothing like him. Yet I love him. I wish deeply that I could have loved him back to health but if my thirty-five years have taught me anything it's that you can't help those who don't want to help themselves. Some things simply are what they are.

I shall seek no more. I have been led to the destination of this journey that for thirty-five years I held within, the search for my father. All is as it should be. I will let him go be light wherever he is now and I will go on and shine mine here with you. I will tell his grandchildren the truth about him as I perceive it. He did not receive love and therefore could not be love. That he chose to be a victim of circumstance and that I did not which is why I crossed paths with their father but that it took a lot of work. I will marry the man I know my father, his life and the journey it led me on prepared me for. I will marry unconditional love that is present and available to create and guide ours. I will join in union with what I deserve and all that my father could not give, on God's time. Till God's time arrives I will reside in the heart of the matter, Forgiveness. "You keep carrying that anger it will eat you up inside."
Dios te acompane siempre papa, Te quiero! Nana. ;-)

P.S. Dad I know it wasn't personal. Thanks for what is unfolding. MAGIC. May God hold you close now. Goodbye. It's time to let go. It's time to LIVE in LOVE and RESIDE there, where I deserve to. It's time to wake up to my life again and break my pattern! I trust you understand.

Calling all my angels.

I am tired to say the least. I woke this morning feeling like I wanted someone else to do all I have to get done by the twenty-first. Not unlike any other day I have a headache and bodyache. The latter is due to the huge entertainment center I moved on my own yesterday. Probably the couches too and all the boxes, tvs etc. One thing is certain I own too much for one person. So it's been a great cleansing process. Sure the timing isn't that great but as usual it's always God's time. I am certain no matter how hard today may make it to hold on to this belief, that great magical things are being born of this transition, I still BELIEVE.

Yesterday morning I had the opportunity to take a walk. I have to allow myself somedays. Today I have to take all my treasures i.e. awards, gowns, Hepburn memorabilia, press originals etc. to their new home so I can walk or blog. Blog it is. However yesterday on my walk I decided to listen to something other than Buble's Christmas album, which I am currently obsessed with. His rendition of "All I want for Christmas is you", is AMAZING. So melancholic and romantic. Anyway yesterday as I walked my neighbohood for what is one of the last times and conversed with God while admiring the beauty of nature I realized I needed something so relaxing and reassuring. A break from all the sixteens years of my life that are being put into boxes, given to Goodwill, sold to Amoeba, etc. I needed my angels to guide me and so they did.

As I walked I listened to an amazing song which reassured me that all is as it should be. Is it as I want? Absolutely not. I wanted to go to San Francisco all year, planned it twice and finally would with the Honda ad only to have that and my home gone within the same week. I want to be able to look forward to my family's posada in Mexico as I am attending for the first time this week and yet all I can think of is all I have to when I return. I want to be able to look forward to Christmas at home but I know that it will consist of questions already being asked of me everyday denying me the opportunity to live my way into the answers and trying to force answers out of me on their time.

So I must breathe, let go, surrender to what is and not what I wish was and remember that no matter what this appears like to ANYONE, God is with me every minute of every hour of every day and if I have the capacity to move beyond these aches it is because God grants me the strength to weather the storm and promises me the rainbow will so be worth it. I have lived this before. Not quite so much loss in one year alone but all this means is the space I have created is IMMENSE and so will be the gifts born of my faith. I am rebuilding from my foundation and looking forward to bringing my quote of the day to life, "The old woman I shall become will be quite different from the woman I am now. Another I is beginning."

Till I reach my destination I soldier on with friends and angels guiding the way. For them as usual I am beyond grateful! I remember that this too shall pass and that every problem has a solution and I am finding them as best as I can everyday while remaining open to the miracles I am being prepared for and that is why some answers take time. ;-) I blog to speak from the heart not to sell anything to anyone. I blog to let you know that like you I feel all kinds of emotions, so for today I ask for your prayers. Please send me all the love you can to help me continue to gather the strength I need to move forward. For now as usual I have to get going about my day trusting that my angels are answering my call. There is magic in my circumstances and I am open to receiving. Most of all I am open to God's time! This is the gift that kept me present in my walk yesterday. May you stay present to the gift that is TODAY.

P.S. Please don't worry for me. It's interesting to see some of my friend's reaction to when I am tired. All of us get tired. Having faith does not mean not processing emotion. I do not and will not deny myself the feelings that come with my transition but I will also not be a victim of them. I will simply, acknowledge, process them and move forward. Without human emotion there is no human connection and I love knowing that I AM YOU!

Traveling light thru the unknown.

Just when I thought I had done enough work this year in the practice of surrendering and letting go I was asked to dig deeper, actually tear down completely, return to my foundation and rebuild. This was something I have fond memories of as I did this as well in 2004. It started then and the path it was leading to became apparent in 2006. Its journey there consisted of me spending the summer of 2005 in bed morning the loss of my grandfather which was preceded by the loss of my first therapist, Janet. One of the classiest women I ever crossed paths with. I remember so vividly the day in September of 2005 when I decided I had enough of just laying in bed. I exclaimed to God and the universe this week I will book a commercial. I did. I booked the Bank of America spot. My last residual commercial to air. UNICEF did not pay nor would I accept money and as we all know Burger King, Dodge and Reddi Wip did not air. This is the last time I type that story because a new one is commencing!

I did this to myself. What I mean is I asked for it. I didn't ask for Neil or my dad to go into another realm and that loss is different that what I am talk about when I say letting go. I did however ask after Neil's passing last year that I be guided elsewhere as I am tired of the scenery of where I live. I am grateful for it and its beautiful but I knew a change needed to take place. Neil's passing reminded of what is truly important and how in one instance everything can change so DRASTICALLY. So when I spoke it I claimed it. All of it! From continuing to struggle to get a commercial that airs and brings in residuals to moving. I didn't expect this move to be so abrupt and sudden but if I really look at all that is happening it isn't. Sure I have to be out by the 21st but I asked for this in October of 2010. Twice I was given the opportunity to go and I refused to take it so when I didn't do what was meant for me the universe guided by God did it for me right on time.

It was followed by booking a big Honda commercial which shot up North and then within five days and the eve of my 35th I got the call that Honda pulled my spot from the campaign. I could hear the sadness in my agent's voice as most people know of all the loss I have endured this year. As soon as I got off the phone I was at a loss for words. The packed suitcase in my trunk for the day after San Diego would stay there. There would be no need to rush back and catch a flight. There would still be one paycheck as I was officially hired but yet again residuals were gone. We make our money based on how much a commercial airs. This campaign was big to say the least. I guess the beauty in the mess is that I booked it and they made me work for it. They kept me for two hours at the final call and made me audition three times. We usually audition once, get a callback, get put on avail or are booked. I auditioned once, got a callback, got a second callback, was there for two hours, was put on avail an hour after leaving and was hired by the next evening. I considered a gift born of the space the loss of my home had created. I began to mentally plan what this meant I could do in January etc.

Within five days that plan fell apart. So I guess that old saying about wanting to make God laugh then we should make plans is true. However I don't believe for one minute that God is laughing. God is simply protecting me as I believe rejection is protection. In any area of our life. With awareness we can see this and that is one gift born of my journeys that I am most grateful for, awareness. I know there is a plan here and it has been echoed in the words of my friends. I was so afraid of telling everyone as I thought they would pity me and not be able to see what is happening and while they all believe the circumstance isn't the most pleasant it is what it is and their words warmed my somewhat broken heart. After all how much loss do I need for what is arriving? Apparently a lot. ;-)

I was so surprised by what Vince said to me as he is like my brother and Cole like my sister. She was the first person I told and that gave me the courage to tell Vince I would not be heading out to San Francisco the next day after all. He replied, "You more than anyone know everything happens for a reason." I smiled and then got teary eyed and we continued to talk. I told him I just wanted to leave everything behind and go to Paris and he told me not to go crazy. Such an older brother thing to say. Can't help but wonder what Neil would say. Then I told Danielle, Bev, Mary Queen, Areli, Manny, Suzette, Ruben and my mom.

Some didn't have words either and some said exactly what I needed to hear. Mary Queen spoke such beautiful words about what our time together has meant to her since we met in 2006 and how the way I handle things has influenced her as she navigates her twenties. Danielle told me as I cried that I knew what was happening and that just as there was this much loss there would be this much magic. Suzette said some of the most profound words as I sat across from her and Manny in Little Italy's Flippi's and tears filled my eyes, "It's just a fucking Honda commercial." Such powerful words that prompted feelings of what is truly important to come flooding in. Feelings I promised myself I would keep after Neil's passing. When your world is shaken like that you realize what matters and it is up to me to never forget. It is just a commercial. Loosing my film, my home, and everything else is as it should be. It's just stuff. Unlike Neil and my father I AM HERE. I am meant to be here and GROW through this and so I will. I choose it as much as it has chosen me.

Sitting next to Ruben last night at the theater watching his son, who played my son in my film Coelho's The Experimental Witch" I couldn't help but get teary eyed as he not only played my father in Bearing Fruit, he is a father figure to me. An AMAZING one. He always seems to know what to say. He told me how he hadn't replied to my email about choosing to walk away from my production because he wanted to tell me face to face that he was in my corner. He went on to say the most beautiful things that I will keep between me, him and God and the universe. After I said goodbye to his wife and son he walked me to my car and said to me, "Tread lightly. Big things are coming for you. I am in your corner."

I couldn't help but cry at that point and he then told me to tell him if I needed help moving. I would if I knew where I was going which is why his final words were so poignant. Areli walked into my apartment one day and exclaimed sell it all. I wanted to but I had excuses. That's my Burger King bed and dresser. I bought that with money from my accomplishments. My office furniture was bought when I started Adriana Garza Productions and it was expensive. I won't get much for it. I had looked at storage and after hearing Ruben's words I made a decision, to SELL IT ALL. Needless to say my place looks like a warehouse and I've gone around taking pictures of all the beauty it brought into my life before packing it or selling it.

I had decided to sell about fifty percent but now I am doing to do what I wanted to all along but didn't think I could, go forth and tread light. I don't need things, I need LOVE. I have it. I have the most EXTRAORDINARY friends. I wish you could meet them all. I have no words for how blessed I am in that department. So things will all go. I whole heartily believe IT IS NO COINCIDENCE this is all happening as I turn thirty-five. I know this kind of rebuilding happens every so often to help guide you to what you deserve. While I may not know exactly where I will be January 1, 2012 when I return from Christmas back home I do know where all this is ultimately leading. I have to say I never saw myself there or would have dreamt of it but seeing how life is unfolding and now at this age it makes absolute sense. The signs are pretty blatant but perhaps it's something only someone like me who lives by the signs and my God compass can fully understand which is why I make the decision to keep it to myself.

I will leave you with what I have learned the most. Loss serves a purpose. Butterflies die within two weeks. They do all that work and metamorphosis and within two weeks its over but they come back again and again are extraordinarily BEAUTIFUL. STUNNING! I believe we do the same expect unlike them we live longer and choose to let the circumstance give birth to beauty (the light) or pity (the darkness). I am going to have to say based on past experiences that I am about to birth a light so bright I'm not even going to believe what unfolds before my eyes and I am pretty faithful. I say goodbye to Honda, my home, Bearing Fruit and most of my possessions in order to give way to my rebirth. I am choosing to travel light and focus on LOVE and GRATITUDE. What a life these first thirty-five were and I can't wait to see what awaits me. Thru the unknown and to my destiny I head off. In the words the song in my car spoke last night as I bid farewell to Ruben, "This year (2012) is going to be incredible. This year the planets will align." And yet there is no rush. Just God's time. While we may wear different watches I welcome God's time for the gifts it brings make the dreams in my heart pale in comparison.


These are a few things that will travel with me. They deserve too. May your journey be filled with lessons that make you grateful for every breath.

This first one I recommend you always carry with you.


A miracle born of my self love. He wanted me to be someone else. I wanted to be me. Our path together ended and he put me on the road to Rome. Forever grateful that I learned to expect the unexpected.


Where my heart resides. With the children of the world.


What I must always remember in order to receive it. Good thing I can write this anywhere. ;-)


To remind me who I was is always who I am no matter what. That my essence is me. And that I can be girlie and kick ASS too!


Most important love of all! Never forget respect and miracles are born of it. Thanks Kris Haldane for gifting such beauty while I was in my twenties. It will continue with me.


To remind me what was born of the last time I tore down and rebuilt from my foundation. The tiny medal in the middle is the President's Volunteer Service Award. Never knew such a thing existed. ;-)


For my new home and new journey. I ran into while out getting moving boxes. SIGN! Great "rules" to live by. The tiny box is a space cleansing kit. See you soon!

Claiming my DESTINY through adversity!

There could be no more perfectly fitting words than the ones written above to mark my 35th year of existence. This has been quite the journey to say the least. While some people in my industry hide their age I shout it in gratitude for being blessed with another year to enjoy, decipher, and let go of this beautiful existence called life. Today I intend to celebrate this new beginning in the best of ways in the company of some of the most beautiful souls I have ever crossed paths with. However my story began long before I ever dreamt of tonight. Quite frankly I couldn't of come with today's birthday gift that was solely God and the universe expressing their love for me. Yet again a dream beyond my expectations to mark and celebrate this new beginning.

My story began in Brownsville, Texas in the early morning of November 29, 1976. I was born early so I was tiny. My mom tells me that I fit from her palm to her elbow and that I was all shades of purple. She held me tight and kept rubbing me trying to get my circulation going. She was in a difficult part of her life and while I was the light born of the darkness it was a trying time for her and my father who eventually parted ways. I was told he came to the hospital was displeased that it was another girl and left. I never got to ask him if that was true or not but it's besides the point because what has become very clear to me on this journey of my life is that I am God's child, intended to be here, and I AM LOVED.

There is proof of that all around me. I choose to focus on that. I choose to make today a day not unlike any other of GRATITUDE but also a day of forgiveness, compassion, love, and faith. A day that reminds me how blessed I am to be here. I have birthday wishes I have been keeping between, me and God and the universe so that when they happen I can once again say, "Wowzers I can never truly get over not only the fact that you hear me but the magic that is born of that communication." This morning I woke to a different prayer than I had envisioned and yet I know it is all part of God's plan. Last night I got a call with yet again another loss. Just when I though enough space had been cleared I was asked to let go once more of something. I cried a little with Areli, then we laughed and in the end concluded that what is arriving and entering thru this mass space I have created is extremely magical!

A magic only I can truly comprehend as this has been a journey walked solely by me in my own shoes. A journey of loss and gain, of fear and doubt ultimately giving way to the light and faith. A journey of confusion and clarity ultimately teaching me that without one the other does not exist. It's like my daily word expresses today on my birthday "I may not be able to see around each bend but I know I will be led to the right destination." So with that thought in mind I am claiming my destiny. I am stepping thru the unknown into the magic and claiming all I have worked hard for, to understand I am worthy of and most of all deserve. It's in signs like this birthday poem posted on my facebook wall by my middle school friend Kim that I find confirmation to that which my gut is telling me.

Drum sounds rise on the air,
And with them my HEART.
A voice inside the beat says,
I KNOW YOU ARE TIRED,
BUT come. This IS the way! Rumi

I told Kim I would email her about its timing and how it brought tears to my eyes. It was confirming that no matter how hard last night's call was it is THE WAY. Afterall I've met the wizard and defied gravity thanks to that encounter, which brought me the one of the biggest lessons of all, I love myself above all because as she says "If this is LOVE it comes at much too high a cost!"


I was brought down to my knees last October with the call about Neil thinking I had lived all I could take only to encounter more loss as 2011 arrived and learn as she says, "This is far from over. You haven't seen the last of me. They can say that I won't stay around but I'm gonna stand my ground. You're not gonna stop me. You don't know me you don't know who I am. Don't count me out so fast. I've been brought down to my knees. I've been pushed way past the point of breaking but I CAN TAKE IT. THERE WILL BE NO FADE OUT. THIS IS NOT THE END."


It's a new beginning where it is crucial that I continue to pay attention to the signs and follow them to my destiny. To claim what God and the universe have conjured up for me. I may need to get away for a while but trust me it won't be too long before I am back again with something so grand and so beautiful it will blow all of us away. I have a gut instinct of where my God compass is leading me in this new beginning and in the end all I have is gratitude. So for today, all my years, the magic born of them, my amazing friends, my amazing family, timing, faith, courage, strength, love, compassion, doubt, fear, the dark, the light and everything single thing from my fingers that are typing this right now to my legs that give me the ability to let go through dance I AM GRATEFUL! The list is endless and I am looking forward to another thirty-five, God willing more, years of living on this Planet I call home. I am so humbled by your love for me God. I am not sure what you are protecting me from just yet and I know I will live my way into the answer about last night's call but for today I say YOU ARE THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL and I am honored to be your child and grateful for EVERYONE you have thought me worthy of crossing paths with. This one is for you and all your creations. "You've been so kind and generous, I don't know how you keep on giving. For your kindness I am in debt to you. For your selflessness my ADMIRATION. For everything you've done you know I'm bound to thank you!"


One last thing. I wish I may I wish I might. It's in my heart being held tight. But you already know. ;-) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! I AM LOVED!

Embracing and letting go the gifts of my past.

If there is anything great about having to move abruptly after eleven years it's the ability to rediscover the woman I once was who gave way to the woman I am today. I decided to create even more space than that which circumstance has asked me to by getting rid of at least half of what I own. I did end up booking the commercial I spoke about in the prior blog so now I have to travel three times in December barely allowing me anytime to pack and move as I have a deadline to be out by since my place has been promised to someone else. So after taking one last look at my home the way it has been for most of my twenties I decided to start packing the past and head towards my new beginning. As I began to pack my books my twenties came rushing back. It was truly amazing to see how far I've come.

I found the most amazing books that have remained unopened in so long all they do is collect dust on my bookshelf. I rediscovered all the authors that helped me navigate the turbulent waters of my twenties from Don Miguel Ruiz to Wayne Dyer to Deepak Chopra to perhaps the most freeing, Sark. In her books she encourages you to color outside the line, lay in bed and be free. As I perused all the books memories came rushing back of sitting at my favorite restaurant in Malibu, in the same spot I did for years devouring words of hope from many. Years some called a waste and years that I believe gave birth to the woman I am today. All these authors along with four years of intense therapy gave way to my rebirth and to becoming not only a woman comfortable in the skin I am in but also a woman in love with herself as one of the book titles suggested.

After reading my notes and highlighted areas I made the decision to let them go. In doing so not only would I be saying goodbye to the past but I would allow them to become the gift in someone else's life that they had been in mind. Sure at first I struggled to put them in the giveaway box but I would tell myself okay one for the box one to keep and soon enough it became easier and more went into the giveaway box. It started to reveal within me the importance of letting go of the past in order to live my way into the answers and the what next. To acknowledge, love and most of all be GRATEFUL for all that guided me to where I am today but to let it go so the new beginning can commence. This meant letting go of books that ex lovers had brought into my life. Would it be possible to say goodbye to the Alchemist and The Witch of Portobello? Or to bid Kundera's Unbearable lightness of Being a fond farewell and ask him to take Murakami and Auster with him. Surprisingly it was so easy. Even two years ago it might have seemed like such a task to let the man who introduced me to those brilliant writers go but I am beyond grateful that alchemy, witches, love affairs, magicians, and feeding from hand to mouth no longer played a role in my life.

This by no means that they weren't amazing when they did but I am no longer a woman in search of love. I am a woman in love with myself, who is loved and who lives in such a different place now. As I bid farewell to all those great writers and great memories I arrived at a portion of my bookshelf where I would not be willing to let go. Perhaps it's because I am an old soul, have been here before and all these kinds of books remind me of beautiful times but one thing is certain old hardcover books discovered at my favorite book shop on Main St. in Ventura are staying with me. There is something so profound to me about a book that was published in 1923 and dedicated to someone in 1949 like my copy of Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet. It holds a story of the lives it touched before it did mine. So The Prophet, Dr. Zhivago, Wuthering Heights, Introduction to Aristotle, Churchill and the Shroud are all staying with me. Especially the Essays of Ralph Waldo Emerson. My 1944 copy that once belonged to Mrs. Edyth Teeses is falling apart so I let no one near the book which holds more hope in its words than anything else I have ever read.

They'll remind me of the beautiful times I drove there to discover not how to loose myself in a book in order to find myself but how to just be present to what once was in someone's imagination. To be present to their art. That is what I am choosing to do now more than ever. Be present to this new beginning. To not fear it, its direction, the light, and most of all its rapid ascend towards magic and beauty. To know all I have lived has been exactly as it had to be in order for me to be able to be present today and unwrap the gift that is my life, which is magically and mysteriously unfolding before my eyes. It's full of synchronicity and magical whispers of what is without speaking words to eachother yet knowing fully the universe is speaking. It's guiding, it's saying it's time to move into the next level. To claim and most of all accept what I deserve. So thank God for the treasures that now sit in boxes. Thank God for all the men, women, and children who have crossed my paths and led me here to today to this circumstance where once again I must let go of all I have known (which means letting go of sixteen years worth of belongings too) in order to live what I have yet to know but have always desired.

As my week progressed my daily calendar kept speaking to me like it did Wednesday when the quote of the day read this below.


It is so clear to me and it became so transparent when I lost my home that this new beginning meant leaving an era with grace and gratitude while holding the hand of God to the new era where LOVE and all I deserve and have worked for will cross my path. May you be able to see the gift that it is to let go and surrender in order to allow God and the universe to bestow their magic upon you. May you never be a victim of circumstance but a receiver of its gifts. May you be blessed to allow your past to guide you towards your Northern Sky and embrace its magic. ;-)

Version two beautiful to miss. ;-) 2:54 "I never felt magic crazy as this."

Trusting the process as it leads to my NEW BEGINNING!

It's happened yet again in the most unexpected yet blessed of ways! My prayer has been answered. Once again I have to let go in the grandest of ways. There is no other way to do it when God and the universe are behind it brewing up something so grand and magical that everything you have known and life as you know it has to be let go in order to allow the new beginning to commence. Just when I thought I had "lost" everything I was shown there was one more thing I had to let go off in order to proceed through the unknown into the magic God and the universe have finally finished preparing me for. While the hit may have come at an awkward time, three days before Thanksgiving and a week before my thirty-fifth, there are way too many signs pointing to its Godly timed arrival like this one here. This is what my calendar read yesterday and precisely what I have been manifesting and blogged about recently. Love is all around and while I was asked to let go big time of my home of ten years I was being reminded as I stared on the calendar on my desk that all is as it should be.


I awoke at 4am today. Change will do that to you. This one has brought mixed feelings but is really not that unexpected. I have been wanting to move for a year now feeling an urge to go somewhere out of Los Angeles but not too far. What I dedicate my life to, indie productions, doesn't have to be based here but I did sign with a phenomenal agency this year and I know the new beginning includes them so I have to be near by. A year ago I wanted to pack what I needed, sell what I didn't and move. I was jolted by Neil's abrupt passing and I wanted to run. I wanted to hurry and do what I feared I may not get a chance to if I didn't start that minute. I slowly began to recover and stay in faith even if I struggled. I found my way back to my belief that miracles are born of faith, patience and the ability to read signs. Signs which are coming at me left and right.

I had told my mom yesterday that I needed to get to SAG and deal with some things because everything inside me was telling me to as I was going to book my callback. I have a second callback today and I'm on avail. At this point all the signs are still pointing where my gut told me. This booking will help guide me towards my new beginning. As I lay in bed this morning and cried with excitement and sadness I spoke with God and said "I need to hear its voice. Just to comfort me please. To know its with me because I feel it close." I flipped the channel and there it was comforting me. It was closer than I thought. I cried as I lay my tired body in my bed. I was in awe of God's timing as I always am and humbled by its magic.

All this change that has been taking me on quite the ride this year has been leading me somewhere beyond my expectations. I've sensed it and seen some of it already unfold but it never seizes to amaze me! I see God in it. That is how I know God exists. For every circumstance that is out of my control there are hundreds of grandiose gifts born of it but the only way for me to see those gifts is to let go and trust the process. Gifts of immense love! My life is pretty freaking magical right now I have no idea what to do. Run and tell everyone? Unlikely, I always speak cryptically. ;-) Go outside my door and start singing glory glory hallelujah. Unlikely, in my pj's and with my hair like this, bedhead, I am certain they'll think I lost it. ;-) So instead I'll do what I have always done. I'll let you see for yourself as it unfolds before your eyes too. Have a seat though because as I get ready to pack my bags, literally, and fill my suitcase of life with faith, courage, strength, hope and most of all God's guidance I am certain that my destination, unknown to you- known to my gut, is going to blow all of us away.

What I want to make clear is that if I had not had the ability to see every "loss" as necessary I would not be living my way into this fairytale ending here on Planet Earth. They're not just fantasies left to desired for someday or other lifetime. Fairtytales can be lived here if we are willing to also accept life on life's terms and balance them out. One gives way to the other. I told Bev yesterday what I have felt for a while now. I voiced that I believe my dad is giving me so much LOVE in so many forms, under God's guidance, to make up for all he couldn't do and didn't have the capacity to do. That my life is coming full circle. That bearing the cross of his loss, Neil's loss, my old agency, my latest production and now my home all in one year is because I deserve more. Neil and him excluded. That kind of loss is inexplicable and I still want Neil back on the field in the game. He was taken out too soon and somedays like yesterday I still cry uncontrollably while accepting I can't bring him back onto the playing field.

However you and I, we are here. We get one more day to LIVE! So I will. I will take the unexpected call that arrived yesterday with the signs and buy my ticket to my next destination while letting go of the need to be the train conductor. I know there will be some dark tunnels in the coming weeks but you should see that light at the end of those tunnels. I can't lie I know where I am headed. It's magical. How it will unfold only God and the universe know but I have accepted this final "loss" aka clearing of space to allow this new beginning to commence. I AM READY! To say the least. After all I have been manifesting this for thirty-five years, a thousand years, many life times, a little over two and all of the above. This can only make sense to me and maybe one other person.

As I turned the page of the daily calendar this morning I read this.


So with gratitude embodying me I head off towards destination "UNKNOWN". See you there. I'll be the one with a HUGE smile on my face. The one I wore on at my GLAMOUR award ceremony and on the red carpet in Rome. One I have come accustomed to wearing on my face after life on life's terms gives way to it. May you have the courage to know when to let go and live your way into your magical new beginning. Like me I hope you can dance your way there too! Now if I only had a drum to bang on like the one in this video. It's exactly a week before my thirty-fifth and today I raise my glass to God and the universe, THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME COURAGE TO ACCEPT YOUR LOVE! IT'S TIME LET GO AND LET YOU SHOW ME WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN BREWING! I AM HUMBLED! "Everything is screaming I think it's time we let go!"

P.S. You are all invited to a Holiday packing party. Bring your holiday cheer, some tape and a willingness to dance while you pack up the past with me. ;-)

All you need IS Love!

As I headed to an early audition this morning I had a beautiful flashback courtesy of my ipod which brought so many memories rushing back. Songs like this one play for many reasons. Most of all I am old school and part of me doesn't want to get with the times. I want to continue going to Amoeba and buying things myself. I want to take all my treasures home and download stuff myself from the cds. I know some of us still buy cds. Recycled of course, which is what Amoeba is known for. I have been blessed to have them sponsor my work. In 2009 they sponsored The Art of Being financially and generously donated all the cast gift bags thanks to the amazing Chris Carmena. So as the following song made its way into my car tears and a smile took over. They were tears of gratitude for his love and the love of many others involved with The Art of Being. (Click here to see original video.
It is AMAZING but I can't embed it.)


I keep seeing 2006 in everything from videos like "Unwritten" and "Suddenly I see" being played on VH1 to the songs my ipod selects while on shuffle and I have feeling it's to remind me that no matter what I endured and lived through the last almost six years, I have always been loved. To me love isn't about making someone what you want or getting what you want from someone. It's about accepting them as is and what they have the capacity to give. Same goes for circumstances. It's not about getting what we want, it's about accepting what is and having gratitude and love for it. It's about being able to see the blessings in the what is. As 2011 closes and 2006 reappears I can see so many things so clearly but most of all I can see that all I need IS Love!

What I take from all I have lived is not what has happened that I did not envision happening, which took me down a detoured road where heartache was temporarily my companion. What I see is all the people that crossed my path to help me down those roads. The list is endless! One thing is certain everyone came into my life when they did with LOVE. It may have been their idea of love and sometimes it wasn't unconditional but it was LOVE. If you haven't already noticed I'm cheesy and totally okay with it, so I can't help but get teary eyed when I think of all the LOVE I have been given. I used to sit in my dining area, which as the years passed actually got turned into a home office and listen to Love's Divine on repeat thinking "How I am going to pull this off?" "How am I going to survive a year starting off this way?" A year that consisted of two commercials being on hold and potentially not airing (loosing residuals/financing for play) and with a play ready to go but no financing to do it.

The answer then lied in the same place it lies right now, LOVE. Having the faith to know I am loved produces me to move forward trusting I am being taken care of and in that blind faith commences the magic of the universe. God and the universe take care of crossing my paths with love like they always have. It's astonishing to witness what happens when I put all my faith in them knowing they will show up through someone right on time. It never fails. From the simplest thing like an unexpected gift from GLAMOUR when I was hoping for it (Lovestruck perfume) to winning a car when mine had been paid off and broke down the week of, to the phone call from the therapist informing me I had been accepted weeks prior to availability for a session, as I balled my eyes out hoping praying for a miracle. Timing is everything! Ability to see love and be love is up to me.

At a brunch once my friend Josh questioned what being love was. I remember my heart longing to speak but being too shy to. I remember thinking LOVE is GOD, GOD is LOVE. I have a plaque that says that in my dressing area, in pink of course. ;-) Meaning whatever action we take that could benefit another expecting nothing in return other than the feeling you derive, is an action in love so by taking such an action we are then connected to God and therefore are being God and in touch with the unseen force. That is my humble opinion based on my experiences. Experiences which have been AMAZING. I wish I had the time to tell you in detail about Rome, the film festival and its magic!! I will share that the production company in Italy which held the competition did not provide anyone who attended the premiere of the film with anything. So if you wanted to attend its premiere in Rome you had to do so on your own. Same was for the festival itself. I remember thinking, "How can I not attend my own film's premiere?" Of course as usual LOVE showed up in the form of Bev who wanted to share the experience with me as she had lived the journey to it with me. She knew my then boyfriend and all that had happened, which led to the miracle of my film, meeting my then favorite author and finally the premiere. So she made the trip possible and we lived it up in Rome for a week.

Stories like these are endless! Love from a friend, from a stranger, from the universe I believe are ultimately GOD. That stranger that pulled over to help you with your flat tire, LOVE aka GOD. The person that kept you too long and made you late somewhere but ultimately as you saw right on time, GOD. Maybe it's just me but I see all the ways in, which GOD and LOVE show up everyday and I am in awe. I want to be the same and give in the same way I am being given! I can only pray I do. My friend Areli just found out I donated the all the proceeds of the tour of my play in 07' and questioned, All of it? You took nothing? Financially I took nothing but the rewards were endless and beyond the car. What I did felt exactly like what I needed to do. Give what I had been given. Could I have made better business decisions? To others the answer would be yes. To me it is still no. What would I have learned if I had done the opposite? The lesson came as it had to and if I was asked to do it over, I would do it all EXACTLY as I did. This is what was born of that LOVE, a behind the scenes look at TAOB. We did the curtain call to Love's Divine as a tribute to what had given me the courage to follow my heart and with the hopes of leaving the audience with one final inspiration to LOVE themselves just as they were created. My favorite man makes an appearance. You'll see what I mean in the opening shot.


So as I reflect on my miracles born of faith journeys courtesy of my ipod and VH1 all I see is evidence that all I have needed and all I have been given is LOVE. I have lived things people spend their whole lives saving up for waiting for the very famous SOMEDAY to arrive. Not one of them was rooted in money or was the intention money. It was always about LOVE and continues to be. This is hard for the people who love me the most to comprehend. Like many they share a belief that with financial stability comes happiness. A belief I don't share solely based on experience. Prior to my production company opening in 2006 I had all sorts of part time jobs, money and very little happiness. All I had was the dream of the elusive SOMEDAY. Luckily for me LOVE led me to that someday in the this lifetime. I began a journey, which has provided me with more than any amount of money ever could. I have sacrificed a lot! I do agree that following your heart may not be for everyone if you are someone who knows you will get more than this lifetime to LIVE. We can plant and wait many seasons for fruition in order to see dreams based on LOVE become reality. I am grateful I figured out how to. I am blessed to know what truly matters and to be able to respect others beliefs of what matters. Is it always easy? No. Is it what I aspire to everyday? Yes. In LOVE lies RESPECT! RESPECT for me means accepting people and situations for what they are.

I can't tell you how excited I am these days. Yes in case you are wondering I have days of doubt like I did yesterday. Then I remember that the person who unknowingly and without harm intended produced that doubt was again seeing my world through their eyes. Eyes of fear and doubt. So after talking it out with Danielle I returned to my source, LOVE. I am so grateful I know how to get back home. If we choose to see it LOVE IS ALL AROUND! It's not just some catchy line from Love Actually. To me it's the truth. All I have ever needed and all I have ever wanted has always been with me. I wish you the ability to see the world through the eyes of love. It's AMAZING and mind boggling what you will allow yourself to experience if you do. Note if you do not like to be filled with gratitude, joy, hope, happiness, excitement, awe struck emotion, courage to soldier on through life on life's terms and faith than LOVE may not be for you. ;-) However if you want to be filled with it watch this video and DREAM! Dream of a world full of love and be that love. I PROMISE YOU IT WILL COME BACK TO YOU AS YOU WILL CREATE THE ABILITY TO SEE IT IN EVERYTHING! I LOVE YOU, I CLAIM YOU, AND I THANK YOU! I AM L<3VE!

*Disclaimer feelings of joy may arise while watching this video and you may want to get up and dance. No dance partner needed. Just feel the love and express it.

Living my way into the life of my dreams.

As one dream ends another commences and my journey continues. So as one door closes and I await for another to open I stand in the in between space I call the hallway. Sometimes it can be dark and mourning can take place. I've been living a lot of that this year. Dreams dying and space being created to allow new dreams in. This prompted me to think about how many times in my life I have consciously or unconsciously let go of a dream being a certain way in order to allow a new dream in. It turns out I always have as it's part of this journey called existence on this planet. Growing through the journeys in order to see dreams come to fruition and letting go of what I envision in order to receive what I deserve has become my way of life. As I a reflected on my past I realized that I am BLESSED! I have lived everything I ever wanted and then some. There is this idea that in order to live a dream in my industry you have to have it be accompanied with fame and money. One thing I need in order to survive this existence and the other does not attract me in the least bit. I always find it fascinating when people see my work and say "you are on your way." I smile and don't say much as it's not my place to take away their idea on the WAY but inside I hold my truth. I am already there.

The greatest gift of not getting what I envisioned is that it allowed me to receive a dream that exceeded my expectations and was what God and the universe thought I deserved. I call them miracles because of the journey that preceded the destination. Some dreams I have had no choice and they were taken from me and some I made the decision to walk away from like the most recent one. I wasn't attached to it and while I stood up for what my team and I deserved and I still believe we do I had told Danielle a couple of months ago that I didn't see it coming to fruition. My gut was just telling it wasn't going to happen. She thought otherwise and expressed it but I still kept getting the feeling that it wasn't meant to be. All I wanted in the end was for all involved to get credit where credit is due and to have our work respected. Something I inevitably had to leave in God's hand in order to move on and create space for the what next to arrive.

That has always been one of my favorite questions. Every time I finish a project and even before I am done savoring it someone will ask me what I plan to do next. My answer provides me with some of the most interesting expressions I have ever seen. I let them know that I don't know what is next and I have to wait for a sign from God and the universe. Of course I have my dream list which I share mostly with God and the universe but I have been doing this long enough to know the what next is not in my hands. Not if I want it to be magical. If I try to take control of the what next I end up in the what the heck? ;-) If I let go and do as Emerson suggest, "Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience" I end up living my way into a miracle every time without fail. The journey there is a whole another thing which I treasure regardless of all its unforeseen detours knowing that without them I would have never arrived at that particular destination. But truly to be able to do live like this I must be open to a lot especially being present in this very moment till the sign arrives. In devouring my walks with the eyes of a toddler discovering things for the first time and that is what I am currently doing as I mourn the loss of a dream as I envisioned it yet again.

Two things keep coming up for me right now as I do this. Patience and I am loved. Both which I am contemplating getting tattooed. To my close friends stop laughing I am not too girlie for it. I want one on each wrist as a birthday gift to myself. We'll see. Last week I sported "I am loved" on my wrist to see if I could get used to it and every time I dealt with the final negotiations of my work and things seemed quite heavy I would look at it and it would be a great reminder that I was being taken care of no matter what things APPEARED like to others. As I've said before for me victory lies in knowing when to let go and accept the detour to your destiny. When to bid something FATEwell.

As the door has officially and legally closed on one dream and I stand in the hallway I contemplate the gifts that were born from having the patience to be here in the past. This is not to be confused with not doing anything which is something I feel can be interpreted when letting go and letting God is suggested. Being present to this moment for me means, mourning the loss by i.e. taking walks, resting when needed and standing up when ready. That is actually doing something contrary to what society may believe or impose on us. In Mexico every afternoon after we eat together with our family we take a siesta and then get back to work. That is what I consider what I am living now, a siesta in order to take life and all its beauty in.

My last siestas have provided me with such amazing miracles. When I was young I got into pageants because my mom wanted me to, others were doing it and not much else was happening in my hometown that did not require me to cross the bridge and get drunk at a bar in Juarez. Something that till this day is not appealing at all. So there I was attempting to be Miss Teen El Paso. While I did place in the top 20 out of 113 contestants my second time around I didn't win. After going to Monterrey to be in my sister in law's former pop group and returning home I gave it one more try. Except this time I entered Miss Teen Expo Spokesmodel. It was 1993 and I won. Third time is a charm or as I see it now a dream exceeding my expectation. Unbeknownst to me then and something I can see clearly now is that that pageant actually lined up with my beliefs. It went along with an event called Teen Expo that inspired teens to be the best they could be. I was actually representing that not the city which I thought was not as good. Turns out I was wrong. I left to Fine Arts School during my reign and I have Teri to thank for not taking my title. I fulfilled duties when I could and passed on the title in 1994 when I moved back from Mexico City. I can see now that the "failure" of the two prior pageants was for many reasons but more than anything to have my beliefs line up with my work.

It's happened many times since then. I didn't get all the countless movie roles I auditioned for including my pre-read for Spanglish because while it is all beautiful work it was not the work my heart longs to do. Same for junior high school cheerleading. Not getting on the squad prompted my mom to give me a card that said "when one door closes another opens." Something a teenager can't truly grasp then like this thirty-four year old woman can now. I did go on to be on the dance team instead which again went more in line with me. I think being on the cheerleading squad would have been an attempt at being seen and being on the dance team was about feeding my soul. Till this day dance transforms me and through the miraculous ways in which my body can move and bend I see what is possible in this magical existence. Give me music and a dance floor and I am the happiest girl in the world, okay almost thirty-five year old woman. ;-)

As I reflect on all this I am for the first time seeing it affect a very important part of my life I always put on the back burner. My love life seemed to take a back seat to the dreams of my career. I've always been a hopeful not hopeless romantic but as an independent woman I have also been stuck in my way of not needing anyone as I can handle anything on my own. This year the lesson arrived in the most unexpected of ways that while I can handle everything alone I don't want to. I discovered I had told myself I would be okay if I had to because I could. I could keep repeating a pattern if necessary. This particular lesson comes with a lot of layers and of course includes coming from a one parent household with abandonment issues. Layers I've been peeling back for years in hopes of finding my way back believing with all my heart, soul and every ounce of my being that not only do I deserve to be loved. I am loved.

While I don't want to take from all the beautiful souls I've encountered along the way and their gifts in the form of lessons called our relationship I've never encountered love in this form. It's inexplicable their capacity to love themselves, life and most of all others. I had never seen a love like this which carries itself with such grace and humility. Of course I hadn't because I would not have been in a place where I would have been able to accept it but now is the time. I don't fear it or expect anything from it I simply embrace it when I find myself in it presence. It's there in its presence that I see the magic of God, the universe and now my father. I am able to find myself in its company because after many lessons and many years of growth I am finally open to receiving what I deserve. In letting go of dreams as I once knew them I have created space for God and the universe to yet again through their magic put my dreams to shame. ;-) To think a year ago I thought it couldn't get any better. Thank you God for giving me courage to let that dream die so I could create space for the light to arrive on your time. I am most humbled by your love for me and the kindness of the universe.

I am most grateful that I have learned letting go does not mean loosing but simply creating space for what I deserve and allowing God to take care of me. I am grateful for the ability to live my way into the answers and trusting that one dream ending does not mean another won't come to fruition. In these dark past couple of years and especially these past two weeks God sent light to illuminate my dark hallway repeatedly. It was always about me knowing I deserved to be loved by such EXTRAORDINARY friends, family and now the light. May your journey and its darkness provide you with the gift I believe is essential in order to make your way through the detours, unknown and into the what next, LOVE. May love for yourself just as you are reign above all and in that you will find the ability to LIVE YOUR WAY INTO THE MIRACLES YOU DESERVE. WE LIVE ONCE LET'S MAKE IT MAGICAL!

Look at where she is as the video commences, what she is carrying in her hands and where she ends up as she opens the door. Synchronicity! Thank you God!

The gifts born of the darkness. An open letter of gratitude.

Perhaps the most bizarre accusation handed against my character in the last few days was that I am standing up for what is fair and right using my team and our work as an excuse because they can see clearly that my sole purpose is myself. I was warned that until I respected the sole source of our work I would continue to be just a producer and never create anything myself. Perhaps they should have done more thorough research as I am the creator of The Art of Being, my first production, and precisely the reason GLAMOUR Magazine and Toyota honored me gifting me with a car in the process not too long after I had paid mine off and it had stopped working. Timing! Yes the universe always has your back! Neither company ever saw the play or knew the depth of my work, its meaning or sacrifices yet from over 2,500 women nationwide I was chosen simply because God and the universe knew whose behalf I had worked on. ;-) I can also proudly say I was the first Latina to win the award. An award handed to me at a ceremony in Los Angeles. If they had really chosen to see all of my work for what it truly is perhaps they would have seen the first video in the interview section of the film and television section of www.adrianagarza.com
where I am at my award ceremony and I am accepting my award giving credit where credit is due. I found it last night as I reviewed my site for changes and it brought great comfort.

There is a lovely scene in Runaway Jury where John Cusack's character is having a conversation with a jury member and simply by having it the jury member exposes himself and true colors leaving everyone in the room in awe of his true character and motive once revealed. Everyone who forms a part of my team bases their opinion on what they see for themselves, including my Executive Producer, in our conversations as I am always quick to point out there are always two sides to a story. Always. No one needs me to form an opinion for them. We are all individuals. How we perceive and take things in is how we will hand our judgements to others. So if I am always worried about my weight I will always worry about others weight when I judge them. They won't be good enough because I don't feel good enough. Something I learned simply by navigating my twenties. This applies to anything. When I was little my mom said, "Adriana El Leon cree que todos son de su condicion y la zorra no se ve su cola." The end sounds funny but holds a valuable lesson. She was saying that people hand judgements based on what they would do and don't see their own faults when doing so. They can't see past their judgements. She used common known sayings which reference animals because as a kid she wanted me to get it.

I didn't then but I do now. Life has taught me to hold space for compassion. To say I have struggled these past few days would be true but not for long. I didn't use someone's past to shed light on the truth I simply used their own words which of course were interpreted differently by them as we are two individuals. I was handed judgement after judgement based on my past work, and interviews. When I was advised to do the same in return and use stories about their past, by past I mean pre- knowning them, against them too to justify their attacks, I saw how the people who interpret the law can work not all but some as they seek to win and I realized in that moment that if I did any of what I was advised to do I would become the same thing I was standing up against. It really would go against my essence even if compassion wasn't residing within me entirely I still couldn't become that which I was standing up against. It would make everything to me at least pointless. When I advised my team of my decision to surrender and let go one of my interpreters of the law confessed to not having clients like me informing me that people usually get into it until they make others see their side. I am well aware I can't. That would be like asking myself to know what it is like to have a father when I haven't seen mine since I was seven. Where would I draw from?

The bottom line is everyone involved stood to loose something they had worked hard on and everyone involved was willing to stand up for what they felt was right. An agreement to disagree could not be reached and that was when I realized what I was up against and how staying present and continuing to allow it to consume and worse embody me would prevent me from my destiny so instead I bid it FATEwell. Although the assumption was made that all was in vain it wasn't. Trust me it wasn't. This is where you come in. I simply do not know how I would have navigated the waters of this constantly stormy sea without YOU this past year. All of you arrived precisely on time. From Areli who came to do my make up and in actuality it turned out she came into my life to feed my soul and share in my joy of all the magical conspiracies to Hannah who arrived to console me and I her as we shared the memories of her uncle and magically she found me through this blog. Of course the list of God timed arrivals is endless. From the light who brought through the words of a dear friend affirmation that I am not alone and while my breathes were very difficult to take after my father passed as I constantly feared dying it was very clear I was now being rescued by not only the words my friend spoke but by my father and Neil. There was also the neighbor's timely card to console me on my father's passing and perhaps the most magical one, which arrived precisely when I needed it most from Australia.

The list of examples which humble me, show me God's existence and fill me with gratitude is endless. January started with the loss of my father, followed by the loss of one actor as he dropped out of the film, and finally the Investor all within a week. As I see it all was as it should be as it opened the door to all of you. Every single one of you who I had to create space for to enter. I believe that is what loss does creates space for what lessons you need to embark on next to evolve, and hopefully grow into a more LOVING human being regardless of the circumstances. Hopefully like me you can see the BLESSINGS that would not exist if it weren't for those circumstances whose timing can sometimes seem overwhelming.

As I reflect upon the past year I thank God the female director with high demands did not work out as it led me to Randy. This would be a great time to tell you of what a gift he bestowed upon simply by being willing to dance to the ballad of compromise with me. I learned so much from him while we took the dance floor for over a year. I am going to miss him so much and while I foresee us working together again I am going to miss him letting me be me. Not once did I ever feel like who I am, God and universe talk included, bothered him. NOT ONCE and I know we don't share beliefs but we shared a very important thing any relationship I believe should be founded on, RESPECT. We have not always seen creatively with the same eye. How could we being two individuals but he always afforded me the gift of being his equal. ALWAYS. Randy I am so grateful for the magic we created together. Your support of me, my vision and my dream especially this past two weeks has made me a better person. I have your back!

Like Randy there were so many who brought love, courage, support, and faith with them as their suitcases when they arrived timely into my life. So to allow one suitcase of someone's idea of me to take all that away would simply be in my humble opinion very blind of me. I SEE YOU! All of you and when I think of what you have done for me I realize you bring this quote to life, "Friends (family) are God's way of taking care of us!" Bev, Shari, Danielle and Jon A., Cienna (one day you wil forgive me for casting you as a baby boy) Susan V., Susan, Samantha, my movie dad Ruben (te quiero tanto!), Drew, Lizanne, Michael, Benjamin, Alma, Eve, Vince, Cole, Jason, Philly, Finian, Ciaran, Conor, Armando, Jake, Gaby, Shiela, Carlos, Andy, Rosie, Agnel Ishmael (whose name eerily is now what I call my dad), Mary Queen, Eric, Tammy and Patrick, Lindsay, Rena, Ivonne, Vero, Jorge, Enrique, Jorge Andres, Mercedes, Meche, Dan, my birth father Ismael and his daughter Paty (who guided me through his transition), Zoey, Sheri Michaels, Kris H., Herb, Michael Mullen, Lisa, Eloy, Richard P., Valerie A., Lisa A., Javier F., Kris N., Sarah D., Jesse B., Blanca V., Gabriela G., Kelly R., Kunal, Hannah, Hans, Areli, Kimberley M., Danielle R., Jennifer H., Jennifer W., Darice, Randy, Paul R., Jerry and I know I am missing someone but do know I AM GRATEFUL! The list is endless and your timing impeccable! To all who posted our project, especially strangers, on their social networking sites in efforts to see our dream come to life thank you. The universe knows. As you have done so shall be done to you! May your DREAM come to be your reality! My definitely did. I am so proud of all of us!

I don't care how many times I am persuaded to stay in the dark more than necessary so I can't see clearly. I would much rather face the sun directly and stand in its blinding light of truth as I see it. This helps me see that Margaret Mead was very very wise when she said, "A small group of thoughtful people can change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has." I would like to add that you changed my world and by being of service to me in return you serviced the world as what we created together was meant for the world even if it was a preemie. It is a beautiful preemie and I have EVERYONE involved to thank for it. This is OURS. It exist because you lent your art, held my hand when I couldn't go on and simply believed in me. I present to you what YOU and I created.


I do not take well to bullying by anyone to anyone or anyone's interpretation of my art of being used against me. Regardless of what anyone desires to see or interpret not only will I continue to use my God given voice I will continue to use it to BE LOVE. I am not that frightened teenage girl anymore who stood in the middle of a tremendous circle of people and ridicule as one girl threatened me because I looked at her boyfriend in junior high. I am not the girl who in high school was told she was going to get a beating in not such kind words simply because Mike, who later confessed, told the offender a lie. They reside within me and are part of what bestows me the gift of compassion but I am an adult and no one's threats, interpretation of what is or attacks on my character frighten me. These past experiences were EXACTLY as they should be as they gave birth to being able to know who I am and where I stand. They gave birth to the strong convictions I bestow. While I may temporarily need to lay down and rest like I do now I still know what I ran across a while back, "at the center of your being you have the answer, you know who you are and you know what you want." As I lay and rest delighting in the calm before the storm that signs have informed me is coming I find comfort in the words that came from Lizanne after seeing our work which I share with her and the universe and which will be held in my heart forever. God I hear you and in her timely words I see you!

The night came and it got dark but you stood by me and for that I am eternally GRATEFUL and indebted to you. Have NO FEAR I have your back. You have made me the woman I am today and I am honored to have crossed paths with ALL OF YOU regardless if our paths diverged and I decided to take the one less traveled where temporary loss will on God's time give birth to my FATE. I stand by you too! To anyone who comes across this I wish you an ability to see the gifts that are born of the dark. The ones that arrive during and after the darkness. The greatest to me have been the ones born because of it that the LIGHT and changing of the seasons bring with it. May you be blessed with at least one individual like all the ones that crossed my path! In the words of one my favorite souls whose definitely a gift of the darkness and whose words shed light on my path, "YOU shaped my life. YOU make me love who I am today." There are no words to express the depth of my gratitude for that. I will simply say thank you for believing in me. I am humbled by your LOVE and SUPPORT! Thank you for CHOOSING to endure the journey with me. I LOVE YOU!